Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

They will all find out though, unless they are unlucky, which is what I find frustrating. This will be you too one day. And she's dead. She doesn't get more dead or die again if you talk about it.

Sillysausages and theotherside, I agree re the ache. It felt like a weight every day. It's not constant now, a few months later.

And you don't need to do anything, other than funeral arrangements and notifying various agencies, but I don't think that's what you mean. It's the emptiness.

Can I join? My dad died on Monday

He'd had Parkinson's for 20 years, then suffered a stroke last week, he was in hospital for a week but was not well at all. He couldn't speak or move, except for his eyes, so it's a blessed relief that he didn't spend too long like that

The funeral is on Friday morning, so we're helping mum with all the arrangements at the moment

We live in Portugal so we've had to learn how to do it all over here, which has been interesting

Hello costa my sympathies on your loss. Yes it is a bit of a blessing that your dad didn't have to suffer too long, but it dosent stop you wanting him here does it. Is it customary to have the funeral so quickly in Portugal ? ( my gs,s girlfriend is from there ) I am sure you have been a great help to your mum in making all the arrangements. It's a very sad time for you and your family but as long as you all support each other you can get through. I hope everything goes as it should on Friday.
nine and potential. I have not spoken to my next door neighbour for five years because he did not even mention my mums death, and she is the one who knitted for his dd when his wife left him. All he had to do was say " sorry to hear about your mum " not a bloody word came from him so as far as I was concerned that was it.
I found it very hurtful as I'm sure you both do regarding so called friends who ignore your losses.

Thank you. Actually we have delayed it slightly, to allow family to travel over, it could have been today

Costa...my Mum had Parkinson's for years..she eventually died from end stage Parkinson's and resultant complications...we also have funerals very quickly ( two/three days after).. In some ways it's better I think because it means not so long to wait but in other ways it's so hard because it all happens so quickly...I'm very sorry for you loss..
Mummylin...I just don't understand people... How hard is it to say 'I'm sorry'.. I don't find it hard at all so find it extra hard when people ignore/don't talk about it/pretend it never happened...I talk about my Mum very openly now and frequently say to kids 'your Granny would have said this/liked this/enjoyed this'.. It's like people are scared they are going to be infected in some way..a bit like when you have a sick kid, lots of people can't cope with that either...today has been a bad flashback day but it's also been good because Christmas is flying up and I cant wait for it to be over..

I also talk about my mum all the time, I must mention her everyday at some point !! We aren't going to suddenly stop when they are no longer here are we. I also don't understand how hard it is just to say a few words of sympathy. The ignoring is very hurtful, and for myself I took that very personally and won't speak to my neighbour again , ever. I am glad you are keeping your mum in your children's mind. They will know a lot about her from you.

Hi all. We have all been ill in various degrees over the last month, and ds1 fell down the stairs (he's ok, made of rubber apparently!). This year has just been horrendous. Can't wait for it to be over.

I know what you mean about people not offering condolence, My husbands' Step mother (dad's partner but that seemed too complex to describe). Never said a word. Not a text or card or call. I've known her for ten years. She didn't even come by and visit when I had the baby six weeks later and when I asked his dad why, because she was at home and was feeling a bit down. We haven't really spoken since. I feel I can't even begin to forgive her ignorance. she even messaged me a few weeks later (a message to all the family) cancelling a get together and telling us all to "have a great bank holiday". I could have punched her quite honestly!

As Christmas gets closer I'm finding I miss dad more and more as we always spent Boxing Day together. So as much as I can dismiss the last few months as just not seeing him, I know I should be seeing him then. And I won't. We are going for a meal to a place we all went last year and had a great time. His partner says he talked about how lovely it was. (It break s my heart to know this, he was never one to show emotion and I really feel like he felt that we didn't see each other enough but would never say it.).
This morning the ache in my heart was overwhelming and i needed to hug him. Well, have him hug me. It was unbearable.

Sending you all love for the coming weeks which no doubt are going to be awfully difficult x x

little people can be very strange. I'm sure for you this Christmas will be full of a mixture of emotions. But I hope that overall you manage to find time for happiness amongst the sorrow.

Just popping in to say hello and I hope you all have a peaceful Xmas.
Such a hard time of year for so many of us.
I've got my Robin on my tree sm!
Xx

Is the robin of significance? We have three robins but never intentionally x

Me too badvoc !!
Yes little the Robin seemed to appear for a few of us after our losses and so one of the posters on this thread made some little robins for us to put on our tree !! So each year that's exactly what we have done.
Wherever you are SM , hope you are doing ok and yes we have our Xmas robins out once again !

How lovely. We already have theee robins on our tree. They can now be for my dad, 'other in law and gran xx

Hi all, I browsed this thread last week, it's the thread I never wanted to join. I need you all. My mum died on Wednesday evening, the funeral was on Saturday, this time next week Christmas will be over, thank goodness. I am struggling. I cared for her as much as I could over the last 9 weeks. My dad and my 2 brothers did too. I have a 19 month old, so I couldn't do over night, but every waking moment I was with her, or preparing to be, washing pjs, doing shopping, prescriptions... I am lost now. I have no regrets about my mum or the time we spent together, but I feel like I neglected my baby who is a clingy monster now. I cry when I want, try to stay busy, but I am so lost. What happens next? Is this it? The world keeps turning and we get on with things but there's a massive lonely hole in my heart, and I am never going to be the same again. Sympathies to all of you in the same shitty boat

Hello jbee my deepest sympathies to you on your very sad loss. It us one of the most traumatic times that we have to go through, and there is no way to avoid the terrible sense of loss. You are right, life will never be the same, but eventually you should be able to still have a good and happy life, although it will be different. It takes a bit of adjusting to, and the sadness I think is always in the background even when some time has elapsed. But in the beginning as you have found, there are a lot of tears shed, but in time you will find there is a bigger gap between the terrible sobbing episodes and life will start to be happy again.
I am sure your baby has not been neglected , if he was fed, clothed, hugged etc he was fine. Don't beat yourself up about it.
It sounds like you gave been a kind caring daughter to your mum, as have your brothers, together you will all get through this. Support each other, and look after yourself too as regards meals and sleep etc. You need to do this. Don't worry about tomorrow, just get through each day for now.

my robin is on the tree too, funnily enough I have quite a few of mums Xmas decorations on my tree and she had a few robins in her decorations too.

for everyone who has joined too x

I thought I had lost mine ssd, but it was in a box amongst the tree decs ! How many times have we used it now 3 ?

yes, I think its 3. I hope sm is okay, I havent seen her for ages, has anyone seen her on MN at all?

jbee, this is a tough time of year, too. Just got to weather it out. But it's over before you know it. My mum died when I was a child - over 40 years ago. I've never 'got over' it. She died 6 weeks before christmas. I'd always put the tree up and decorated the hallway with her, usually with my little drawings and I vividly remember that first Christmas she wasn't there, doing it on my own. Vividly.

Dad died 8 years ago and I miss him still, and often go to phone him about something I've just seen on TV he'd love, or whatever and remember he's not there. When mum died, she remained such a presence in everyone's lives but oddly when dad died, he felt utterly gone.

I talk about them both constantly and I don't care what people think.

Re. people here saying about others avoiding them or never mentioning the loved one to them - when mum died I can remember one neighbour who literally crossed the road if she saw my brother or I approaching. In a small village where everyone speaks to everyone... It wasn't like she was upset - she'd never liked my mum, or my mum her... Embarrassed, maybe. So I always make a point of talking about the departed with people I know who have been bereaved, and they always seem to welcome it. This is especially true of an in law whose husband (i'd known him 30 years) died a few years back. Now at family gatherings no-one ever mentions her husband. So I always sit with her and say "X would have loved this!" and she chats away happily. Also just a hug is what people need sometimes. I always make a point of giving her the best hug of everyone!

Love to everyone who has lost a parent (or both), whatever time of year but espcially at this time of year when they are so much in our thoughts.

you're so right Joffrey

Not sure if I will get back in here to check in or not so just wanted to wish everyone a peaceful Christmas... I won't say happy but I hope we have a peaceful one...and I really hope 2017 is a better year and a better world..
Hugs to everyone as we go along our journey and Thankyou so much for helping me along mine so far. It's not one any of us want to go along but go along it we must. I'm going to try and make my Mum proud with my alternative Christmas..Thankyou all for listening when people in real life didn't..everyone on here has helped me keep just a tiny but of faith that some people in this world care..
Have a peaceful restful Christmas xxx

just wanting to pop in and show support for the posters here - thinking of you all

my teenage son has just made me feel shite, hes asking why we dont have any family to visit with on Christmas day, since mum died no one has came near us, my siblings live in another country and are too absorbed to care about us at all, I even give my dc's money I tell them they have sent for my dc's but they dont , I put the money in envelopes for them myself, to make them think they still have an aunty/uncle who care, I hate my family dynamic since mum died, its all gone to shit and my kids dont have any extended family now. I feel so bad for them, ds's GF and pals all have houses full at Xmas and we're the only ones who dont. Just feel utter shit.

me and mum and dad traveled miles every Christmas to see my nieces/nephews at Christmas time and so they all grew up in houses full at Christmas but now mine are growing up they dont think of them once. Its very hard to take. sorry just need to rant here, dh isnt interested.

Oh ssd things aren't getting any better really are they. I understand how awful it is for you. Your siblings should be ashamed of how they have been towards you since your mum died. I feel sorry that your DC are missing out on having aunts and uncles. It us quite shameful. 💐

Thankyou claudia and joffrey. For your good wishes.

Thanks Joffrey and Claudia, Hi ssd.

I know what you mean about the family dynamic ssd, we're still trying to find our new places without mum. It's only been 8 days, but the world is utterly upside down. My dad is bereft. He can't even think of mum, he blocks it out. I try to comfort him and reassure him that it'd okay, just whatever helps him through the day. I'm lucky I have my dad, but it's like the start of a new relationship where we're getting to know each other again. I don't think he knows who he is without mum. I don't know who he's going to be, who I'm going to be. I feel like a little girl again.

I just pray that we are able to stick together. A funny thing happened with mum's engagement ring. She said I was to have her rings, but the engagement ring went missing. I didn't tell dad because I didn't want to upset him, but I told my younger brother, who told my older brother, and it turned up in the place I'd looked for it twice. Older brother is clearing the house, deleting all trace of mum. It's been a bit tense. I'd be annoyed if I thought he'd taken it in badness, but if he wanted it for a wee comfort or remembrance of mum, I'd have given it to him. It's the duplicity I don't like, and I really don't want a feud, I want us all to be close. In her dosy morphine haze, mum said "don't push each other", and I don't know if that was "don't push each other away", "don't push each other too hard". I don't know. It's not the ring, I'm sure it's not expensive, it's the memories, and the fact she wanted me to have it, so I could pass it on to my daughter some day - her only granddaughter.

I had a cry over a fridge magnet today. My husband seemingly saw it for the first time - out of the blue, he read "Piza". Mum and I went on a cruise after her father died. It dawned on me, there's no one to verify cruise stories with now, no one to say "do you remember that day, it was pouring, we had white tops on, we were pissing ourselves laughing on the bus, would people think we were entering a wet tshirt competition?" My poor dad though, he has a life time of memories and mum had all the answers to the questions like "what did you call that wee woman who worked with so and so".

Thanks for reading, I'm not looking for answers. Just rambling! I broached Cruse counselling with dad today. Maybe not right now, but I think it would help him sometime. I went before. It helped me get a better "spin" on the facts - a lighter perspective in the middle of darkness. We've had 9 weeks of cancer and pain and being busy. It's all been dark. There's no changing the circumstances, but it would be nice to be able to remember MY MUM rather than the mum who was sick, full of drugs, confusion, on oxygen, fading away.

Happy Christmas all, thanks for being here xx