Lost my baby son

[Georgina125]

Last Monday, I delivered by baby son at just 28 weeks and it was the happiest moment of my life when I heard him cry. They took him to NICU and my husband was allowed to visit whilst I recovered from my spinal block, had a blood transfusion etc. My husband brought back photos and a video and said the doctors were very optimistic.

We were woken in the early hours of the morning to be told we needed to go to NICU immediately. I hoped against hope that there was a chance for our son but when we arrived, they said there was nothing more they could do.

We held him and kissed him and told him we loved him. Then he slipped away as I held him & my husband held his little hand.

We are devastated. They let us stay with our baby for several days and we used the time to make memories, have cuddles etc. Now we are back home and visit him every day but this will stop once he is buried.

We feel so lost and hopeless. We want counselling to help us through this as a couple but the waiting list is huge.

I am so sorry for your loss BeyondHope. We think his symbol is white butterflies and I am seeing them everywhere.

I talk a lot to everyone and it goes around in circles. I just get to a point where I can do some housework/plan Robert's memory garden, then i remember he is gone forever and it all seems so pointless. I question everything I did after he died- did I hold him enough, kiss him enough, bury him with the right things. Did I bury him in the right place? Due to my surgery, I didn't see him until he died- did it feel me hold him, did he know I was his Mum, did he hear me, did he know how much I love him, did he love me back? So many questions and a horrible voice in my head telling me I didn't do enough for my son, he didn't know me and didn't love me.

That’s all normal Georgina and please know that you did everything you could at the time. You were here for him when he died and for so so much time afterwards. And of course he would have known you were his mum. You were all he knew. Your smell, your heartbeat. At 28 weeks he would have recognised that. You will constantly question yourself over everything because you cannot go back and change it. Your little boy was so loved and will continue to be your whole life. Take each day as it comes.

Just to add to the above, research shows that newborn babies do recognise their mother's voice, from hearing it in the womb. So Robert would definitely have known your voice and therefore he would have known that you are his Mum.

Today we went to see Robert and I brought his large Dumbo soft toy (we buried him with 4 of his teddies and kept the rest). We were crying by his grave side and I saw a dark feather fell out of a nearby tree. I picked it up and put it in Dumbo's hat. I want to believe it is Robert trying to help Dumbo fly.

Oh Georgina, the post before your last one breaks my heart. You held him for 9 months, closer than the closest hug, he heard your voice every day of his life, he shared your heartbeat and your hormones, when you felt happiness he did too. All that was real, and it was all he knew. He spent his whole life knowing your love, and if we can love anything before we have the words to know what it means, he loved you and only you. Please don't do that to yourself.

I can't imagine what you're suffering, and I can't say anything to make it go away. But please please don't think you weren't there for your son. You were everything to him. So much love and sympathy to you xx