termination at 20 weeks due to multiple defects after 2 m/c

[poppy34]

sorry completely at a loss as scan yesterday showed multiple defects (there was almost no fluid in the sac which showed up in fact no kidneys could be seen, underdeveloped lungs, heart defects and other development issues). Both consultants I saw agreed taht prognosis was poor (if the baby survived to be born its life expectancy was limited). So dh and I decided to terminate to avoid prolonged suffering to the baby (and I am not sure how I would cope waiting to see what happens knowing the prognosis).

This is my third m/c (if you can call it that) after 2 last year where was left than 8 weeks. They're going to do tests afterwards to see if issue genetic etc. However my whole experience of pregnancy is one of fear/worry (3 m/c, not the best time trying to get antenatal care with over booked local health authority) that although I desperately want a baby (we've been ttc for nearly 2 years) , I am not sure I can go through another m/c or similar again

Also struggling to coep with how other people will react - felt very superstitious telling anyone this time anyway and find it very hard to cope with anyone but dh reactions. Does this get easier?

I am in total shock at the moment. Can anyone offer any advice/experiences on just geting through this week as I am now quite nervous about the whole medical termination procedure. I don't think it is the wrong thing to do but I'm frightened about what to expect (is there a lot of blood loss, what kind of pain relief shoudl I expect).

Sorry above very rambling but just helps to type it and also to know others out there have got through this..

Hi Poppy

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that I lost a baby in very similar circumstances at the beginning of March, (multiple heart defects at 21 weeks) and I wanted to let you know that I felt very similar to you afterwards in that I didn't feel the need to contact ARC. I went back to work after 4 weeks which was about right - horrible going back and very wobbly on the first day, but better after that. There is also somebody at work who is 7 weeks behind where I would have been, and the first time I saw her I kept up appearances, but had to go off for a cry afterwards, but it's amazing what you can survive if you need to. Like a lot of the people here I had a real low at about 6 weeks, which shocked me as I thought I was on an continuously upwards slope, but of course it doesn't work like that. I did then contact ARC and got their support pack, but I haven't yet done anything beyond that.

For me the most helpful thing has been finding out how many other people have been through the same thing, which just made such a difference in the early dark days.

It's 2 months ago now for me, and it is definitely getting better. Less of that gut-wrenching feeling of loss, deadweight in the middle of my chest, more looking forward and able to think with love about the baby we lost without bursting into tears.

Anyway, sorry so long, just wanted you to know you're not alone, it does get better and work will be OK. If there is anything else I can share that would help, do just ask.

Thanks everyone - have been in touch with a few people via text/email at work and they've been very supportive (also fact my dh works at same place means I don't feel quite so disconnected from work). The acid test is when I feel I can put up with banter of office work/difficult clients (I work in quite a high pressure team which usually I love but I need to accept that I have to get back to my normal degree of robustness to function).

London bird have very similar thing to face when I get back in that one of the juniors on our team is currently about 14 weeks pregnant.

And you're absolutley right - it has helped me most to know otheres have been through this and talking to them about it.

Hi Poppy

I felt like you and Londonbird, that knowing others had been through the same thing was helpful. That's why I personally found the sands forum the most help, especially as there is a specific site for those in our situation. I didn't actually post much, I didn't really like talking about it to begin with, but took great comfort in the support there. Thinking back, I felt very embarrassed talking to people who had not been in the same situation, this seems strange now. I posted more on their ttc section afterwards - ttc after loss is a different set of anxieties again, and everyone on that site shared those anxieties.

Hang on in there, be kind to yourself, it is very early days for you and your dh.

thanks lizyjane - just plucked up courage to sign in to SANDS and you're right that does feel better to know I'm not alone.

Still thinking of you--RL a bit hectic...

Glad you contacted SANDS. Keep talking. Be kind to yourselves. how is your DH holding up?

not too bad - he has been incredibly strong so don't know what I'd do without him. Got all clear from midwife physically to go away for weekend - really looking forward to it as its our first wedding anniversary

I am glad that your DH is coping as well as possible. A week-end away sounds fabulous.

I hope that you continue to feel better physically and emotionally.

hi cadmum weekend away was good (despite starting it in very low mood)-even managed not to feel too bad when saw babies etc aroudn the place.

Now I"m back and trying to think of strategies to ease back into everything (DH back at work now). I don't want to leave it too long but am feeling very vulnerable.

Any tips on stuff that helped others get back into it? I'm arranging some bereavement counselling

I too am going through something similar. After a previous m/c, we discovered we were pregnant again. Even being as careful as to not tell anyone before the first trimester was over. Nearing the end of the thirteen weeks I started bleeding which was diagnosed as a placental abrubtion. The doctor told me that I could bleed the whole pregnancy but the baby was fine and growing right on schedule.We had subsequent sonagrams every two weeks reassuring us that the baby was ok. The bleeding stopped around sixteen weeks and I finally began to think that maybe things were finally working out. At eighteen weeks my water broke. This resulted in antibiotics and hospital stay. Even with no fluid the baby still showed no signs of trouble. We then were given the option to terminate or to wait to see if the fluid built back up. Seeing the baby moving on the sonagram and listening to its heart beating was enough for us to endure the antibiotics and risk an infection for me. After two weeks and two sonagrams the fluid did not replenish. We had to make the terrible decision that no one wants to make. Doc said that the odds of keeping the pregnancy were very slim and my risk for infection grew each day. Knowing that the baby had no fluid to swallow for its lungs to develop properly along with the limbs not getting sufficient movement we opted to terminate. This was a week ago today and although I feel we made the best decision for both the baby and I it's still doesn't make it any easier. Any tips on easing the guilt and trying to deal with the emotions that come at me from out of nowhere? I'm at aloss here.

So sorry Jen to hear what you're going through. I've no real advice to give having not been through it myself but couldn't let your post go unanswered. Take care of yourselves.

Jen, perhaps start a new thread so more people will see this.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Ihave no experience of what you've been through (although I did previously m/c at 15 weeks, so understand your feeling of loss).

Please don't be hard on yourself; don't feel guilty. You need to take time to grieve, and this could take a long time.

Look after yourself, be kind to yourself.

Hi Jen - this happened to me fifteen years ago. The fact that I still read threads like yours probably shows what a huge impact this has. I've had many horrible things happen over the years but nothing ever left me feeling so alone. I believe hospitals deal with this situation much better now - I was virtually ignored throughout a 36 hour labour cos the staff didn't know what to say, but I found the biggest help was talking to someone at ARC. They matched me up with someone whose baby had a similar genetic syndrome and she just listened to me rambling for 2 hours with great kindness. It's a slow healing process but believe me, you do get there. I had a 1 in 4 chance of the same thing happening again with each pregnancy but it never did and I have two amazing daughters. I fell pregnant within two months of my son's birth. Don't expect to feel the same every day. Some days I felt fine, then guilty about feeling fine, then the next I'd be distraught. Other people's opinions were quite difficult to cope with and the world seemed to be full of pregnant women and new babies. Hope you're feeling a little better and the new mother hormones have abated a bit - I remember struggling with those. Do try ARC and talk about it as much or as little as you need to, xx

I second what bodengroupie says. We opted for a termination in December 2005 after my son was diagnosed with a terminal condition. It is an awful time and you never forget but time really does make it all easier. One thing that really helped my was that I kept all his 'belongings', i.e scan photo's, real photo's, baby bracelet from the hospital, blanket he was wrapped in etc, in a baby box. I also have a neckace with 3 birthstones on to receognise the births of all 3 of my boys even though one never made it. Its my way of remembering my other little boy... I'm so sorry for your loss, I really hope you are feeling a bit stronger.

Poppy, I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. I haven't read all the replies so someone might have already told you what I'm going to.

Have you tried the Sands website? I go there because my 3rd baby was stillborn but there are lots of people there who have gone through termination for medical reasons so will undertsnad exactly what you are going through and how hard it is. In fact, there are different sections of the forum dedicated to different things.

It really is a good place for advice and support and to know you are not alone.

xx

sorry only just come back to this thread after nearly a year - Jen I'm so sorry for your loss - how are you coping?

would echo what others said - I think time is biggest thing - you don't forget but you do learn to live with it. ARC were very helpful as chooster/bodengroupie said as are SANDS.

I also had (and still have) therapy - this has been very helpful as I found the whole thing brought up all sorts of issues that werent jsut grief related. If you haven't already I would recommend seeing a specialist bereavemet counseller as that did help me through the horrible early months.

I know you probably dont want to hear this now but things do get better - I've got a dd 10 weeks now which I never thought I would have . the pregnancy wasnt easy and It will never repalce our little boy but it does prove you can go on and have a successful pregnancy.

Please cat if you need to talk xx

am very sorry for your loss.
i had a misscarriage so understand your loss. you never forget what might have been but it gets a little easier.
my friend is going tomorrow for a termination at 22 wks as the baby has lung and kidney problems they arent growing.i am devistated for her as its her first baby!
my thoughts are with her and yourself at this sad time in your lives!