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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My darling husband has died

91 replies

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 08/02/2019 02:58

My kind, generous, gorgeous DH passed away on Monday after a short battle with secondary brain cancer. It was harrowing watching him suffering towards the end, when he couldn't speak, couldn't walk, couldn't eat or drink without a feeding tube, and was so confused he was convinced it was 2024.

I miss him so much. I registered his death today and the cause of death listed was sepsis, aspiration pneumonia, squamous cell lung cancer and brain mets. At the end, the right side of his brain was completely filled by tumours, and it affected every function.

He went through terminal aggression at the weekend, where he attacked me - he didn't know what he was doing and I was more distressed at how confused he was than what he was doing, because I know that was the tumours and not him. I lived at the hospital with him for the last week, sleeping on a mattress on the floor at the side of his bed.

I just don't know how I will cope. I can't face going home so I'm staying with my parents. I can't sleep, and I'm not hungry - I ate today but it's given me a bad stomach. I just keep thinking he will walk in and start joking, or put rubbish tv on, or make endless cups of tea. I was with him when he died, i held his hand from when they withdrew treatment until 2 hours after he died (about 8 hours altogether) but i don't know if he knew i was there because he was so heavily sedated. I hate the thought that he's alone at the hospital mortuary, he will be so lonely.

A strange thing happened today though. I made a drink in the coffee machine and am angel appeared in my cup. I think it's him reminding me he's there, he did always say he would haunt me!

Sorry, I'm rambling. I just can't believe he's gone, I love him. I miss him.

OP posts:

UAEMum · 08/02/2019 18:06

Dear Gretchen, I was also following the other post. I am so sorry for your loss. Would it help you to tell us about him? How did you meet? What was it that you found special in him?
I wish you times of peace in the coming days xx

Hellenbach · 08/02/2019 22:36

So sorry you are going through this. Take it one day at a time. Accept all offers of help. You'll think you can't do this but you can.
My DH died in May 2016. I can't remember much about the first year but Mumsnet was a huge support. Some days it all feels like it happened yesterday, but I've come through it. You will too x

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 08/02/2019 23:00

So sorry to hear this Gretchen.

It sounds as if you both loved each other very much, and had a very wonderful relationship.

Original poster

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 09/02/2019 00:20

We first met when I was 17 and had a summer job at the factory he worked at, but he doesn't remember that, i was just a girl in the office being shown round on her first day.

When I was 20, my ex had left me in a load of debt and I needed some extra cash to pay my rent. I got a job from my ex's uncle in the social club he managed, behind the bar. DH was on the committee and in charge of booking the entertainment. I used to chat to him, most of the others in the club thought I was stuck up because I speak a bit posh (went to a private school) but DH and I shared a sense of humour and I liked him, but didn't fancy him at first. He asked me out for a coffee, I thought he meant as friends. We went to the pub near my flat and watched our football team on the tv.

Then he asked me out for the evening, to an Elvis tribute night at the club - he had free tickets and beer tokens, neither of us can stand Elvis!!! That was 20 years ago, I went home with him one night and never really left!

He was so kind, so generous and gentle. He would open the car door for my nan, and put her seatbelt on for her. He loved chick flicks, his favourites were Love Actually, Bridget Jones Diary and Coyote Ugly. He looked dashing in a Panama hat, he was proud of his military background and he gave the best hugs. He was always surprising me with little treats, whether it was a book, some fancy cheese, a new dress or some perfume. He was freckly all over and I used to lie next to him in bed pretending to do dot to dot on his body. He was a wind up merchant but never unkind or cruel with it.

He loved driving, and we went on picnics all the time. He loved Portsmouth and would regularly say on a Thursday or Friday "let's book a hotel and go to Pompey for the weekend". He thought nothing of driving me to the train station at 5.30am for my train to work, even if he hasn't slept much the night before.

I just can't take it in that I will never see him again, never hear his voice, never come home to a cup of tea he's made while I'm on my way home. I love him. I miss him. I can't imagine life without him. We had theatre tickets for March and I don't know what to do with them. I can't face going, it was a show he really wanted to see.

OP posts:

wireswireswires · 09/02/2019 00:53

Oh love. I just can't imagine how you feel. I can't find the words I want to to try and offer you some comfort. But, if it helps, you have a stranger in another country shedding a real tear for you.

Life is so sweet then so cruel. X

echt · 09/02/2019 02:21

So very sorry for your loss, Gretchen

Ditto66 · 09/02/2019 03:31

So sorry @Gretchen and @MrsAitch. I lost my DH 2.5 years ago. Like you I loved my DH dearly and had the privilege of caring for him to the end. He's in my heart every day and always will be.
For now, for a while, all you can do is survive. Deep grief is real pain - emotional and physical. Take one day at a time and take care of basic needs - nutrition, water, exercise and friends. Someone else mentioned widowed and young - it was a lifeline for me too. Hugs to you both. Xx

Robin2323 · 09/02/2019 06:34

He sounds lovely op.
So sorry for your loss.
My dad lost my mum at 43.
(The good die young)

MrsAitch13 · 09/02/2019 18:21

I hope you're ok @Gretchen, these early days are incredibly difficult aren't they?

dontcallmelen · 09/02/2019 18:28

Gretchen I’m so very very sorry for your loss, yy all the wonderful thoughts & advice you have on this thread, once I am truly sorry 💐💐

FrameyMcFrame · 09/02/2019 18:35

The angel was real.

There are things at the edge of our perception that shouldn't be dismissed.

HoveringHobbit · 09/02/2019 18:35

He sounds wonderful and your last post brought tears to my eyes. Take care of yourself

Butteredghost · 10/02/2019 00:41

So sorry for your loss OP. Life isn't fair sometimes.

EstrellaDamn · 10/02/2019 09:29

Hope you're making your way through the weekend as best you can Gretchen.

Your DH sounds just wonderful!

Take it easy on yourself

Wellwhatalovelyday · 10/02/2019 12:26

Practically speaking, if you booked directly with the theatre, give them a call - we were in a similar situation and they were kind enough to refund.

I’m sorry for your loss, I followed your other thread. It seems you had a wonderful relationship - you speak about him so beautifully. Life sucks.

Chasingsquirrels · 10/02/2019 14:28

You have a lifetime of wonderful with him "AndNoneForGretchenWieners", but of course you wanted more.

Are you still at your parents? Hope they are looking after you x

crimsonlake · 10/02/2019 15:40

I am so sorry this has happened, I feel so terribly sad for you and he certainly sounded a wonderful man.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 10/02/2019 19:36

Hi, OP. I just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts today. Sending you strength, courage and comfort during this terribly difficult time,

For you, and some tea

PlinkPlink · 10/02/2019 19:42

Oh Gretchen I've been thinking of you.

I have no doubt he is with you. And I'm sure you'll keep getting little reminders like that.

Sending you so much love and support xxx

YouBumder · 10/02/2019 19:43

I’m so sorry

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 12/02/2019 20:02

Hi Gretchen. Just thinking of you today. Keep posting if it makes you feel better. We're here for you. Sending you warmth and comfort x

Onebrokentoe · 12/02/2019 20:13

I’m so sorry OP. I lost my husband to cancer almost two years ago. I know how terribly difficult it is. Sending you strength.

Original poster

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 13/02/2019 23:24

Thanks everyone for checking in on me, sorry I've not been back before now. I arranged the funeral today, I was shocked at how business like it is - pick a coffin from a catalogue, choose an order of service from a catalogue, choose a scattering tube design from a catalogue... I felt a bit sad at the process as well as the reason.

DSS, DS and me are going out for lunch tomorrow. We've been trying to think of a fitting memorial for him, we are scattering his ashes in his favourite place, as he wanted, which is the other end of the country, but we want somewhere to go more locally to talk to him, like a bench or a tree. We don't want to bury his ashes because he was really against burial, and the only cemetery that accepts cremains locally always gets vandalised and floods.

Has anyone ever dedicated a bench or a tree? Is there anything else that can be done as a positive memorial?

OP posts:

kazwelch · 13/02/2019 23:42

So sorry for you loss.

Twotabbycats · 13/02/2019 23:50

I read some of your previous thread and I'm so sorry to hear your husband has died. I hope you can get a little comfort from the fact that you were with him at the end.

Not the same, but my Dad died a couple of years ago, from a sudden and aggressive cancer. It was such a shock to us all, I felt almost removed from life for a while. The reason I'm mentioning him is that he was buried but we had a bench erected for him in a part of his home village that he loved. It is on national trust ground and there was a problem getting his name on it (as the NT want all benches to be the same, or something like that). I think my mum may arrange for an unofficial plaque. But even if she can't, those who knew and loved him know it is 'his' bench.

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