Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

And I am sorry for all your losses. I truly am

MegaBat So so sorry you are going through this. I lost my Dad in what sounds like quite similar circumstances in how quickly things escalated to the point of no return. He was admitted to hospital with what was thought to be a bad case of flu and two weeks later he had multiple organ failure and eventually we had to make the call to switch of life support. It has been a real traumatic shock, and like you we communicated multiple times per day. There are no words I can say to comfort you but I am sending you love and strength. My one piece of advice would be to be prepared that it will hit you in waves. One minute I was fine and the next I was howling with pain and anger that this happened. But this is completely normal. Here if you want to chat. I hope you can get a bit of rest before you go back xx

I'm sorry about your dad @Kintan do you ever feel normal?

She's been unwell for years with a whole litany of issues but she's been fine. It's this kidney infection which led to sepsis and then the organ failure etc. They have done everything they could for her

I cannot sleep. I feel ill. My head is like it's in a vice of steel. And she's not even gone yet!

My kids are distraught. We are all very close to her.

I want to feel better as soon as possible. I almost want some sort of date when I'll feel ok by. This is in my nature - I'm just terrible at 'taking one day at a time'

I just can't bear to think I'll be like this in a year. Five years, ten years . I mean, how?!! I've got an amazing husband but Christ I can't just be howling for the next decade? What happens if I do? My youngest is only 12 - and a 'young' 12. I can't be wailing around him all the time. I've got my own business to run - err how?

MegaBat urgh sepsis - that’s what happened with my Dad too. It’s a horrible feeling waiting for the end to happen, knowing there is nothing you can do to stop this happening but not being able to still be hoping against hope for a sudden miracle - you have my every sympathy.
I’m glad you have a supportive family, I am lucky enough to have one too. We lost Dad in December so it’s still very raw, but I do have moments of normality. And I really just make an effort to over-rationalise things and remember how lucky we were to have him for so long, and how lucky we were to have such an awesome Dad who lived a long and happy life and didn’t have a long drawn out end of life being house-bound etc.
But it just really really sucks losing a much loved parent no matter how old you/they are x

I am doing exactly the same. I read a couple of threads recently about women losing their children. About people who have lost their mum or dad in their teens/20s/30s. And I KNOW I'm lucky to have reached 47 and still have her. She's only bloody 69 though and that, to me, doesn't seem old

Thank you for taking the time out to talk to me

I'm sorry it's all still raw for you. It's just awful

69 is no age at all these days, you must be feeling really angry - and that’s ok. Whatever you are feeling from one moment to the next is ok. It’s a cliche, but you just have to ride the waves of emotion until they get you to a point of acceptance (I’m not quite there yet myself though!)xx

Thanks again. I hope you get there as soon as possible and as painlessly as possible. It sounds like you were really close x

So sorry to all of our new posters.
Mega I cant imagine how you are feeling right now. A mixture of emotions I would think.i hope you get to spend as much time with your mum as possible at this worrying and upsetting time.
Kintan it seems you went through a worrying time too. It is all still very new for you, Dec is only a few weeks back. Just get through each day the best you can.
Lepetit I am sure your mum knew that you loved her. It is unfortunate that you couldn't be with her at the end, but maybe she wanted it that way, I have heard of so many people who pass away when there is no-one there. I am sure you are feeling upset, confused and everything possible to feel a terrible the moment. It's a very upsetting time when we first lose someone, and it takes a while to really sink in. I am sorry for your loss
Roxy I am so sorry you didn't get the time you thought you would with yòur mum , I had similar when my mum died. I think this causes such a shock so you have that to cope with as well as the grief.
To all the other recent posters , I am sorry you are here but I hope the thread will help you. There are such lovely posters on here and everyone understands what you are going through. 💐

Thank you for the support that I am getting from this thread from people in sad and similar situations. I'm so sorry for the recent losses. My mother was in a nursing home with Parkinson's for 5 years and sadly we saw her diminish hugely in that time. She slipped away at just 24kg as she could no longer swallow and her organs had shut down one by one. I tried to visit her in the home as much as possible and it was hard at the end as she was unable to talk and was so frail. Before all this she had been a vibrant person and really was reduced to a shadow of her former self. I still can't believe she is gone and I think many of us in this group are in shock as it is really surreal. I can't believe she is there one minute and gone the next. I have waves of sadness, some stronger than others, and find that all sorts of things are triggering off memories. It's bloody hard, isn't it?

Yes Noddy it's absolutely bloody awful and I'm not even there yet. I almost can't stand it

I'm sorry for your loss - hope you're taking time for yourself?

I read a fantastic book called With the End in Mind which came out last year. Made me see death in a different perspective and helped me feel less scared of death as I knew it could come at any time for my mother. Good luck with the wait for your mum.

Hello - I don’t post much but can I try joining this thread ? My mum died just before Christmas (mid December) and we’ve had the funeral at the beginning of January. I seem to be coping ok as long as everything is fairly normal and “easy” - anything out of the ordinary seems to lead me to not coping very well. Latest example - this weather! Am rural here ad it’s hard to get around - things still not thawing, and it’s just too much to cope with.

I have no partner or brothers/sisters and have the property etc to deal with too. I have very good friends but, of course, they all have their lives to deal with.

I suppose I just wanted to post somewhere where others understood- I’m sorry there are so many here 😢

greyhound sorry for your loss That sounds tough, Of course it's all such early days for you and this weather must make you feel isolated. It's good that you have friends around, are there any that can help you on a practical level? Be kind to yourself, don't rush things that you arnt comfortable with yet.
Is there any hurry to sort the property? if not just do it in small bits as an when you feel able.
My dad's clothes and shoes are still in his wardrobe 16 months after his death. His tools are still in the drawer he called his 'handy' drawer in the kitchen. My mum felt she had to remove all his 'stuff' but couldn't bear it, so I said just leave it there mum, there are no rules that you have to get rid of everything that belonged to dad just cos he's not here!
I think it brings her comfort that his clothes and stuff are still in the home.
Stay on this thread, it's been a great help to me x

megabat so sorry what you are going through
We thought my dad, although terminal, had a few more years with us. The Drs spoke of him getting back in his garden with oxygen etc, but he suddenly went down hill one day and I was suddenly at his bedside watching him peacefully slip away.
We were so close, txt a million times a day, shared the same sense of humour and just 'got' each other. I was the first person he told his fears to as he didn't want to upset mum.
I honestly didn't know how I would cope without him, i'd had 50 years with him but wanted more!
Now, 16 months on I still miss him terribly, the 2nd Xmas without him was still horrible but I can talk about him and remember his funny ways without getting upset now.
It's bloody tough and nothing prepares you for the loss of a beloved parent.
But you will cope, you will feel normal again. There is a lot of help out there if you need it via GP, bereavement services etc.
Take each day as it comes. don't be afraid to cry with your family. My son was 19 and it hit him really hard.
My heart goes out to you, it's a horrible time, but treasure those 47 years of memories you have🌷

I've also recently read the book "with the end in mind"
I found it a comfort. I actually work for the NHS and witness deaths but not very frequently and not in the elderly so it's totally different.
And of course it's different again when it's your own loved one.

@MyGuideJools thank you for your kind message - and I'm sorry for your loss too. I hope you're ok

That's what I need - someone to tell me I will feel normal again and happy and as I usually do

@GreyhoundzRool I'm so sorry and sorry you're rural and just a little bit isolated sometimes. Are your friends being a good support to you?

Thanks everyone. Yesterday was surreal. we had to collect her things form the home and it was the strangest and saddest time, as she wasn't there.

I did however, have the best nights sleep I've had for months last night - the stress of wating for that call or just lying awake wondering if she is pain has all gone.

Now to do all the practical stuff. Death certificate, registering, funeral.

@Lepetitpiggy I have to go to the nursing home today and dreading it as her room seems so empty there without her

It's really strange. You will be ok. We just packed everything as quickly as we could and thanked the staff, gave them a card and had a few tears. I just have to believe she is somewhere lovely and happy again.

Reading your back posts - my mum was only 25kg at the end. it was horrific. She was tiny when she went in but this was just unbearable.

Thank you all. Yes friends are a support but, as I say, do have their own lives and families to work around. There is no huge urgency with the property but it will need to be sold as part of the estate as mum lived there alone. So whilst I don’t need to rush too much I can’t put it off forever

I am so very sorry Lepit and Greyhound and wishing you strength in the coming days/weeks/months.

Also Megabat, I’m in a similar situation with my dear dad so can understand your heartache of watching your parent fade each day. It’s just utterly devastating when you have to let go of hope and accept what is happening. I dont feel I will ever be normal again.

@Nankles so sorry you're here too with all this. And that's my biggest fear actually .. will I ever be normal again? Well, as normal as I ever am! But will this ever happen? I feel I need a definitive answer!