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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Anyone around? Not strong right now

78 replies

foundintranslation · 29/09/2006 23:30

(And not entirely sober, either. But that's by the by)

I am very optimistic, really, usually, but I can't be strong and optimistic all the time. What if I can't get pg again? What if I get pg again and miscarry again? And again? What if there really is an underlying problem?

I haven't really had time to feel the full sadness about this that is going on under the surface. My life demands a lot of me atm. Keeping it together is important.

I'm not sleeping well - there are a lot of fears. Fear that something will happen to ds, that something will happen to us. I wish I knew what it was like to have a mother who would support me through all of this. What is it like?

OP posts:
Original poster
foundintranslation · 07/10/2006 21:15

Thank you. Megg, congratulations I hope you have a lovely and healthy pregnancy.

Greeny

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Original poster
foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 16:46

We have fairly close friends whose baby arrived today. Am very happy for them, have made up and sent off a parcel, but there is this tinge of sadness to it for me. Can't bear atm to think about how many weeks I would be now, etc.

And every time I see a woman with a bump and a buggy or a toddler/small child, I turn and stare - it's hard.

Am very impatient for my period.

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hertsnessex · 10/10/2006 18:53

hi fit,

you are going through a horrid time, one that does ease (as you know) but it is hard every time.

thinking of you.

Cx

(CarlyP - change my name)

Jossie · 10/10/2006 19:32

FIT I know how hard it is, the wife of a friend of mine gave birth about 4 days after my 2nd m/c, I still haven't seen the baby and sent DH round at the time with a present (friend knew about m/c and understood). I can speak to him about his new baby now, but it has taken a time (2 months on now) and even now it tends to be passing conversation so as to not make things awkward rather than full on genuine interest.
Hope you start to feel better, I know that everybody on MN has really helped and I feel a lot better than in August.

fortyplus · 10/10/2006 20:04

New to mumsnet today. Some of these messages broke my heart. FIT you're doing just the right thing by sharing your pain. I've seen so many people go through similar and 'coping' doesn't come into it - you just have to feel the warmth that others are trying to send you and take each day as it comes despite the fact that many people won't understand what you're going through. Trouble with m/c, pg and birth is that there are no certainties, are there? Yes you're lucky to have a healthy child already, but that makes you even more acutely aware of your loss, doesn't it? Hope things go well next time xxx

Original poster
foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 21:16

Thank you all very much for your kind words.

I am finding this bloody hard tonight. Haven't been so low since the immediate aftermath. I am painfully broody and the thought 'what if I never have another baby?' keeps creeping up. Self-indulgent, I know.

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Greensleeves · 10/10/2006 21:28

No, not self-indulgent at all. Of course that possibility crosses your mind. You're still traumatised, you're exhausted, you have been coping with colossal sadness - and you are being so brave, FIT - don't be unkind to yourself for having those thoughts and feelings. It must be so hard.

Marina · 10/10/2006 21:33

FIT, it's not self-indulgent, it's normal after all you have been through.
We'd be very worried indeed about you if you didn't feel like this sometimes. Your body is still recovering physically and emotionally from a traumatic experience.
Cut yourself some slack and be as "self-indulgent" as you like on here. Whatever is going through your mind will have gone through someone else's before, and I mean that. You are not going mad, or "failing to cope", or "wallowing", trust me.

Original poster
foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 21:34

Oh Greeny, I'm a bit of a mess. (Inwardly only. Outwardly much as ever).

Thanks for listening.

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Original poster
foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 21:35

Thank you too Marina.

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Original poster
foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 21:37

I will be fine eventually, of course I will. This sheer physical broodiness and desperation to have my babies back is scary, though.

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Greensleeves · 10/10/2006 21:39

Sweetheart, you're allowed to be a mess. Maybe you need to let yourself be a mess for a while. What you have been through is massive

I don't know what to suggest to help, but I am really feeling for you. Have a big hug ((((FIT))))).

Marina · 10/10/2006 21:39

It really is a chasm, isn't it xxx

Megglevache · 10/10/2006 21:40

Message withdrawn

Original poster
foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 21:45

alas Megg we are saving for insecure times soon ahead so can't really justify the spending on a massage etc. Also have been helpding dh with funding applications and now semester starts next week so time is short. I am having a nice white wine tonight though.

I will just have to hang in there, take it one day, one hour at a time. Am a bit crap at talking to RL friends in situations like this, but feel very in need of talking, so you are all helping, very much. Thank you.

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Marina · 10/10/2006 21:47

I had a fabulous psychotherapist during my subsequent pregnancy FIT and she was so reassuring about "relaxing" into the feeling crap and low thing.
Her view was that you have all this grief and anger in you and you have to work through it all so that the scalding intensity eases with time.

She gave me the permission I needed to have to feel paranoid and hateful sbout things in my life and never once made me feel judged. Apart from hugs, and virtual merlot, and the distant prospect of unqualified happiness for you in the future, I wish I could conjure up a fragment of how much BETTER I felt after an hour with her, for you.
Do you think you could get access to some helpful counselling local to you?
I think we are all wishing you were not im Deutschland but a bit more close.

Original poster
foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 21:48

I looked at pg and newborn photos of ds today. Such a beautiful time, it made me very happy, but also very sad, for the fear that it won't happen for me again. And the not knowing what's ahead, how long ttc will take, how many more mcs I might have to go through. Completely irrational - but very rational too.

ds is so, so, SO lovely. Absolutely wonderful, adorable, perfect. I am so lucky to have him.

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Original poster
foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 21:51

Marina - you've set me off, I am in floods. What a lovely post.

You are very wise - I do need to 'relax' into it, give it a bit of free rein (catharsis) - I know it will involve dealing with the unfairness of it all, and feeling bitter, and because of that am just so scared of falling into the Chasm-Of-Eventually-Ending-Up-Like-My-Mother.

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Original poster
foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 21:55

Counselling - over here it would probably end up being a full-blown therapy, and I'm not sure I want or need that. It would so help to have some time and space just to flop down, as it were, and talk, though. Just get through this critical period. That is a big thing I'm holding onto - that even now I can see the other side, that there will be a time when I feel better, even if what I fear comes true.

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Greensleeves · 11/10/2006 00:03

You will never "end up like your mother". You have far too much humanity, gentleness and integrity. Have faith in yourself, FIT, none of what's happened to you has been your fault.

And I do agree emphatically with Marina about allowing yourself to relax into the feelings that you are having, however towering and hideous they are, because it is a vital part of the healing process. I can't find words, I am too clumsy, but Marina puts it very well.

I am going to bed now, but I am lighting a candle for you (safely, in a proper candle holder ) I wish you were a bit nearer, I could come and make a proper fuss of you.

I hope you get some proper sleep tonight.

GS xx

hub2dee · 11/10/2006 07:40

fit - great piece. It's your own text, right ? V. powerful.

Original poster
foundintranslation · 11/10/2006 08:02

Thank you Greeny - and for your email.
Not a great night as ds was pretty wakeful - now off with him to spend 2 days with a friend and help look after her ds. Will answer when I get back.

Thanks hub - yes, it's mine. (PS fab album of C on other thread )

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throckenholt · 11/10/2006 08:08

hi FIT - haven't read the whole thread - but just wanted to comment.

You are going through a grieving process - it is never logical and all sorts of odd things upset you - but it does get better over time. crying helps, getting angry helps - sometimes - it lets out the emotions and helps you come to terms with the now, rather than the might have been.

And trust your body - you are young - it has made 3 (that you are aware of) proto-babies - 2 it got a bit wrong - one is your little boy. It sounds like it is odds on that it will manage to do that again sometime (hopefully soon). And it is an odd observation - the body seems to do these things much better when we let it get on with it without worrying about it (much like breast feeding and expressing in my experience .

hub2dee · 11/10/2006 08:09

Excellent stuff, fit. (And thanks re: C )

Take care.

Juicylucythe2nd · 12/10/2006 12:34

FIT. I feel as if I know exactly how you're feeling and what you're going through.

Your detailed post made me cry. It brought back all the memories of my missed mc.

It's early days. Cry as much as you need to. It does help. I tried to be strong and not grieve, but it caught up with me in the end.

Believe in yourself. You will come terms with this. (I don't think you ever really "get over it")