Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

I do understand my dd is having similar problems from her alcoholic ex. You have certainly had to put up with such a lot and having to keep going to court is enough to drive anyone mad. What an awful worry for you.
I understand about it being your mums stuff, I have loads of plastic tubs filled here of my mums stuff too, and I can't get rid of it either, but at least I have a place to stack ( hide ) them all.
I hope that you or your children can come up with a good way to make new memories, maybe you can all think some things up , write them on paper and choose a couple from that. Don't let your ex spoil your Christmas.

Oh he will go daff when he finds out we going away.. Both the kids have decided that they aren't telling him because they are too scared and they want me too but since he's not allowed to talk to me now except via solicitor that's not happening at min... Hopefully the trip will be good... Can't think that far ahead at min.. Need to get through yet another court date and some fairly major hospital appts etc first... One day at a time I guess... Thanks for keeping me company tonight..

You are more than welcome, it's good to offload sometimes.
I wouldn't be telling him about the holiday just yet.
I hope all apts courts / hospital etc go well, and yes I agree with you, one day at a time is best for now.

Just checking in, I thought I'd replied last eeek but apparently it didn't post.
So sorry about your friend Dowser

Potential it is an awful time you're having. One day a two a time seems like the only thing you can do at the minute otherwise it will be all consuming. I hope you've managed to get some rest after your pick up.

I can't sleep, baby has just been up but went back down and I'm counting the limited knwing I'll have to get up in an hour with toddler hut my brain won't shut down. I keep running back over he hospital with dad, I feel as if it all just happened again (it's seven months this week). Lately I have a very strong feeling that I've been robbed. We've all been robbed of what time we should have had. I see people who are "old" and just think you're so lucky. I can't help but think we should have had another twenty years of his laughter, his face and smile and jokes. My children should have had him there to see off to university and through their teenage years when we just can't handle them! I suppose this is a normal phase of grief but I can't get used to it. Surely it's all a dream?
Anyone else just feel like they need to pause life for a while to catch your breath?

Cruse called the other day to make sure I was ok but I couldn't get to the phone. They said their waiting list is very long so will check on me every two weeks. I feel another mini breakdown is upon me.

We finally ordered the headstone though, agreed upon wording -the first choice we made and was initially rejected is now the choice!

Dreading Christmas, it was the one time we were guaranteed to all spend the day together and dad was such a. Big kid it's going to be a very quiet day.

Hugs to you all xx

Please may I join?
Lost my dad in January after caring for him for 8 years through vascular dementia and Alzheimer's. He had been perfectly fit and healthy otherwise and had moved in with us last September so we could up our caring as we felt he was no longer able to live alone despite careers going twice daily.
Just miss dad so so much. I grieved for my dad before he died or so I thought. But I was very In Control for a long time. Didn't cry even when others close to me were losing their parents in similar or different circumstances. Then 6 months later came Father's Day and swiftly afterwards dads birthday and it started to sink in. Even though these days meant nothing but extra bewilderment for dad ("what are these?" "Presents dad" "why?") he was still there for me to spoil and fuss over.
I slipped into a black hole in August and saw no light or fun in anything even out looming family holiday filled me with dread. I felt a little better there as it's a place dads never been to so no memories.
My marriage was suffering, it felt like I didn't know my kids any more and I lived for work where I felt in control of my life, of outcomes and where I feel well supported and both professionally and personally.
Around this time I sought counselling but GP resources were dire, something I didn't find out for 8 weeks when my initial appointment finally ticked round.
So last week I had some private counselling. I really felt I engaged with her and that it'll help.
One big thing that came out of it all is that I AM GRIEVING. This is a big deal to me. I've been unwell repeatedly, anxious, irritable and weeping. In all circles of my life someone has told me to get back on antidepressants (I weaned myself off earlier this year as I truly did not feel depressed!) and my counsellor complete agrees. I'm not depressed I'm grieving. It's completely normal and most likely due to the fact I just carried on with life instead of letting myself grieve.
I work ft and I'm obviously not indispensable however I am very much needed due to vacancies and other issues. But I feel broken right now with other health issues (extremely high BP, anaemia and palpitations) so I'm wondering whether to have a bit of a break from it all to see if my batteries recharge. Does that make sense?
I feel like I want to scream and cry and weep all day and get it out of my system. And with a young family and a husband and job, I've no time or space to do so!

So sorry for your loss. I can't imagine going though the pain of dementia as well. It sounds very much like your dad was surrounded by love.
When my dad died, my friend who lost her mum two years earlier said to me "deep grief means that there was deep love". That gave me some comfort but my grief comes and goes. I too have a young family, was pregnant when he died and feel much like you that I have no time to grieve or break down. I sought counselling which weren't much use but currently waiting for cruse and hope you will be able to help me get it out.

It sounds like taking a break from your work would be a good idea if you can manage it. Look after yourself. I have found that by this point most people have "forgotten" that you've lost someone. I myself was guilty of this when my friends mum died, I understood she was living with it daily but t was impossible for me to understand that feeling myself as I could go about my daily life. Now how I wish I didn't know that pain.

Sending you hugs. X

DadsGone, I'm so sorry. You have had an incredibly hard time. Feel free to get it out of your system here, with people who can understand a bit. I agree with littlelostdinosaur that taking a break from work sounds like it might be a good move. You need to give yourself some space to grieve and let it out. It's so hard to do that when work and family takes up so much physical and emotional space. We need to grieve, we need to work through all those emotions, painful as they can be, and we need time and space to do it. When my mum died I just wanted to be alone; I couldn't even stand the sound of poor dp breathing next to me in bed because I just needed space and silence to think and process.

So I have dp's gran's funeral on Friday and then we are scattering mum's ashes next Thursday. I dreamt about her last night for the first time, after having a conversation with my dad yesterday about the fact I'd not dreamt about her! I also sat in her bedroom yesterday for a while, with my baby nephew, who was in a really good mood and very chatty and giggly. He is bum-shuffling at the moment and was scooting around the floor and trying to pull himself up on the furniture. It was really sweet and funny, and I felt as if I wanted to start filling that room with happy memories and good vibes and life, after it had been such a sad place for so long. Does that sound weird? There was also a sweater of mum's in there that she wore the day before she died - I wondered if I might have it. But I don't know if that is odd too?

Dreading Friday, absolutely dreading it. I've told dp I will go, but that I may need to sit at the back so I can quietly step out if it gets a bit much. Deep breaths.

Hello little goodness what a long time to have to wait for an apt to see someone. It is horrible when your mind just keeps going over and over things and very hard to switch it off.
For myself I actually felt a bit calmer when we had the headstone put in place, I felt somehow that things were finally completed.it was a strange thought, but I was happier knowing that mum had her lovely headstone with proper vases where I can put flowers instead on just a mound of earth.i hope you get your apt very soon.
dadsgone when I lost my sister ( 26yrs old ) I put my grief on hold as everyone around me was falling apart. I didn't cry in front of anyone , especially my mum who stayed with us for about 3 months. I felt I had to be strong. I was like this until about ten months had passed, then I crashed completely, I had to take anti depressants and was off work for about ten weeks until I could face working again. I'm sure that if I hadn't bottled things up that would not if happened. I think people have to grieve in order to help the healing process. It's very tough and yes the birthdays etc are awful.
If you can possibly take some time off work then do so if this is what you feel you want to do. You are important to your family and won't want you to be dragged under by what has happened. You had many years of looking after your dad, and I expect after so long doing this and I suppose you had some kind of routine, then that also changed for you, it's a lot to reconcile yourself to. Good luck. Take each day as it comes.
saffy I know its incredibly hard for you at the moment, I hope you will find you cope better than expected at the funeral of Dh,s grandmother.

Dear lord is it ever going to stop or at least get slightly better.....today I went for an overdue eye test....got asked all the usual questions but this time had to say yes to the 'any history of glaucoma' in the family....Mum was diagnosed a few months before her death but because she was so unwell (dying) nothing was done about it.....Apparently but it means I now have a 'family history'... I have to have more regular eyesight tests etc etc etc etc.....it puts me in the at risk category.....Most of me isn't worried- I can get the tests, take the advice given and follow it but the other part of me just thinks is this ever going to end...am I ever going to get some 'good news' ever again...will life ever just settle a tiny bit...will me trying to get better ever work or should I just give up...

Thanks for this thread .. A lovely idea.

I lost my dad just over a year ago, fairly suddenly. He had a heart attack out of the blue (well he had smoked all his life until he stopped 12 years ago) and was in hospital for a week. There was no talk of him being in danger, then we got a call at 7.30 a.m to say he'd had another heart attack and gone. At the time my mum was battling with cancer, I was in the midst of separating from my husband and selling a house. All very traumatic to say the least.

I miss him, miss his voice, his jokes. However, I still don't know how I feel/felt about him .. He was a difficult man at times. Obviously I loved him .. But he was difficult and caused me heartache at times.

Sorry for offloading, no one to talk to about it really.

Just on my way to carvery but will reply to both of you later this evening.

Max

I lost my dad suddenly six months ago. Your post has hit a chord with me as I loved hin dearly however I don't think I appreciated that until he'd gone. We had several very large fall outs about my wedding and stopped speaking at times. We spoke every so often just as was habit in our relationship but didn't speak regularly or see each other all the time. I wish we had but we don't live too close (of course now I think it didn't matter and I should have made more effort). Hindsight is a wonderful thing and it does seem to me that it glosses over a lot of the cracks, which I like tbh as it means I don't dwell on things I said (or he said!) and can remember the happy times.
We had a similarly traumatic loss and is a soregnant with ds2 at the time and have family going through a lot of their own problems also so it's really Put us all in a tailspin.

Today the funeral song came on again in the car. I sobbed whilst driving home. After it finished I then had the oddest sensation, comforting but so bizarre. I was drivin s route which I'd done with my dad before with him in the passenger seat and clear as day today I felt him sitting there. I felt like he was holding my hand and trying to say it was ok. I know that's just my mind doing things to make me feel better and it did. I really felt like I couldn't have squeezed him but by god did it make me miss him so much. I felt like someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest. I'm sure you all know what I mean sadly. Anyway a good cry seemed to help. Hugs to you all. X

potential no you don't give up now ! You make the best life that you can for you and your children, you show a certain person that despite him you can have a great life. Hopefully your eyes will be ok, try not to worry about something that may not ever happen to you. Your good times are still to come !
max goodness you had a lot to cope with all at the same time. It must of been a terrible shock when you got the news about your dad. And all the other things to cope with too. You must be a very strong person to of coped. Your relationship with your dad may of been a bit up and down, but you obviously cared for him a great deal. Try and dwell on all the good things and shove the difficulties to the back of your mind so that you will have peace. Glad you posted , normally someone here to reply to you.
little glad that you got some peace from feeling your dad with you. Must of been very comforting for you. I think the unexpected tears just seem to come from every little thing that brings sad memories to us. I don't know if that will ever stop, maybe it just becomes less often.
for all of you

Thanks Mummylin..just fed up getting more bad news I guess....certain persons behaviour is that of a four year olds at the minute - to the point that he is making other people feel uncomfortable when we 'have' to be near each other..I just totally ignore him but he makes a whole 'drama' out of the ignoring me iuswim..he will literally say hello to the person I,m standing with and ignore me- it's ridiculous and one of these days I have a feeling it will come to a head ( I reck anyone else would have lost it by now) but meanwhile I will just keep on ignoring him and trying to raise above it... Exh has now started asking kids about Christmas arrangements so that's going to have to be dealt with soon too but that one I can handle because kids are very much on board with our 'alternative christmas' for this year.. We deserve some peace the three of us..... The optician today said I have to contact my family and remind them all that we now have to have more regular checkups but since none of them are talking to me that's a bit awkward to say the least...can't decide whether to bother getting in contact or not or telling my Dad to tell them but don't want to upset him or worry him...
Hugs to everyone else tonight...it's a yuck path we are on...

Thanks for the replies. It has been tough and still is. Thankfully I'm now having some counselling and taking anti depressants, hopefully it'll help.

Yes, I'm trying to dwell in the good memories rather than the bad ones.

So sorry to read about everyone's losses here.

I hope you have all had a good weekend and coping ok,

you too mummylin

I lost my surviving parent two months ago. I'm plodding along, not much time to dwell on things with small children .

I'm usually pretty organized, but this year if Armageddon hit I suspect I could feed half the street with Christmas goodies. I don't feel like I want to make Christmas perfect, although I'm aware I need to make a new "normal" for the children. I managed to stop myself buying a load of Christmas pyjamas for them to start a new tradition.

I presume I'm trying to control what I can, has anyone else found this?

Hi cream I guess each of us manages in our own different ways to help us through the aftermath of losing a loved one. And if the way you are coping kids helping you then it has to be right. I am sorry for your loss and hope that your Christmas will be happy for you.

I guess. I seem to have totally lost perspective, and am almost buying my way to theoretical happiness. Maybe it just stops me thinking about it.
When my father died I was aware I had, for a while, a good perspective on what was important in life. This time round and I'm dwelling in the minutae in a way I would never usually do.

This too will pass I suspect.

Thanks for your wishes.

Don't try and suppress your grief, for the sake of your sanity, health and purse !! Take care.

creamcheese, I get it, I do that too

Hello everyone,
Hope everyone is doing ok ( or as well as you can be)
It is six months today since my beloved mummy died. Six months. How is that even possible. I can't remember what her voice sounds like, since the mnd robbed her of her ability to speak, it's closer to a year ago since I was able to have a conversation with her. I can't bear to watch videos of her yet.
Sorry for the down post, I just really miss my mummy today, how I would love to pick up the phone and call her.

Hi 50degrees how can it be six months ago already ? I understand about the videos, I have lads of my mum , but I can't bring myself to put one on and it's now 5 yrs ago for me. I'm not sure what my reaction will be when I see her, so in a way I am afraid of what will happen.
It's a shame that you can't recall your mums voice, but maybe that will come back to you at a later day.
I too wish we could just call. What a difference that would make to us all. Look after yourself

Christmas is going to be hard isn't it...harder already than I expected...I'm not putting up decorations/ sending cards etc...part of me is relieved that the 'work' of Christmas can be ignored this year because we are going away..no endless cooking,dishes,tidying up,visiting family who don't get on with you...but part of me is already beginning to realise how hard it's going to be to help my kids have a decent Christmas while all I want to do is take one sleeping tablet after another and just sleep until it's all over...I selfishly don't want to hear about what other people are doing with their families/partners/friends at Christmas..I can't bear the fact that this year I will be so alone,that my life is so fractured while everyone else's is normal..that the few friends I have left are annoying me so much by their excitement about Christmas that I just want to cut everyone off so I don't have to 'pretend' to be ok...
I made the kids extra special advent calendars this year to make up for the fact that their Granny isn't here to get them one ( it was always her that got them their advent calendars).. They are delighted with them..I just cried making them and cried giving them to them because their Granny should be doing that not me...I just wish it was next summer..