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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My dad died not long ago and my mum's reaction...puzzled.

93 replies

KatyWhatsit · 10/01/2019 11:37

I am trying to find the right things to say and to understand.

My dad died in his early 90s. They'd been married just short of 70 years.
I am dealing with my loss (and that's another issue- bit fed up with people asking how my mum is, when I've lost a parent, as if I don't matter....)

The issue where I am having to bit me tongue is this.
Their marriage was a mystery to me; they were so different. From the moment dad retired they seemed to live in separate rooms, cook their own meals a lot, and had few common interests. At 70 they had talked of divorcing but decided they couldn't afford to.

When dad became ill and mum was his main carer for 2 years, she looked after him amazingly considering her own age. She was devoted.

But it's as if all the 'downside' of their marriage didn't exist.

She has told people this has been her worst Christmas ever, yet Christmas was always a very tense time with dad around. He rarely bought her anything or put any effort into gifts. She was always upset and moan about that to me. He didn't 'do' Christmas or birthdays, never imo made her feel wanted, and at times was controlling. The list goes on. At one point I was pig in the middle, listening to their grievances about each other.

But now, it's as if all that never happened. She seems to believe the marriage was so happy yet everyone could see it wasn't. I think in their last few years together they knuckled down as they knew there was no escape, but for many years they seemed very distant.

when she talks to me about how she misses him, it seems to removed from the reality of what went on. I keep my mouth shut but I wonder why she's being selective with her memory?

OP posts:

Sarahjconnor · 10/01/2019 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuluJakey1 · 10/01/2019 11:42

How about because she lived with him for 70 years, had children with him, shared a house and routines with him, he was another person daily in her life? She cared for him devotedly for 2 years so must have had feelings for him- and I found with my mum that the period where she was frail and required my care totally changed our relationship and was emotionally very moving and brough us much closer despite us having had trying times in the past. Perhaps this happened with your mum and dad?

Huffleypuff · 10/01/2019 11:44

70 years of companionship is an incredible amount of time. I think it would be impossible to not miss someone even if the relationship wasn’t amazing

RiverTam · 10/01/2019 11:44

whether their marriage was perfect or not they were together for longer than many people are alive. Regardless of how much they did or didn't love each other it must be an absolutely massive loss, I can't even imagine it. Her grief - for him, for her life - must be overwhelming.

HulksPurplePanties · 10/01/2019 11:45

Because they were together 70 years, and acrimonious at times or not, suddenly not having a person you saw/spoke to every day in your life, especially when you're in your 90's, is going to be like suddenly have a massive gaping wound open in your side. She has to focus on the good so she keeps going.

CmdrIvanova · 10/01/2019 11:46

I think its normal. For a long time, my granny talked like my granda was an angel on earth when he was alive. Truth was, he was a hateful violent abusive shit. Its only 20 years on that she can allude to him being less than perfect. Partly, I think, there's an enormous ingrained social pressure to not speak ill of the dead. Part its easier to remember happy times, as remembering the bad times just brings more bitterness.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father.

MazDazzle · 10/01/2019 11:47

I think it’s natural to put people on a pedestal after they die. Were the roles reversed and it was your DM who had died, your DF would possibly do the same.

I lost my Dad and I completely understand how uncomfortable it is when people constantly ask ‘How’s your mum?’. I get that people are trying to show they care, but it’s the most stupid question to ask. 1. It’s none of your business. 2. How the fuck do you think she’s doing?

Above all, it’s as if your grieff and loss are being completely dismissed. To be asked this same question repeatedly is very draining.

PixieCutRegret · 10/01/2019 11:48

My GM was like this last year when my GF died, even though they argued so much. I suppose it's because they were companions for such a long time and had that shared history. I think also his passing has made her think more about her own mortality.

Sorry for your loss OP

ApolloandDaphne · 10/01/2019 11:49

Gosh - she was with him for 70 years. No matter what their relationship was like that has got to leave a gaping hole in her life. There must have been some good times and she is right to dwell on those.

VimFuego101 · 10/01/2019 11:49

I think this is common - I have seen it with both a parent and a grandparent, where the people left behind seemed to forget history.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 10/01/2019 11:49

I could have written this about my own grandmother, except that my grandad died very suddenly in his 80s.

They had a shocker of a marriage: arguing, living very separate lives in retirement, and in their younger years physical fights witnessed (and later refereed) by my Mum and her sibling. They also spoke of divorce just before I was born in the late 70s, but decided it was financially ruinous when they could just ignore each other- and ignore each other they did. For years. They were married 63 years.

Then my Grandad died and you would have thought that they had a fairytale romance. My grandmother immediately rewrote history in a way that was almost laughable. They hated one another but my Gran was talking about this gentle soul of a man who she cherished and waited patiently for by the door when he was out. In reality in their final years they communicated largely by text to let the other one know if they were going to be in/coming back of an evening and whether to put the chain on the door! It wiuld be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic.

Me and my family have talked at length about this over the years (Grandad died almost 10yrs ago) and we’ve concluded it’s a mixture of guilt and regret that makes her tell the story she tells. Guilt that she didn’t love him and he didn’t love her (or at least not properly) and regret for that too. We let her have it and don’t contradict her fantasy stories. But that’s been after a decade and at the start there were some fierce rows. Have you got siblings etc you can talk to about this?

Original poster

KatyWhatsit · 10/01/2019 11:50

I understand all the points in the first few posts.

I am not for a moment minimising how different life is now for her.

And of course I had a dad for over 60 years and, despite his quirks, adored him.

But it's the lack of honesty. Lots of people though he had died years ago - they told her- because she was always out at things on her own, never with him.

It's just the mis-match between how it was and how she seems to wish it had been.

OP posts:

Original poster

KatyWhatsit · 10/01/2019 11:53

@ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName

Thanks! I do have a brother but he's not so good with the emotional stuff and was never party to their respective 'moanings' about each other that I had.

I think my dad really did love her, but he never showed it in the ways she wanted and she would always be disappointed.

OP posts:

MysweetAudrina · 10/01/2019 11:54

Maybe because now that he is gone she is able to remember the good times and that is what she misses. Why sit around remembering the bad times that would only depress you. He was part of her and we all have good and bad parts to us. People give out about their spouses to let of steam and it can be a normal part of some relationships. People miss their abusive exes also and can still remember good times even if the person is still alive. Leave her to it there is nothing to be gained by contradicting her.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/01/2019 11:56

To be honest, when I lost my Dad I was pleased when people showed their care and concern by asking after my Mum.

An no, it's not grief Olympics, but I don't think losing your parent, as an adult, compares to losing your life partner. It was much worse for my mum than me. I think that's pretty usual, and people's sympathies will reflect that.

RiverTam · 10/01/2019 12:03

she is grieving. Stop expecting her to behave in a rational manner.

Snog · 10/01/2019 12:04

Sorry for your loss OP
People deal with their grief in very different ways and this often causes a lot of bad feeling. Just let your mum deal with it her own way and try to be kind to her.

Maybe think about counselling for yourself if you feel you are struggling. I found it very helpful.

Aridane · 10/01/2019 12:04

OP - my mother is exactly the same, remembering / recalling only the (few) good buts.

Used to really irritate me but now I am more to,errant and understand. It's as mysweetaudrina says. Plus if you recall the bad, it makes the marriage seem like you've wasted your life.

Windgate · 10/01/2019 12:07

KatyWhatsit I lost my DSF a few months ago, he and DM had been married for almost 50 years.
He was devoted to her despite her very challenging behaviour. Since his death she has re-written history and paints herself as the perfect, devoted wife. I think it's just to painful for her to admit otherwise.
I wonder if your parents achieved a sort of mutual peace and appreciation of each other in their final years together and she prefers to focus on that?

I understand exactly what you mean about your loss not mattering. It does, you've lost your father who you have known your entire life. I am sorry for your loss.

nojellybabies · 10/01/2019 12:07

It's called the widow's eye view......

sympathies as it means there's no one to help you process stuff you may need to process about the past.

FleetsumNJetsum · 10/01/2019 12:08

My MIL did this. I don't think it is that unusual. Glossed over or rewrote the past, so she could live in her present with fewer regrets. MIL even told me about her and FIL having sex, "right up to the end". Both TMI and creepy, since he died of cancer and was a bedridden skeleton for months.

OP, it is her way to cope. Don't call her out on it.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 10/01/2019 12:09

Also her mind will have gone back to seeing him as he was when she was first attracted to him and they had hopes and plans for a wonderful life together.
That is the person she wanted, when she was moaning about him, and that is who she wants to remember now.

MikeUniformMike · 10/01/2019 12:11

Sorry for your loss Katy.

NoParticularPattern · 10/01/2019 12:12

It’s a perfectly normal reaction to the death of a close loved one to somehow erase all their flaws and think of them much more fondly than you might have if they were still alive. Grief affects us all differently and I don’t think it’s fair to compare your experience with someone else’s. Especially when you and they didn’t have the same relationship to the person who has died. Yes he was your dad and clearly your relationship is close as most father daughter relationships would be. But I don’t think it can be compared to being in a relationship with someone for that length of time- at the end of the day you have no choice who your father is, but you can choose your partner in life.

Anyway my point isn’t about the difference in your relationships, it’s about the fact that I don’t think you can really set your own expectations for how someone else grieves a person whose relationship with them was different to your own. You will have your own way of grieving and clearly your mum has hers, I think you just have to let each other get on with it and stop thinking of any of it as weird. Grief in general is weird and is hopefully not something most people have a lot of experience with so it hits harder or in different ways than you might imagine.

VanGoghsDog · 10/01/2019 12:13

You can miss people you didn't like much. People grieve in different ways.

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