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Original poster

My darling husband has died

91 replies

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 08/02/2019 02:58

My kind, generous, gorgeous DH passed away on Monday after a short battle with secondary brain cancer. It was harrowing watching him suffering towards the end, when he couldn't speak, couldn't walk, couldn't eat or drink without a feeding tube, and was so confused he was convinced it was 2024.

I miss him so much. I registered his death today and the cause of death listed was sepsis, aspiration pneumonia, squamous cell lung cancer and brain mets. At the end, the right side of his brain was completely filled by tumours, and it affected every function.

He went through terminal aggression at the weekend, where he attacked me - he didn't know what he was doing and I was more distressed at how confused he was than what he was doing, because I know that was the tumours and not him. I lived at the hospital with him for the last week, sleeping on a mattress on the floor at the side of his bed.

I just don't know how I will cope. I can't face going home so I'm staying with my parents. I can't sleep, and I'm not hungry - I ate today but it's given me a bad stomach. I just keep thinking he will walk in and start joking, or put rubbish tv on, or make endless cups of tea. I was with him when he died, i held his hand from when they withdrew treatment until 2 hours after he died (about 8 hours altogether) but i don't know if he knew i was there because he was so heavily sedated. I hate the thought that he's alone at the hospital mortuary, he will be so lonely.

A strange thing happened today though. I made a drink in the coffee machine and am angel appeared in my cup. I think it's him reminding me he's there, he did always say he would haunt me!

Sorry, I'm rambling. I just can't believe he's gone, I love him. I miss him.

OP posts:
QOD · 08/02/2019 02:59

So sorry op 💐

Rachelle3211 · 08/02/2019 03:04

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You have been through so much. I'm glad you are at your parents house I am so sorry.

TanteRose · 08/02/2019 03:05

I'm so so sorry Gretchen Flowers

I saw your other thread and you were so brave and strong for him - he will have known you were with him, don't worry.

please take care of yourself and your family.

Sad Flowers

HeronLanyon · 08/02/2019 03:08

Op I am so so sorry. You will get through this but at the moment you are in unimaginable shock and grief. Call on friends and family for support - they will want to help but won’t always know how or when. Take each day as it comes. Know all of your love for him and memories are safe with you and always will be. Eat and sleep as best you can. Be very gentle and forgiving of yourself and others. You will get through. I am really sorry. Flowers

BoreOfWhabylon · 08/02/2019 03:08

I am so very sorry Gretchen Flowers

Alonglongway · 08/02/2019 03:13

So sorry to hear this

My cousin’s beloved husband died similarly and was aggressive towards her at the end. They had decided he would die at home when it became clear there was no more treatment. She said he was very angry and took it out on her. Now that time has passed she has perspective. She just talks about it as a stage of the illness.

Wishing you peace

LuckyLou7 · 08/02/2019 03:17

Thinking of you and sending you strength. Grief is a long journey and there is no set route to follow. Be kind to yourself.

wireswireswires · 08/02/2019 03:31

I'm so so sorry my love. Take each hour and work towards the next one. X

TheEmperorIsNaked · 08/02/2019 03:35

I'm so sorry Gretchen Thanks

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 08/02/2019 03:42

My heart breaks for you Gretchen! Sometimes life is so unfair! I believe
that your husband knew you were there. It’s clear that you loved each other very much, that kind of love never dies, part of him will always be with you.

I know that everyone has different beliefs but given you took comfort from what happened today, perhaps it will bring you comfort to think of your husband free of pain, no longer restricted by the cancer that riddled his body. I believe in an afterlife, I believe that you will be together again one day. I also believe you will smell him and feel his presence with you frequently in the days to come.

I hope you don’t mind my praying for comfort for you and a sense of peace. You have been through so much and likely just backpiled every hurt and trauma that has happened to be strong for your husband and family. It is completely overwhelming to lift the lid on that - the grief is all encompassing. As others have said, be kind to yourself, let your loved ones envelope you and care for you so that you can just feel.

kateandme · 08/02/2019 03:52

oh im so sorry luv.
there is no set route to what happens next.allow it to come as it does.this is grief and its all kinds of pain.and that's ok. don't question how you feel over the next while just get the support you need to get through it.
im not sure on the "stages of grief" they talk to people about but the range of emotions im sure will be overwhelming at times.
let people hold you tight.get the support you need.
you were there for him through it all and until the end.he new that.you know that.let that set some peace into your hear right now.he left with you holding him.that is where he is at so hes not alone.your with him always and vice versa.

isthismylifenow · 08/02/2019 05:52

So sorry Gretchen. Sending you love and strength and this sad sad time.

Decormad38 · 08/02/2019 05:59

Sorry for your loss. Crying for you 😢 Take care of yourself though and give yourself time.

Herja · 08/02/2019 06:11

I am so very sorry sweetheart. Being with him for his final hours is the greatest gift you could have given him. You love him as he does you, that love will continue even with him gone from you. Hold on to it and cherish it, with time you will start to find all the happy memories you shared.

My boyfriend died unexpectedly in November. He had been one of my best friends since I was 14. But this is your husband and it will be harder. It IS hard. It is brutal. It is fucking cruel. It does slowly start to get easier.

Not less painful, the person you love so deeply is loved no less. There are days that hit you like a monumental wave where you just can't function still; but it becomes days, not every day. You remain filled with the love they gave you and you start to be able to remember the happiness you shared rather than be entirely consumed with this awful pain.

Take any help that is offered to you. This hurt is more than one person can, or should have to, cope with. Take what is offered, ask for what you need; focus on yourself and let your parents and friends hold the rest of the world for a while.

BriocheBriocheBrioche · 08/02/2019 06:19

So sorry to hear this Gretchen. I was following your other thread. Thoughts are with you xx

Fluffytheevil1 · 08/02/2019 06:20
Thanks Sorry for your loss OP.
OneOfTheGrundys · 08/02/2019 06:24

I’m so sorry you are enduring this.
My dad died from brain cancer and became a different, often aggressive person.
My husband is also terminally ill (well, life linitingly so now) and I’ll be a widow by the end of my 40s probably.
Many, many thoughts to you today x

minmooch · 08/02/2019 06:26

I'm so very sorry Thanks

I lost my son to brain cancer and it is an horrendous way to go. It was horrific watching him suffer.

I'm so very sorry x

SamBaileys · 08/02/2019 06:27

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2019 06:37

I’m so sorry for your loss. He’s been released but for those of us left behind it’s so very hard. He’s not lonely. He’s told you he’s around and about somewhere. That’s just his body and he really doesn’t need it anymore. Flowers

minmooch Flowers

MonoClue · 08/02/2019 06:39

Flowers so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself

Chimchar · 08/02/2019 06:44

I'm so very sorry to read about your husband. Sad

Thinking of you x

ItsClemFandangoCanYouHearMe · 08/02/2019 06:44

I'm so sorry @AndNoneForGretchenWieners Thanks 

Chasingsquirrels · 08/02/2019 06:48

AndNoneForGretchenWieners I've been thinking about you since I saw and posted on your thread.
I'm was so sorry to read about your husband's last few days and death.
I'm glad that you have your parents to stay with at the moment.

This is a brutal and raw time for you, you are also likely in shock and everything will just feel like going through the motions.
There is likely nothing I can say that will help, it just takes time - and that time will be whatever it is for you.

I didn't want to type this on your last thread, I thought that should just be about our condolences.
I'm still not sure if this is too early for you and I in no way want to make this about me, just share experiences in case there might be something that helps, so here goes...

My husband died nearly 2 years ago almost a year after his cancer diagnosis.
For me, the initial period after his death felt very calm, but in retrospect I was definately in shock.
The first year was pretty much just about existing, getting through, carrying on.
I didn't did much pleasure in anything, but my children (DH was their step dad) still needed to be fed and carry on with their lives.
I'd taken a leave of absence from work about 6 weeks before he died and I went back of a reduced hours basis (I'd been part time anyway) about 6 weeks after. For me that was absolutely the right thing to do as it gave me a focus, for others it wouldn't be. You have to do whatever works for you.
But, in time, I started wanting to live again. I'd know that I would, but I couldn't hurry that time, it was a process I'd had to go through.

I also joined Widowed And Young, a peer support group for people who are under 50 when their partner dies. Meeting others who could relate to what I was going through was invaluable.

You just have to keep going, sometimes that's second by second, minute by minute, day by day.
In time it becomes day by day, week by week, month by month.
In time your life expands again and this awful period won't completely fill your horizon but become a part of your life map, and that's hard too in its way.
Take all the help people offer you, and their love and caring.

Cuttingthegrass · 08/02/2019 07:07

Oh you poor thing. Allow yourself to feel his love. Yes he would have known you were with him and comforting him. This must be so very painful for you. Take strength from those around you. Xx