And am broken. Devastated. Isolated.
No one wants to know when no baby comes home. Everyone comes when a new life is in a house.
So alone with awful thoughts. My dh is broken, not able to support me at all and I am, just angry with the whole world; raging at the unfairness.
After 10yrs of ttc, infertility treatment - we have a funeral. He never came home. I feel I failed him. Am on maternity leave - had plans for perhaps going to baby groups and making connection, people to meet up with at parks/over coffee, maybe even a friend. Bought tiny baby clothes, nappies, lanisoh and looked up local sling library. Thought about names, what he would look like. Would he look like ds? Got ds baby things our of loft - what not given away. Age 40, my dreams of what for me was normal and what many people have easily, were to be realised.
No longer felt punished - not good enough to have more than one child. Went without holidays, ran an ancient car, no treats to fund medical bills. Life of ds put on hold to try to give him a sibling, to quench that desire in me I could not quash. As soon as had first scan that desire ceased. We were complete. Found out a second boy. That was just fine - any child was a blessing.
Then it all started going wrong - my fears were realised. Baby stillbiirth, too poorly plus had IUGR and on top it was too much for us all to bear.
And this week we bury him. Bury a child we never got to know. Never got to change a nappy for or dress. His brother never met him. We bury our homes and dreams.
I have wanted to yell and shout and scream at everyone who told me, we had a miscarriage and went on to have multiple number of children, or even had a death and had 3 beautiful daughters for eg. Firstly, my son is dead. Nothing can change it. Secondly this is the end of the road - there is no more money for expensive medical bills to try to conceive and maintain a oregnancy. More importantly I obviously have few healthy eggs left.
After 10yrs of longing we are burying our precious son.
And only one person had visited us in the weeks inbetween. How many if I had brought home a baby or had a baby in NICU? People offer support for babies, ignore losses. Feel so alone. Had a card today from a person expecting a baby same time as me; saying not coming to the funeral. No - she has everything I have lost. And so does everyone I see around me, with bumps, pushing prams, with grandparents. We have no family, no grandparents to push a pram here.
I am selfish. One person accused me if behaving as if my one dc was not enough; whilst they had chosen to have 3 healthy children. Why have more than 1 of what she said was true - one is enough.
He needs a sibling. I needed a baby to hold in my arms, to feed, to nurture.
Life decided I needed a funeral. A funeral bill not a childcare bill. A gaping whole in the ground and a gaping wound in my heart that can never heal.