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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Do I still count as a mother?

88 replies

RobertsMother · 16/02/2019 16:01

7 months ago, my son Robert (currently my only child) was born at 28 weeks. I was haemorrhaging (placenta previa) and the doctors felt the best option was a c section. My son was born well and taken to NICU. I was told i wouldn't be able to get into a wheelchair until the spinal block wore off so best to rest up until the next day, when I could be safely taken to see him. Sadly, I was woken at 1am and told Robert was in respiratory distress. They managed to get me upstairs and he passed away an hour later.

My husband and I stayed for four days in the bereavement suite with our son. We were afraid to take him home in case his condition deteriorated sooner so, when we left hospital, we came in for visits each day. We stopped once he moved to the undertaker as he was really deteriorating and we were struggling to see it. Now I wish we had visited and changed him into his final outfit, tucked him into his forever bed.

I worry he never knew me and I worry I didn't do enough for him. I worry he wouldn't consider me his mother. And I worry that the world doesn't consider me a mother because I don't have my baby here.

I know mumsnet is full of mothers, can anyone reassure me that I count?

OP posts:

StressedToTheMaxx · 16/02/2019 19:20

You are the strongest type of mother there is.
You are the mother to a little angel.
Sadly nothing we can say will take away your pain. But you where there for your little one and showered him with all the love in the precious time you had.
Please be kinder to yourself and take time to try and heal as best you can

HildaOgdensFlyingDucks · 16/02/2019 19:23

You're Robert's mum, and you always will be. You did everything you could for him, gave your son all you had. He was with you for 28 weeks; he knew you're his mum. I'm so sorry for your loss

Original poster

RobertsMother · 16/02/2019 19:55

Thank you all so much. There are bad days and worse days and this is one of the worse days. I just needed to know the world sees me as a mother.

My husband is always there for me and that is a precious thing. My family are mostly good though they don't always understand how I feel. My friends have disappointed me as they have mostly drifted away.

I had some counselling from September to December and I found it helpful to talk through my self-blame. But the counselling came from a charity and you only got 10 sessions.

We are trying again. This was our 5th month and no joy. I try not to be obsessed with it but every month I feel devastated when my period comes. I feel like not only have I lost my son but every month I worry I am getting closer to never having his brother or sister. Which is an idea i cannot stand. Then my grief overwhelms me again. And I worry that the stress of grief is affecting my fertility. My head is a bit of a mess with it all.

Some times, it all feels so bleak and it hurts so much, I wonder how I haven't died from a broken heart. Another baby could never replace my boy but they would be a much needed source of light for us. And we would love them and tell them all about their big brother.

Thank you for letting me rant away and sorry to those who have suffered similar losses. It should never happen to anyone.

OP posts:

Gazelda · 16/02/2019 20:12

You will always be Robert's mother, and he will always be your son.

MiceSqueakCatsMeow · 16/02/2019 20:17

I will sound floopy, but this is my belief. All baby souls are in a baby waiting room. They choose their mothers there. He chose you, even though he wasn't here for long. He will have known you in the womb. You are and always will be his mother.

EssentialHummus · 16/02/2019 20:17

I’m so so sorry for your loss OP , and for your ongoing difficulty in conceiving. It’s shit.

nos123 · 16/02/2019 20:18

Your post made me cry. Of course you’re his mother. He will always be your baby. You did all you could for him while he was tucked up inside you and I’m sure that he enjoyed his little life in your womb. I’m so sorry he was taken from you so soon. Be assured that he will be comfortable and happy where he is now, he’s at peace. Your feelings exist because it’s very hard letting go, and that’s understandable. But whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up because you are his mum who did all she could for him and that will never change- you will be reunited one day.

SpanielEars070 · 16/02/2019 20:22

My darling son was born asleep at 26 weeks. That was 24 years ago last month.

It does get better though, I promise, though I can truthfully say it took me years. Don't ever stop talking about your son; keep his memory alive; and let yourself grieve as you need to. I've got my sons photo by the bed - he's my waking and last thought of every day, and that's comforting.

I have 3 amazing DDs and feel very blessed that they are here..... they really are so very precious. But there is still always one of us missing and that never really goes away, there just comes a quiet acceptance that sneaks up on you at some point. I do wonder how I ever survived those early years though....... it makes my chest ache just thinking of them. Take good care of yourself

bumblenbean · 16/02/2019 20:25

You count OP. You are Robert’s mum and nothing can ever take that away from you.

I’m so sorry you lost your little boy. It must be so hard to feel your friends have drifted away. It’s no excuse, but perhaps they are worried about saying the wrong thing.

Wishing you all the luck in the world in having another baby.

Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 20:26

Yes, you are as much as Mummy as any other Mum. And I am so very sorry for your loss.

SingingSands · 16/02/2019 20:29

Oh love, you are a mother. Mothers know the joy and heartbreak of loving their children. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You'll always be Robert's mummy.

OhTheRoses · 16/02/2019 20:31

spanielears got there first.

I held Alexander for 2 hours 35 minutes 22 years ago. I have been his mother ever since. He is my quieter boy, darker, perhaps a little more empathic. I promise life moves on and the hurt stops hurting. Eventually you will come to terms with it.

Are you getting all the support you need? Are you in touch with SANDS?

I recall the awkward silences from friends. I had hoped that bit had got better. I do recall support from unexpected sources though. My very stern and grizzled neighbour who turned up with a bottle of sherry and shared.

AlexaShutUp · 16/02/2019 20:33

Of course you are a mother, and you absolutely did everything that you possibly could have done for little Robert. You carried him and nurtured him for 28 weeks. You were with him when he passed away. You loved him. I'm absolutely sure he knew you in his own special way.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be very difficult, but it does not make you any less of a mother.

CoralandTeal · 16/02/2019 20:38

Aw I'm so sorry, of course you are a mother!! He will forever be your baby.

Could you get a necklace or bracelet engraved with his name? That way you have a special little reminder of him with you wherever you go.

Did you get a chance to take any pictures with him? You could have a special picture hung up as well maybe.

Big hugs xx

Wolfcub · 16/02/2019 20:38

Yes you are a mother, you will always be a mother. I’m so sorry for your loss Op

calpop · 16/02/2019 20:39

Oh Darling of course you are his mother, always were and always will be x

8FencingWire · 16/02/2019 20:43

Of course you are. You’re Robert’s mum!
Big hugs

RainbowMum11 · 16/02/2019 21:33

You absolutely are, and always will be, Roberts Mum xxx
I am so so sorry - it's such an awful and horrific thing to have to survive, but Robert will always be in your heart, your memory & your life xxx

AliceRR · 16/02/2019 21:35

Hi OP I just posted a thread about my baby whom I lost this week - she was born asleep at 40 weeks. I have the same feeling, like I’m a mother without a baby. I have been asking myself am I still a mother? My baby’s heart stopped before she was even born. I fear she will never know how much I loved her. But we did love our babies and I believe they know. I think we did all we could OP.

I’m so sorry for your loss

ValleyoftheHorses · 16/02/2019 21:39

I’m so sorry you don’t have Robert with you. You will always be his mummy.

PlinkPlink · 16/02/2019 21:44

Oh gosh I'm so Sorry for your loss.
He absolutely knew you. You and he were one being for 9 months! He knew the sound of your voice, your laugh, your hiccups; your heartbeat soothed him, your walking lulled him to sleep.

You are absolutely a mother, always will be and nothing can ever take that away from you.

I hope you find some peace in the coming days, weeks and months.

Original poster

RobertsMother · 16/02/2019 22:24

AliceRR - I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your post, I believe your daughter absolutely loves you and has a connection with you. I guess my grief clouds my view of my own situation but seeing your situation, it feels crystal clear. We are Mummies to our lovely angel babies.

OP posts:

Original poster

RobertsMother · 16/02/2019 22:28

Re: the post about babies in the afterlife. I have no idea what I believe really but I believe my son sends me signs. White feathers, sequin hearts, rainbows. It comforts me to think he would send signs- it must mean he loves me.

OP posts:

golddustwomen · 16/02/2019 22:30

So so sorry this has happened to you.
You are, and will always be, Roberts mommy xxx

anniehm · 16/02/2019 22:32

You are a mother, you have had to endure a grief that thankfully most of us cannot imagine but that doesn't stop you being a mum

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