Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lost my baby son

80 replies

Georgina125 · 08/07/2018 09:35

Last Monday, I delivered by baby son at just 28 weeks and it was the happiest moment of my life when I heard him cry. They took him to NICU and my husband was allowed to visit whilst I recovered from my spinal block, had a blood transfusion etc. My husband brought back photos and a video and said the doctors were very optimistic.

We were woken in the early hours of the morning to be told we needed to go to NICU immediately. I hoped against hope that there was a chance for our son but when we arrived, they said there was nothing more they could do.

We held him and kissed him and told him we loved him. Then he slipped away as I held him & my husband held his little hand.

We are devastated. They let us stay with our baby for several days and we used the time to make memories, have cuddles etc. Now we are back home and visit him every day but this will stop once he is buried.

We feel so lost and hopeless. We want counselling to help us through this as a couple but the waiting list is huge.

OP posts:
PanannyPanoo · 08/07/2018 09:40

I am so so sorry for the loss of your litttle boy. Would you like to tell us about him? What have you called him? Who does he look like?
He had such a short life. Just by posting here he will touch so many people and make a difference to other people's lifes.

The overwhelming sadness that you feel is impossible to comprehend. I am so very sorry that you are having to live through this. Get through each moment the best way you can is the only advice I can give. Sending love and strength and comfort.

Original poster
Georgina125 · 08/07/2018 09:43

From my point of view, I have huge regrets. My son was a big kicker and puncher in the womb. He was happy to stay in and likely would have survived if he had been able to. But I had placenta previa and for 10 days before the c-section, I was bleeding on and off. My waters then broke. The final straw was the acceleration of blood loss which the doctors said could no longer continue. I feel as if my welfare was put ahead of my poor son's and I can't forgive myself.

And I worry that my husband will never really forget either. In the immediate seconds after our son's death, he couldn't look at me and although he assures me he doesn't believe it was my fault & it was just a dark moment for him, I worry deep down that those thoughts will remain with him and eventually I will lose him too.

I guess I just need to get everything out. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
AndInOtherNews · 08/07/2018 09:47

Im so very sorry for your loss 💙

Original poster
Georgina125 · 08/07/2018 09:48

PanannyPanoo- thanks so much for your reply. His name was Robert. He looked very much like his Daddy, but has my hair. He was utterly gorgeous, of course I am biased. Everything about him was amazing.

I only saw him briefly alive- once when he was carried past me during the c section and once when he was passing away. But I felt like I knew him straight away.

OP posts:
Ishouldntbesolucky · 08/07/2018 09:48

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

Please please don't blame yourself. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm sure your husband doesn't blame you either. I imagine he couldn't look at you, because you are the one person in this world who totally shares his pain and grief. It hard to see someone we love suffering.

Take care of yourself Flowers

Carecomplet · 08/07/2018 09:51

Hi OP, I am so sorry for your loss Flowers Life can be so cruel sometimes. Please do try to forgive yourself - not that I think you need to.
That is very hard regarding the reaction of your husband. Please try and accept his assurances. The loss of a little one is probably the hardest thing a couple can go through, I think. And I imagine that it will take time to get back to a sense of normalcy.
Have you signed up for counselling? Even if the waiting list is long it might be worth signing up for it. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts. Xx

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 08/07/2018 09:51

So sorry for your devastating loss Thanks

Mayhemmumma · 08/07/2018 09:52

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Tell your DH your fears and grieve together.

RideSallyRide76 · 08/07/2018 09:56

So sorry for your loss Thanks

IknowIWBUbut · 08/07/2018 10:08

I am so sorry for your loss OP, truly I am. One thing that comforted me and I feel is very true is "all your baby has known is love".

Flowers

You are going to have fleeting thoughts of guilt but you absolutely must put this aside. It was out of your hands OP. And your partner does not hold you responsible at all. This is such a traumatic and emotional thing to happen and everyone deals with it in their own way. Perhaps he felt to weak to look you in the eyes. You are both vunerable, weak and raw right now. Don't overthink things. Just be there for each other. I'm thinking of you Flowers

Original poster
Georgina125 · 08/07/2018 10:11

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I woke up so overwhelmed this morning and just needed to talk.

We have signed up for counselling but whilst we wait, we are going to try to find something else through our work Employee Assistance Programmes, which might be quicker. We have also agreed to be very honest and open with each other and share everything. We have set ourselves small goals and don't look further ahead than our son's service.

Neither of us are religious and my husband is currently very anti-God (understandably). The way I've decided to think of it is that the soul cannot be destroyed. As a scientist, I know that nothing can be created or destroyed, just converted and changed. I also know that there are some experiments which show that the body loses a small amount of weight upon death which no one can explain- some think this is the soul. The combination of these 2 things lead me to the belief that Robert has a soul out there somewhere. My husband says he likes my reasoning but I am not sure he fully believes it.

OP posts:
itscaaaaaminhome · 08/07/2018 10:11

Flowers you deserved to have your little baby. You don’t deserve this. Nothing is your fault. I am so sorry.

Moonkissedlegs · 08/07/2018 10:16

Oh, I couldn't read this and not stop and say I am so sorry. It is true what the poster upthread said that all Robert ever knew was love xxx

tenbob · 08/07/2018 10:19

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

When I lost my son, I took comfort in knowing that even after they are born, some of the baby's DNA remains in your bloodstream forever

So you will always have Robert with you...

If there is a wait for the counselling service, you might want to also get in touch with the charity SANDS

Original poster
Georgina125 · 08/07/2018 10:21

Oh tenbob, I didn't know that about the DNA. That is such a lovely thought.

OP posts:
FoxAndBear · 08/07/2018 10:27

I'm so sorry for your loss, you did nothing wrong and I hope you will be able to realise this in time and rid yourself of guilt.

Robert sounds beautiful, and is lucky to have such a wonderful mummy to remember and honour him forever xxx

Ourday · 08/07/2018 10:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

angelopal · 08/07/2018 10:28

So sorry for your lost. I lost my first at 4 days old. It's been 5 years and I still miss her. But it does get easier in time though it will feel hard to believe it just now.

SANDS are really good. I didn't speak to anyone in person but used the forums. It really helped to know there were people in the same situation and knew how I felt.

Take care and just take one day at a time.

ajandjjmum · 08/07/2018 10:32

So sorry for the loss of your Robert. Flowers

Frazzled2207 · 08/07/2018 10:35

I'm so sorry for your loss.
You did absolutely nothing wrong at all, only the best for your little boy.

Savvyandchips · 08/07/2018 10:42

So very sorry to hear about your beautiful son. I hope you can get some counselling sorted asap. I've no experience of them but as others have suggested Sands are meant to be brilliant. Take care xx

TheMonkeyMummy · 08/07/2018 11:34

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Robert. As others have said, please contact Sands. And hold your husbands hand. Thanks

Original poster
Georgina125 · 12/07/2018 00:39

It has been over a week now and I have been very bad the last 2 days. Crying constantly and worrying my husband. He hates me saying that it is not right that I am here when Robert is not. I've told him I would never do anything stupid but he is still worried. I know it is not fair that he has this burden on top of everything else. I think my deterioration is because the date of the service should be set soon, then we will no longer be able to visit and hold our son. I can't imagine not being able to hold and kiss him. I can't imagine just going back to work and moving on. No longer a mother.

OP posts:
Namechangefailagain · 12/07/2018 01:03

I am so sorry for your loss.
Im just about to start councelling after losing my daughter at 20+2, 14 weeks ago.

Have you been in contact with SANDS? I contacted them and have joined some online support groups. It has helped me to be able to talk to others who understand.

honeybeeq · 12/07/2018 01:06

@Georgina125 you are and always will be a mum. I lost a baby at 23 weeks 2 years ago, she made me a mum. I may never have any more children but I am still her Mum. I'm
So so sorry for your loss. There is no rush for you to go back to work.

I gained a lot of support from Tommy's and a couple of bloggers I found on Instagram (I know but it made me feel like I wasn't alone). Be kind to yourself xx

Swipe left for the next trending thread