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Bereavement

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Original poster

Do I still count as a mother?

88 replies

RobertsMother · 16/02/2019 16:01

7 months ago, my son Robert (currently my only child) was born at 28 weeks. I was haemorrhaging (placenta previa) and the doctors felt the best option was a c section. My son was born well and taken to NICU. I was told i wouldn't be able to get into a wheelchair until the spinal block wore off so best to rest up until the next day, when I could be safely taken to see him. Sadly, I was woken at 1am and told Robert was in respiratory distress. They managed to get me upstairs and he passed away an hour later.

My husband and I stayed for four days in the bereavement suite with our son. We were afraid to take him home in case his condition deteriorated sooner so, when we left hospital, we came in for visits each day. We stopped once he moved to the undertaker as he was really deteriorating and we were struggling to see it. Now I wish we had visited and changed him into his final outfit, tucked him into his forever bed.

I worry he never knew me and I worry I didn't do enough for him. I worry he wouldn't consider me his mother. And I worry that the world doesn't consider me a mother because I don't have my baby here.

I know mumsnet is full of mothers, can anyone reassure me that I count?

OP posts:
Thestral · 16/02/2019 16:02

Of course you are a Mother.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

GrumpySausage · 16/02/2019 16:03

You are 100% a mother. I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

formerbabe · 16/02/2019 16:03

Of course you are a mother Flowers

homemadegin · 16/02/2019 16:04

Oh my goodness, yes you are a mother. I am so incredibly sorry for you.

MonoClue · 16/02/2019 16:04

You are and always will be a mother.
So sorry for your loss Flowers

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 16/02/2019 16:05

You are a mother and he would have known you, of course he would. As only a baby could know his mother, within whose body he grew for 9 months. He knew your heartbeat and your voice. I’m very sorry for your loss.

Hoplittlebunnies · 16/02/2019 16:05

You are absolutely a mother Flowers I am so very sorry for your loss.

Squirrelonwheels · 16/02/2019 16:05

I’m so sorry for your loss. I would recommend you read the Feathering The Empty Nest blog - Elle writes eloquently about how she continues to be her son Teddy’s mother (he died after I think 3 days in NICU). I wish you comfort and peace.

Thesearmsofmine · 16/02/2019 16:05

You are Roberts mother and I believe he knew that, he knew your voice, your heartbeat and grew inside of you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely baby.

bevelino · 16/02/2019 16:05

OP, you are a mother and always will be. I am so sorry for your sad loss.

ecuse · 16/02/2019 16:06

Of course you are a mother,and I'm so sorry you don't have your baby here with you now. Robert would have known you, though, you carried him for 28 weeks. Sending love xx

LaurenOrdering · 16/02/2019 16:06

You are a Mother & will always be a Mother.
So sorry for your loss Flowers

Walnutwhipster · 16/02/2019 16:06

Of course. I'm so sorry for your loss but don't ever doubt you are a mother. xxx

MIdgebabe · 16/02/2019 16:07

Well of course you are a mother.

And you have been through one of the hardest thing s any mother could have to face. So have you got help and support you need?

Of course he knew you.

Hunkyd0ry · 16/02/2019 16:07

Of course you do. He would’ve known your voice from before he was born and would’ve known you were there.

You are a mother, you gave birth to a lovely little boy. He will always be your little boy. A woman whose child passed away in childhood or as a teenager would still be a mother, you are no less a mother.

You did all you could for him. Try not to think of the “what ifs” you made the right decisions for you and DH at the time.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 16/02/2019 16:08

You are and always will be his mother. For 28 weeks you were all he knew. You were everything to him.

Snipples · 16/02/2019 16:08

I'm so so sorry for your loss OP. You are 100% a mother. No one can take that from you. ❤️

ChoccyBiccyTastic · 16/02/2019 16:09

I am so, so sorry for your loss Flowers

I counted myself a mother when I lost my first pregnancy at 12 weeks, so you most definitely qualify!

thegreatbeyond · 16/02/2019 16:10

He knew you - your heartbeat, your voice. All of this came before his birth. Just as he will always be your first child, you will always be his mother.

UnperfectLife · 16/02/2019 16:11

Yes you are. You are mum to Robert, the son who you love.

1Violetcream · 16/02/2019 16:14

Your story and your feelings really broke my heart. I am so sorry you lost your darling baby. Absolutely you are his Mother.... you are a Roberts Mother and always will be. He was formed from you and grew inside you, he knew you and your voice and your heart beat. You loved him when he was growing inside you, you birthed him and you loved him. You did everything you could in those very difficult circumstances. You love him and you always will. That is a Mother.
I also suggest Elle Wright’s book.
Sending love xx

Cantchooseaname · 16/02/2019 16:16

You know a pain only a mother could. Nothing can ever change that you grew him. He heard your voice and your heart beat long before he entered the world. You were the first and last thing he knew.
He will always know your love, and nothing can change your place in his heart, or his in yours.
I hope you have the love and support you need to deal with the grief.

tattooq · 16/02/2019 16:19

Oh OP I'm so sorry Flowers Robert was lucky to have a wonderful mummy

CaseofEllen · 16/02/2019 16:19

100% a mummy to a beautiful baby boy xx

adelias · 16/02/2019 16:21

I'm so very sorry for your loss, my heart breaks for you. You are a mother as much as anyone with a living child is Thanks