My babies funeral

[Applemuncher]

It was Sam's funeral today - it was unbelievably painful. To bury my perfect boy just seems so unreal and was just so hard, he weighed 4lbs and was born at 33.5 weeks, my husband carried his coffin- it was tiny.

I keep thinking about what ifs all the time- he only lived for one day, it's all just so bloody unfair! I'm a very private person normally but I've literally stripped myself bare in front of close family and friends and I just feel so utterly exhausted.

My body is broken following major blood loss and a c section, my mind is broken from grief, I'm on maternity leave with no baby and the sunny weather is bringing out everyone with a pram!

I can't even console myself that one day I could have another child as I'm 41 with fertility problems and I've now had two major surgeries on my womb- it's all so very very bleak.

Sorry apple you had mentioned that earlier.

I never called sands but i have emailed them from time to time and am going to go to a local group soon. I did speak to steps after my sons diagnosis and just to hear are warm and caring voice at the other end of the phone was so nice.

Maybe try sands or if you are on facebook see if you can find your local sands group?

I can't remember if you have had sam's funeral yet but one thing that gave me a purpose was finding things for the grave. That gave me something to do. We got a puppy too which at the time seemed crazy but i had somewhere to put all my love for my son which was nice.

A silly one from me now but i really wanted everyone to know my baby was in that grave. Almost as if to share the grief.

Apple, I'm so sorry for what's happened.

My husband died a few months ago and it's not at all the same but I felt like you do about work (we worked together and he had behaved very badly towards me publicly before his suicide). I felt like I could never go back when everything had changed. And everyone knew it had changed.

I'm in my fifth week of being back and I know I can do it.

I know what you mean about the exhaustion of laying yourself bare at the funeral.

And also how it feels when something awful happens but you have always been such a positive person. You think, what now for me? I can't be like that again but it's me.

I know it won't console right now but you will be able to work again. And you can find positivity again. You are still you. A you to whom something awful has happened but still you.

I'm sorry. I can't pretend I know what it feels like to lose a child, but I do know what it feels like to be broken by a tragic event and wondering how the new you will move forward.

It's such early days for you but 'one foot in front of the other' helps me a bit.

Apple, I was in such a similar position to you.
It happened at work, in so far as I nipped out at lunchtime for what I thought was going to be a routine appointment and then didn't come back.

I have a dog, and she was my absolute saviour in those weeks. I'm not sure if you are dog person at all, but walking without another person was good for me. Dog is optional!
Sometimes I wailed, screamed, lay on the ground and punched my fists into it, other times I looked at the trees and nature and thought about the world. It was better than staring at the 4 walls of the house, or trying to meet up with people who just wouldn't know what to say.

The hospital will have a bereavement midwife, even if they haven't given you their name. Call the switchboard and ask to be put through to them. They should have access to useful resources, including hopefully a hospital counselling service with a shorter waiting list.

Just reading through and I'm also in a similar situation with work, left early for a routine appointment and never came back, I phoned briefly to tell them what happened but I havnt been in contact since, can't imagine going back now when everyone knew I was expecting, a colleagues wife was/is due a couple of days after me too, I don't think il be able to face going back. Hopefully it's something wel all be able to work on in the future.

My health visitor offered to come and see me anyway but I declined for now so you may still be able to call them and ask if they have any helpful information if you want to

Oh i didn't realise what you meant by at work.

I was the same. Went for a routine scan was being monitored closeley and find out Lucas had died. Automatically went on maternity leave from that point.

You can go back. I have. Is there anyone you are friendly with at work? I popped in a few times for lunch once i felt ready to.

I kept contact with hr / occupational health too, again when i was ready.

You will be entitled to full maternity leave i would think i know i was.

I started bleeding in work and called maternity triage from the toilets, they told me to call for someone to sit with me and to get them to call an ambulance. I literally lay on the floor in the toilets whilst the paramedics pumped fluid into me while we waited for the ambulance. My colleague waited with me and called my husband. The ambulance took an hour to arrive and i lost 1.5litres of blood - when i arrived at the hospital they told us that our baby had died and sent my husband back home for my notes. Whilst he was gone, they re-scanned to look at my scar location from a previous operation found a very feint heartbeat. They moved very quickly and i had an emergency c section.

I was woken up 20 minutes later to be told that my little boy was in the Neonatal icu and was very poorly- i was later told that he had suffered a massive amount of brain damage and they were really just keeping him alive for us to see but once they took him off the ventilator, he would not be able to breathe for very long. We took him off the ventilator the next day- it seemed selfish to put him through all that so we could have him for a bit longer- we had him for 24 hours and that seemed like a blessing to us after being told he was dead.

The woman from work is lovely and very supportive but she's handed her notice in and won't be there when i return- I work in an engineering office full of men and my maternity pay is very basic. I really don't know if i can go back but i feel immense pressure because I'm the main wage earner in our house.

Sparechange- i would love a dog, i am a dog person but when i do go to work i work long hours and we also have two cats. I think dogs have a real understanding of us humans! (My cats couldn't really give a stuff).

Ginger- how long was it before you went back to work?

Dilys- sounds like you've had such a rough ride - there is just nothing worse than your work colleagues knowing your most personal details - were they supportive when you weny back?

They were very supportive, definitely.

But yes, I felt and feel ripped open. A very personal and painful thing had happened to me (an affair at his end with a young girl there and then his suicide). And it was common knowledge.

But I just grit my teeth and now, just a few weeks in, it is better.

A wise friend said to me (just before I went back) that people will take their cue from me. So if I am BAU and professional, they will be too. And that was true. There were a few excruciating moments when a couple of people did a sad face and tried to give me a funereal style hug in the middle of the office on my first day back but I politely extracted myself and reassured them I was fine, with a quick smile. Vast majority of people couldn't have been better. Actually I found the men better than the women as they generally have less empathy and so I didn't feel the waves of pity. I was grateful for this. This could well be the case for you too (and fewer mums rushing off to nursery pick ups and talking about babies could be helpful).

You need time. I rage a lot against the cruelty of life in my head (for me) and I am doing it again for you now.

I'm so very sorry for you and you husband.

Where abouts are you?
I'm in London and will happily lend SpareDog if that would be any help.

Or there is the BorrowMyDoggy website, which will pair you up with an owner who wants their dog walked?

Apple I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm also sorry for all you ladies who have also suffered in such a terrible way.

Sparechange - what a lovely offer

> very sorry to hear of your loss.

I have been where you are now, we lost our baby girl Emily at 30 weeks a few years ago so I know some of how you must be feeling.

This world is very cruel sometimes

Ahh Sparechange that's a lovely offer, thank you but I'm up in Merseyside. My Mum has a dog but she's really strong and a bit of a puller - i might do it when my body has recovered, I'm still very anemic at the mimetic and my tum can't take any jolts.

Dilys, you sound like a very strong lady, it sounds as though you've maintained your dignity - i hope i can find the same strength when it's time for me to go back - i just don't want to be sat at my desk crying.

Pinkheart - I'm so sorry that you've been through this too- the world is so very very cruel. Before this, I was such an optimistic person who genuinely believed that everything happened for a reason, i know that this isn't true now- there is no good reason something like this to happen, none at all. When we had my first child, Harry, both my mother and father in law were diagnosed with cancer- it was so tragic- my father in law died two weeks after Harry was born and my mother in law died 4 months later. After all that, i was just looking forward to a happy pregnancy and bringing my baby home in a happy environment instead of one marked worth sadness - this really is more than i can bear.

apple i had four months off then a phased return over three weeks. I would have probably benefitted from six but couldnt afford it.

I work in a huge place where people know everyone to say hi in the corridoor but for some reason what happened was never circulated and i had some horrible conversations when i returned explaining to people that didnt know.

You really have had a tough time. We buried mil exactly one week before lucas. She died at 51 unexpectedly alcoholic was inevitable but no1 thought it would come so soon It was truly awful i dont know how my dp got through it. I'm glad loosing lucas hasnt really affected him like it has me. He is so strong.

As for the dog. Dp and i are out 8.30-4 at least most days we pay a family friend to pop in and check dog is ok let him out for a wee etc. It works well for us and our dog is only very small so its fine for him too. You may be able to find a way around it.

Ginger - these things always seem to happen in two's or three's don't they? Life can be so bloody cruel!

I think i might have the same encounters at work as you've had - i doubt i will be able to keep it together though - i have an immediate team that i work with too and they're young lads really- i just don't think they will get it.

Could you ask for something to be circulated? I wish i had done that.

Tbh even in an office full of women you dont get any special treatment. One of the things ive found difficult in all this is how my manager hs just treat me like normal. And she has two kids!

Mothers day came they all talked about what they had no1 even asked me anything. Was crap.

You will face it though. I trowelled on the make up cos i knew it would stop me crying. Theres always the toilets too.

I really dont think you should be worrying about work too much now though. Try and look after yourself for now xx

Thanks Ginger- I always have a few worries on the go at any one time...today's worry is what on earth do i do with all this baby stuff???

This is just too cruel. X

Hi Ginger and Alb1,
I'm sorry you are both going through this. I lost my dd 6 months ago at 33 weeks. The first few weeks are very difficult, the disbelief, the deep deep sadness, the physical pain, the breathlessness.
I won't say it gets better after awhile, it gets different. Whatever you feel it's ok.
Regarding counselling, I delivered dd in a hospital a few hours from home. The bereavement midwife there gave my details to the local hospital bereavement midwife and I've seem her a few times which really helped. Maybe you could do that?
Apple, I too work in an engineering company - only woman. The guys have been lovely. Only one actually mentioned anything - just to say he didn't know what to say. The others didn't say anything but I know they mean well. Actually the two young lads were the only ones that sent flowers and cards. I went back to work too early. I felt alot of pressure to go back asap. I suppose my family were worried about me being in an empty house. It was silly to go back early. So Apple trust your own gut instincts about returning to work.
Take care xxx

Sorry for you loss too belle. I cant believe how many people have been through this.

apple can you ignore it for now or is there any close family member or friend that can deal with it?

Dont be hasty. When i first had lucas i wanted all mine binned or returned. Would have given a lot away but feared no1 would want them.

Luckily all our things were at my parents as we were about to move house so my dm discretely out it all in their loft for if we ever want or need it. I don't know what i feel about it even now. It all seems so personal to Lucas.

Belle - I'm so sorry that you found yourself in this position too - I was the same, loss at 33 weeks (due to placental abruption which actually happened in work, in the toilets). I'm glad to hear that the lads were okay with it, I think mine will be too, I think if anything will be my downfall it's the sympathy - I can't keep it together if people show e sympathy.

We don't have a local hospital bereavement mid-wife sadly, but I'm being referred to a counselling service within the net 12 weeks which might help I did speak with one today for an assessment but he was a complete joke - if this wasn't all so tragic it would be funny!

Ginger - I think I'll pack up the baby stuff and just wait and see what happens, I guess that I'll either get strong enough to donate it or one day it might be part of 'moving on', who knows - but for now - I'm not sure how I feel so I won't do anything.

Thanks for your help everyone - today hasn't been a good day at all so it's good to come on here and read that you've all been in the same position, it really does help...

Just wanted to come back and recommend Sands charity for support ( if somebody has mentioned already sorry) they were very good to me and dh when we lost our Emily.
They had people to talk to, do support groups if it's something later down the line you might need (I didn't as I can be closed around strangers), every Christmas me and dh still go to the local church service they do.

When I want to remember Emily (birthday and such like) we write to her on a helium balloon an release it.

More for you

How are you feeling today apple?

Pinkheart - the balloon idea is lovely! We released balloons on the day of the funeral and i was thinking about writing something on it, I'm sorry i didn't now. I have a number to call for Sands and i hear that there's a local group so i might contact them but, like you, I'm a very private person and I'm nott sure how group meetings would work for me.

Ginger -Today has been difficult, there's been a lot of staring in to space and more and more disbelief and going over and over what happened in my mind. We went for something to eat at a local cafe and i lived in fear of someone coming in with a pram- I'm not sure if i will always feel like this but i can't see an end to it at the moment.

I think you will feel better but it will take time. Jist take each day as it comes.

How about tomorrow you get a helium balloon and take it to somewhere you both love and would have taken sam and write him a message and release it?

Did you bury sam? After lucas i spent a lot of time at his graveside and found that comforting.

If you dont feel like attending a sands group how about giving them a call?

There are absolutely no words that will ease your pain, nothing anyone can say will lift your ache. But please know, that we are all thinking of you. Each and every one of us is sending out love to you. We all have that tingling behind our eyes telling us we will cry for you and your beautiful son.
You will stand again, it won't be today, it may not be for weeks. But you will stand. You'll remember your son and your heart will fill with love.
I'll be thinking of you xx

You're all so lovely, thank you. I will do the helium balloon soon, that might help.

I did bury Sam Ginger, i can't drive yet as i had a c section but when i can i will go to the grave, i think it's something i would rather do in my own.

I wish someone could just anaesthetise me until the worst is over but i know it will never be that easy.