My dad died not long ago and my mum's reaction...puzzled.

[KatyWhatsit]

I am trying to find the right things to say and to understand.

My dad died in his early 90s. They'd been married just short of 70 years.
I am dealing with my loss (and that's another issue- bit fed up with people asking how my mum is, when I've lost a parent, as if I don't matter....)

The issue where I am having to bit me tongue is this.
Their marriage was a mystery to me; they were so different. From the moment dad retired they seemed to live in separate rooms, cook their own meals a lot, and had few common interests. At 70 they had talked of divorcing but decided they couldn't afford to.

When dad became ill and mum was his main carer for 2 years, she looked after him amazingly considering her own age. She was devoted.

But it's as if all the 'downside' of their marriage didn't exist.

She has told people this has been her worst Christmas ever, yet Christmas was always a very tense time with dad around. He rarely bought her anything or put any effort into gifts. She was always upset and moan about that to me. He didn't 'do' Christmas or birthdays, never imo made her feel wanted, and at times was controlling. The list goes on. At one point I was pig in the middle, listening to their grievances about each other.

But now, it's as if all that never happened. She seems to believe the marriage was so happy yet everyone could see it wasn't. I think in their last few years together they knuckled down as they knew there was no escape, but for many years they seemed very distant.

when she talks to me about how she misses him, it seems to removed from the reality of what went on. I keep my mouth shut but I wonder why she's being selective with her memory?

guess that shows that you should be careful what you wish for...!

You can miss something that you are used to even if there are negatives. Her life has changed and she's also lost her purpose (career) so there's a void. 70 years is a very long time even if they lived fairly separate lives (and perhaps in later years things improved)

But it's the lack of honesty.But whose honesty.

I think losing a life partner is much harder on her.Im not saying its not hard for you.But its like comparing apples and oranges.

If this is the way it gets her through,whats the harm.

If this is the way it gets her through,whats the harm.

It's not about the 'harm'.

I posted here simply to say it's hard for me to bite my tongue when my mum is ignoring the downsides of their life.

At no point did I say anything about how she ought not to feel the loss, or that I didn't understand that. I'm quite hurt to be honest at some comments which are a bit patronising and don't seem to understand what I was talking about.

I knew what my dad thought of my mum; we'd have quite open conversations. There is no doubt he loved her or she him, but it wasn't the 'perfect' marriage by a long shot on either side.

It comes down to no more than how I respond to her when she recounts things which are her own version, rather than how it really was.

It puts me in a dilemma because I find it hard to agree. But I am agreeing with her and will carry on doing so, rather than hurt her feelings.

That's all.

I will leave this now and thanks for the comments.

With the greatest respect, you are caught up in your own grieving process. Part of that is anger. Maybe you’re directing that anger towards your DM for whitewashing what you know to be the uncomfortable reality of their marriage.

You are possibly the wrong person to support your DM, is there maybe another family member who could relieve you of this?

Truly sorry for your loss

Not whitewashing is also uncomfortable and fucks up your own grieving process.

You see things as a daughter but after my dad died my mum talked to me as if I was just her friend. Copious amounts of brain bleach needed. Not embarrassing sexual stuff but weird controlling stuff. Like CCTV set up in the house when they had separate rooms because he was convinced that a secret lover was sneaking in when he was asleep.

Grieving is hard.
Whitewashing is uncomfortable.
Not whitewashing is uncomfortable.
This too will pass.

Sorry for your loss.

So sorry about your loss
Life is full of contradictions, sometimes when your relationship has been more dar than light it can make the grief even more painful. My sister didn't have a great relationship with our mother but when she died it was my sister who it hit the hardest. Maybe your mum and dad both had trauma in their youths and that may be why they struggled to always have a positive relationship with each other. It is all so nuanced.

@Myimaginarycathasfleas

I'm sorry but also with respect I am not caught up with my own grieving process. I have spoken to a counselling friend about it as it happens. I am not angry. I'm sorry but I do have some therapy training myself, I know what you mean, but it's misplaced.

There is a back history in the family where my mum has buried bad behaviour of people on her side of the family. I only know of it through my dad . She seems sometimes unwilling to acknowledge some things at a deep level.

I am not here to help her grieve. I've never said I was. I've asked her close friends if she is opening up to them and they say not. I've suggested she might talk to help lines anon if she wants to, I've asked my other siblings how she is with them and if she opens up.

My mil is the same. Her husband died about 3 years ago. When he was alive she moaned about him all the time. They argued constantly, she was always threatening to leave him ( he was 87 ). Now you only have to be in her company 10 minutes and she will be telling you they were perfect together as they got on so well etc. I'm afraid I just now nod, and hopefully she will eventually talk about something else.

I've in a very similar position - my mum died in 2017 and my dad is not reacting how any of us expected.
He and Mum didn't get on at all and I find myself just wanting to yell that I bet he wishes now that he'd been nicer to her when she was still alive....

So I know how you feel.....

I've experienced this twice with family who are bereaved. It must be common. It reminds me of when someone you're angry with gets in an accident and you don't care anymore as long as they're ok. When someone dies it's so final- your perspective is changed. And maybe the death of a parent is natural whereas losing a life partner is a weird loss?

I am sorry for your loss, to have had your father around for so long, and be able to see him through more grown up eyes as a human the loss must be very hard.
I don't mean to sound flippant but her age and the age of her marriage reflect a different time, of endurance and stiff upper lips, where you didn't cry much and just got on with it,.
Her marriage probably didn't seem as bad as others in the context of when it took place.
She probably does feel she loved him and had a good marriage, and that without caring for him she has to redifine her purpose in life and that will take support and creating a new identity
To her that wasn't a lie. It isn't our modern notion of romance but for the times it started in it probably wasn't that bad.

Also it's arrogant to think that only we know the reality of the situation. Each person has a different reality and your version is no more real or false than your mother's version.
Most siblings have a completely different take on their upbringing even though they're all there together.

It comes down to no more than how I respond to her when she recounts things which are her own version, rather than how it really was

It puts me in a dilemma because I find it hard to agree. But I am agreeing with her and will carry on doing so, rather than hurt her feelings

Perhaps you could find a way to listen to her and acknowledge her feelings without thinking that you have to agree with every fact she says.

So if she says “ I miss your dad so much, we always had such great times at Christmas “ .

You don’t need to say “ no mother you are factually incorrect , I distinctly remember you complaining to me about him every Christmas since 1988”.

You could just say “ yes Christmas will be very different without him “ or “ you feel his loss more on these special occasions “ or “ it’s hard to be alone at Christmas “.

You say that you feel she is not being honest. Honestly is generally an important thing but it’s not always the most important thing of all. Sometimes it’s better to choose kindness.

She might be choosing to remember him with love and what you may see as rose tinted spectacles.

That’s her choice. It doesn't mean that you can’t remember him differently or in your own way. There’s no right way to grieve - she has to find her own way just as you must find yours.

I know it’s hard to support someone else in their own loss while dealing with your own. Your sound like a good daughter.

I hope you have someone else ( husband, adult child, friend ) who you can talk to about your own memories of your father. They are just as real and valid as your mothers - but she may not be the best person to share them with.

That a sensitive and honest way of approaching things, wh1spers

I'm sorry about your dad.
I find that people like to have a narrative to their life and so will live and talk to it.
Prior to your dad's death the narrative that your mum found easiest to live to was of disappointment in him and being resigned to being stuck with him it probably made life easier and garnered her a certain level of sympathy and good will.
If she carried on that narrative on his death she may be perceived in a different light so she has taken the opportunity to change the story to a heartbroken widow and is now living that narrative.
It's a self preservation thing - and comes from insecurity - how can I cope, get people to like me, think well of me, continue to give me attention because life has become scary and unfamiliar...
To you it feels fake but the chances are it's quite subconscious for your mum that she is desperately trying to ensure this sympathy and attention.

My df died in march and my "d"m has done exactly all the same. All those screaming drunken rows which marred my childhood, all the broken glass, the toxic silences, watching df almost bleed to death and then having to help clean up the blood, the "tell your father to do x" when he was sat at the same table, the leaving him (and also me)...that all's been forgotten.

She's forgotten screaming "I didn't sign up for this" (him having cancer/being too weak to do things) and then threatening to push me down the stairs when I pointed out her marriage vows said otherwise as well.

But then she's also edited the fact that I organised the funeral, gave a reading and spoke to all the guests whom she ignored despite being 6 months pregnant.

I think I’ve offended you so apologies if that is the case. Of course you know your own feelings and I wasn’t suggesting otherwise. I just meant that it must be very frustrating trying to deal with her version of events when you have such a different perspective, and whilst you are suffering the same loss.