My baby's funeral this week

[AnxiousKeziah]

And am broken. Devastated. Isolated.
No one wants to know when no baby comes home. Everyone comes when a new life is in a house.
So alone with awful thoughts. My dh is broken, not able to support me at all and I am, just angry with the whole world; raging at the unfairness.

After 10yrs of ttc, infertility treatment - we have a funeral. He never came home. I feel I failed him. Am on maternity leave - had plans for perhaps going to baby groups and making connection, people to meet up with at parks/over coffee, maybe even a friend. Bought tiny baby clothes, nappies, lanisoh and looked up local sling library. Thought about names, what he would look like. Would he look like ds? Got ds baby things our of loft - what not given away. Age 40, my dreams of what for me was normal and what many people have easily, were to be realised.

No longer felt punished - not good enough to have more than one child. Went without holidays, ran an ancient car, no treats to fund medical bills. Life of ds put on hold to try to give him a sibling, to quench that desire in me I could not quash. As soon as had first scan that desire ceased. We were complete. Found out a second boy. That was just fine - any child was a blessing.

Then it all started going wrong - my fears were realised. Baby stillbiirth, too poorly plus had IUGR and on top it was too much for us all to bear.

And this week we bury him. Bury a child we never got to know. Never got to change a nappy for or dress. His brother never met him. We bury our homes and dreams.

I have wanted to yell and shout and scream at everyone who told me, we had a miscarriage and went on to have multiple number of children, or even had a death and had 3 beautiful daughters for eg. Firstly, my son is dead. Nothing can change it. Secondly this is the end of the road - there is no more money for expensive medical bills to try to conceive and maintain a oregnancy. More importantly I obviously have few healthy eggs left.

After 10yrs of longing we are burying our precious son.

And only one person had visited us in the weeks inbetween. How many if I had brought home a baby or had a baby in NICU? People offer support for babies, ignore losses. Feel so alone. Had a card today from a person expecting a baby same time as me; saying not coming to the funeral. No - she has everything I have lost. And so does everyone I see around me, with bumps, pushing prams, with grandparents. We have no family, no grandparents to push a pram here.

I am selfish. One person accused me if behaving as if my one dc was not enough; whilst they had chosen to have 3 healthy children. Why have more than 1 of what she said was true - one is enough.

He needs a sibling. I needed a baby to hold in my arms, to feed, to nurture.

Life decided I needed a funeral. A funeral bill not a childcare bill. A gaping whole in the ground and a gaping wound in my heart that can never heal.

3littlebadgers - sending you massive hugs. Xxx

How are you both today?

Kezia- I'm glad it all went well for you all. one day at a time xxx

I'm glad the funeral brought you some comfort. As others have said men do grieve differently, I hope you and he find ways to support and comfort each other.

3littlebadgers I am so sorry for your loss, I hope you are getting support too

Keziah

I'm glad it went well for you and your family and brought you some comfort. Best wishes for the road ahead.

OpheliaRose, I am so glad for you the funeral doesn't seem to have been as bad as you expected. Starchie says what I want to say perfectly, I do hope you and your husband will find your ways back to each other and to comfort and support each other. Please get counselling for yourself. Or could you not go with your husband for counselling? You are both bereaved, not just him.

Keziah I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Dylan is a beautiful name. I'm thinking of you. X

3littlwbadgers so sorry to hear of your recent loss.

Sorry I just struggled to read, retain information and reply. Just went totally numb after our service.

Getting through each day now no more appointments, plans for our son's funeral is immense. Just received a hospital appointment for my 3yr old - on the day Dylan should have been born by c section. Will be back at hospital.

You can get the appointment changed. No need to go on that day. You can ring the department direct or you can ring the PALS department, or even e-mail. If you simply state that the date clashes with the C-section date you were given for your son who has sadly died then they would have to be inhuman not to shift it. And if they do behave like that (and I don't believe they will having worked in that arena, then let me know and I will deal with it for you

Hope you are okay today Keziah and 3littlebadgers. Xxx

I've been thinking of you

So sorry for your loss. My SIL lost a baby at term. She still visits his grave but has come to terms with it and can enjoy the children she has. You will heal with time, will be able to enjoy life and your 3 year old.

The anger that has kept me going has gone.
The brain is so cruel; I woke up this morning and felt for the bump that is no longer, looked for the crib that never made it near the bed and remembered.

Remembered that I am not heavily pregnant, that I am not soon going to be exhausted and happy, but that I held my little boy and said goodbye to him.

The "what ifs" plague me so much: what if the test results had been different - what would I be doing now? How would the 3yr old be with a baby in the house and how many cute photographs would we take? What if I was not so old, would it have made a difference? What if we went for fertility testing after one year and not left it to nature for a long, meaning my eggs were rubbish? What if I was still pregnant or had a baby in NICU?

Do not know how to fill my days. Survived 2-3 hours so far today and the weekend stretches out seamlessly in front of me. No joy in anything, but staying in bed just takes me mind back to the what ifs.

People said at the funeral "you are coping so well, you were chosen to bear this as you are so strong" - no I am not, but as people ignore you how would they know?

Dh has to return to work, which fills me with dread. We are broken, but to be on my own in the house that should be filled with laughter, awe, nappies and a 3yr old fighting for attention is silent.

Where is your DS now? Is he with you?

I'm sorry, I've just realised what a startlingly insensitive way to write that question that was - I meant, where is your 3 year old, is he with you now? Or is someone else looking after him for you at the moment?

you are coping so well

Oh my poor love. Of course you aren't. Nobody could, nobody does.

And NOBODY is "chosen" for any of this. It just happens. And then it is part of us. We have no choice.

I lost my first son 14 years ago today. I ache for him. I have a hole inside me. My arms though filled now with his two younger brothers are always just that little bit empty. I want to hang on too long. I steel myself not to wrap them in cotton wool. He should be here.

I remember people saying that to me, "You're coping well." I remember the community psychiatric nurse on his sole visit, after a begging visit to the GP for help, telling me all about his day with people who really needed him and telling me to get in touch if I had a bad day. It was bad. He didn't ask. I had never felt pain like it before or since. I was alone in that pain. Nobody could, or wanted to, see it. Even the professionals.

You are so eloquently expressing your grief. I am moved by your honesty and your despair. Please post here. I know the RL people haven't a clue. My best friends now are the ones to whom I could tell my story over and over again and, though they didn't understand, and didn't want to, they did listen and didn't shut me up.

We will listen. Tell us.

Hi. Thinking of you today. Your comment about your thoughts makes me rush to want to hug you again. I'm so so sorry. If your older DS is not with you - can you get some kind of over the counter help like Kalms? Or rescue remedy. I just wonder whether anything could even take a slight inch even off to slow down the thoughts even fractionally. No one can find a reason for what happened. It is terrible and awful bad luck. My love goes to everyone who has suffered like this xxx

In my experience, waking up in the morning and having to remember what's happened and process it all over again is horrendous.

It's completely normal to look for explanations and what-ifs but please remember none of this is your fault. It's the shittiest thing that could ever happen, but it was completely out of your control.

In the early days I found setting myself one task a day helped. Getting something from the shop, sorting out the sock drawer - something mundane. Anything to distract from the raw emotions.

And if you need drugs, something to help you sleep, anything - please ask for them. One week after I had a complete breakdown and took myself to the out of hours GP and asked because I felt like I couldn't go on. At the time it was what I needed.

Take care

My 3yr old is with my dh, who cannot cope being around me. I have failed them both. 5 hrs of being alone this am, whilst they play toys and outside with a ball etc. I tried talking to dh but he just gets frustrated that I am not ok and tells me to get away from ds so he is not affected.

It is so ironic; totally get the PP who had a visit by someone who said contact me if a bad day. When it is a bad day. Today is a bad day, I am struggling to stay in the house, when all I have is reminders of what might have been. Struggling to deal with simple things like the post. Not knowing what to do with the baby things I bought - thankfully not too much ( got rid of premature nappies etc to hospital for NICU babies) - the lovely pack of Muslins I treated myself too, big ones to cover his pram on a sunny day ( as the parasol for ds was rubbish as second hand and was never in the right place!), the outfit I had bought him to hopefully dress him in ( he was too tiny to ever wear). His teddy went in his coffin, I had slept with it - it was all I could give him.

As I write I have silent tears down my face, whilst I hear my dh cut the grass. Ds is playing happily outside with him.

Dh wants to take us on holiday. We have not had a family holiday for 4yrs due to saving up for fertility costs. Am 40. There can be no rainbow baby - this second child was our miracle that I did not deserve to keep. I do not want a holiday is what I scream inside, I want 2 children - the 2 children that I had this winter, one holding my hand and one wriggling inside me. Every time I see my ds I know I have failed him. He told me last night as I read his bedtime stories: " I want a baby to put on my knee like xyz - a girl at his childminder's who has a 6m old sibling). It breaks my heart to know of all the wrong decisions I have made over years ( avoiding fertility tests and treatments due to dh refusing to accept there was an issue with him, to failed ivf, to leaving it too long to try again meaning this baby was our last attempt and I left it til I was too old, hence he is not in my arms).

The guilt, the loss is replacing my anger. The anger I have when I see people pushing prams, moaning about their life and how tired they are as they chose to have 4 pregnancies, the people I do not know that have bumps - is all I see. I see what I never can have, what was taken from me in March. The news one never expects to hear, that your child is so poorly. I never got to hold my 2nd baby whilst his heart beat in my arms, I will never know how his face looks with a smile on it and my 3yr old ( no cousins) will have no family around him when he grows up - no-one to play with in the garden, no one to play with on a holiday once his Mummy and Daddy are deemed not to be playmates by him. He will be the child with an electronic device attached to him, something I vowed I would never give him, as I cannot give him real life playmates. No child to play board games with, to fight over toys, to kick a ball in the garden with.

The enorminty of my loss is just hitting me. As I sit in my bed, hugging a teddy, wishing beyond my wildest dreams I could be giving my baby a rub in my tummy or expressing milk for NICU feeds.

I hate my age, the lack of good eggs, the fact I got pregnant with a baby I could never care for.

Your situation is crap. It is NOT your fault. You are NOT to blame. My DS was 2.5/3 when I had this difficult time. He doesn't remember.

Now, what I say next is not to hurt you. My DS2 died nearly 18 years ago. It is shit. But unless you are clinically depressed and you may well be and you might need some treatment, you do actually have to look forward to the future you have. Of course you are grieving for what might have been and it hurts like hell.

But please, go outside and join in, let your son see you enjoying his game. Having to do it for my son helped me heal.

And never dismiss another miracle. It might not be the one you planned but they pop up unexpectedly.

10yrs ttc and only been pregnant x2 after lost of expensive intervention.
No miracles for me.
My ds happy with dh who prefers not to be around me.

I did see a dr, am not depressed or have pnd - just grief. ( had to see a dr as my could not order usual prescriptions [inhaler etc] without a medication review).

Kesiah, I can feel the pain you describe, it is so so sad, I remember looking at mothers pushing prams so jealous, I even thought they didn't deserve that baby, but... The pain subsided when I had my ds, I had IVF when I was 42yo suppose I am lucky but I have him now and cherish every moment and all those sad times will fade and it's only times like now when I read your post that it brings the hurt back, I promise it does fade in time, but you must allow yourself these bereft feelings they are now what you have to deal with, accept any help given (although I remember just wanting to be left alone to wallow) please accept your feelings, don't fight them, unfortunately it's the process to go through, you can't help it, it will take time, and it's your choice the time it takes. Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Oh love. Your ds and dh are grieving too. Grief affects us differently. I hope you will see the doctor again for support.

My dh just carried on when our son died and I hated him for it for a while. Even now he won't or can't talk about it. It's just his way.

Miracles are all around us and happen in many ways every day. It's just right now you can't see them. Isn't your big boy a miracle? Isn't it a miracle that his laughter has and will again bring you joy?

I feel useless in even posting as I can't offer help. Just wanted to say that I keep thinking of and praying for you. Can you cuddle up to your older DS while he sleeps and just breathe in his perfection? Hoping that that can comfort you a little bit. Xxx

If I had not got pregnant a 2nd time that would have been ok. Yes I tried for a sibling but had had years to accept there was not one. But to have got as far as giving birth, burying my son, having had hope raised, plans formed and to have that cruelly taken away - that is what hurts right now.

I changed my 13yr old car when pregnant - to one that had a boot for a double pushchair ( my ds has physical issues and cannot walk far). The week of the funeral my new car was shunted from behind by a very large vehicle. The big boot crushed, glass shattered. No car. Do I need that car? No - in one week I had two painful reminders of the loss, a car destroyed that I do not need as will never need a double pushchair and a funeral.

Telling my ds when he grows up to yet again play by himself, to tell him to read a book or to think of a game he can play by himself because of my failure to provide a sibling. Showing him his sibling's grave instead of watching him fight over toys. Him being the only child with no one to play with if we ever went on holiday. Telling him he was a miracle but I was only allowed one, and fielding the why did you not give me a sibling question.

No I have read the replies telling me to be thankful for just one child. I read other forums where people go on to have other healthy children and are not 40 or older. I will cease to post. I did not post for sympathy - I know I do not deserve that. I know how few people came to the funeral ( a grand total of 4 family members supported us), how only one person has come to the house, how no family have visited, how no one has rung us up.

Don't stop posting.

Please don't stop posting. Or if you want to no longer visit this thread please send me your email.

I've asked a couple of times where you are as I'd visit, although as I'm an internet random you've duly swiped on.

I can't imagine what it must be like. For those people who can't support you it's their fault, they have no empathy, it's not your fault. None of this is your fault, but I do know that often hearing that can be all the more isolating as it shows how little other people understand.