My kind, generous, gorgeous DH passed away on Monday after a short battle with secondary brain cancer. It was harrowing watching him suffering towards the end, when he couldn't speak, couldn't walk, couldn't eat or drink without a feeding tube, and was so confused he was convinced it was 2024.
I miss him so much. I registered his death today and the cause of death listed was sepsis, aspiration pneumonia, squamous cell lung cancer and brain mets. At the end, the right side of his brain was completely filled by tumours, and it affected every function.
He went through terminal aggression at the weekend, where he attacked me - he didn't know what he was doing and I was more distressed at how confused he was than what he was doing, because I know that was the tumours and not him. I lived at the hospital with him for the last week, sleeping on a mattress on the floor at the side of his bed.
I just don't know how I will cope. I can't face going home so I'm staying with my parents. I can't sleep, and I'm not hungry - I ate today but it's given me a bad stomach. I just keep thinking he will walk in and start joking, or put rubbish tv on, or make endless cups of tea. I was with him when he died, i held his hand from when they withdrew treatment until 2 hours after he died (about 8 hours altogether) but i don't know if he knew i was there because he was so heavily sedated. I hate the thought that he's alone at the hospital mortuary, he will be so lonely.
A strange thing happened today though. I made a drink in the coffee machine and am angel appeared in my cup. I think it's him reminding me he's there, he did always say he would haunt me!
Sorry, I'm rambling. I just can't believe he's gone, I love him. I miss him.