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Original poster

Just been told that my lovely nan has passed away & my parents are away on holiday

427 replies

Pinkchampagne · 10/07/2007 17:57

They have only been gone since last Thursday, so I have to find a way to contact them to try & get them home before the funeral.
My nan had a massive stroke & I didn't know, and now she's dead. I'm in bits, I feel so guilty. I was going to phone her tonight to check she was ok, and now she's gone.[

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 18/07/2007 23:44

Thanks, hazygirl.

I am missing nan so much & I feel so terrible, but I think I have made a definite decision not to see my nan's body. I want to rememeber my lovely nan as she was.

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hazygirl · 19/07/2007 07:57

im glad, i remember when we went ,my daughter couldnt go in ,she said promise me youll kiss him goodbye,tell him we love him ,give him this letter, hubby said r u sure you want to do this, my fifteen year old daughter said we have to or may regret it, i had been so many times in the hospital,but this was over two weeks later, i wish to got i didnt go ,our little man had gone , and weeks after its all i saw when i went to sleep, and the first thing i saw every morning.

KITTENSOCKS · 19/07/2007 13:27

Always thought I was making progress when I had a day without tears.
I didn't see my parents bodies through choice, I knew they wouldn't look as they had done living. Did see FIL, but only to support DH, in hospital and at the undertakers, but didn't look right, can only describe as "empty". (sorry if TMI)

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 19/07/2007 16:17

I have thought about it all a lot, and I have talked to quite a few people about it, and feel it would probably be very upsetting for me to see nan lying there dead. She won't look like the nan I remembered. Also, I would probably want to touch her, and I've been warned how shockingly icy cold she would feel. I think it could be quite disturbing, and I want to remember my lovely nan as she was when she was alive. I think I've made the right decision here, I really don't think I'm strong enough to deal with seeing her dead.

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triplets · 19/07/2007 21:27

Hi Pink,
Stay with your gut feelings, for you its the right thing to do. Have lovlely last memories, don`t put yourself through any extra pain. Went to hospital today and now have to wear at bedtime a masking device for tinnitus, ow lovley! James still poorly, just be our luck for al three to come down with something before we fly off next Thurs! Saw Tessiebear today and she was choked up about your obituaries, we are all thinking of you, xxx

Blu · 19/07/2007 22:31

PC, oh, you poor love.

I do think that you have made the right decision not to see your nan now. The body isn't your Nan, now, your nan now is your memories of a laughing loving woman. Bodies are bodies. i saw my grandfather an hour or so after he died - and he looked like my grandfather but relaxed. A few days later he looked nothing like him. A body. It wasn't comforting, it was alienating.

So so sorry about all the stress you are dlaing with.

Tbh, it doesn't sound as if you are depressed, but rather extremely stressed. I am not surprised you howled behind the door - anyone would.

I am disappointed to hear that your BIL was teaming up with your dad and getting at you - he should have been a lot more sensitive. And has adopted the 'no shoes' thing in the car?...now where have I heard that before?? You really haven't got many safe havens on your family, have you? You know what? That little set of circumstances would have had me face down on the floor and distraught, so you're not doing any worse than anyone would. In fact you're a bloody marvel o strength, you really are.

Hugs.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 19/07/2007 23:55

Thank you for your messages.

I have been pretty tearful since reading all nan's obituaries in the local paper today. I still can't believe she's gone.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 00:00

My sister & I have ordered nan's flowers for her funeral now.
Dreading that day so much.

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hazygirl · 20/07/2007 07:39

pc thinking about you, things do get easier after funeral,hope it goes ok, anway off to bed now,busy night and im knackeredx

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 08:27

The run up to the funeral is just awful isn't it?

I have spoken to mum on the phone this morning & she told me that she is probably going to see nan with her cousin, and my sister is also seriously thinking of going to see her. My cousin & uncle went yesterday, so I feel I almost should go along too, but really not sure I want to, I really don't think I can handle it.
Mum feels bad that she wasn't there at the end, and I feel terribly guilty too, but I'm no use to nan now, she's not here anymore.

I'm tired & tearful again this morning. My DS2 has been awake since the early hours, screaming with earache. He is dosed up now & seems brighter, but I am going to call the doctors in a minute incase it's an infection.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 10:39

I've got until Monday if I want to change my mind about seeing nan. I think I may write her a letter for mum to take when she goes to see her. I know nan won't be able to read it, but it might make me feel better.

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Blu · 20/07/2007 11:20

Don't stres yourself too much over whether you see her or not - you can decide on the day - if you feel up to it / as if it would be the right thing, then do it. If not, don't. There isn't a right or wrong, i think.

Really sorry to hear about DS2 - poor thing - I hope it isn't getting worse?

Writing a letter to your nan is a lovely idea...I imagine her as someone who would have supported you unconditionally through everything you have been through in the last year, and been on your side - but because of your care for her, you didn't want to worry her. That was very strong and generous of you, PC. She would be proud of you, I know.

I don't happen to believe in afterlife, but i believe very much in the power of knowing that someone loved you, of role models and that people who were an inspiration or comfort DO live on in you because they continue to support who you are and what you do - their influence and role in your life lives on.

KITTENSOCKS · 20/07/2007 12:37

PIink, I would have been appalled at your father and BILs behaviour towards you, BIL smacks of control-freakery! Anyone who puts their car before people needs to get their priorities sorted. However, not knowing how your relatives normally behave towards you, it is possible that they just can't cope with someone in acute distress and everything they say comes out wrong, or they have no capacity to empathise. I know when everyone is stressed things can be said in the heat of the moment, and wished they'd never said it, but if no apology is forthcoming.....

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 12:40

That is kind of what I believe too, Blu, that you live on through your family.

I feel 90% sure that I don't want to see nan dead, but there is a tiny part of me that feels I should. I probably won't though tbh as I really don't feel strong enough to deal with it.

Just got back from the doctors with DS2, and as I suspected, he has an ear infection, so has some antibiotics,
He is missing his nursery leavers party today, which is a shame.

Think you're right in thinking I'm stressed rather than depressed right now. I know that if none of the upset was here, I would be just fine. I am not out of control, which you are a bit with depression, although I have moments where I feel my head is going to explode into a million pieces because I can't take anymore. I guess that's stress!

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 12:45

It's just how he is, KS. BIL has a posh new car & wouldn't allow my boys to enter the car without first taking off their shoes incase they put their feet on the seats!
Their dad is like this too, but at least he only made them remove their shoes if they were slightly muddy. On Saturday the shoes were not even slightly dirty!
I felt myself getting very angry with him, and it takes a lot to get me to that stage!

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Tessiebear · 20/07/2007 13:00

Hi Pink,
Booed my eyes out when i read the obituary in the paper from your Ds's. I tried to tell my sister and Triplets what it said but instead i had to tell them to go and buy the paper because i would have blubbed again!
Hope you are ok. My advice - dont go and see your nan. It will be the first memory you have of her every time she enters your mind. I went and saw my nan a day before she died when she was in a kind of coma - and that was awful. It is not the memory i want to have etched on my brain when i think of her. Keep you happy memories. Hope your ds2 gets better soon - might see you at the fair etc next weekXX

KITTENSOCKS · 20/07/2007 13:05

Any obsessive/compulsive history in their family?

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 13:16

Really don't think I will go & see her, Tess. I am afraid that it will shock me, and like you say, stick in my memory, rather than the nice memories I have of nan's lovely smiling face when she was with us.

I had forgotten it was carnival week next week. Can't see past Tuesday atm.
Tried to do my online shopping the other night & bodged it up badly. Forgot essentials like potatoes, mince & beans, but ordered smoked salmon, some plums (no other fruit!), bacardi, and stacks of milk, as in 16 pints!!
I have really lost the plot atm!

KS - do you mean in BIL's family or ex H's?

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KITTENSOCKS · 20/07/2007 13:22

Either!

NAB3 · 20/07/2007 13:23

"How awful for you.

how long ago did your nan pass away? Does it get easier? "

Sorry, PC. I haven't caught up on here properly yet.
My Nan died 10 days before my baby was born in June 2005. I guess in a way it has got easier but I still can't quite believe it. I never can when people die. I was brought up in care so didn't have the full on relationship with my Nan that you would have had with yours so I do feel a bit differently with some things that you will.

Blu · 20/07/2007 13:30

Phew - thank goodness you remembered the Bacardi! Shows you're thinking straight!

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 14:51

Well yes, I guess the Bacardi was kind of important, so I maybe didn't hash up totally! The whole milk situation is completely bonkers though, so Tess & triplets, if you are short on milk, you know where to come!!

KS - I don't know of any obsessive/compulsive history in ex H or BIL's families, but both had tough childhood experiences.

NAB3 - it is so hard to come to terms with the death of someone close to you isn't it?
I can't believe we will never see nan again, it is just too much. I remember being a little like this when grandad died all those years back. We would pull up outside their house & I would almost expect to see him appear at the front door because I just couldn't believe he had really gone.
I feel a little like this right now. I want nan to come home, to find her back in her red chair again as you walk through her front door, but she is never coming back to her little house again, and that is just the hardest thing to take in.

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KITTENSOCKS · 20/07/2007 17:14

Didn't mean to pry, Pink, just that O.C.D.sufferers are worse when under stress.
By the way, your shopping sounds better than mine was under the same circumstances, I think I lived on cereal and milk for a while.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 20/07/2007 17:54

Not sure if they have OCD, although ex H may. They are both very OTT about their cars though.

Dad & BIL were winding me up a lot that morning about various things, although I was probably very over sensitive.

BIL was making a big joke of not wanting me to get in his car in the first place & dad was saying he didn't blame him.
Then when BIL agreed to take me, he insisted both boys shoes were removed & put in the boot before they could enter his car.
It was the final straw that morning, and I said "Stuff it, it will be easier just to walk!"
Think it is was just BIL being BIL though, I don't think he was acting that differently to normal, but it all got to me more.

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NAB3 · 20/07/2007 17:56

In the first year, and 2 weeks ago, I had a moment where I thought I would go and ring my Nan and then I thought I would ring and see if she would answer even though I knew the new male house owner would. I thought he might know how she was. Seeing her house for sale on the website was strange too.