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Just been told that my lovely nan has passed away & my parents are away on holiday

427 replies

Pinkchampagne · 10/07/2007 17:57

They have only been gone since last Thursday, so I have to find a way to contact them to try & get them home before the funeral.
My nan had a massive stroke & I didn't know, and now she's dead. I'm in bits, I feel so guilty. I was going to phone her tonight to check she was ok, and now she's gone.[

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Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 18:25

I wanted to phone my nan's number last week, NAB3, just incase she was home. It was just after I took the walk to her little house & looked through the windows, seeing all nan's bits just as she had left them, but no nan.

It was my job to phone her while my parents were away, and I went & left it too late.
I planned to phone her & to pop & see her at some point, but got round to neither in time.

I have written nan a letter letting her know just how much she meant to me & apologising for not being there when she needed me.
I know it's silly, I know she will never see that letter, but I needed to do it. I have even put it in an envelope.

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KITTENSOCKS · 20/07/2007 18:39

Is anyone blaming you for not phoning your nan, Pink?

NAB3 · 20/07/2007 19:05

Love, even if you had phoned her it wouldn't change what has happened. I know you would feel better but look at it that your Nan doesn't feel any worse about you.

Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 19:07

I blame myself, KS, I can't help it.

I keep looking back at mum's e mail from before news of nan's death. She asks me to make sure I phone nan one night the following week. I read this & planned to phone her on one of the nights the boys stay with their dad because I knew I would have quiet. I also had it in my head to make sure I paid nan a visit one afternoon after work.

The evening I heard of nan's death was the very evening I planned to make that call.
When my cousins dropped round to tell me the shocking news, I just stood there shaking, saying "Oh God, I was going to phone her tonight" over & over again.
If I had made that call on the Sunday I would have spoken to her one last time.
Nan may have felt like I didn't care about her, but I did so much.
I know that I wasn't to know & that nan's death was totally unexpected, but this is why I felt the guilt & this is why I felt the need to apologise to her, even though she can never read that letter. It was something I needed to do.

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KITTENSOCKS · 20/07/2007 20:12

I never said goodbye to my mum. I visited her with my son at the autumn half term, and as I drove away waving to mum at her door, I had the weirdest feeling that it would be the last time. When she was taken to hospital 2 weeks later a relative rang to tell me but she seemed to be doing O.K.(She had heart disease.) She went downhill, but the staff didn't say she was critical, and they did pass the phone over to her to have a brief chat. Mum didn't ask me to come to see her and so I didn't (a 280 mile drive and I didn't have any annual leave left, and work very mean over compassionate leave- only allowed 2 days and I'd used those earlier in the year with dads death.) so I didn't go. 2 days later she had a fatal heart attack during the night. I kept thinking that I should have taken unpaid leave but that and single parent hood, mortgage etc don't make it easy.
The thing is, you will eventually accept what happened
and cope with it. I do know what it's like but I live with it.
What I found worse was coming home the day after the funeral, and my exH demanding that I sign divorce papers. He claimed he'd waited long enough since my dad died. Nice, huh?

hazygirl · 20/07/2007 21:53

hi pc some things in life you cannot change,and we never knoe wots round the coner do we.the night we lost our little man,my daughters neighbour had complained to us over something stupid, tv on too loud i think ,so we went down to say keep noise down,neighbour can b strange,but id already seen kids twice that day,but baby was laughing at grandad, i changed his bum,and said to hubby you have a cuddle,he said you know i dont like them so little,so didnt, ill b fine when hes older, the next time he held him was despperately trying to revive him ,he regrets it bitterly

Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 23:05

Oh, that is so sad, hazygirl, I'm sorry. No-one was to know.

I know that I could not have known about nan's sudden death, and as an outsider looking in there would be no blame, but I don't know, I just wish I had been a better grandaughter, I wish I had done something near to nan's death that would make me feel "At least I...."

I don't know, I just worry that nan felt a bit neglected by me at the end.
Writing the letter made me cry a lot, but I kind of felt better for saying what I needed to say. I know it seems silly because nan can't actually read the letter now, but I felt I needed to write it, IYKWIM?

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Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 23:07

KS - how awful for your ex to do that.

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Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 23:13

None of what I have just said makes much sense, sorry. I know what I'm trying to say, but it's not coming out right.

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hazygirl · 21/07/2007 06:19

pc you were a good granddaughter, i didnt see my grandparents much once i got married everything is so busy once you have kids,but i bet she always had beatiful memories of you when you were younger,my grandaughters are so special,so was jayden,my grandson he was called, i cant believe i was so upset when my daughter got pregnant,but been a granny is greatxx

Pinkchampagne · 21/07/2007 08:31

She had lots of memories of us when we were young, and she would always talk about them when she saw us.
She took care of my sister & I loads when we were younger, especially when mum was ill.
My mum had lots of stomach problems when we were children, and had quite a few ops, so nan would move in & take care of us because dad had to work.

Nan had 12 grandchildren, but some of them didn't bother seeing her at all, she was very close to my sister & myself, and adored my boys.
She used to say "How can two brothers be so different?!", which she always followed with "They are both lovely boys"
DS1 would sit & talk to her for ages, which she enjoyed. I have lovely memories & pictures of the two of them sitting alone at the table last Christmas, chatting & writing little notes at the table after everyone had moved out of the room.

DS2 would make nan laugh. He visited her lots, infact he probably saw more of her towards the end than I did, because he would go down to see her with mum on the days she looked after him while I worked.
He would always be on the look out for goodies & knew that his great nanny would provide them!

I tried to make sure I visited nan, but I could have tried harder to see her more. I was often exhausted after work. It was quite a walk to nan's house, and the boys would also be tired after school.

Whenever she was at mum's I would make sure I came around with the boys to see her.
The last time I saw her was round my parents house.
I sat with her in the lounge & talked to her. She looked well to me, but she kept having headaches, which I didn't like to see.

I went with dad to take her home. I helped her into her house & eased her into her chair, kissing her cheek & telling her I would see her soon.
That was the very last time I saw her.

Nan was a beautiful lady inside & out. I loved her very much & I hope she knew that.

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Pinkchampagne · 21/07/2007 08:55

I'm going out to buy something to wear for her funeral today.

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Marina · 21/07/2007 09:16

Pinkchampagne, sorry I've not been on Mn much this week. My mum (possibly not much younger than your wonderful nan) had a heart attack last weekend, she's doing well but I've been at the hospital a lot. And, at her vehement insistence, we are on holiday now.
I have been thinking of you though and will be especially today. All your Mn friends are, even the ones who aren't online right now. You do know that, don't you XXX
Love articulates itself through shared thoughts, jokes, tests of strength, fun times. Of course your nan knew how much you and your sister and your boys loved her.

Pinkchampagne · 21/07/2007 09:31

Sorry to hear about your mum, Marina - sounds like you have had quite a stressful time & probably very much in need of that holiday!
Really pleased to hear she is doing well now though. Hope she's well enough to come home very soon.

Thank you for thinking of me. You lovely lot have all been a great support to me through all this, and I can't thank you enough.

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Pinkchampagne · 21/07/2007 18:50

Had my sister round this afternoon & we sorted out a message to go with nan's flowers.
I had to phone the florist as my sister was feeling very emotional after seeing nan's order of service round at my mum's. I haven't yet seen it. Dad demanded she came round to me as he didn't want me & the boys turning up at their house when they are due to have mum's cousin turn up.
Dad is apparantly going off on one quite a lot, which also upset my sister.

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Tessiebear · 21/07/2007 21:54

May well have to borrow some milk Pink!!!! We are always running out - we must get through about 6 pints a day!!
I still have my grans phone number on the memory of my mobile phone. I phone it from time to time - just to check if things have gone back to the way they were.

Pinkchampagne · 21/07/2007 22:04

Please come & take a few pints, Tess!

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Pinkchampagne · 21/07/2007 23:03

Nan's will to the family is really touching, it has made us all cry a lot, but right at the end it kind of made me smile.
She has written "I forgot, the case that XX bought me for Christmas, give her it back"
Bless her, that was typical nan!

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Blu · 22/07/2007 11:09

PC - I am off on hols...in a minute!!

I will be thinking of you...but I know your nan will be in your heart watching over you. Ignore your dad's nonsense, we all know what he's like, deep breaths, and you and your sister can get on with upholding common sense, calm and kindness.

Love Blu XXXXXXXX

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 11:12

Have a lovely time, Blu, and thanks for all your support.

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Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 13:14

Just spoken to my cousin on the phone. Yesterday was her sister's wedding day, and she was very emotional because nan couldn't be there.
She went to see nan the other day & says that it doesn't look like nan lying there, but she's glad she went to say goodbye. she has said she will go along with me tomorrow if I change my mind about seeing nan. I really don't know what to do, I don't know if I can handle it, but will I regret it if I don't? Tomorrow is my last chance to look at her.

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hazygirl · 22/07/2007 14:49

tinking of you pc ,whatever you decide has to be your choice, hope the funeral goes ok ,prob wont be on here much next few days as dd has scan tomoorrow again,she has too much water,so got the girls when i finish work,hubby got days holiday to take her as its at another hosppital'thanks for talking ,you have really been great,and say hello to triplets ,i

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 15:02

Thank you, hazy, I hope your daughters scan goes well.

I can't begin to explain how much I am dreading Tuesday. I am feeling pretty low again today, and my 4 year old having major aggressive tantrums isn't helping.

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hazygirl · 22/07/2007 15:14

i felt a bit better once funeral was over,it was one less hurdle to get over, each step is one more over ,the last step will be inquest which we are still awaiting .we were told march /april but coroner is really behind ,a prisoner died in armley jail and his inquest took over court for six weeks ,so coroner says he is behind. i promise once over its less to stress about,i will b thinking of youxx

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 15:21

Thanks, hazy. I just can't see beyond Tuesday atm, I'm really dreading it.
Hope you're ok.x

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