Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

FarelyKnuts

When my dad died i wasn't working (thank god!) But my dh - who had helped me do cpr and who loved my dad - was told he would get half a day for the funeral

Badders that's awful..
Farleynuts.. I'm sorry
Today is going to be a bad day..woke up at 3.30 with my hear pounding in my chest..been awake more or less since...beatablockers not working..had to take another tablet...can't decide whether to just stay in bed and ride it out or get up and try and be productive...bed is winning at min...more bad news yesterday about stbexh...it's like a Jeremy Kyle story at min...

Badders that is just terrible - did he stay at that job?

I feel so demotivated and disinclined to do anything at work now. Normally I log back in after kids have gone to bed to catch up, or I'll be 'available' on all the days I don't normally work, but now I'm like, fuck it, I'll only work the days you pay me. My good will has evaporated.

Farely - how did it go? Such an exhausting time, hope you are ok.

It's sad that the UK doesn't have specific laws regarding compassionate leave. And most people won't think of it when signing a contract.

I live in Portugal and I got 5 days leave automatically by law. Partners get the same time off.

Perhaps it's something to campaign about, rather than leave at the discretion of employers.

Yep :(
And now he has been promoted so I can never get him to leave.
Sigh.
They are bastards and I hate them (I worked for them years ago...it's how we met. They got rid of me when I was dx with a health condition)
I'm feeling odd too...my sil had a baby 2 weeks ago - which is great :) - except it's brought back all the trauma and distress from ds1s birth and subsequent "care" at the same hospital and I'm struggling.
I have requested a debrief and to my amazement they rang yesterday!
My sister and I have fallen out - we had plans yesterday but she decided to look after 2 other kids (not family) instead - poor ds2 sobbed for an hour.
She is a piece of bloody work!
Hardly ever see my brother so no issues there :(
I am off to see sil and dn tomorrow to help her as she is recovering from a section.
I'm avoiding my mum too tbh - she is such hard work. And so unsympathetic to everyone else. It's horrid.
All in all a very moany post from me...sorry!
It's such early days for so many of you and I remember those days well...the feeling of unreality and numbness. Hugs x

There was a thread started in mn a while back regarding this issue and some of the replies were eye opening!
Lots of posters felt that 2/3 days leave after losing a fairly member is more than adequate.
😳🙄😞😡

...and it's going to get worse now we won't have workplace EU laws....

We get 3 days compassionate leave. It used to be 5 but they cut it (along with many other benefits) in the recent renegotiating agreements.
Because of course we're all suddenly going to grieve less because the govt can't afford to pay for it. It's an absolute joke!
Funeral went ok as it could yesterday.
I read a poem at it, which I was dreading, but I got through it and am glad I did it.
Feel v low today.
Not getting out of bed I don't think.

Be kind to yourself and grieve how much you need to. But I'd find things to do so not to let it dominate my life.

It's a very difficult time in everyone's life when they like someone that they care about so deeply. I think for me it was the utter disbelief that my mum wasn't here anymore. How could the world just keep going, how could others just carry on Didn't they know my mum had died ! It's a shocking time but now I look back and can't really remember much of the first year. I don't know if your brain shuts it out.
But I have to say that chatting to others on here made such a difference, badders has been here the whole time and I think we supported each other. Thank god for MN. I would of been lost without it.
But many of you have had a far worse time than me. I have supportive family which for some wasn't possible and others like potential have had more than one thing to cope with, which must be so difficult.
Several of us have been here long term and went through the early days together.
I wish all the new posters well and hope it's not too long until you find peace.
In the meantime we can all help each other.

I don't know what I would have done without you lin! You and T and SM helped me hold it together at the darkest time of my life. I was in utter despair.
You will never know what a difference you all made.
💐

Farely...I'm glad it went ok. I did a reading too - I felt it was the last thing I could do for him iyswim?
I expected to feel "different" after the funeral. Closure maybe? Of course I didn't. Just as alone and devastated.
We expect far far too much of ourselves - as does society - to be "ok" and "manage"
It's no wonder to me that MH issues are on such a rise.
We don't give ourselves time.
X

Take good care of yourselves.

I find out the results of mums death today. At least I will know why.

russiandolls I hope you got the answers you needed today.

How's everyone doing?... Today is not a good day..haven't even managed to get out of bed yet which is not good...keep running scenarios over and over in my head of what I could have done differently...

Sorry I've not posted in a while, feel I've taken more than I've given in this group (hopefully catch up on this thread tomorrow).

I've not been good at all, think grief and stress about dads illness and death has meant I'm currently struggling with terrible anxiety and ended up signed off at work. Iit was what i needed and has helped. unfortunately my mum is currentky in hospital which made me feel so scared i was going to lose her too. Shes stabke and awaiting tests but had a long and stressful weekend when they thought it might be a heart attack. Thankfully they dont think its anything that serious but want to keep her in for monitoring for a while. Just feel so bad that i dont live closer :(

I'm fortunate compared to so many people on here as my work have been great with time off after my dad died. I can't believe how little people are given and yet people say it takes time except there's no chance of getting that without a sick note which many people feel they can take as they're not 'ill'.

We buried dad's ashes on his birthday (30th July) which was a lovely day. we had a great meal and reminisced and laughed about the funny things he did, the fun we had with him and the joy he brought us all. Although my sister ended up being 30 minutes late due to traffic, I was fuming as turns out she was pushing it with the time left anyway especially when she said go ahead but film it. We managed to wait until she was able to make it and i ooint blank refused to film something like that.

Send in huge hugs to you all, a sad welcome to our new members.:hugs:

I have sadly become eligible to post here today. Lost my lovely Mum this morning. I can't quite believe it somehow, when I woke up this morning I had a Mum and now I'm going to bed without one. She was 82 and had a good and fulfilling life. Can't think of anything else to write at this moment.

beelover I will post to you tomorrow, this is just so that you know you have been heard.

I feel like I have been slapped in the face by a sledgehammer. I buried my mum (63) nearly 9 months ago and today I feel completely lost. She had been ill for a while and I felt like I was emotionally ready to deal with her death when it came around. I am one of four children, I am third youngest but my family dynamic is a strange one. . I have two older siblings and one younger and everything had fallen on me to sort out. I sorted the funeral as my dad who was with my mum for 45 years was in no fit state to do so. It has taken 9 months to sort everything out from probate to making sure my dad is financially okay. And now that I have time - I am lost! I have this overwhelming ache in the pit of my stomach... I have been so busy focusing on everyone else that I have lost myself in the process.

My dh who went through the process at the young age of 22 is completely understanding and has offered to take the ds (I have three - 12, 9 and 7) so that I can focus on dealing with my grief. Its the little things that I miss such as phoning to tell her something that my children have said or done. Or that we have achieved something.

I am beginning to wonder whether I went back to work too earlier especially in my line of work (I am a nurse). I looked after my mum for the last 10 days of her life - sorting medications, personal care etc.

Looking at self help websites - its says eat right, exercise and sleep well. How can I do these things when all I want to do is cry in the corner??? It takes all my energy to pull myself out of bed and put on a brave face so that I can face the day ahead. I am miserable..... My brave face is starting to crack. I am currently on nightshift and as soon as I arrived at work I just broke down in tears.... I am not sure how much strength I have left... I know that it will get better my dh is proof of that, although he says he still 11 years later has good and bad days but they are easier to bear.

I welcome any comments or suggestions on how I can claw my way out of what feels like a big whole with no rope or ladder to get out of. I have done the counselling thing and to be honest - I think I just said what I thought the counsellor wanted to hear - never been on for expressing feelings to a stranger face to face. I am quite a private person and that's why I love this site.

beelover

twinkle183
It sounds like you didn't manage to have your time to deal with your emotions properly.

You could have depression and you should ask for help, even if you put it all in writing to show the doctor.

For me, I'm returning from a holiday and getting back to supporting family and to familiar places.
My sister had a cry for help just before I went and another friend is having such a hard time at home that she's saying she'd rather get back to work.
But I look at some things ds does and it makes me think how he is a worthy successor of his grandad. And I'm just happy that ds has had him in his life, particularly considering how his dad is.

beelover I am sorry that you have had to join us here. My mum was near enough the same age as yours, but no matter what the age, it just gets you in the guts dosent it. The feeling of disbelief is awful and so hard to deal with. I think the first few weeks are awful and I think I just went about everything in a fog. My brother and I were executors and had to deal with banks. House Solicitors etc. But I have to say without my brother I would not of coped with any of it. He sorted everything, I just signed stuff without having a clue what I was doing. I felt in a very alien world. I could not speak to anyone without breaking down, it was horrendous. And like you I just did not believe that I was not going to see my mum again. Then when it finally gets through, that yes this is real, there is yet more disbelief. And the awful sadness that someone we loved has gone forever . It is vital that you have support from someone , be if friends or family. They will help you through it. Just do what you have to do and get through one day at a time. We all understand on here and have felt like you do.do not neglect yourself at this time, it is very easy to do. . We will help you.

Twinkle I agree with Lweji it does seem that up until now you have put everything else before yourself.
I had a sister that died at 26. At the time my mum came to stay with me, I had family in and out all the time. And I didn't want to cry in front of them or my mum as they were upset enough. Eventually after ten months I went into a deep depression and was off work for three months. It was a very strange and lonely time as most of the others had done a lot of grieving early on. My doctor was very very good and explained what had happened, my grief had been suppressed , and because of this I became ill.
You do need to make sure you eat etc, but if you feel you can't cope then please get help from your doctor, before it overtakes you and gets worse. Just get through each day Try not to focus on next week or next month.

Thank you for your lovely words. I have a close and loving family and caring friends, I am very thankful for them all. I can't write much at the moment, can't find the words yet but I am reading and thinking of all of you in the same position as me. X