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Original poster

How do I help DD1?

33 replies

Yorkiegirl · 30/08/2006 23:37

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OP posts:
misdee · 30/08/2006 23:40

i think lotsw of reassurence is it.

{{{{{{}}}}} poor dd1.

bubble99 · 30/08/2006 23:41

I'm not sure I can offer any useful advice, YG. But I couldn't pass by without posting.

Can the girls sleep with you? If only for the short-term? If they feel secure, knowing that mummy will be there for them when they wake up, will this help DD1 to cope with what, for any child even in normal circumstances, is a huge step?

mears · 30/08/2006 23:44

Hi Yorkiegirl - I don't have any personal experience to be able to help but I wondered whether you have looked at the Childbereavement Trust

I have been at study day run by the organisation and it was excellent. Perhaps they could help.

psychomum5 · 30/08/2006 23:48

I am sending huge sympathies, and hugs...this is so very sad for you all.

how about doing a memory box with her of her daddy. help her write her best memories of him, and also her fears.

put in anything that she finds special....anything. it may be nothing of huge importance to anyone else,it may even be a leaf that her collected with her, or a pebble from the beach.

pictures too....ones of her with him, and also ones she has drawn of him or for him.

maybe also some item of his clothing....and his favourite song.

anything that can go in there will be something that will help her stay connected, and it will also be a place for her to go when she needs ot feel close.

i hope this helps.

xxx

sallystrawberry · 30/08/2006 23:51

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Californifrau · 30/08/2006 23:54

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Californifrau · 30/08/2006 23:55

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harpsichordcarrier · 30/08/2006 23:57

yes, I would suggest she might want to mve in with you for a while, if you can handle it?
I mentioned on another thread, my dear friend was in your situation last year. her ds1 still comes into her in the night sometimes.
just lots of cuddles and calm. lots of adult time with the other important people in her life - friends, grandparents? can you have some of her friends to play, just to give her some chance to distract herself?

We often talk about his daddy, just in a matter of fact way, but looking through photos and so on.
he is a little younger than your dd. We also tak about the funeral sometimes, and about the lovely things he used to do with his daddy.
I don't know if this appeals to you but what about art therapy - or just getting her to draw how she is feeling, or use collage. I use that professionally sometimes (for adults) and I find it can be very helpful
I spoke to my friend about your situation today, and she said the WAY group is more active in some counties than others, whereabouts are you YG?

harpsichordcarrier · 30/08/2006 23:59

I mean sleep with you when i say "move in." sorry that wasn't very clear.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 00:00

Psychomums idea's all good. Memory box, a photo where she can pick a frame to put it in, finding a bright star in the sky that she can say is Daddy and say goodnight to each night.

The other important thing is that whilst you need to be strong for your girls, you need to make sure you deal with your grief too hun (ie not brush it aside or bury it). They will learn so much from you and I think this may help - to see how you deal with it.

xxx

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 31/08/2006 00:01

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OP posts:
Astrophe · 31/08/2006 00:01

I don't have any ideas but just wanted to say am still praying for you and will pray specifically for your DD1 over the next few days.

I don't know if you would find it at all helpful, but if you have any specific prayer points or any practical needs, then please CAT me - I am in Derby so not too far I think. I know you don't know me and you have lots of friends supporting you but this is a genuine offer nonetheless.

Oh, just thought of an idea, could you try giving you daughter something comforting to say over and over to herself when she feels alone - like a mantra? eg. "Mummy and Daddy will always love me" or whatever you have been saying to her to comfort her? I used to do this when I was little and was afraid.

KristinaM · 31/08/2006 00:05

YG - we got lots of good info from the child bereavement trust that mears mentions ( link below) .They sent me a pack of info and detaisl of local conselling resources for kids.

wistons wish have a website and a helpline

WinstonsWish

Soem of the things really helped my DD who was 5 when her big brother died last year. She really liked the memory box - but that was for later on.

I expect S is still in shock and disbelief. Does she still think her dad is coming back, even thoiugh you tell her he's not?

Behaviousral probelsm are a normal grief reaction in kids of this age. teh school SHOULD knwo thsi but i suspect they might need you ( or soem other family member) to "remind" them. Our DD school were very kind but didnt have much of a clue

KristinaM · 31/08/2006 00:05

sorry for bad typing its late & i'm up Bf baby

harpsichordcarrier · 31/08/2006 00:06

Sorry, another thought about the friends thing. with my friends little boy I think it was helpful to him to speak to his own friends about it, in a simple way. He is very close to my dd1 (they have seen each other two/three times a week since they were born) and they sometimes have little chats about it, in a very matter of fact sort of way. It can be quite painful to overhear but very healing for him to be able to talk about his daddy. Might this be possible?

We watched The Lion King yesterday (not planned or anything) but it started a conversation about what had happened to his daddy.

thinking of you HC xx

KristinaM · 31/08/2006 00:11

info from child bereavement trust to help kids

going back to school

understanding your feelings

info for adults on ways of grieving
here

KristinaM · 31/08/2006 00:16

You are right about the books BTW YG, we struggled to find anything suitabel for a 5yo. Also you need to find books that fit in with your beliefs ( i mean your beliefs about what happens when soemone dies)

tallulah · 31/08/2006 14:00

When my dad died we called CRUSE for DS1 who was 8 at the time. She came out to us once a week for as long as he needed and it really helped.

sallystrawberry · 31/08/2006 20:24

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KristinaM · 31/08/2006 21:56

How was she at school today, Yorkiegirl?

harrisey · 31/08/2006 22:28

Yorkiegirl, dont really have any advice but couldn't let this pass without posting.
It sounds like you and your dd1 are doing so well. I know that sounds trite, but the change in behaviour you are noticing is probably a good sign (my GP dh agrees), as at least she is reacting to losing her daddy - it would be so much harder if she was just being silent or not reacting at all.
Just wanted you to know we are thinking of and praying for you all here, lots of love harrisey xxx

hewlettsdaughter · 31/08/2006 22:34

YG, on the books front - have you seen this one ?

jollymum · 31/08/2006 22:47

YG-have been thinking of you and your girls. You are such a wonderful mum and I hope that some of the suggestions have helped. Time heals they say, but sometimes a word/thought/sound/smell can start things off. My mum dies 20 yrs ago this week and sometimes it hurts so much. Let your DD talk, to anyone that will listen. Let her have pictures of him because time takes away the memory sometimes and images blur. Video footage with words will be useful later when she has grown enough to listen.

BUT where are you in this? When my mum died, I got married six months after, spent two years listening to my dad and looking after him and everyone thought I was strong. Until one day I cracked and literally fell into bed and pieces. Be on your own to grieve, laugh, cry or get angry. I don't know at what stage you're at but the stages will come. Mumsnet is here but you need someone who you can cry with, shout at etc and who will come back the next day until one day you wake up and don't feel like life is killing you.Your DD is reacting and that's good. She'll test you and maybe push you away. She must be scared that you too will leave her and not say goodbye. My kids when they were little always looked for stars at night, rainbows, seagulls?('cos Nanny was scared of them) and white feathers. I was always told that when you see a white feather, that someone you've lost is watching you. Maybe you could send daddy letters on helium ballons, once a week. He doesn't have to answer but you'll know that he will be watching them. School needs to be supersensitive as well.

Sending you as much love as I can on here xxx

jollymum · 31/08/2006 23:09

BUMP

izzybiz · 01/09/2006 01:57

When my niece died, my other niece was three.
Amyjade bought her the most fantastic book called "Muddles,puddles and sunshine".

In this book they have spaces to write about themselves, and the person they miss, they can draw and stick photos in.
then every couple of pages there are activities to do, that take there minds off things for a while.

They end up with their owm memory book that they have done themselves.
HTH.xx