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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Lost my baby son

80 replies

Georgina125 · 08/07/2018 09:35

Last Monday, I delivered by baby son at just 28 weeks and it was the happiest moment of my life when I heard him cry. They took him to NICU and my husband was allowed to visit whilst I recovered from my spinal block, had a blood transfusion etc. My husband brought back photos and a video and said the doctors were very optimistic.

We were woken in the early hours of the morning to be told we needed to go to NICU immediately. I hoped against hope that there was a chance for our son but when we arrived, they said there was nothing more they could do.

We held him and kissed him and told him we loved him. Then he slipped away as I held him & my husband held his little hand.

We are devastated. They let us stay with our baby for several days and we used the time to make memories, have cuddles etc. Now we are back home and visit him every day but this will stop once he is buried.

We feel so lost and hopeless. We want counselling to help us through this as a couple but the waiting list is huge.

OP posts:

WhistlerGrey · 12/07/2018 01:10

I am so desperately sorry for the loss of your dearest son. You will always be Roberts mummy. Nothing can ever change that.

Arum51 · 12/07/2018 01:14

I am so sorry to hear about Robert. My son, Peter, was also born at 28 weeks. He lived for a week. Please understand that you will always be Robert's mother. As long as you are alive, a part of him is alive, too. I know you said that you have no religious faith, but maybe general thoughts can help? At Peter's funeral, our priest pointed out that it was a bit like having a child move to Australia. You can't see him, but he's still there. But he can still see you. Our priest said "He's there, chatting to friends and family, saying Yaaaay! Look at my mum! Look at what she just did!" He's rooting for you, because he loves you. *

I'm sorry, but this is a long road ahead of you. It is not easy. One thing that I need to say is that you and your husband have to be kind to each other. Grief is a very, very individual thing. There will be days when you are feeling not-awful, but he is feeling awful, and vice versa. At least at first, the not-awful times are rare, and you can feel really angry sometimes that the person feeling awful is stealing your brief moments of not-awful with their grief. So be kind, because tomorrow, the situation may be reversed.

And I add my recommendation for SANDS. They can give you all sorts of other help and advice, all of which you will need. Like i said, it's a hard road

* Did a whole thing about the Catholic view here, re being chosen for greatness, which I, as a Catholic, found very helpful, but then realised might be inappropriate for you xxx

Apileofballyhoo · 12/07/2018 01:19

I also believe in your science soul theory as energy cannot be created or destroyed, only changed. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are a mother now and forever.

YummySushi · 12/07/2018 01:22

This made me cry.. hugs to you op

Graphista · 12/07/2018 01:23

I am so very sorry for your loss. Pp is right - all your boy ever knew was love. Thats so very clear in how you write.

"I think my deterioration is because the date of the service should be set soon" that may be true but also might be hormones playing silly buggers.,

Is it an nhs counselling waiting list you're on?

Adding another recommendation to contact sands, I've (sadly) a few friends who've been supported by them.

Haudyerwheesht · 12/07/2018 01:28

OP I’m so sorry about the loss of Robert. So unfair and cruel. NONE of this is even remotely your fault, you are and always will be his mummy. You love him just like any other mother loves their child, love is what makes a mummy.

Itscurtainsforyou · 12/07/2018 01:55

Op - I am so very sorry.

Fwiw - I found the first week or two was the worst. I completely hit rock bottom, the worst I've ever felt. So please know you're not alone and what your feeling is completely normal.

You need an outlet for your grief, be that SANDS (I can recommend them), here or any other forum or friends.

It wasn't your fault, sometimes awful things happen and we have no control over it. Will you have a post mortem? Or a chat with the Drs? This may help to explain to you both what happened.

Letting go before the funeral is incredibly hard, I remember holding a tiny coffin and had to hand it to the burial staff and didn't want to let go. But you can do this.

Sending you lots of love

Bowerbird5 · 12/07/2018 01:58

I am so sorry for your loss. My sister lived for a week when I was three and I have never got over it as my mum didn't. We put her name on mum's gravestone along with ours ( her other children) as we always felt she was with us.

My internet friend ( for years) can be contacted through Loving Hands. She makes burial gowns and beautiful woven baskets to lay babies in. Do have a look as you may like to use one. She learnt to weave years ago and decided to start making them. I think you can also order them through Sands too. I know it doesn't take her long to make one but I think there are usually some in stock. She makes little bears too. Identical one for baby and one for you to keep. Just a thought. My prayers are with you.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/07/2018 02:15

Please contact SANDS. They can be invaluable support.

Keep talking on here if it helps you too.

I'm so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Of course he was a truly gorgeous boy, he was and always be your boy.

It's such early days for you and your hisband, it's so easy to say or do the wrong thing when you are in the middle of such heartbreak. Don't put too much weight on things people say at a time like this.

Thinking of you both

Original poster

Georgina125 · 12/07/2018 07:48

Thanks again everyone. We are on the waiting list for NHS counselling but it seems like it is heavily oversubscribed. I have the SANDS app so I will try to use it more. I think that I might just pay for us to have a few counselling sessions soon, just to guide us through the initial month or so. I want my husband and I to get through this together, I can't lose him as well.

We have had lockets engraved with Robert's name and my husband has had cufflinks made. I want to put up his photos on the wall and look at his hand prints. Maybe these things will help.

OP posts:

SaltySeaBird · 12/07/2018 07:56

Your post has made me cry I can’t imagine the heartbreak you are going through. You are and always will be a Mother now

Original poster

Georgina125 · 16/07/2018 09:05

On Thursday, Our son will be laid to rest. I am dreading it. Feeling terrible at the moment. We had been visiting our son every day since my discharge from hospital and before that he was left with us in a cold cot whilst I recovered from the c-section. Yesterday, we went and his deterioration was just awful. It upset both of us. I held him and talked to him for an hour. My husband held him for a bit and then couldn't stand it any more so after a last kiss and cuddle we left him to rest for the last time. No more kisses or cuddles now.

Every day feels so impossible. Especially now we won't be visiting (We don't want to remember him like that). I am so desperate to believe he is our there somewhere looking over us and knows he is loves but I don't know.

How can a parent survive this?

OP posts:

tenbob · 16/07/2018 09:28

My heart breaks for you and I wish I had something to say to make it all better.

I will be thinking of you all on Thursday and hope it gives you some peace to know he at rest

If you haven't already, please get in touch with SANDS
They were such a source of help and comfort to me after I lost my son, and helped me start my healing process

I'll keep checking this thread so you've got an audience if you need to keep writing

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/07/2018 09:35

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did nothing wrong. Could you reach out to a church or support group while waiting for counselling? I'm sure there are support groups out there for you and please seek help esp if your feeling that low.
Xx

Ourday · 16/07/2018 09:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

Original poster

Georgina125 · 16/07/2018 09:57

I have written to SANDS and still pursuing counselling. I feel like I am getting worse over time, not better. I am trying lots of things to try to help myself- I talk to Robert when I am alone, I stroke his bear, I an going to start writing a diary which will be addressed to him. Nothing seems to work.

OP posts:

Wallabyone · 16/07/2018 10:16

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you strength and love on Thursday xxx

Ourday · 19/07/2018 10:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

22jasmine · 19/07/2018 10:51

I am extremely sorry for you loss. even though I am only 14. my mum was on drugs with 4 of my youngest siblings, and they now have ADHD and eye problems. keep up hope

22jasmine · 19/07/2018 10:53

stay strong and don't give up hope, accept help from family and friends, the love u

concretesieve · 19/07/2018 10:56

So sorry for your loss - thinking of you today

Bellends · 19/07/2018 11:14

Thinking of you and your husband today, Georgina. He'll have a whole lot of others to play with up there won't he, taken too soon.
One of my friends lost her baby girl at 37 weeks. She went on to have a son at the same time as I had my daughter. That's how we got to know each other. She hadn't forgotten Rowena but she had begun to heal. She could see the joy in each day.

You will get there, it will just take time. Don't expect yourself to have good days yet. And if you do and come crashing down the next day, that is fine too.

I too am a scientist who believes in the equilibrium of energy. I feel there is something else too.

Original poster

Georgina125 · 19/07/2018 19:55

Today was awful as expected. My husband carried the coffin and it almost broke him but he wanted to hold his son one last time. I gave a eulogy to my son and hoped he could somehow hear me. I hugged and kissed the coffin before they took Robert for burial. I was convinced I could never leave but then spotted a lovely white butterfly in the baby garden. I've seen them a few times in the last few days and hope they are a sign from my son. After we got home, i saw so many white butterflies- I swear we have never had so many. I also found a small white feather sitting on the memorial rose we planted for Robert. I so wish these are signs from my son.

We are drying some of the flowers from the funeral and are going to try to go out for lunch tomorrow. Right now I feel weird- still sad but not nauseous like I have been. I am waiting for that horrible feeling to return .

OP posts:

Original poster

Georgina125 · 19/07/2018 19:55

Thank you all for your good wishes and for remembering us today.

OP posts:

toomanysmallpeoplecallmemom · 19/07/2018 20:12

I am so sorry for your loss of beautiful Robert, I was thinking of you today- I'm sure many others were too

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