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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

973 replies

shabbs · 13/04/2014 13:49

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

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Mojito100 · 13/04/2014 14:04

Thanks for kicking this off again Shabbs.

Hope you are getting by. There is so much to do when a loved one passes and it doesn't really allow time to think, be still and remember them with love.

To all others take time for yourselves and be easy on yourselves too.

frasersmummy · 13/04/2014 14:07

10 year ago today I was happily awaiting the arrival of our first child ...when suddenly at 39 weeks we got the worst news any expectant parents can get .. I'm sorry we cant find a heartbeat.. our world fell apart.

It would be another 2 days before I would give birth to our son who would never draw breath in this world

I am not in tears like I normally am.. just feel kinda numb today ..feel like I should do something just not sure what

Tuesday I will take balloons to the cemetary to mark Frasers birthday ..

lavandes · 13/04/2014 22:14

Precious memories of our beloved Richard who died 4 years ago on Friday. You are loved and missed every minute of every day, time has not healed us yet xxx

lavandes · 13/04/2014 22:15

Thanks for the threads Shabbs my thoughts are with you and your family xxx

lavandes · 13/04/2014 22:35

Thinking of you today fm xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 14/04/2014 00:02

Here is a place where we remember. How could we ever forget? Darling Mia, you have changed my world forever, a bright spark, burning bright with love, joy and happiness. I love you so much, sweet girl. x

Original poster
shabbs · 14/04/2014 09:40

Morning girls xx

Got a thousand things to do ready for tomorrow.....instead I am sat here watching idiots on Jeremy Kyle shouting at their Mum.....the death of someone you love dearly gives you a different outlook on stuff like that doesn't it?

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Borntobeamum · 14/04/2014 12:36

Am I allowed to be here?
I don't know.
I still grieve for a gc which was aborted.
I understand why, but it would have been my first gc and although I've now got gc, I still wonder....

Mojito100 · 14/04/2014 14:14

Borntobeamum, everyone is welcome here. We all have different stories yet all suffer the hearts ending loss of loved ones.

Shabbs and all others, not a day seems to go by that someone doesn't have an anniversary related to the passing of a loved one. May you all treasure the memories you have of them.

My DD was one of the most strong willed women you would ever meet and even though we argued about getting things done these times are some of those I treasure the most. She said to me from such a young age "my rules mummy" and boy did she stick to her guns. It makes me smile just thinking about her saying that.

Borntobeamum · 14/04/2014 14:54

Thank you for that.
I was talking to a friend who said I was stupid for even thinking about it, but I shall always wonder whether it would have been a boy of girl.

Original poster
shabbs · 15/04/2014 09:12

Morning girls xx

The sun is shinning brightly for my Dads final farewell. Haven't slept very much - was searching for my purse today - there is never 'spare money' at our house but I thought I had some change in it. Finally found it and folded over and over in the notes part was £10 - I know 100% there was no money in there at all. Thank you Dad - you always knew when I was broke!! xxxxx

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Mojito100 · 15/04/2014 15:49

Shabbs, wishing you all the best for today. I hope there is both laughter and love shared by all today. I also hope you hear some treasured memories of your dad that you haven't heard before or heard for some time.

snorris · 15/04/2014 17:06

Been thinking of you and your family today Shabbs.

Original poster
shabbs · 15/04/2014 18:39

The sun was shinning all day - a perfect cloudless blue sky.

My sons have made me burst with pride today. They carried their grandad along with my nephew and brother.....they lowered him into the ground in the grave next door to their brothers. They spoke at his service - they spoke with confidence and love. There were very, very few tears - but plenty of laughter at their funny memories.

I am beyond proud of them......way, way beyond proud.

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Helyantha · 15/04/2014 20:46

So sorry to read about the loss of your dad shabbs but I'm very glad to see that your boys shone today, along with the sunshine. There's a special kind of pride, I think, to see our surviving children striding confidently in the world.

Remembering, and celebrating, my glorious sunshine boy Thanks

LilyTheSavage · 15/04/2014 21:20

Dear Shabbs. It sounds as if it went as perfectly today as it could have. I can imagine you bursting with pride.... and quite right too.

Hello to borntobeamum and Helyantha. Haven't "spoken" to you before. Welcome.

Hello to the rest of my friends. I hope you're feeling peaceful.

Sending love and light XX

Original poster
shabbs · 16/04/2014 08:52

Frasersmummy - I placed a few sunflowers on my boys grave in honour of your precious boys birthday. xxxx

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Original poster
shabbs · 17/04/2014 08:48

Morning girls xx

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Mojito100 · 17/04/2014 13:54

Morning.

thedaymylifestoodstill · 17/04/2014 17:15

Hello to everyone and to the new thread.

Shabbs I have been thinking of you and I am glad your dad's funeral went 'well' and your lovely family were with you. How are you and how is your mum?

Hello to everyone else and to those I haven't met before.

Hello to frasersmum I wanted to say your comment about grief through the years and how you learn to live with it (was it on this thread or the old one?) really helped me.

Am feeling very nervous/anxious whatever at the mo. Grinding my teeth continually. Am well aware that to others I seem 'normal' but inside I feel anything but. I actually feel like I'm grieving the loss of the old me. Anyone else feel like that.

Also finding I'm having random, short, intense bursts of tears? What is that?

One foot in front of the other ladies, that's all we can do xxx

Original poster
shabbs · 17/04/2014 17:47

Im OK - I think. A bit haunted by my last memories of Dad....I was glad that my brother and I were with him when he died but also wish I hadnt been. It was exactly like when I was with Matt under the lorry.....but, thankfully, not with the horrendous injuries. It has re-hashed a lot of things that I hadn't remembered - very daunting and has made me feel 'very nervy' if that makes any sense.

Mum is OK - I had to explain twice to her on the way to the funeral what had happened. I am sincerely hoping she has forgotten again. She is settled in the nursing home and putting weight on - looking better every day. Im so glad she has the company of other people - not sat in their big family sized house by herself.

Oh I dont know - its all a big bloody mess isin't it? I miss my Dad....it seems about 10 years since I last saw him....not a couple of weeks xx

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thedaymylifestoodstill · 17/04/2014 18:39

Shabbs, that does make sense and I'm sorry you are going through all these complex emotions. I know there is nothing I can say. Have you ever talked to anyone about Matt and what you saw that day, in private? Like a counsellor. I know it's not a magic fix all and never would be, but I would imagine what you've experienced with both Matt and your dad would be traumatic to the extreme. (I'm not saying that to cause any offence or think I know it all, just wondering out loud kinda?)

I am glad your mum is doing ok and is well looked after, that must be a relief of sorts for you. I guess her forgetting is a sort of relief, although does she remember again and then get upset again? I am glad she is happy where she is though.

It is a mess, you are right. I'm sorry. I'm here, even if lurking in the darkest depths of the interweb xxx

Mojito100 · 17/04/2014 20:05

Theday, I often think of you and wonder how you are. I had a lot of short bursts of tears like you are describing in what I think of as the early days (first year or so). I would be in the middle of something and then the tears would just come. Only on my own mind you.

I still get that but just not as frequently. There are times now I know I need to cry and times when it just comes over you. All I can say is don't stop crying. It hurts when you are in it but does also seem to let some of the pressure of holding things together out.

Original poster
shabbs · 18/04/2014 08:30

Morning girls xx

I only really talk about how I am feeling on this thread and with my best friend. I have been to a counsellor but, for me, it was useless. I wish 'my head' could be 'practically fixed' - the minute I am with someone who thinks they can fix my emotions I just think 'How the hell can you do that - I dont even know where to start!!!' So everyday I pin on a smile and get on with it. I think my Dad has taught me that - thats exactly how he was. xx

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HeavenlyE · 20/04/2014 09:22

Hello everyone and thanks for the new thread shabbs. I hope you are finding some time and space to grieve for your dad.

theday I do also feel that way about the person I was before. That person seems like a stranger now; a happy, optimistic (and slightly foolish) stranger.

I met with an old friend yesterday and there were a few things she said that I have since thought about and which have upset me. One of the things was referring to me as having 'a child' rather than children. And also that I seemed 'better'. Then it feels to me like 'how quickly he is forgotten' and it even seems to others that I have forgotten him as 5 months after his death I am 'better'.

The thing is she is a well meaning friend and one of the handful of people who have continued to make an effort despite getting very little back from me.

The thing I am wondering now is how do I just let go of these feelings? I don't want to harbour resentments towards people who mean well. It is just that feeling of 'you do not GET it'.

Theday you mentioned that you feel you have to 'educate' people about how you feel - I think I need to do more of that. In a lot of ways I am not so good at being assertive and saying how I feel. But I must - definitely to dispel the notion that I am better now, when actually I am jut better at putting my mask on (when I first came on here and some of you mentioned wearing a 'mask' I didn't really know what you meant but now I definitely do)

Social interactions just feel draining. I want to hide away.

Anyway sorry for this rambling post, just feel a bit unsettled by the whole thing.