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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My babies funeral

102 replies

Applemuncher · 09/05/2016 19:17

It was Sam's funeral today - it was unbelievably painful. To bury my perfect boy just seems so unreal and was just so hard, he weighed 4lbs and was born at 33.5 weeks, my husband carried his coffin- it was tiny.

I keep thinking about what ifs all the time- he only lived for one day, it's all just so bloody unfair! I'm a very private person normally but I've literally stripped myself bare in front of close family and friends and I just feel so utterly exhausted.

My body is broken following major blood loss and a c section, my mind is broken from grief, I'm on maternity leave with no baby and the sunny weather is bringing out everyone with a pram!

I can't even console myself that one day I could have another child as I'm 41 with fertility problems and I've now had two major surgeries on my womb- it's all so very very bleak.

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sparechange · 09/05/2016 22:17

Thinking of you and your perfect Sam. I'm so sorry for your loss

Something someone said to me after I lost my little boy was 'you now live on a different planet to everyone else. They live on planet earth and you live on planet I want my baby back. You don't have to live by the rules or norms for their planet and they won't know what life is like on your planet'
It made me feel a bit calmer to know there was no timetable or pressure to get back to 'normal' and there is nothing wrong with thinking about them every day

Alb, sending you also. So sorry for your loss

gingerbreadmanm · 09/05/2016 22:21

So sorry about your beautiful sam.

I hope you are managing in any way you can.

I lost my first child, a son called Lucas last summer at 27weeks. It somehow seems more painful seeing the sun shine when your world is falling apart.

Sending lots of love your way.

Original poster

Applemuncher · 09/05/2016 22:23

Thanks for your thoughts, they really do help - also, thank you for lighting candles, that's very very kind.

Alb1 - I'm so sorry that you're going through this too- it's just so very very hard isn't it? I still keep experiencing a feeling of defiance as I refuse to accept what's happened, then I realise that there's nothing that I can do to change this and find myself in dispare again. It's the stuff nightmares are made of.

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Original poster

Applemuncher · 09/05/2016 22:25

Gingerbreadmanm the sun brings out the prams. That is just so very hard to see and deal with.

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Original poster

Applemuncher · 09/05/2016 22:27

Sparechange - i completely understand that analogy - i think i might be on that planet for quite some time. X

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Battleshiphips2 · 09/05/2016 22:28

So sorry for your loss apple

Battleshiphips2 · 09/05/2016 22:31

ald1 sorry for your loss too.

Ilikesweetpeas · 09/05/2016 22:31

I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely son, my loss was much earlier but maybe I can understand a little of your excruciating pain. I too will light a candle for you and Sam

gingerbreadmanm · 09/05/2016 22:34

It is.

Throughout the worst part after lucas was born i just tried to remind myself that i didnt want their baby i wanted my own and i focused on being happy for people that they were lucky enough to be pushing their child. It helped me.

Didnt stop me bursting into tears in supermarkets etc though. I cried today on the way home listening to a song about pain. I thought to myself noone ever knows the pain of loosing your child without even having the chance to know them. I think as someone else said. We are on another planet now. I call it the new normal.

Original poster

Applemuncher · 09/05/2016 22:50

Gingerbreadmanm I'm terrified of who this new person is that I'll become. I work in quite a high pressured job - if I'm not the same person, will i still cope?

I don't know if I'll even be able to go back, this happened in work and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to face it. I know it's only early days and this kind of thing shouldn't be spinning around my head yet but i just can't help it.

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SiencynArsecandle · 09/05/2016 22:54

So so sorry for your losses.
My son only lived for 17 days, every one spent in the NICU and nearly 19 years on the pain of his loss is still there, but time does ease it. You will smile and laugh again but he will never be far from your thoughts.

Give yourself time and don't rush to do anything you don't feel ready for

gingerbreadmanm · 10/05/2016 07:57

sien has got it right there. In time you will feel better and the pain will fade but it will never be forgotten. Im only 9 months on now and i still cry on the way home from work a lot. More than i'd like tbh.

You will still be you and you will cope. I guess you have been given full maternity leave? Take as much as you like. I had four months financial reasons i could have done with another two. I then did a phased return over three weeks which really helped but again i think i should have stretched that out abit.

The hard thing for me about going back to work is on the outside everything looks like it's back to normal.

I do think it's made me a bit wreckless. Almost like i'm indistructible. That's not always a good thing.

Original poster

Applemuncher · 10/05/2016 08:51

Thanks for the advice, i really do appreciate it - I've always been a very positive person so I'm struggling with this because it's really knocked my belief systems.

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gingerbreadmanm · 10/05/2016 09:36

No problem. Feel free to keep posting. Just to let out thoughts or for advice or just to feel a little normal.

I'm quite positive too and feel i've dealt with things great especially on the outside but inside most days i am screaming no-one has a f'ing clue because they really dont. Even my dp or dm. How can they though? I think it's one of those things that you have to go through to understand.

Thank you for posting though, this thread has given me the kick up the butt i needed to arrange more counselling so i have called for an appointment today.

Do you think you will have any?

SiencynArsecandle · 10/05/2016 10:46

It took me 10 years to get round to counselling but it was the best thing I ever did. It was only after that, that I could begin to start living with the loss rather than trying to ignore it (like that would ever work).

I used to say I had bad days and worse days, but now I'm at the point where I don't feel ashamed to say I have good days. That probably feels a million miles away now to you both but I promise, it will come.

gingerbreadmanm · 10/05/2016 10:50

Thanks sien.

I do get good days. I get days where i could easily forget it happened. I panic though that i block it out.

At the cemetery i look at others baby graves and break my heart but hardly ever at my sons. It's strange.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 10/05/2016 10:54

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss

MunchCrunch01 · 10/05/2016 11:03

so sad apple, it is bloody unfair. I'm so sorry for your loss. The only thing I've learned about grief is that it takes a lot of time and goes at it's own pace.

Original poster

Applemuncher · 10/05/2016 11:13

Gingerbreadmanm- I'm on the list for counseling, there's a 12 week wait - I'm willing to try anything that might be able to help me through this nightmare.

Sien -Good days seem like a lifetime away for me at the moment, i literally feel guilty for eating at the moment because my son didn't get to eat...i know that sounds a bit strange and i can't rationalise it myself.

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gingerbreadmanm · 10/05/2016 11:42

I dont think that sounds strange at all apple. You poor thing it really is awful.

Even in your circumstances, that really is shocking. I can't remember how long i waited but wasn't 12 weeks.

Did the hospital have a counsellor available? It's worth asking if you can bare calling them or someone close to you can do it?

I know funding prvate counselling at this point is something you could do without but may be worth looking into. Sometimes students need clients and you may get it at a cheaper rate or free.

It's also worth seeing if your work offers counselling services as i know mine do.

SiencynArsecandle · 10/05/2016 11:43

Apple no, not strange at all. Keep reminding yourself, there is no 'rational' right now. You go at your own pace and you do whatever you feel you can, or want to. Be kind to yourself.
As for counselling, is that through the GP? Have you asked your HV for the local SANDS contact, or CRUSE are very good. Apologies if you already have.

Ginger it's all part of the grieving process, some mornings we wake and can opretend it never happened. I look back now and it seems like it all happened to a different person. I suppose in some ways, it did.
Just take your time and go with the flow.

for all of us struggling with loss

Tazlet · 10/05/2016 11:46

There are no words I can type that can convey how sorry I am for your loss and little Sam being taken from you. All I can do is send you my love and hugs.

xxxxx

Frazzled2207 · 10/05/2016 11:52

so sorry for you losses. Thinking of you and your babies x

SouthDownsSunshine · 10/05/2016 11:53

So sorry for your loss apple.

I can't even begin to imagine how heartbreaking losing Sam must be. I hope you are surrounded with all the love you need.

Original poster

Applemuncher · 10/05/2016 12:52

Sien - I don't have a health visitor- all that was cancelled when he died (dont know why), my midwife still texts and she's the one who's referred me for counselling but there's the 12 week wait to contend with. I do have some phone numbers i can call that are manned by parents who have lost children but I haven't called them yet.

I've gone from being someone who has literally no spare time to someone who has loads and i absolute hate it - i can't believe i used to moan about my lack of free time.

Ginger - the hospital were great - it happened when i was at work though so it wasn't the hospital i was meant to be at - once i left the building that was it really (and i couldn't wait to come home, i wanted to see my little boy because he wasn't well at the time either. I came home after 2 days.

Knowing that others have gone through this and survived helps a lot - this is more pain than i ever thought possible. X

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