7 months ago, my son Robert (currently my only child) was born at 28 weeks. I was haemorrhaging (placenta previa) and the doctors felt the best option was a c section. My son was born well and taken to NICU. I was told i wouldn't be able to get into a wheelchair until the spinal block wore off so best to rest up until the next day, when I could be safely taken to see him. Sadly, I was woken at 1am and told Robert was in respiratory distress. They managed to get me upstairs and he passed away an hour later.
My husband and I stayed for four days in the bereavement suite with our son. We were afraid to take him home in case his condition deteriorated sooner so, when we left hospital, we came in for visits each day. We stopped once he moved to the undertaker as he was really deteriorating and we were struggling to see it. Now I wish we had visited and changed him into his final outfit, tucked him into his forever bed.
I worry he never knew me and I worry I didn't do enough for him. I worry he wouldn't consider me his mother. And I worry that the world doesn't consider me a mother because I don't have my baby here.
I know mumsnet is full of mothers, can anyone reassure me that I count?