Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

termination at 20 weeks due to multiple defects after 2 m/c

116 replies

poppy34 · 05/05/2007 21:16

sorry completely at a loss as scan yesterday showed multiple defects (there was almost no fluid in the sac which showed up in fact no kidneys could be seen, underdeveloped lungs, heart defects and other development issues). Both consultants I saw agreed taht prognosis was poor (if the baby survived to be born its life expectancy was limited). So dh and I decided to terminate to avoid prolonged suffering to the baby (and I am not sure how I would cope waiting to see what happens knowing the prognosis).

This is my third m/c (if you can call it that) after 2 last year where was left than 8 weeks. They're going to do tests afterwards to see if issue genetic etc. However my whole experience of pregnancy is one of fear/worry (3 m/c, not the best time trying to get antenatal care with over booked local health authority) that although I desperately want a baby (we've been ttc for nearly 2 years) , I am not sure I can go through another m/c or similar again

Also struggling to coep with how other people will react - felt very superstitious telling anyone this time anyway and find it very hard to cope with anyone but dh reactions. Does this get easier?

I am in total shock at the moment. Can anyone offer any advice/experiences on just geting through this week as I am now quite nervous about the whole medical termination procedure. I don't think it is the wrong thing to do but I'm frightened about what to expect (is there a lot of blood loss, what kind of pain relief shoudl I expect).

Sorry above very rambling but just helps to type it and also to know others out there have got through this..

OP posts:
Original poster
poppy34 · 09/05/2007 21:03

thanks for the posts - been talking about dh and have decided we'll go with what feels right for us. To be honest think telephone conversation with bereavement counseller (she wasn't in when I went to the hospital) yesterday probably

The fact that I"ve not been able to embrace this pregnancy (esp after my previous experience) and coming to terms with how it ended and getting some answers so I can start to heal and feel differently is key thing for me/dh. Will just see how tomorrow goes and do what feels right for us

Thanks for all the kind messages xx

OP posts:
Cadmum · 09/05/2007 21:04

I am glad that you have this evening and tomorrow morning to think about all of these questions.

I would also really encourage you to hold this much wanted little person but I would never judge you for choosing otherwise. I did not have a blanket or anything small enough for Owen (18 weeks) to wear but opted to wrap him in a square of cotton cut from my pyjamas because I couldn't bear the thought of him being naked once I saw how perfect and at peace he looked.

For the twins we lost at 16 1/2 weeks we did bring muslin squares and named them as well. The hospital suggested a funeral and this was paid for by a charity. It really helped us as a family because our older children had so many questions and did not know how or when to ask.

Do not think that anything you are feeling is callous or unusual. You are filled with conflicting emotions.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength for tomorrow and the coming weeks.

Cadmum · 09/05/2007 21:08

Sorry posts crossed.

Thankfully, nobody will expect you to know how you will feel until you are feeling it. Go with your heart at the moment.

i know exactly how you feel about being unable to embrace this pregnancy. This is also really to be expected. It was not until dd2 was in my arms that it actually occurred to me that I was really , really going to have to care for an actual baby come child...

Try and get some rest and find some peace.

lizyjane · 09/05/2007 21:51

Just wanted to say that I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

spraklynewthing · 10/05/2007 09:09

Hi Poppy - just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you today.

hertsnessex · 10/05/2007 09:14

Thinking of you today.

Cx

americantrish · 10/05/2007 09:24

poppy, thinking of you.....(hugs)

you are not wrong to hope for a happy ending for one of your pregnancies. i have a friend who suffered a few m/c's and then went on to have a lovely baby boy.

just take care..and the future will fall into place. x

PeachyChocolateEClair · 10/05/2007 11:42

saying a prayer fro you today X

becaroo · 10/05/2007 12:57

Thinking of you and your dh today poppy xx

LilRedWG · 10/05/2007 13:03

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your losses.

KerryMum · 11/05/2007 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MMooMar · 11/05/2007 14:27

Poppy love,Sending you loads of love and hugs.

((((((((xxxxxxxxxx)))))))))

Cadmum · 11/05/2007 15:06

You are in my thoughts and prayers...

I hope your experience was as positive as possible and that your heart is healing.

Original poster
poppy34 · 11/05/2007 21:09

thanks for all your kind thoughts - back from hospital now where they were all very kind.

bit tired now but all went as well as can be expected -thanks so much for al your support xx

OP posts:
Original poster
poppy34 · 11/05/2007 21:09

thanks for all your kind thoughts - back from hospital now where they were all very kind.

bit tired now but all went as well as can be expected -thanks so much for al your support xx

OP posts:
hertsnessex · 11/05/2007 23:48

thanks for the update poppy.

I am thinking of you and your dh.

Cxxx

KerryMum · 12/05/2007 02:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cadmum · 12/05/2007 19:20

I am glad that you are back home.

I will keep checking here if you need a chat.

Take time for yourselves.

Original poster
poppy34 · 13/05/2007 16:17

hi cadmum - feeling little better today. Can either CAT you or chat here? I was just wondering what anyone else did about talking through with ARC befriender or similar.

I don't really know how I feel at the moment so was wondering if that was normal in that you might feel more need to talk as time goes by , initial shock etc wears off and you're expected to go back to normal .

Also not sure what to do re going back to work - I'm under no pressure to go but I'm not sure how I'll recognise when I'm ready to go back. Remember with first m/c went back quite quickly but found that would be irrationally cross/upste for sometime afterwards due to coping with it all. This time is bound to be harder as was further along and others knew (so have whole thing of people not knowning waht to say). Also one of the staff members on my team is about 13/14 weeks pregnant so the issue of how I handle this is going to be pretty full on. I know this is going to be bloody difficult in whatever form but I really don't want to spend rest of my life avoiding pregnant women and babies as think part of getting better for me will be facing up to life going on as it is now and accepting waht I've got (rather then feeling lost/bitter for fact I may or may not have a child of my own)...

Don't know if cadmum or anyone else has any thoughts on this if they've been through similar

OP posts:
Cadmum · 13/05/2007 16:36

Hello.

Of course you are welcome to CAT me if you would prefer not to talk on such an open forum.

I do not have personal experience with arc or similar befriender as I was really blessed to have many friends around me that were happy to listen to me cry/scream/laugh...

Your feelings are bound to be all over the map for the first few weeks at least. Thankfully, I did not have to think about going back to work as I was already a SAHM but I remember all too well my inability to cope with pg women and tiny babies. (I could link you to at least one thread that I started about a friend who was expecting an unplanned baby and how we just couldn't communicate at all.) In your situation, if there is no pressure to return quickly then I would take a few weeks to find time to know where you are. You need to recover physically as well as mentally/spirutually when you are already 20 weeks. The most important thing is that you take time for yourself and your dh who will also be filled with grief and worry even if he shows it differently.

It will be really hard for people around you to know what to say to you and my advice would be to be honest with them about how you are feeling at the moment. If you don't feel like talking then let them know but if you do feel like talking then talk openly and they will better know how to respond.

Sorry for the novel. (As if you don't have enough on your plate...) I just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is 100% normal.

Original poster
poppy34 · 13/05/2007 16:40

thanks cadmum - its reassuring to hear I'm not unusual in how I feel. Also don't really mind talking about things in open forum (if others don't ) - apart from anything else reading over threads of otehrs who had been through

I know what you mean about ARC - I'm not sure what I've got to say really as finding as you did some friends/DH etc been immensely supportive.

OP posts:
gwenynbee · 13/05/2007 19:06

Please get in touch with a marvelous organisation called ARC (Antenatal Results and Choices) Email: [email protected].

Nearly 3 years ago, I loss my ds at 24weeks. It was the darkest time of my life, and the decision I had to make made it even more heartbreaking. I cannot praise the help and suport I received from Arc enough. Their message board was my lifeline.

Please contact them! With love and light, Gwenyn x

majormoo · 13/05/2007 20:21

Poppy I am glad things went as well as they could for you. My situation is different in that I was not as far along, but in regards to going back to work, my consultant said she usually signed people off for around 6 weeks, sometimes longer. I remember saying that seemed like a long time, and her telling me I had been through a huge thing and needed time to recover emotionally and physically. And she was right. Personally I had a month off work (although some of this was already booked as holiday before everything went wrong.) Everything really hit me at 6 weeks, when the immediate shock had worn off. Sorry to rabbit on about me, but wanted to show you how important it is to give yourself space and time to deal with what you have been through.

In regards to befrienders through ARC, I did not contact one. However, by sheer co-incidence, a friend's sister who lives near me had been through the same thing as us a couple of years before (same abnormality, same hospital, same stage of pregnancy) and I found talking to her really helped. I tis great that you have supportive people around you. Personally I found sometimes I just needed contact with people who had been there, but of course we are all different in what we need. If you do join the ARC email group I will look out for your email anyway.

Take care

babyjamas · 13/05/2007 20:23

hi Poppy

i posted further down this thread about losing our baby (4 years ago now). I was a sahm at the time so didn't have to face the return to work thing - but do vividly remember not answering the phone for weeks as i could just not face the pitying voices on the other end (and i know that was just people trying to be kind). A couple of months later my sil announced she was pregnant - i was delighted and devastated a the same time (i never told db and sil how hard it was for me -this was their time and i felt it was not my place to make them feel bad). The day my nephew was born was honestly one of the saddest of my life - in many ways harder than when i actually gave birth to my baby.It reminded me so much of what i had lost - even now i see him running around and think how my little boy should be there as well. My two sisters rang the day my nephew was born to ask how i was and i sobbed down the phone to them - bless them to think of me. Gosh - this is a bit of an essay - it is all so bloody hard and i am so sad that you have to go through it. It is still such early days for you and your head will no doubt be all over the place. 4 years later life is good for me - we had a beautiful little girl last year - i hope you get the happy ending you deserve.

berrysmum · 13/05/2007 21:28

Hi Poppy. My doctor offered to sign me off for 4 weeks initially, which I felt would be far too long so asked him for just a fortnight. Although I initially felt ok, the shock of it all hit me a few weeks on and I got myself into a bit of a state with it all if I am honest. I was in full time work and my job involves 90% customer contact. All my regular customers knew I was pregnant as did my colleagues (I felt safe telling everyone after 12 week scan). I was convinced that everyone would be judging me and frightened that those who didn't know about the termination would ask about the baby, forcing me into talking about it. I became afraid to go out to the local shops, just in case I bumped into someone I knew. Every time I tried to talk about the baby I ended up crying. As a result I stayed off work for three months, and considered not going back at all as I was so frightened. When I eventually went back, I cannot lie, the first week was awful; but after that I threw myself into a project and soon regained my strength.
I wish I had found the courage to go back earlier as I now realise that I didn't do myself any favours by staying at home all day with too much time to think.
You need to recover and heal emotionally and it will take time, but try not to cut yourself off from your colleagues for too long. The longer you leave it, the harder it becomes. You sound like a very strong and brave person, I am sure that you will know when the time is right for you. xxx