Wake costs

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I'm after a bit of advice regarding wake arrangements please. My StepM passed away 10 days ago, leaving a brother and 2 stepchildren. Her brother is Executor of the estate but has not yet received a copy of the Will. It's possible my brother and I are beneficiaries of my Father's half share of their property but its likely that her brother will inherit all other assets.

Her brother has organised the funeral etc and has booked a local venue for the wake. I've offered to contribute £300 to the wake costs for cold platters on arrival, this is all I can afford at short notice (having just paid out for house maintenance and our family holiday) without using credit. I had anticipated 50 or so guests but SM brother has now informed me there are closer to 160. A well meaning family friend has advised that a lot of her hobby craft friends are attending and will be expecting a hot meal during the wake.

Is it possible for the probate solicitor to obtain funds from SM's account to contribute to wake costs now, rather than after the estate has paid out, as SM's brother is not in a position to fund drinks/hot food during the wake.

Please can someone let me know what the "done thing" is in terms of etiquette and costs? Thanks.

Sorry for your loss.
I believe banks will sometimes release money early for the funeral costs but I'm not sure about a wake (and it is not guaranteed).
I'd stick to the budget and offer sandwiches as planned. It doesn't matter what people want as its not about them.

Thanks Flinty, I'm doing okay but am finding this frustrating as it's a difficult situation and we are trying to do the best we can.

Expecting a hot meal at the wake?

I have been to numerous funerals over my nearly 60 years, and never once has a hot meal been served.

A morning funeral may well need sandwiches and savouries at a lunchtime wake, , an afternoon one , simply a slice of cake and a cup of tea..

You could do a simple sandwich and savouries wake for £300surely?

Thank you for confirming. I will stick to my guns and not feel like I'm doing SM a disservice by not providing all her friends with dinner.

It's hard to tell if I was being unreasonable or overly sensitive due to stress.
Thanks x

Some banks will release money for the funeral costs, flowers & wake (Nat West did for us), but I think some banks will only do so for the funeral. The executor will have to go in to the bank with a copy of the will, ID etc etc.

And no.beed for a hot meal. How rude!

It's a wake, not a fucking restaurant! Anyone who expects a 'hot meal' at a wake is an entitled git. There's absolutely nothing wrong with food that isn't heated. Stick to your guns. You can't afford it, you can't afford it.

As executor her brother can look after everything. You should not be concerning yourself with how it's funded nor should you be offering to fund any of it. Let her brother speak to the solicitor/bank, whoever, and just turn up for the funeral the same way other family members will. Don't involve yourself want further.

And honestly, I think your SM's brother is trying to fleece you. Get you to pay for the whole thing and then he inherits the lot. Please don't let him take advantage or take you for a ride! £300 and that's IT. He can go and get money for what he wants.

Sorry, 'Don't involve yourself any further'

I agree, Drum. He has a cheek coming to you to pay for it. He's trying to fleece you.

The costs of the wake just like the funeral should be taken from the estate before its divided - someone needs to pay upfront obviously but you should get it back promptly

God, what cheeky gits.

I'd say to anyone who wanted a hot meal that they'd be very welcome to bring a dish for everyone.

Like pp’s, i’ve been to lots of funerals and NEVER has a hot meal been served. So the ‘crafty friends’ can fuck off! Twice there was a hot soup option alongside the sandwich/sausage rolls at a winter funeral buffet, but certainly not the rule. Still to your guns Op and don’t get taken for a ride.
Sorry for your loss

Dh was executor of his mums will, he paid all costs for the funeral and it was then reflected in the overall division of the estate. By the time this estate is divided, if you are even a beneficiary, your £300 may well be forgotten about. Her brother will have given the bill to the solicitor and it will be added to executors share. So really you shouldn't pay anything.

The funeral costs should be documented in the probate application. I did the probate application (as an executor) when my dad passed away and I recall there being a section for this. If you're contributing anything I'd ask the brother to give you a hand written receipt so you have a record of what you've contributed.

The only hot food I've ever been offered at a wake is soup and that was in Ireland. Cold buffet platters are more than adequate.

I've had sausage rolls and heated pork pies, that's the extent of hot food. No one goes to a wake expecting a full on meal unless they are incredibly entitled and rude. What exactly would it entail? A caterer would be flummoxed. We just had FILs wake in November, sausage rolls, pork pies, sandwiches, cold cuts, biscuits and wee cakes, tea and coffee. It's a wake.

friends are attending and will be expecting a hot meal during the wake.

“Expecting”? Really? No. Very rude.
I have only ever been to one hot meal wake (very elderly Catholic uncle if that makes a difference) but i was definately not expecting it. Every other wake has been buffet with trays of sausage rolls, sandwiches, crisps and cake with tea or coffee and a paid bar available. Also most of the buffets have been made by the family members, only one where food was supplied by the venue. If there are so many people going it would be cheaper to cater yourselves so offering £300 seems an awful lot for a few loaves of bread & fillings. Surely his children can help (with costs or making the food) And if he says he needs more money then saying about catering yourselves might just get him to find the money!

A well meaning family friend has advised that a lot of her hobby craft friends are attending and will be expecting a hot meal during the wake

not that well meaning, you get what you're given at a wake, and personally, I have never had a hot meal at a wake

Thanks very much everyone, really appreciate your replies.

Every wake ive been to has had a few big cakes and some small sandwiches, when theyve been in pubs people have bought their own drinks at the bar, otherwise tea and coffee was provided.

The on ly one a bit different was my dads because it suited his personality so we had a hog roast and ice cream van.

Hot meal! I've never heard of this, cold platters are fine. I'm sorry for your loss.

When my mum died, we had about 100 at the service and 60 came for the funeral tea. They included lots of friends from the Women's Institute (i.e. probably in a similar category to the hobby craft friends). The food was sandwiches, sausage rolls and Danish pastries and everyone genuinely seemed completely happy. Total cost under £200 (although that was in a local pub - a hotel would have been more).

They can expect but they won't get! Been to around 10 funerals and not once was a hot meal served. Most people only stay for around 30 minutes in any event.