termination at 20 weeks due to multiple defects after 2 m/c

[poppy34]

sorry completely at a loss as scan yesterday showed multiple defects (there was almost no fluid in the sac which showed up in fact no kidneys could be seen, underdeveloped lungs, heart defects and other development issues). Both consultants I saw agreed taht prognosis was poor (if the baby survived to be born its life expectancy was limited). So dh and I decided to terminate to avoid prolonged suffering to the baby (and I am not sure how I would cope waiting to see what happens knowing the prognosis).

This is my third m/c (if you can call it that) after 2 last year where was left than 8 weeks. They're going to do tests afterwards to see if issue genetic etc. However my whole experience of pregnancy is one of fear/worry (3 m/c, not the best time trying to get antenatal care with over booked local health authority) that although I desperately want a baby (we've been ttc for nearly 2 years) , I am not sure I can go through another m/c or similar again

Also struggling to coep with how other people will react - felt very superstitious telling anyone this time anyway and find it very hard to cope with anyone but dh reactions. Does this get easier?

I am in total shock at the moment. Can anyone offer any advice/experiences on just geting through this week as I am now quite nervous about the whole medical termination procedure. I don't think it is the wrong thing to do but I'm frightened about what to expect (is there a lot of blood loss, what kind of pain relief shoudl I expect).

Sorry above very rambling but just helps to type it and also to know others out there have got through this..

((((Poppy)))) I am so so sorry xxx I have been through it too, I was 23 wks and induced due to DD having severe genetic problems. It was like a normal labour but you can have much more pain relief. I lost about 100ml which is hardly anything compared to a term birth. I also had a preterm DD who I lost at 20 wks and I lost 500ml but had very little pain/labour, however it was very traumatic and unexpected and like de ja vous in the same bereavment suite.. I still remember very vividly. ARC and SANDS are both great help and support and both have befrienders you can get in touch with. I will be thinking of you alot in the next days and weeks xxxx

I'm so sorry for all your losses Poppy. I'm sure that anyone will tell will only react with great sympathy for you and everything you are going through. I've had one m\c and that was bad enough - I cannot begin to imagine how crap you must feel. Make sure you and dh talk to each other a lot about how you are feeling - it's times like this that you really need each other.

So sorry Poppy - I have no advice to give but wanted to bump this incase any night owls can help. Thinking of you.

Oh poppy, I am so sorry for your loss chick. Thinking of you at what must be an awful time for you and dh. Cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling x x

poppy, I am so sorry to read your sad post.
I had a similar experience at 24 weeks.
Please CAT me if you think it would be helpful.
Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time.

Poppy, I'm so, so sorry to read this.

Oh poppy you poor poor thing. I have a good friend who went through similar in the usa. One thing that she had a hard time with that no one on this thread has mentioned was what to do with the baby. Because her pregnancy was a few weeks further along than yours, it was considered a still birth rather than a termination and they called her up a few days after the termination asking her to come and collect the body from the hospital. She then had, on top of all her sadness and hurt, to organize a funeral. This was the last thing she wanted to do, although for some people, they might find this a process that gives closure. I don't know what the policy is in the uk, but you may want to have your dh inquire for you, so that you know what will happen and will be able to have some say in it if you want it.

Poppy I am very sorry to hear this. As others have said ARC can be very helpful. The hospital should have given you their contact details but if not the website is www.arc-uk.org. They have a helpline, befrienders and also a good email support group, where you will find many women with similar stories.

I had a surgical termination at 12 weeks-our baby had Trisomy 13. It is of course painful telling people but personally I have found people to be sympathetic and not judgemental at all. In the early weeks some of our close friends were a bit distant as I think they found it hard to know how to support us, but generally I believe people want to help.

Of course you are still in shock, and need to just get through the next few days and weeks. However, as margoandjerry said, things will eventually get easier to cope with. I posted on here when it happened to me back in Aug 05, and in a way it seems like a lifetime ago but in other ways it is like yesterday. I hope it gives you some hope to hear that I have gone on to have a healthy son who is now 6 months old. Whenever I log on to the ARC emails, there are people just dealing with the dreadful news that you have been given, but also people coming out the other side of their grief, many posting birth annoucements.

Do keep posting if it helps, and I will be thinking of you

Also they will discuss with you what you want to do with your baby. As I mentioned I had a surgical termination, but even in this case they were careful to make sure, I/we were certain that we wanted our baby cremated with many other babies rather than holding our own service. The bereavement office called us some time after our loss to confirm this was what we wanted. It is obviously a personal decision and you will need to do whatever feels right for you.

Poppy, I'm so very sorry that you're in this situation. I'll be thinking of you all. xxxx

thanks so much for all your kind thoughts/advice. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this at the moment and may well take some of you

Thanks for those who posted re what is going to happen (esp wtih the baby) - i must admit that was too stunned to ask consultants much btu some of these thoughts have been going since my head since (esp idea of funeral- I realise that I need to find someway to say goodbye but not sure how but will ask when

its has made things a little easier to know people who do understand a little of all of this - esp those who've come out of it and gone on ttc nad have healthy pregnancies .Thanks again xx

God, Poppy, am so very sorry.

Hi Poppy

I am so upset to read about waht is happening to you. I hope you are finding comfort and support.

I lost a baby at 20 weeks due to cervical incompetence. It all happened with little warning and left me in a state of shock. There are things I would have done differently and you might want to think about these (although I think they have probably been mentioned below):

1. Pain relief - it can completely faze you out - something like pethedine can mean that you lose all sense of reality and do no know what is going on. It does mean you are not 'in the moment' and you might want to think about how that will be.

2. Do you want to see / hold / have time with your baby at all. You may want to take a camera or something special for the baby to be wrapped in. You could even ask for something of yours that is left with the baby at all times.

3. have some people lined up and take any help you are offered. You are going to need a period of grief and you and your dh need as much support but also space as you feel is right.

4. Take things slowly and trust yourself fully in what you feel you can and can't do.

I am thinking about you and please ask any questions you have.

I also agree that I think the other two miscarriages are not related to this issue.

so sorry poppy xxx

I don't have time for a proper reply but I really could not let this go without sending you my prayers and warm wishes. You need to take things slowly as it is really hard to think about everything at once. Try to be kind to yourself.

I have had three missed miscarriages and 'delivered' twice. It was nice to be able to see and hold our babies even though it was devastating to know that they would never be home with us.

You will likely have a bereavement midwife assigned to you and I pray that she will be as lovely as ours were.

More tomorrow as I am pressed for time. I am so sorry for your pain.

Poppy,
so sorry to hear your devastating news. The best advice anyone has given you is to get in touch with ARC - I didn't find out about them until after I'd had my termination which was still a great help but there were so many questions before that they could have helped me with. They also offer advice and reading material for your husband and even grandparents, as they realise that it isn't only you that is suffering.
I terminated last June (19 weeks preg) after being told our baby girl had severe problems with her spine and brain. Although I initially felt like the decision to terminate was made quite hastily, I do think that for her sake and for ours, it was the right one. I took a tablet and was assured that our baby would not feel any pain. I went into the maternity hospital at five o'clock pm and was given tablets to start my labour. By nine I was having period type pains. I had my own room and the midwives were very understanding, pretty much leaving us to be alone as much as possible and just popping in to check on us now and again. By eleven the pains were much stronger and the midwife suggested some pethadine. I declined at first (i think i had some weird concept that i had to do this all naturally) but, as she pointed out, there was very little point in suffering. The pethadine really helped - I felt more in control and relaxed. At twelve thirty I was only four cm's dilated but the midwife told me to try pushing and at one o'clock am our baby girl was born.
We were able to spend as much time with her as we wanted and the midwives offered to take hand and foot prints. They also arranged for the hospital chaplain to bless her. I left the maternity hospital the same day and had a blood loss similar to a regular period that lasted for about three weeks.
We had her buried with my dad, but didn't have a funeral; just had to get permission from the local authority and the undertaker sorted all that for us. The same vicar that was at the hospital came and said a little prayer and it was just me, dh and my mum. It has helped us having a little place where we can go if we feel the need to.
I am so sorry this is so long, but I know that I wanted to know everything possible when we were in the same situation. I am now thirty one weeks preg and everything this time has been text book. Don't give up hope. xxx

So very sorry poppy.

A friend of mine delivered her son at 22 weeks, after severe abnormalities had been found on scan.

They found it helpful to spend some time with him. They have photographs, and held a small funeral with just themselves in attendance.

He is still a part of their lives, and they talk about him, although they have now gone on to have another child.

x

oh poppy i am so so very sorry for yor loss,you have carried this baby for 20weeks and now to find out this,i can't even begin to imagine how this must feel although i have had two m/c so can empathise with that. good luck with whatever you decide to do in the future. xxx

thanks again everyone - off to hospital for counselling/treatment tomorrow. Feel a lot braver about it knowing a litlte of what to expect and your kindness has really helped (DH really touched by this too). One of the hardest things is seeing how worried my dh.mum and others are.

will let you know how it goes - kerrymum.humphrey and everyone else who offered may well be in touch over coming days when feel need of it (which I'm sure I wil).

Poppy - I am so sorry to hear your news. I have no experience of this so I can not offer you any advice, only support x

Poppy

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am to hear of your loss. I also had to make the decision to terminate a pregnancy at 21 weeks due to an abnormal scan, our baby Laurie had Patau's syndrome. I had previously had a miscarriage.

My heart goes out to you and your Dh.

I was given a great deal of pain relief to get through my labour, in fact the aim of my sympathetic doctor was to get me 'out of it' as I was very afraid beforehand. Due to this I did not find labour painful and can in fact remember very little of it. The midwives were kind, and we chose to spend time with our baby afterwards. This is a decision that is very personal, but it was the best thing for us.

The hospital paid for and organised the funeral. It was carried out by the hospital chaplain. I don't know if this is standard procedure in England, I come from Wales.

I found telling people difficult too. It does get easier through time, but at the moment try not to worry about other people and just do what you feel you need to do for yourself and your dh. We withdrew for a long time.

Sending you my best wishes and support.

Thinking of you and your dh today poppy....good luck x