How do I help DD1?

[Yorkiegirl]

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Hi YorkieGirl ...
This must be such a hard time for you. Presumably the school is aware of the fact that your DH passed away recently? Is your DD the oldest so the first of the family to go to that school? School could really be the right thing for her right now. It will take her mind off things and get her into a new routine. A little boy in DS's class lost his dad earlier this year and IMO the school and the teacher were fantastic. Understanding and very practical while at the same time treating little J the same as before. For example, J, for a long time didn't want to be left at school so his mum was able to come into the classroom and be a 'helper' ... so she was there where he could see her but he still got on with his normal school day and the teacher just treated J's mum as a normal parent help. After a few days or so, mum would pop out for an hour then come back and so eventually after a couple of weeks J was able to go to school with no worries. She said it was almost like he regressed to toddlerdom and separation anxiety and he needed to be eased in as if he were starting nursery again.
J is still pretty sensitive (dissolves into tears very easily if things don't go his way) but his little friends (my DS included) seem very in tune with J and his emotions and seem to watch out for him a bit more than they would otherwise.
Big long ramble ... it may help ... but do make sure that the school is totally up to speed with what has happened and so they can support your DD.
{{{}}}

Yorkie- thinking about you and your dds a lot at the moment as I guess are lots of others.
I think school will give your dd a structure , a new challenge and a place to be just another kid, so although she will be very tired I think she might cope with it all surprisingly well. A lot of schools have counsellors or run nurture groups to support children emotionally so you might get some support there for her. My guess is that she will contain herself at school and let it all out at home which is what the vast majority of children do.
When dd's grandma died, she found it really helpful to draw pictures which I laminated and we took up to the burial ground where dg is interred. I asked her what she would tell Grandma if she were here and like others here we made memory books.
You have mentioned books- I know you have the Mog one, but what about others like Badger's parting gift, or Always and Forever ?
The sleep one is tricky. Do youstill have your baby monitor.. I used to like just listening to the snuffles and breathing sounds coming from ds. Could you use it the otherway round so that she can hear you sleeping if she wakes up in the night?
I also had a lovely carousel light for my two which provided a soft light of flickering patterns and helped to overcome their fear of darkness. I might have it still in the loft it you felt it might help.
I wish I could do something more tangible.. but hope all goes well Tues am in particular.

yorkiegirl Please contact the Child Berevement Trust as suggested by mears.

They really are a fantastic organisation.

Not only do they help Parents(like myself) who've lost a child, but they also help children who've lost a parent.

Give them a call, you won't regret it.

They will have lots of suggestions to help you to support your daughters, as well as to help yourself.

Also help her to make the memory box that was suggested by psychomum.

I made one when i lost my son and it helped me so much.

You could even give her one of her Daddys favourite tops to cuddle in bed.

Or you could stitch one upand make it into a cushion, get her to help.

Most important is to let her talk as much as she wants to.

Also, children often speak through pictures, so you could get her to draw as much as she wants.

Hope this helps in some small way.

Take care.

When dh's best friend died, all his friends put together a memory book for his ds. We typed out stories we remembered about his dad and raided our photo albums for pictures of him going back many years. His ds keeps it under his bed. Sometimes he just wants to look at the pictures, other times he wants to hear the stories. I think he likes to feel that even though his dad has died, he isn't forgotten and he is still a very important part of all our lives. Perhaps something like this would help your dd. Would your friends and family feel up to contributing?
It must be so hard for her to understand what has happened and for her to articulate how she feels about it. I'm not surprised that she feels angry and confused. Something like the memory book might be a way to get a conversation started and help her start to work through her grief. We also found the book "No Matter What" by Debi Gliori very helpful. It talks about love being forever and that love never dies "no matter what". Very comforting for young children.
YG, I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your dds are in my thoughts.{{{{hug}}}}

Hello YG, been thinking of you alot.
Can only add to the brillent advice here by saying that my cousin died [ suddenley but after being ill] leaving two small sons, her partner found the books about death aimed at young children were a god send, because it opened up communication and his children [after reading the books with them] started to talk and ask questions so he was able to answer things and broach subjuct at their pace.
Also talk to her new school and your heatlh visitor and take all the help offered from friends and family.
I can understand how she would be terrified of waking up and finding you gone too as this has been horrific for such small children to deal with.
Your a wondreful mum we can all see that through your posts and you will get them through this sad time.

YG I have no suggestions either I am afraid but could not keep silent.
I send you and your girls a big hug. I've been thinking about you a lot. I've never spoken to you before but you seem a fantastic person and a great mum. be strong. x

Yorkiegirl I have been following your posts with great sadness and ave been continually amazed by your courage and drive. I don't have any suggestions to make, but you can download some useful advice for your situation on the Parentline website publications by finding the coping with change and loss publication.
Hope this helps. Will be thinking of you.