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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lost my baby son

80 replies

Georgina125 · 08/07/2018 09:35

Last Monday, I delivered by baby son at just 28 weeks and it was the happiest moment of my life when I heard him cry. They took him to NICU and my husband was allowed to visit whilst I recovered from my spinal block, had a blood transfusion etc. My husband brought back photos and a video and said the doctors were very optimistic.

We were woken in the early hours of the morning to be told we needed to go to NICU immediately. I hoped against hope that there was a chance for our son but when we arrived, they said there was nothing more they could do.

We held him and kissed him and told him we loved him. Then he slipped away as I held him & my husband held his little hand.

We are devastated. They let us stay with our baby for several days and we used the time to make memories, have cuddles etc. Now we are back home and visit him every day but this will stop once he is buried.

We feel so lost and hopeless. We want counselling to help us through this as a couple but the waiting list is huge.

OP posts:
littlecabbage · 19/07/2018 20:27

Hi Georgina,

I am so sorry to read about the loss of your son, Robert. The pain behind your words is all too evident. Well done for making it through today, such a difficult thing for anyone to have to go through.

I hope that the pain becomes less raw in time, and that you are able to feel happiness again when you think of Robert Flowers

WaitrosePigeon · 19/07/2018 20:33

I am sending strength and love to you and your husband, and beautiful Robert. Much love to you xxxx

GoodStuffAnnie · 19/07/2018 20:44

My heart breaks for your family and your beautiful boy. Beautiful Robert. I'm so sorry. xxx

GoodStuffAnnie · 19/07/2018 20:57

The feather and the butterflies were a sign from Robert.

None of us know anything. 100 years from now cancer won't exist and 500 years ago we though the earth was flat. Just because we don't know things yet, doesn't mean they arn't real or true.

You are connected to your son forever. Your baby and you are children of the universe. There is so much love for you on this thread. xxxx

Tumon · 19/07/2018 21:07

Georgina, you will ALWAYS be a mother. Your love for him will be there forever and ever. although you won’t be able to see him every day his soul will still be here with you. You two created this gorgeous little baby boy named Robert and nothing will change that. I’m so sorry for your loss. This is not fair xxx

readyforapummelling · 19/07/2018 22:32

Sending you and your family the biggest hugs, I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful Robert, I truly believe our loved ones are never far away, I lost someone I hold dear quite recently and I still chat to them in my mind, it really helps ThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
Georgina125 · 20/07/2018 11:34

I am very very down today. I am scaring myself with how awful I feel. I have been obsessed with whether I held Robert enough, kissed him enough, told him I loved him enough. I try to remember the feel of him in my arms, how he felt to kiss etc but I worry it is slipping away. My husband worries about the signs I claim to see because he thinks I will suffer when I don't see them (e.g. no butterflies in winter).

I feel so selfish, wallowing like this and worrying about myself when this time is about Robert.

OP posts:
Readyfortheschoolhols · 20/07/2018 11:44

Could you plant some snowdrops for during the winter months? As beautiful as butterflies imo.

So sorry for your loss.

elephantfan · 20/07/2018 11:45

Georgina I am so sorry for your loss.
I have a special corner in my home for my son's photograph, his ashes, the sympathy cards and letters, his memory book and funeral service.
I have some of the flowers from his funeral and lots of mementos.
It helps to have those things in one place so I can go and look at them.
I am nearly 2 years on.
The pain never leaves you but gradually you begin to manage day to day life again.
Flowers

Misst83 · 20/07/2018 11:52

Oh Georgina, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy.

You are going to feel awful unfortunately, it will just be a case of taking each day as it comes. Make sure you have your DH, family and friends around to talk to and look after you.

I'm sure you gave him all the hugs and kisses you possibly could. And you may feel like you are forgetting at the moment but I'm sure you will look back and remember your short precious time together.

I can't really offer any other advice apart from, please don't feel selfish for worrying about yourself, you are understanding suffering. Sending you lots of love. Xx

GoodStuffAnnie · 20/07/2018 12:59

Oh lovely mummy don't analyse whether what you are thinking or saying is helpful or not helpful. Just think it. Just say it. Let it wash all over you. Everything is right. Your brain is doing exactly what it needs to do.

I am thinking of baby Robert today.

Please keep posting. xxx

Ourday · 20/07/2018 15:58

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

Ginger1982 · 20/07/2018 16:18

You need to remember this is all so raw for you. It is natural to feel the way you do right now. As time passes it will hopefully get a little bit easier. Just know you did all you could for Robert Thanks

whattimeislove · 20/07/2018 19:02

This is all normal. But if you feel so bad that you're scared what you may do, call 111/go to your GP or to A&E if surgery is closed. I had to do this a few weeks after, they gave me some drugs to take the edge off and an appt for more/different drugs as soon as the gp opened again.

It's such a tragic devastating time - I'm so sorry.

GlitteryFluff · 20/07/2018 19:08

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks
RIP Robert xxx

Original poster
Georgina125 · 20/07/2018 20:19

I have found a private counsellor if we can't get anything else.

I have cried on and off all day but right now am calm. I have arranged some of his teddies so I can see them and looked at some of his photos. It is strange how calm I feel. Maybe I am all cried out.

OP posts:
pinkchampagne1 · 20/07/2018 20:25

I am so sorry to hear you lost your beautiful baby boy. Flowers

CocoaGin70 · 20/07/2018 20:32

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers. I lost my darling son at 26 weeks. Looking back, I don't even know how I survived it. The pain was awful, and it just went on and on and on............ days became weeks became months. Yet life carried on.... and bit by bit I found things to smile at. Then I'd feel guilty. It's a vicious cycle.

Please please know that how you're feeling is completely normal . There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is only your way. I found counselling didn't help me at all - if anything, it made it worse and I tried a few times over the years. What helps is having his photo by my bed - he's my first and last thought of every day, that helps keep him closer. You'll never get over this, but you'll find a way of living with it Flowers.

Original poster
Georgina125 · 20/07/2018 22:17

It's weird. I feel so awful one second, then i will get distracted and smile at something- then feel guilty because it is still such early days, how can I smile? The bereavement midwife says it is because the brain can't cope with the crushing sadness 24/7 so has to give you a break. Even when I think I am doing well, the tears are not far away. Earlier I was distracting myself with internet nonsense and I was feeling more stable. Then my husband spotted one of our son's bears on the bookshelf and started crying, then i cried and we were a miserable mess again.

OP posts:
littlecabbage · 20/07/2018 22:43

From my own experience of bereavement (not a child, so I don't claim to know exactly how you feel), I think the "waves" of crippling sadness interspersed with periods of calm and even detachment, are completely normal.

I think distracting yourself sometimes to give yourself a break, then allowing yourself to feel the all-consuming sadness at other times is how you start learning to live with your loss.

I am just so sorry that you have lost your beautiful boy xx

Original poster
Georgina125 · 23/07/2018 09:27

Last night I dreamt of my son. I was at the hospital and holding him. He suddenly woke up and grabbed me really tightly. I was so happy to see him but so sad because, even in the dream, I knew it wasn't real. I hope it was him paying me a visit.

OP posts:
littlecabbage · 23/07/2018 09:50

That’s good that you dream of him. Not everyone can dream of who they lost for some reason, but I dream of the person I lost sometimes, and find it comforting. I’m sure Robert will continue to visit you in your dreams now.

Ourday · 23/07/2018 13:11

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

Nogodsnomasters · 23/07/2018 13:37

I just wanted to say that i am so sorry for your loss. I have lost many people in life (parent, sibling etc) but it cannot compare to losing your child. Waves of grief are normal, all you can do is try to survive each wave crashing over you and reach out for your husbands hand each time one is coming. You are 100% a mother and always will be, the only mother Robert ever had and knew xx

BeyondHope · 26/07/2018 00:43

Georgina I just wanted to see reach out to you and say you aren’t alone and I am thinking of you. I lost my baby boy just after Christmas last year and although the pain and the grief is still there for me it’s not as desperate and all consuming as it was in those early months.

Keep talking to your husband and your family and friends about Robert and find a way to remember him by. When my son was born we wrapped him in a blanket with elephants on. That is now his “symbol” and I have some lovely jewellery with elephants on and various elephant figures about our home. I find this helps me.

You will get through this. I didn’t think I would but slowly I am. I’m here if you ever want to talk.