My dad died not long ago and my mum's reaction...puzzled.

[KatyWhatsit]

I am trying to find the right things to say and to understand.

My dad died in his early 90s. They'd been married just short of 70 years.
I am dealing with my loss (and that's another issue- bit fed up with people asking how my mum is, when I've lost a parent, as if I don't matter....)

The issue where I am having to bit me tongue is this.
Their marriage was a mystery to me; they were so different. From the moment dad retired they seemed to live in separate rooms, cook their own meals a lot, and had few common interests. At 70 they had talked of divorcing but decided they couldn't afford to.

When dad became ill and mum was his main carer for 2 years, she looked after him amazingly considering her own age. She was devoted.

But it's as if all the 'downside' of their marriage didn't exist.

She has told people this has been her worst Christmas ever, yet Christmas was always a very tense time with dad around. He rarely bought her anything or put any effort into gifts. She was always upset and moan about that to me. He didn't 'do' Christmas or birthdays, never imo made her feel wanted, and at times was controlling. The list goes on. At one point I was pig in the middle, listening to their grievances about each other.

But now, it's as if all that never happened. She seems to believe the marriage was so happy yet everyone could see it wasn't. I think in their last few years together they knuckled down as they knew there was no escape, but for many years they seemed very distant.

when she talks to me about how she misses him, it seems to removed from the reality of what went on. I keep my mouth shut but I wonder why she's being selective with her memory?

Who wants to remember the downside of their relationship when they lose a life partner?

Let her grieve as she needs to, and make sure you allow yourself to grieve in your way.

I think I would disagree that losing a parent is always worse than losing a partner. I was heartbroken when my own DF died, he really was an angel on earth, but it didn’t change my life.

If I lost my DH after forty years it would be like losing a vital organ.

I think it's more about his own loneliness than missing her per se.

This^

My FIL died two years ago and he and MIL had a very argumentative and combative sort of relationship. He talked non-stop and she's quite quiet and so would escape from the house whenever she could. Since his death though she talks about him as if he was a saint! In life, she frequently showed her frustration with him, called him out for his vanity and obnoxious strong opinions, but now you'd never know that. It is a great white wash, but what else is she going to do? She spent her life with him and to admit that they really weren't very happy would be to admit that she wasted her life. Plus, I think that when you're used to living with someone and have been with them your whole life you do really miss having them around. I see my MIL's life now and it's lonely, just her and her dog and the telly.

Rose tinted glasses plus she's perhaps of an age where she was brought up never to speak ill of the dead.
A relative of mine was abusive but I never talk about it - his sons don't know and I will never mention; he's died now and what is the point on dwelling on it? Better to just share happy memories.

It's selective memory.

My MIL is the same.
Her first husband (DH's dad) died. She told me their marriage was very distant, they never really had a connection and he cheated on her. DH told me that she told him she was going to divorce him, but then he got sick and died.
She said all this when she was with her second husband. Then her and her second husband divorced and the second husband was the worst person ever and her first husband was a totally amazing saint.
Selective memory.

Sorry you lost your Dad OP

I think that our reactions bereavement can be quite complicated.

My friend's mum died recently - she was in her 80s with severe Alzheimer's, so I was expecting my friend to be slightly relieved, but she was absolutely floored by it. My mum had a strained relationship with her own mum, but found her death very difficult. She definitely falls into the category of loving her more now than when she was alive!

I don't think it's a selective memory, maybe more about grief for what their relationship could have been and wasn't?

I'm with the OP on this,having witnessed similar. it just feels like total hypocrisy especially when you've had to bear the brunt of all the moaning as a family member....and asking if OP is a spinster?????? seriously??

it's also worth noting that the OP adored her dad. Maybe her mum doesn't want to sully that by dwelling on her DH's bad points? Trying to focus on the good times?

clooby to be fair, the OP does sound slightly dismissive at the ending of a 70-year relationship. Unempathetic.

"Who wants to remember the downside of their relationship when they lose a life partner?"

I think that that's a good point.

Why not remember things fondly rather than moan about a wasted life?

Things became quite strained for my mum & dad when he retired, but that's not how he remembers it at all.

Sorry I worded that wrongly. I don't mean that he remembers it differently, but he focusses on the happy times & looks back with a smile & happiness.

My husband and I are frequently in different rooms or in the same room but not speaking a word to each other and we don't have much in common at all to be honest.

Our personalities and characters and background / life experiences – everything is completely different but we click perfectly and have always loved being entirely comfortable just at ease and being who we are without having to go out, do this or that and attend parties and BBQ's and shit meals out as a standard thing.

To many people we're the odd couple that can't possibly be happy but we are and some couples bitch and grumble about their other half almost constantly to others but it's not from a lack of love or unhappiness. It's often typical belly-aching and exchanging tales about who has the worst husband or wife but you know it's just that.

In any case even if they weren't the happiest couple on Earth they were together for 70yrs.

Everyone's grief is different as is everyone's marriage.

Loneliness, fear. Even a meh. person is there in an emergency. Living solo after such a long time can be terrifying.

DF insisted that he and DM divorce when they separated for the second time because he 'didn't want her to get any money from him'. When DM died some years later, he then started telling everyone that he was a widower. I was furious. It was the hypocrisy that got me.(DM took no money from the divorce.) I told him so, too, but he didn't want to hear it.

My father dies last year too. Whilst I have lost a parent, I've lost someone who was not physically in my life every day. My mother has lost the person she's spent pretty much every day with for the last umpteen years - longer than I've been alive. I put aside whatever I am feeling to let her deal with that loss in whatever way she needs to.

You can always get another partner, you can never get another blood-parent.

I think that's a horrible thing to say actually. You can't just replace a partner of over 70 years.

I am sorry for your loss, as I say I am there right now too. Be kind to yourself and be kind to your mother. You are both processing differ to sorts of grief in different ways. As long as you both get to peace in the need, the route you take doesn't matter.

We currently have a bereavement we've all been dealing with and I've been pretty shocked at how one family member has been. Grief really does seem to affect people in surprising and unfathomable ways.

I've found it very difficult to understand someone else's grieving but I've come to realise you just have to accept it.

I wouldn't necessarily agree with her, perhaps humour her if you can?

It's just the mis-match between how it was and how she seems to wish it had been isn't it better to rmemeber the happy times though? Though painful, who wants to lose someone they cares deeply for and sit thinking of everything they did wrong?

Either she was exaggerating then, or she's forgotten it all now or he genuinely upset her, pissed her off, angered her. And that was how she felt now, but he was still there, with her. And now he's not and however awful she thought it was when he upset her, it's nothing compared to him not actually being here.
She cared for himm devotedly, even if they were like ships in the night at times he would still have been her white noise, her background scene. And now that's gone after 7 decades. The quiet must be so loud now.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you can find someone to support you. I'd just enjoy remembering the good times for now

@Loughers

LOL no!

I've been married to the same man for almost 35 years.

I am appreciative of the helpful comments and empathy.

I'm not so keen on the critical ones which are at times patronising and seem rather judgy in themselves.

The trouble with threads like this is people can't always tell the whole story without writing a book!

Of course I understand how she feels to an extent.

But the posters who have come along and said I sound judgy- what an odd comment.

I am saying that in a 1-2-1 conversation with my mum when she is talking about dad as if he was the perfect husband, she seems to forget his nasty side where he undermined her, verged on being a bully, was anti-social, and very hard to live with at times.

I can fully understand how marriages are complex- I've been in one for 35 years.

What I am or was talking about was my reaction when my mum behaves with me in this way. It's hard because she ignores the issues they had.

My mum has told me very firmly that she is NOT lonely- she has masses of friends- but of course it is a really big change for her.

And no, to whoever said did I expect her to find another partner?
On the one hand I feel like challenging you as to 'why no?' My mum is still very attractive, even glamorous some would say, for her age and everyone thinks she is only 80. Her friends even joke with her that she is 'young' enough to pair up with a nice old widower.

In reality it won't happen, but it's rather patronising to suggest because someone is old, they may not necessarily find or want a companion if they choose.

This happened to my GPs. After his death my DGM painted her alcoholic abusive DH as a saint with his picture in a prominent place over the mantelpiece.

It is often that dysfunctional relationships with all their ups and downs are literally like a drug habit. The dysfunction becomes addictive and when it's gone, it's like going cold turkey. If you complained at someone for 70 years often projecting your own issues on them and vice versa, when they are gone, often the realisation that you have nobody to offload this onto anymore is pretty crushing. Plus guilt kicks in - was that person really the problem or is the problem really yours and those things you've complained about haven't gone with the person dying?

Sinners become saints after death.
When abusive, bullying FIL died, MIL fell apart and could not cope. Far from seizing her freedom from her abuser, she did not have a clue what to do without him to tell her, and the man became a saint in her eyes, and SILs.
It can be hard to stomach.
I'm sorry you feel so bereft on losing your DF, OP.
Still miss mine after 31 years, over half my lifetime. But it no longer hurts.

if she's only 80 that doesn't add up to them being married for nearly 70 years.

River - the OP said that people THINK her mum is only 80, not that she IS only 80.

I’m sorry about your Dad.

Perhaps some people ask about your mum because they find it easier than directly asking how you’re doing?

I find it really difficult when my parents discuss their relationship issues with me, it’s not ideal of parents to do that, even when DC are adults!

What does it matter? What does it honestly matter?

Thumb - thanks, didn't read that properly, didn't think that added up.

However, my earlier post that the OP refer's to was in response to this comment from her:

I also think the point about which is worse, losing a parent of a spouse, is debatable. You can always get another partner, you can never get another blood-parent.

I'm sorry the OP doesn't like some of the comments. As everyone has said, they are both grieving and every grieves differently, and a child losing a parent is not the same as a spouse losing their lifelong partner, however awful they might be.

My grandad was a cheating fucking stealing bastard, but my nan forgot all that when he died. My dad never showed up to pick my brother up, treated him like unimportant crap, barely ever saw him or spoke to him but when he died my brother forgot all that. What does it matter? It's not hurting anyone, it would be worse if they'd wallowed on all the negative but the deceased remain deceased and nothing will change that, and it rather they retain false happy memories than wallow in negativity. People have different ways to cope, this is just theirs.

My mil died this year and fil has bee going on about how much he misses her, how he can't live without her and it's not the same.

The truth is that they hated each other, lived completely seperate lives, shouted abuse at each other constantly and wished each other dead