My darling husband has died

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

My kind, generous, gorgeous DH passed away on Monday after a short battle with secondary brain cancer. It was harrowing watching him suffering towards the end, when he couldn't speak, couldn't walk, couldn't eat or drink without a feeding tube, and was so confused he was convinced it was 2024.

I miss him so much. I registered his death today and the cause of death listed was sepsis, aspiration pneumonia, squamous cell lung cancer and brain mets. At the end, the right side of his brain was completely filled by tumours, and it affected every function.

He went through terminal aggression at the weekend, where he attacked me - he didn't know what he was doing and I was more distressed at how confused he was than what he was doing, because I know that was the tumours and not him. I lived at the hospital with him for the last week, sleeping on a mattress on the floor at the side of his bed.

I just don't know how I will cope. I can't face going home so I'm staying with my parents. I can't sleep, and I'm not hungry - I ate today but it's given me a bad stomach. I just keep thinking he will walk in and start joking, or put rubbish tv on, or make endless cups of tea. I was with him when he died, i held his hand from when they withdrew treatment until 2 hours after he died (about 8 hours altogether) but i don't know if he knew i was there because he was so heavily sedated. I hate the thought that he's alone at the hospital mortuary, he will be so lonely.

A strange thing happened today though. I made a drink in the coffee machine and am angel appeared in my cup. I think it's him reminding me he's there, he did always say he would haunt me!

Sorry, I'm rambling. I just can't believe he's gone, I love him. I miss him.

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners I dedicated a tree. So glad I did. It's in the grounds of the local university, where we met. Near where I live so I visit often and talk to him. We planted it on the first anniversary and held a memorial picnic there, which was lovely. In our case we buried the ashes underneath. You could scatter some around. I love the idea that the tree will continue to grow over the years. It's an oak. A living memorial - love never dies. Xx

So sorry

Sorry for your loss

I’m so very sorry for your loss.

Before he was poorly, what was he llke?
I saw your reference to endless cups of tea! I like that skill in a man :) shows he liked to take care of people in my book.

I’ve just read your OP, Gretchen and your other posts about your DH. You paint such a clear picture of him and he sounds like a wonderful, warm man. I’m so glad you found each other but so very sorry for your loss. I wish you every strength in the difficult times ahead and will be thinking of you and your family

Hope lunch with DS & DSS was okay AndNoneForGretchenWieners. How old ate they and how are they doing?
My boys were 11 and 14, although my late-DH was their stepdad not their dad so it's been different for them.

I've no suggestions on the memorial front, I still have DH's ashes in the tube on a cupboard. I didn't want a spot, but have WAY friends who regularly go to the grave and to be with and talk to their partner.

When is the funeral?

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. May your lovely husband rest in peace.

Sending you a big hug, Gretchen. My much loved DH was 36 when he died, so I know what you’re going through. These first few weeks and months you just need to go into survival mode - do whatever you need to, just to keep going.
Use any of the support available that you feel may help you - friends, family, colleagues, MN, your GP, bereavement counselling, etc.
Whether you have a faith or not, your parish minister or vicar is always available, and they can be enormously comforting.
I’m a Christian and I firmly believe that you and I will be reunited with our DHs at our own death.
Your DH is not in the mortuary, that is just his mortal remains. Rather like a chrysalis, discarded when the butterfly has hatched and flown away to the sunlight.
I will put you in my prayers tonight, to ask that God will carry you through this and give you the strength to cope.
May I offer you this thought too, that I saw carved on a stone memorial by the Water of Leith in Edinburgh:
“Grief is not forever. But love is”.
God bless you.

I love the idea of an oak tree, that would be lovely. When I had my first miscarriage, we planted a cherry tree in the garden, so it would make sense to plant a tree as a tribute to my lovely DH.

wyoudo asked what he was like before he was poorly. He was spontaneous, would decide on a whim to go to the seaside, and would pack everything we would need in the car, make a flask of tea, then wake me and DS up to tell us we were going out. He worked long hours so his free time was important to him, and he always wanted to spend it with us. He dreamed of seeing the Northern Lights, but we didn't get the chance to go before he was unwell. He was very knowledgeable, had lots of random facts stored in his head about classical music and television, and enjoyed quizzes. We live in the Midlands but i work in London; sometimes he would surprise me by jumping on a train and waiting outside my office after I finished work, so we could have a night out in London and get the last train home. I sometimes would take a picnic to his work if it was a weekend or bank holiday, and we would watch Carry On films together on the portable tv in his gatehouse.

Lunch with the boys was nice, DSS is 32 and DS is 18, they have a lovely relationship. DSS is speaking at the funeral and said he can't remember a time when his mum and dad were together, his life is measured in chapters - just him and DH (he doesn't have memories of his older brother being there, although he was), then meeting me, then it being DH, me, DSS and DS. DH was a single dad from when DSS was a baby, and DSS didn't have contact with his mum for years.

The funeral isn't until the beginning of March, it feels like an age. I had to draft the death notice for the newspaper today, and book the room for the wake. I also had to sort out clothes for DH - we have decided on his military suit, because he was proud of being an ex serviceman, and kept his suit in perfect condition. I'm a bit sad about the thought of it not being there any more though, but I have happy memories instead.

DS was upset tonight because my dad showed him a holiday video from our last holiday as a family before Christmas, a big bunch of us went and DH looked so well and happy. It is heartbreaking to think that even as he was tobogganing and larking about in the snow, he was becoming unwell, and within two weeks of that holiday he would be diagnosed with the brain tumours. DS find it hard to watch because we all took it for granted that we would have more holidays and more time. I look back on the video fondly, although I did get upset tonight as well watching Eastenders of all things!

Anyway enough rambling...

AndNoneForGretchenWieners it is lovely to read your ramblings, although the circumstances in which you find yourself sharing them are horrible.

I hope you are managing to sleep, I know that it is something a lot of people struggle with after bereavement.

So sorry to hear this day has come, Gretchen. I've often noticed you on threads about age difference in relationships because yours was the same as mine. It was always very clear how much you loved your husband, and were loved by him in return. Sending you strength for supporting your DSS and DS and hoping that your wider family and friends are supporting you.

Sending love.

There are things at the edge of our perception, like your angel.

So sorry for you OP.

Gretchen I feel for your DS's reaction to the photos.

I have my photos on constant display as screensaver on a one-minute roll. Every now and then I see my lovely DH's image poking out of the edge of a screen/document I'm on. I minimise immediately.

There he is now, goofily rising a can of beer in Japan.

so sorry for your loss

So sorry for your loss. There are no words. Just lots of love xxxx