My babies funeral

[Applemuncher]

It was Sam's funeral today - it was unbelievably painful. To bury my perfect boy just seems so unreal and was just so hard, he weighed 4lbs and was born at 33.5 weeks, my husband carried his coffin- it was tiny.

I keep thinking about what ifs all the time- he only lived for one day, it's all just so bloody unfair! I'm a very private person normally but I've literally stripped myself bare in front of close family and friends and I just feel so utterly exhausted.

My body is broken following major blood loss and a c section, my mind is broken from grief, I'm on maternity leave with no baby and the sunny weather is bringing out everyone with a pram!

I can't even console myself that one day I could have another child as I'm 41 with fertility problems and I've now had two major surgeries on my womb- it's all so very very bleak.

Sending you my deepest condolences

Oh apple my heart breaks for you.

Is your dp supportive?

I dont know how i got through those early days i guess ive blocked it all out. You will get through though.

It's gut-wrenchingly painful I know Apple, there's no words that describe it. Sending you an UnMNsy hug, and just wondered if perhaps asking a friend or close relative to look after the baby things might be an option?
💐 x

Ginger - my husband is supportive and so are my parents. Just as well really because i seem to spend a lot of time just staring in to space. It's like it comes in waves and i feel like I'm drowning and falling at the same time. It's like i keep thinking I've forgotten something and i go in to this wild panic.

Poppy, i have some storage i can use- I've sent some stuff back this week too.

It's just awful. All of it.

So glad you have some support.

It was different with me. My son was poorly and we already knew that so we took it that mother nature had intervened. Crap i know but helped us through.

Did you opt for tests? One thing i constantly told myself is life still goes on. You have to carry on because you dom

Ginger - my placenta was sent for tests - there was no point in getting a PM done on Sam because he died because of the placental abruption. I'm going to the hospital the first week in July to discuss the results.

Oh that's awful.

How have u been over the weekend?

Ginger- I've had to be quite strong over the weekend because my little boy was with me (he's 5) so I've been bottled everything up but i can feel the pressure cooker effect.

It's just awful isn't it? I know we've all been through the same thing but this rawness is just relentless.

I hope your ds provided a bit of a distraction from the grief.

Have you anything planned for this week?

Ginger - not really- i still can't drive or do much after the c section. My Mum and my husband are trying to keep shifts so that in not on my own but to be honest i just wanted to be on my own so i could have a good cry, i get so exhausted trying to keep it in. I just feel a bit numb when I'm trying to be normal but in my head I'm just replaying everything over and over.

I've never really understood the term 'heart broken' until now. I just don't know how people find the strength to do this, i really don't.

That is exactly the way i described it. If anyone asked me i would say imagine not being with your dp and how heartbroken you would be? It doesnt come close to how loosing your baby feels. Thats heartbreak for sure. I doubt anything could ever hurt me like that has i really do.

But im still here. Now that only takes up flashes of the day not all of it.

I'm glad you have people around you keeping you company and hopefully compassion and lots of love.

I am so sorry for you. It's so unnatural, no parent should have to bury their child. It happened to us too and her funeral was the darkest day of my life. I wanted to lie down and die myself on her grave. Please do try SANDs, they made me feel a bit less alone.

Homeiswheretheginis - Thanks-I'm so sorry this happened to you too- i have posted on the SANDS forum but i find it a bit hit and miss of anyone responds or not. At the moment, the whole thing keeps replaying in my mind over and over and i keep getting this overwhelming sensation that I'm falling.

I don't really want to talk to anyone in person yet- i just go to pieces.

You can email sands for support if that helps? I found my local group who said they were happy to support me via email.

Applemuncher I have also found that really hard exercise helped (after recovery). As did drinking to be honest. I'd put my son to bed and down too much wine. I don't need that any more, but in the early days I just wanted to stop my mind from going in circles so I drank until I slept.

What helped more than anything though was space. Everyone is different but I just wanted to shut the world out. So we ran away together. We booked a cottage and went away for a week to somewhere nobody knew us where we could grieve for her privately. It helped to get some space, and to be able to avoid bumping into people.

I think it's just time. It's so raw right now. I'm really so very sorry for you, my heart goes out to you in your grief.

Ginger - the good news is that the woman from SANDS is coming to see me on Monday night, not really sure what to expect but it will be nice to talk to someone face to face who's been through the same thing.

Homeiswheretheginis - I've had a C-Section and I'm on blood thinning injections for the next three weeks so I'm hoping to be able to do some exercise after that. I used to do a lot of running and I'm feeling these horrible surges of adrenaline so I'm hoping that running again might help make those more bearable.

I like the idea of running away, my husband wants us to go abroad with his family, I'm not sure how I feel about that but it might be good for our little boy who's only 5 and I think he's struggling to make sense of everything too.

Oh apple i think thats good news. I think that will be a good thing for you.

A holiday sounds like a good idea too. We actually went away the day of.lucas's funeral i jus wish we'd gone a bit longer and somewhere a bit more relaxed.

Where are you thinking of? Will family help out with your little boy?

I hope you are recovering well physically. Its easy to forget what your body has been through when your heart is broken.

Ginger we're looking at 10 days ìn Portugal in July, our little bit will come with us. We'll go with my husbands sisters and their family too so my little boy will have someone to play with. I have mixed feelings about it but am just going worth the flow.

How long did you go away for? Do you mind me asking how long ago this was that this happened to you?

I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and others who have been faced with such heartbreak.
Sending you strength and courage x

I think you should go. It's a while yet and i know it may feel funny booking a holiday, something you would normally look forward to and enjoy yourself on but you need a break. Time to unwind. Time to process your thoughts and feelings.

We went for three nights. Just in the uk. I wish i had done something longer and more relaxing.

It was july last year. Tbh everything is approaching the one year mark now and its really hitting me hard. Emotionally im a mess i didnt know id be like this as i just sort of managed after it first happened

Ginger - I've heard a few people say that the one year anniversary is really hard - I hope you find the strength to get through it. Maybe you could get away this year too?

I think we will go away-I'm a really bad flier so would have to get through that too but i think it would be good for my little boy. I'm quite a private person so wouldn't really want them to see me upset but maybe by July i won't be crying every day.

It might be good for my husband too- he's been through it a bit, this has been a bad week for him too - we're both trying to be strong but it's just so hard when we're all heart broken.

I am so sorry for your loss Apple.

OP I had a section too and waiting to be able to exercise made it harder. I hope you find getting away as useful as we did. If nothing else it gave us breathing room.

I remember that for a good week or two after she was born my traitor brain gave me a phantom baby, so I kept thinking I could feel her kick. It was horrendous, truly torturous because when it happened, if I was sleepy, if forget she was dead for a second before it came flooding back.

Be kind to yourself OP, it's a hideous thing to have happened. I found my DS a source of joy that got me out of bed on even my worst days. I hope you find the same. I am so so sorry that this happened to you.

Homeiswheretheginis- how long was it before you could exercise? I'm walking at the moment and doing some DIY but it's no substitute for a run. I'm three weeks post op.

I'm so sorry to hear how you were feeling after everything happened, as though you hadn't been through enough and then you had that too cope with too- i just can't believe I'm not still pregnant, it's still like a bad dream to me. Like you though, it's my son that i get out of bed for in the mornings.

Were away in between the first anniversary of dmil death and the first anniversary of lucas's.

I'm back at counselling tuesday am hoping that will help.

Hopefully you will feel well enough to exercise soon and the holiday will be something to switcj your thoughts to when you feel ready although i appreciate its not as easy as that.