My baby's funeral this week

[AnxiousKeziah]

And am broken. Devastated. Isolated.
No one wants to know when no baby comes home. Everyone comes when a new life is in a house.
So alone with awful thoughts. My dh is broken, not able to support me at all and I am, just angry with the whole world; raging at the unfairness.

After 10yrs of ttc, infertility treatment - we have a funeral. He never came home. I feel I failed him. Am on maternity leave - had plans for perhaps going to baby groups and making connection, people to meet up with at parks/over coffee, maybe even a friend. Bought tiny baby clothes, nappies, lanisoh and looked up local sling library. Thought about names, what he would look like. Would he look like ds? Got ds baby things our of loft - what not given away. Age 40, my dreams of what for me was normal and what many people have easily, were to be realised.

No longer felt punished - not good enough to have more than one child. Went without holidays, ran an ancient car, no treats to fund medical bills. Life of ds put on hold to try to give him a sibling, to quench that desire in me I could not quash. As soon as had first scan that desire ceased. We were complete. Found out a second boy. That was just fine - any child was a blessing.

Then it all started going wrong - my fears were realised. Baby stillbiirth, too poorly plus had IUGR and on top it was too much for us all to bear.

And this week we bury him. Bury a child we never got to know. Never got to change a nappy for or dress. His brother never met him. We bury our homes and dreams.

I have wanted to yell and shout and scream at everyone who told me, we had a miscarriage and went on to have multiple number of children, or even had a death and had 3 beautiful daughters for eg. Firstly, my son is dead. Nothing can change it. Secondly this is the end of the road - there is no more money for expensive medical bills to try to conceive and maintain a oregnancy. More importantly I obviously have few healthy eggs left.

After 10yrs of longing we are burying our precious son.

And only one person had visited us in the weeks inbetween. How many if I had brought home a baby or had a baby in NICU? People offer support for babies, ignore losses. Feel so alone. Had a card today from a person expecting a baby same time as me; saying not coming to the funeral. No - she has everything I have lost. And so does everyone I see around me, with bumps, pushing prams, with grandparents. We have no family, no grandparents to push a pram here.

I am selfish. One person accused me if behaving as if my one dc was not enough; whilst they had chosen to have 3 healthy children. Why have more than 1 of what she said was true - one is enough.

He needs a sibling. I needed a baby to hold in my arms, to feed, to nurture.

Life decided I needed a funeral. A funeral bill not a childcare bill. A gaping whole in the ground and a gaping wound in my heart that can never heal.

When i lost a baby at 16wks no one mentioned it or asked what had happened, i got a bunch of flowers off work with a condolence card, put them in a vase then that night i smashed them to pieces because i didn't want a poxy bunch of condolence flowers. Every time i mentioned it people changed the subject

I can't even imagine what you are going through loosing Dylan Charles with only weeks to go. I don't think anyone can really understand your loss so they just say nothing instead.

Keziah I remember you from your first post on the prems board. You were so fecking brave holding it together, you deserved Dylan to come home safe and well, you all did. People are lying low because they are cowards, they scarper fast enough if you have a frail sick child, but if you lose your dear child then they are in utter terror because they haven't a clue what to say or do. But there isn't anything they can say or do that will make this better. I am so sorry for you all. A friend from my antenatal group lost her darling daughter at 32 weeks. She writes a blog, After Anabelle, that helped explain to others the toll this most dreadful of losses takes on an entire family. Sending you strength for the funeral and beyond x x

Human beIngs can be shit. Sometimes it seems we are hardwired to run away from what scares us the most.. they are afraid of hurting you but by staying away they make their choice about avoiding their own fear of hurting you more than about what you need.

I gasped reading your post. Your pain is radiating from it. My heart swells and goes out to you, and your Dh and your little Dylan and his big brother. It's just so beyond unfair that there is no word in the English language or any language that could reference it properly. I wish I had a magic wand to undo this tragedy in your lives, that he could be there with you. I wish no one ever had such pain to endure. My heart goes out to you tonight, I hope you can feel some of the energy of all these people who wish it weren't as it is for you x

triplets - sorry for your loss. I believe you - the searing pain will never lessen, or go away.

thumb - my dh has sorted some private counselling for himself. There is no budget for me. There is a bereavement midwife at the hospital who my dh has dealt with - she has never asked to speak to me after I totally lost it on her. Met her once. She rang twice. Not offered anything - she is there for people in subsequent pregnancies. We had more empathy and compassion from my obstetrician than the bereavement midwife or the chaplain - my consultant saw me for my nhs scans and came to see me on labour ward in the middle of labour and after loss.

Starchie - so glad you found Sands helpful for you. There is no local phone line or from what I can gather much local sands. We had a memory box that sands gave the hospital. I am glad you found support there in such a sad time. I cannot believe strangers would want to be anywhere near me.

My dh - has shouted at me. Has cried. Has done nothing for me.

Where are you? I'll come and visit you.

He was real. He was beautiful and yours and his loss must be unimaginable. I am so sorry for your loss and that you have nobody around you to listen to everything you must want to say. You can tell us all about him. Anything you need to. No words are going to make this right but you need people to hear you.

I don't have children so I'll never truly understand how painful life must be for you and your family right now, but thinking of you and your beautifully named little boy and will light a candle for him x

I'm so terribly sorry that Dylan died. Your post was so moving but even with reading it I'm certain I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now.

In 'real life' it can be hard to know what to say or do when faced like something like this. I know it doesn't help you right now but people will not mean to be unsupportive.

Thinking of you.

I am crying.
I cannot believe the posts of strangers.
Tears dripping as I fumble typing.

It is Dylan's funeral and my own dh cannot hold me. Cannot bear to be near me. I have no other family to talk to.

My watch broke when I was in hospital 5 weeks before he died. Literally the numbers of it fell off, are not stick where they should be. My dh promised me a new on to celebrate the birth of our son ( note he does not do presents, sentiments or romantic. A friend told him to buy me something for first child - he gave me something after a scan, I treasure it dearly, it is not of financial value but it touched my skin that held my beating first child) but I have a broken watch for 2nd child. Most poignant. I have put it on tonight; I have no other and never can have a watch again in reality. It is broken inside, literally. Cannot be fixed. Sums up my mood.

My arms are empty. I picture holding him, as I did in hospital. Then I cruelly see him as the toddler he was never destined to be, sat in the living room playing with toys. With light brown curly hair, his back to me. All chubby. Fed with my milk. I cannot see his face, ever. All over my house are reminders of what could have been. A feeding chair, empty and never to be used. A room, emptied hurriedly of its contents but the crib has been got rid of and we never had time to make it into a nursery. Now it is a room with some boxes in it. A tiny room. Which is empty.

Empty and broken.
I have failed to function for my 3yr old. I cannot envisage a future with my dh and one son. I am useless, too old to bear a child.
When I bury Dylan I bury all I hoped for, all I once had. My 3yr old will be lonely and his family home empty now.

My arms literally ache for the tiny baby I had in them. Everything else ceases to matter.

As a poster said the red pain becomes a deep purple bruise. Right now my pain is red, weeping out of my body in uncontrollable gushes that no one can stem.

You have not failed anyone.

No matter how much it hurts, you have to believe that. As awful and as frightening as it may be, these things can just happen. Remember Dylan. Cry for him. But don't think you have failed.

Dylan's big brother will remember him. One day you will be able to tell him all about Dylan. But now, for today? Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to get through this. Keep a diary, post on here, things will be less.... raw. Even if they will never be right.

I am so so so sorry that your DH has separated from you and is unable to help you in this. I am sure he is broken and hurting too - but dear God has the man no compassion for you? Of course you are angry and raging - it's all part of the loss process - but he needs to see through that and help you as well as himself. Am somewhat disgusted that he has only thought to arrange counselling for himself and not for the whole family (it is available, I'm sure)

SANDS may not be able to help you but have you tried Cruse? www.cruse.org.uk/ They might be able to find a bereavement counsellor who would be able to see you all, or help you out free of charge.

Also see the GP if you haven't already done so - they might be able to help more.

Sorry, just saw my first line as I pressed post - meant your DH has emotionally separated from you, not actually left.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and wish you strength in the time ahead. I will keep you and your family and your beautiful baby son in my thoughts and prayers.

I am so so sorry to hear your news. I know it is a double grief coming after infertility treatment as it takes away future hope. Unfortunately we have been there too. In a few weeks there will be chinks of light in your life that will grow but the pain will linger for ever. People don't know what to say and stay away or are clumsy and say hurtful things. It is even harder when your Dh can't help because they are in such a different place with their grief. Could the infertility clinic help with counselling? They are ment to offer it free for those going through treatment which might be stretched to now? I had counselling through our clinic and I remember wanting to dwell on and talk about all the morbid details which I don't think anyone else could have coped with.

This might seem odd but can I also congratulate you on your darling son. He may not be with you but he will always be your son and you will always be his mother and you deserve congratulations for this new little life who had such a short stay.

I am so sorry to read of the loss of your beautiful boy Dylan. Sending you a huge hug and thinking of you, your dh and your son. Please try to be kind to yourself during this traumatic time.. Xxxxx

Dylan Charles is a beautiful name! I will think of your little boy and say his name. He lived, he existed, he is part of your family. He will not be forgotten - by you, or by any of us who read this thread.

I'm so sorry this happened and I hope that you and your husband can grieve together for your son.

I am so so very sorry that Dylan Charles didn't get to come home to his loving family, to you. I cannot begin to understand how you can cope with losing him. Just know that he will never be forgotten by people here who didn't get to meet him but who will continue to think of you all.

People have written beautiful things here, much better than I could.
My thoughts and prayers are sent to you.

How very sad, I'm so sorry people are flaking on you, how ignorant.
Dylan will always be your second child and as someone else says, you won't get over his loss, you will get used to it and it will be less encompassing
Your older son is just 3? It will help that he needs his mummy so much still

So bitterly unfair OP. I'm so sorry. Dylan Charles is a beautiful and very cool name. You didn't fail him at all, it was not your fault and it is very special to be loved like you love/loved him.

Thinking of you and your family.

Sweetheart I honestly don't know what to say

I wish to God you weren't going through this. Truly. It is a worst nightmare.

Thinking of you and Dylan and your family and wishing you strength. Wish there was something, anything I could offer to ease your pain xx

Keziah, Congratulations on the birth of your second son, Dylan Charles. And huge, huge, condolences on his death. I don't know what to say to you. You write beautifully about everything you feel, please, if you find it helps even a little bit to write to strangers, carry on letting it out here. Or keep writing for yourself alone.
All I can do is echo what others have said here - please go and talk to someone about the whole agony you have been through and are going through.
It isn't a reflection on you that you feel so isolated by your terrible loss - those around you who care feel helpless and don't know what to do or say. Please try Sands again, is there not someone on the end of the phone who will listen to you? Failing that, and I know it may sound extreme, but the Samaritans are there to listen. I have spoken to them after a bereavement. They just let me talk.
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but, to be trite, this too will pass. Very slowly, over a long time and after a lot of mourning, but you will get through it eventually. The funeral will be the first, terrible step. Massive hugs from a distant stranger.

I'm so so sorry to read about your loss; your images of Dylan Charles are absolutely beautiful and he will be with you each and every day, living on in the love you so obviously have for him

You are amazingly strong and have survived ten agonising years - you have not failed, you have suffered a catastrophic loss that was not in your control

It's possible your husband is distancing himself from you because he feels he's failed you and Dylan; men see their role as protector of the family and he may feel as though he failed to do that.

Reach out to each other in the way that you must have over the last ten years in your fight for another baby; to get through that makes you a wonderfully special couple

Sending hugs and strength

I can feel your deep anger and despair with your husband. It feels like you are totally alone when you most need to be held, and he is retreating. I have no experience of your loss but I have known what it's like to have the ones you most need retreat when you are at your most raw. It is an awful experience.

I don't know why your husband is behaving like this, but I do know men can harden and isolate themselves from others when in pain. This is no help to you, and won't change your disappointment and feelings of abandonment and nor should it, but it does mean he is probably not thinking straight. He has lost Dylan too, but he has not known him as much as you do, he never felt him move in his belly.

It is okay not to be functioning now, it would be very rare for someone to be able to. I do not know your loss, but I have seen women on here who do say time after time they would not go back to these early days after losing a child for anything. You are in a kind of hell. Right now just letting yourself feel as you feel and getting through each day is enough.

My hopes..
My dreams.
Never to be realised. Everything so bleak and futile.

Each day is an agonising amount of time to survive just to get through for a few hours sleep before it starts again.

What if??
I had had the family I wanted and had a different summer ahead. A summer of awe, wonder, seeing beauty in the smallest things - just like a young baby does. Feeling love so powerful it comes from my deepest resources, stretched to 2 boys, complete at last.

Reality.
Life is blank, devoid of joy. I feel already like someone watching life pass them by. Everywhere I turn are bumps and pushchairs. Everyone I know has 2 or more children. No c-section pain to remind me of my baby, instead a pain inside that cannot be removed and I did not want. A life I did not want stretches ahead. Life is cruel - I had a positive future dangling in front of me, fulfilment of promise lie ahead. To be crushed. To always be winter. To be my 3yr olds only playmate until such a time he has no desire to play with me. Then he too will feel the loneliness I have. I will die and as an adult he will have no one to support him, reach out to him; that is evident by total lack of family support at this time. I have taken away his playmate, his future, his chances of joy too.

I will never get over the what ifs. What if I had deserved joy, peace, happiness. What if I could have been like so many around me. What if I could have been happy with just one son and never had to go through this nightmare not knowing what might have been.

As I bury Dylan, already lost to me, I bury everything I had hoped for. Everything I needed.