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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

termination at 20 weeks due to multiple defects after 2 m/c

116 replies

poppy34 · 05/05/2007 21:16

sorry completely at a loss as scan yesterday showed multiple defects (there was almost no fluid in the sac which showed up in fact no kidneys could be seen, underdeveloped lungs, heart defects and other development issues). Both consultants I saw agreed taht prognosis was poor (if the baby survived to be born its life expectancy was limited). So dh and I decided to terminate to avoid prolonged suffering to the baby (and I am not sure how I would cope waiting to see what happens knowing the prognosis).

This is my third m/c (if you can call it that) after 2 last year where was left than 8 weeks. They're going to do tests afterwards to see if issue genetic etc. However my whole experience of pregnancy is one of fear/worry (3 m/c, not the best time trying to get antenatal care with over booked local health authority) that although I desperately want a baby (we've been ttc for nearly 2 years) , I am not sure I can go through another m/c or similar again

Also struggling to coep with how other people will react - felt very superstitious telling anyone this time anyway and find it very hard to cope with anyone but dh reactions. Does this get easier?

I am in total shock at the moment. Can anyone offer any advice/experiences on just geting through this week as I am now quite nervous about the whole medical termination procedure. I don't think it is the wrong thing to do but I'm frightened about what to expect (is there a lot of blood loss, what kind of pain relief shoudl I expect).

Sorry above very rambling but just helps to type it and also to know others out there have got through this..

OP posts:
Marina · 08/05/2007 12:03

Thinking of you today poppy XXX

Daisybump · 08/05/2007 12:20

So sorry for what you are going through and wish there was more that I could add.

berrysmum · 08/05/2007 20:27

Hope you have found the strength to get through what I am sure must have been a harrowing day. Love to you and your family.xxx

Original poster
poppy34 · 08/05/2007 20:43

thanks for all your kind thoughts- went in today to get the meds to start the process off . Generally speaking the day was as tough as I'd expect but got through it (including call from my sister whose parting shot was "dont worry -I'm sure we'll be discussing names for the next one soon enough" well meant but set me off crying for half an hour).

Strangely at hospital I felt better as doctor and midwife were so lovely and answered all my questions. Maybe the oddest thing of all is that in all the time I've been pregnant (3 m/c over last 13 months) this is the first time I've actually felt positive about care (I've only ever been scanned before and then been shipped off back to GP or in/out for ERCP in one day) so maybe that was why. At one point even started to feel hopeful that maybe just maybe I'd be back in antenatal care for the right reasons but thats probably a stupid thing to hope.

However whole day was overall very quickly and really want to get rest of process over so can start to heal properly.

Thanks to all of you who suggested calling ARC -called them and they were fantastic (hospital counseller wasn't in today but am speaking to her tomorrow/thursday). now have some numbers of buddies to speak to so just knowing that feels a bit better . So all over the place at the moment that not sure ready to call them just yet.

Will let you know how it goes - love and thanks for all the posts xx

OP posts:
cazzybabs · 08/05/2007 21:04

Oh poppy I am thinking of you.

AitchTwoOh · 08/05/2007 21:09

i am so very sorry, poppy, what a shame for you and DH and the wee one. you are being very brave. x

maisym · 09/05/2007 10:41

thinking of you poppy xxx

Cadmum · 09/05/2007 12:48

Poppy: I am thinking of you and your dh today and hoping that the hospital were still lovely and sympathetic. (I also found this really invaluable as I had really lost faith in the NHS.)

Expect to have some really down days and be really kind to yourselves.

Original poster
poppy34 · 09/05/2007 12:51

thanks cadmum -feeling ok today but know that its going to be an up and down process.

Slightly nervous as back in to hospital for rest of procedure tomorrow but do feel reassured by hospital treatment I've been getting and fact DH will be with me.

Am I wrong to hold out hope that maybe one day they'll be a happy ending to one of my pregnancies?

OP posts:
Cadmum · 09/05/2007 15:11

Not wrong to dream of a positive outcome at all... We have 4 children and 4 that went straight to heaven before their first breath.

I can only imagine how very hard this must be for you as you don't yet have a child. Our losses were not until after our first two were born.

You may want to take things to do (cards/magazines) as your time in hospital could be longish before things get properly underway.

Don't have rigid plans as your feelings may change from moment to moment. I really wasn't sure that I wanted to see our first angel and DH was convinced that he did not but we were both so, so relieved to have the opportunity because it made the whole situation seem like less of a nightmare.

It is only normal to be more worried once you see how concerned your family are for you but let them help you in any/every way possible. Our society is not really known for dealing well with death especially when it involves the baby of a loved one. Be forgiving because they mean well when they say things like your sister did. I am sure that her heart is breaking for you and she longs to see you happy.

Cry. You really need to let it out. It really is so so hard to be in your situation.

Ask questions rather than suffer in silence. The doctors and midwives will be better able to care for you if you can ask for what you need.

Original poster
poppy34 · 09/05/2007 15:19

Thanks cadmum - if one thing I'm definitley not going to do this time is not accept help or ask questions.

I'm really not sure how I feel about seeing hte little one but think I'll be guided by my feelings at the time. I definitely think I need to ahve some kind of a goodbye-even if it is as much about acknowledging what might of been as well as the baby we lost.

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 09/05/2007 15:38

Very sad to read your post, Poppy... I hope that tomorrow is not too awful.

ThomCat · 09/05/2007 15:41

Hi Poppy - just seen this and wanted to say how terribly, terrbly sorry I am

Original poster
poppy34 · 09/05/2007 18:32

dimpled thighs or anyone else who has been through this there...

spoke to bereavement midwife today about what is going to happen tomorrow. Most of it was as I expected (bit nervous about whole battery of tests that they're doing - everything from HIV to rubella but I suppose that is normal) but thing that really got to me was when they asked me what I wanted to do with the baby. I know that this was mentioned before but it really freaked me out.

What they said was did I have a name for the baby and did I want to bring anything to wrap it in. To be honest I've felt a bit odd about this pregnancy for some time and hadn't really started to think about baby in personal terms. Therefore when she said this felt really awful as my feeling was that wanted to get this over with and hadn't really thought that needed to hold baby, wrap it in anything (apart from anything else its 20 weeks ... please don't think I'm cruel but it isn't a baby as such yet).Am I wrong not to want to do all this, have somethign to wrap it on or want a memorial book? This was a very wanted baby but what upsets me is what it might have become/the hopes we had for it (not what it actually is at the present which is something that could have become a little person but didnt get to that stage).

sorry sound really confused and probably horribly callous but am so worried that there is something wrong with me for not wanting to have some kind of memento/time with baby etc. maybe I'm just unnatural and this is why this has happened to me.

OP posts:
kateyp · 09/05/2007 18:38

hi, first off - so sorry to hear about the scan and what you have to go through tomorrow.

I had a stillbirth at 26 weeks so sort of know the area.

Whilst you may not feel at the moment that you want any mementoes of baby you may feel differently once he/she is born or differently in a week/month/years time. I help to run a web based support group for people that have late losses (including terminations) and we have at least one member who at the time felt she wanted nothing to do with it all but now (over a year on) has been back in touch with the hospital etc for more info/mementos.

In essence I would say do what feels right, but keep anything they give you for the future - hand prints/foot prints and the like.

Give me a shout if you would like our groups address. And best of luck tomorrow - will be thinking of you xx

Kate

PeachyChocolateEClair · 09/05/2007 18:43

You poor dsoul

If it helps, my Mum had to face similar in her fifth pg (all others late MC) after she contracted rubella, nobody knows why but after that her next 3 pregnancies went to full term, I am the oldest surviving abby and was born on my due date healthy as anything

I cant imagine the pain you must both be going through but please I dont think anyone- certainly not anyone whose views are worth listening to- will judge, I think people will ympathise hugely.

Original poster
poppy34 · 09/05/2007 18:44

kate -that address would be great.

and thanks

OP posts:
kateyp · 09/05/2007 19:35

groups.msn.com/BabyLossSupportGroup/

It is private at the mo, but I sort out the applications so just put that you know me from here.

kate
x

majormoo · 09/05/2007 20:04

Poppy thinking of you and your DH and I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can.

And of course you aren't callous-you need to do whatever is right for you. I would consider what Kate and Cadmum have said though, because you do not know how you will feel in a few months, years time or in fact tomorrow.

There's certainly nothing wrong with hoping for a happy ending either.

kimi · 09/05/2007 20:12

So sorry poppy, thinking of you xx

KerryMum · 09/05/2007 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maisym · 09/05/2007 20:26

poppy your reaction is totally ok and there is no way feeling like this makes this happen to you.

it's your way of helping yourself get through this time and in protecting you. Lots of thoughts xxx

kateyp · 09/05/2007 20:30

poppy - if you drop me an e mail I can send you a leaflet that one of our members did - it might help...

my e mail is kpotts at hotmail dot com (but symbols not words)

gothicmama · 09/05/2007 20:31

Poppy your reaction is fine and normal, all people have differing views on this. Do what is right for you and if you look back and wish you had done something different, remember you did what did because it was right atthe time for you. I am not sure what I woudld do in your position but I have been comforted by holding ceremonies to celebrate the life that might have been and my hopes and dreams for that life.

babyjamas · 09/05/2007 20:37

hi Poppy

i am so sorry to hear what you're going through.
I ended a pregancy at 21 weeks in 2003 - a horrible decision but one which i am at peace with now. My baby would not have survived and we did what we did to prevent any more suffering to him. There really is no right or wrong way to feel or act - you do what feels right to you. I did hold my baby and we gave him a name. The hospital took pictures of him for us (tbh he looked just like a very tiny baby -totally'normal' and fully formed)and every now and then i have a look at them and think of what might have been. I'm waffling really - but this was what was right for us, nobody will judge you for what you do / don't do.
I hope tomorrow goes ok for you.