Will the funereal director try to sell us stuff we don't want? What do I need to know?

[insadtimes]

My father died this weekend. We'll be meeting with the funeral directors as soon as we can this week.

I have lots of questions - can anyone help me with any of this?

I've heard that funeral directors sometimes try to sell you a bunch of stuff you don't need, is there truth in this - should I be wary of them selling us stuff?

When we meet them will they pressure us to make our minds up about choices like coffin on the spot or can we go away and think about it?

If we're doing cremation and not doing open casket, do we need to accept embalming?

What else will they ask us to make decisions on?

We've gone for the Co-op. I couldn't find any reviews online - has anyone used them?

We'd like to use a non-religious celebrant - I'm thinking it'd make sense to contact them before the funeral director so we know their availability before setting a date, is that right? (I have a list of celebrants to contact recommended by MNers).

I'd appreciate any advice. I'm slightly worried about getting bounced into decisions that suit the funeral director rather than us / my father.

Sorry for your loss .

I have used the Co-op recently (2 different branches).Yes they did try and get us to buy flowers through them and various other bits, but once I made it clear that we wanted a very simple low cost funeral, they were excellent.

My df passed in July. We used the Co op.

My mum did the choosing of the coffin and bits. There was no pressure. They suggested things, such as order of service cards (did we want them?), how many hearses if any.

Do you know what your father would have wanted? I know not everyone talks about, but my family do.

So sorry for your loss

My father knew he was dying but didn't want to get involved in planning at all.

We have a good idea of what's fitting though - non religious ceremony, charity donations rather than lots of flowers, music and poetry he loved etc.

He was a kind, gentle, clever man. Not into wasting money on buying unnecessary stuff for show.

I'm thinking a celebrant may make it easier to plan, is that right?

Sorry for your loss.

We used Co-op recently and they were very good. We weren't pressured into buying anything from them, although we did decide to do everything (including flowers) with them as we weren't local and it made things easier.

We were given brochures to take away with casket designs, flowers etc. It is quite often the case that whoever attends the Funeral Directors may want to consult with others before deciding.

There was also a low cost fixed price plan (from memory this was about £2000). Even though we didn't use this option we were made aware of it straight away.

It is perfectly reasonable to go away and think about things, I'm sure you won't be pressured into anything.

A good funeral director will not. Remember that you can change your mind and go with another if you want to.

Lots of people go in thinking 'only the best for my mum/dad' and come out essentially fleeced by a bad funeral director. A good funeral director will understand that is your motivation but that you also have a budget and priorities and pick out what is really important to you.

For my dad we bought one up from cheapest coffin, double slot at crem, one car and no flowers. The only thing the director tried a sell on was the flowers but my DM just went 'I hate flowers' and they gave up. They were very honest that the coffin was a waste of money.

They will try to sell you embalming and I have no idea why - DF had pre-paid his funeral so we just went along with it. Given we were doing closed casket, crem and had chosen not to view, we didn't see the point either (and both DM and I are health professionals so were not falling for their argument).

If you don't like them or feel under any pressure go somewhere else and check them out. Somewhere with no attachments to the Co-op who can be v hit and miss

www.co-operativefuneralcare.co.uk/arranging-a-funeral/funeral-choices/the-simple-funeral/

This may help you.

Reassuring to know that we don't have to choose on the spot.

threestonetogo thanks - I looked at that. The simple plan is mostly what we want but I think you can't choose the time or date of the funeral on that plan. Something to discuss with them anyway.

AnnaMagnani I can't see the point in embalming either?! Am I missing something?

We used the co-op although my grandparents had already bought their funerals in advance so it was all choosen and paid for. It was one of the kindest things they ever did. We didn't have to decide a thing.

I don't think you will get a lot of choice as to date and time of the funeral, as it will be dependent on other services at the crematorium.

In my fortunately limited experience, funeral directors will not pressurise you into paying for something you don't want or need. They may have a list of florists, stonemasons, printers and contacts with the local paper if you want to place an obituary notice, but you won't have to use any of them if you don't want to.

My sympathies on your loss x

So sorry for your loss I used the Co-op recently for my mum. They were fantastic and supportive. I indicated that I was on a budget and I was made aware of the low cost plan. It wasn't a problem to add to it though. I wanted embalming and I wanted to see mum. I can't remember what the restrictions were in terms of the date/time of service and cremation but it may have been certain times and days? I found it suited me though, I wanted it to be while the kids were at school as I didn't have any other childcare. Their legal service also contacted me a few weeks later in case I needed any advice regarding mums estate. I didn't but it was reassuring to have that option

Sorry for your loss.

Some will offer you all sorts of things you dont need, theyre 'nice to haves' and that includes a coffin.

Make a list of what you would like then book an appointment to chat about your list.

My brother is a funeral director, he says the most beautiful shrouds are available instead of coffins and they cost less than £100 for a natural linen one. They can be embroidered too which obviously theres an extra cost for. Some funeral directors will only recommend based on what you say. If you go in asking about coffins they wont mention shrouds at all. If you ask about horses they wont mention cars etc They're a business out to make a profit so if you mention an expensive option that you are considering its not in their interest to mention cheaper options.

Once the death has been registered, you will get the certificate. We got two copies, as needed them for various things. We used the ‘tell us once’ service. It was invaluable as all the information was entered, and HMRC, the council, SS et al, were all informed about my dds death.

The utilities and banks were informed separately as well as the solicitor for probate.

The funeral director gets a piece of paper which allows them to release the body.

You don't get a huge amount of choice on time and date anyway as you are reliant on availability at the crematorium and of your celebrant - these 2 factors pretty much decided matters for us.

They won’t try to up sell but it is a well to know what you want before hand. They will guide you if you are uncertain.

They all have a list of celebrants who charge between £100 - £1th. You can have a non religious celebrant if you want. For my mum there was a lady Vicar who kept it very simple. We had no hymns but did have prayers. The other two had no prayers with a lay Celebrant. In all cases I emailed the celebrant with details about the deceased.

Ways to save costs are
No funeral cars
The hearse to go straight to the crematorium
No embalming.
No Chapel of rest.
Basic urn for the Ashes.

Most funeral directors offer a basic package and you can go for that. We arranged 3 funerals last year and found all Undertakes kind and sympathetic. They will ask you about music. Usually there are 3 pieces, In and out and a piece for quiet contemplation. We chose just the two pieces,

They should also ask you if you woukd like the curtains closed before the coffin disappears. We chose to have this as I think that is quite upsetting.

That should read £100-£180. Each funeral cost about £3200. That was with the omissions I mentioned above.

I would shop around if I were you. My FIL died a year ago and my Dh automatically phoned the Coop as it was the only one he thought of at the time. FIL was a muslim so the mosque actually did most of the funeral, the Coop only provided the transport from hospital to mosque to cemetery and a basic coffin, along with the plot. The cost was £2.5k and apparently it would have been cheaper with any of the other local companies.

We used a local undertaker for DF's funeral so can't comment on Co-op. Not sure whether undertaker knew we didn't have a lot of money to spend but he certainly didn't try to sell us stuff in fact he advised us of the cheapest things e.g. assumed we wouldn't want cars, simple coffin with wooden rather than metal handles.

He liaised with crematorium to get time. We said we wanted humanist serviceand he gave us a name of the celebrant he recommended, who was brilliant.

In respect of order of services he showed us various examples, I chose a simple 1 page one which I then took away, designed our own based on this and then emailed to them to print. If you are having a humanist service there will be no hyms or prayers, so wording on the order of service can be brief. We just had a couple of photos of DF, a copy of the poem I was going to read (just in case I couldn't do it on the day) and details of where the wake was and where to give donations.

The undertaker offered to take DF on a slight detour on the way to the crematorium to go past his favourite places, which was lovely.

DF didn't want flowers and the undertaker listened to our request to have other things on the coffin instead which were personal to DF.

The celebrant then contacted DM separately to talk through what she wanted and then contacted me to ask if there were any memories etc I wanted him to include and to discuss the poem I was going to read.

We had a very simple funeral which was very personal to DF, and I hope he would have approved.

Sadly, we have had cause to use a company called Simplicity Cremations twice in the past year (neither person who died wished a public funeral). They have been wonderful, especially after a horrible experience for my folks when my sister passed away and a local funeral director tried to sell them everything going and called them bad parents for respecting my sister's wishes.

We've had nothing but over and above personal service and professionalism. Costs are half of a traditional funeral.

Op, I really don't want you to think I'm being flippant. But this channel is incredibly informative among the more...outlandish...videos. This is a video about 'direct cremation' to keep costs down, she also discusses other options and things for all types of funeral and burial/cremation options. So do look at her channel if you feel able.

No, embalming is not required and you don't even need to embalm in order to view the body.

Sorry for your loss.

We used the co-op recently for DFIL. They were excellent. We explained that we had very little money (no insurance or assets unfortunately). They were sensitive and at no time did we feel we were being sold to.

Remember you can always ask for time to think about things. You don’t have to sign on the day.

Sorry for your loss.
You don't need to embalm but ask why if they advise for viewing.

You don't need a solicitor for probate unless it's complex, or they are executor. There are many guides to doing it yourself. Try 'which' or local library. Undertaker or registrar will give you a basic guide what to do after a death.

Sorry for your loss op.

I had to arrange my son's funeral in September, I'd never done this before. Our funeral director actually talked us out of having a hearse and my son's coffin went on my knee (he was 2 months old). I did the flowers myself. The only thing we went with was having the service recorded. I only went with the idea as I'd not remembered a thing from my dad's funeral. When we got the DVD back it was awful, only recorded 5 minutes and cut out and really poor quality. It went in the bin as it was insulting. I'd never choose this again.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope that the experience of planning the funeral is not as bad as you anticipate and that the day itself is less stressful than you think.

I used a local funeral director and they were fantastic. Zero pressure, they accommodated granny with a wheelchair in the funeral car, planned the route to the crematorium to take in significant places and used their experience to find a time and a venue where most people were able to get a seat. I used their recommended celebrant, she came out to see me with a book of verses and poems which was very useful. There was everything in there from full Hallmark hearts and flowers to more simple verse. I wrote the eulogy, she read it on the day because I wasn't capable of doing it myself. I did the order of service and had it printed locally. They said that few people have notices in the newpaper these days (I am in the Midlands) as social media has taken over being quicker and free.

I had no idea of the costs until the invoice arrived and it was much less than I'd expected. The rip off was the pub with the function room that I'd booked for tea and sandwiches afterwards. If I had to arrange another funeral I'd use the same undertakers but run a mile from the venue. I went with the first one I found that was close enough and had space on the day, I wasn't up to shopping around. It was very nice but I paid over the odds.