My beautiful daughter has gone

[cathpip]

Pippa passed away in the early hours of this morning after a viral infection led to blood poisoning, she was 3 years old. Her and her big brother were so excited as 10 days ago I had a baby. I am so utterly lost and heartbroken.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Try to keep going for your lovely boys and let your beautiful daughter live on in your heart and memories.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you and your family have gone through. xxx

It's Saturday, mouseface goes home today. We have had some great chats a bottle of wine and a fair few tears! but I'm so happy she came. I went back to the ward Pippa died on on Thursday, I got 2 foot in the door and froze. I just handed the nurse the books I had bought for the ward and ran away sobbing, I needed to go though as I feel better about it now, the books the ward had - had seen far better days and Pippa loved her books. Today is another large hurdle for us, myself and my husband both met whilst playing hockey 10 years ago, there is a large tournament at the hockey club and we are going, the place will be full of all our hockey friends, if we don't go the fear is that we will run away from them forever. It's hard to believe that it's been a month already, life has returned to normal for everyone else while we are left struggling to find our "new normal". The pain and the heartache are still as fresh, and we know this will never ease, you just get used to living with it. Our focus now is ordering the bench for the playpark, over £600 pounds was donated at the funeral, funnily enough the parish council are being very accommodating to our wishes on style, we may also have enough for a tree.

Always thinking of you cathpip. You are walking Fuchs an incredibly hard road yet doing it with such grace.

Oops Fuchs was meant to say such. I really need to take more care.

Hello beautiful.

What a wonderful few days I had with Cathpip and her family, friends and others! :)

Cathpip - both you and your DH spoke so openly to me, my heart was aching as you spoke to me, and him too, you are both looking for a way out of the cyclical pain that surrounds you all every day.

Aubs has lost a little sister and the gorgeously yummy Elliott (who I said would be over 12lb - clever boy - but didn't think by that much!) a big sister.

Thank you so much for sharing those few days with me, lunch out, fed at our lovely friend's house, a glass of wine that seemed to release so much of your pain, anger, distress and frustration.

It was a pleasure coming to see you all and today the wonderful photo of my Fairy Goddaughter arrived, fully dressed in her blue, sparkly Princess dress, the biggest smile on her cute little face.

Nemo saw it and cried saying that he missed his Pippa so much. He asked my DH tonight if he missed Pippa too and DH said more than you'll ever know. Nemo said "Good, I don't want to be the only one here that misses her so I can tell you when my heart hurts"

All of that from a five year old with SN/LD. He said tonight that we have to put the picture in a pink princess frame, just like Pip pips was.

Anyway, the few days that I spent with you and your boys in the house, were amazing. Tears, hugs, talking, holding one another, letting the fear out, the emotional stabbing that hits us at 3, 4, 5 am, we let it out.

You are amazing sweetheart and I love you to the moon and back and always will.

Seeing how your close neighbours and friends are pulling together to ease the pain for the family. It's lovely and serene.

You are getting stronger with each day that passes and each night that you see her when you close you eyes, you see her. Whether that's in a bad way or her running around the garden with Aubs, ice creams everywhere, the trampoline covered in toys and picnic food....... with every time you close your eyes, you take another step forward, another step toward the healing process.

Thank you, so very much for letting me hold Elliott until he needed feeding, one thing that I can't do!!

And for making me feel so at home. You are a wonderful family, strong, genuine and one that I'm pleased to be a part of. I love you all so much, you have each other and of course, you have us.

Forever. xxx

I can't even begin to imagine your pain or offer anything that could even get close, you are amazingly strong and so so brave!
Rip pippa xxxx

Mouse, that is the most beautiful post. You have me in tears. I feel like I know princess pip.

Cathpip, you are in my thoughts at this horrendous time.

Echoing mojito... Cathpip, thinking of you daily. Mouseface- how wonderful it must be to have a true friend like you. I just hope that if I am ever walking in Cathpips shoes I would have someone like you there

Cathpip every post you make there's waves of your grief coming over and I can only say how incredibly sorry I am for your loss. I am thinking of you and your family, thank you for describing your beautiful daughter so intimately....she sounds amazing and gorgeous. The bench sounds wonderful.xxxxxxxxxxxx

Do you know what kind of tree you'd like? x

Thank you Mojito :)

The thing is, every little girl with pure, almost white, blonde soft hair that I see in the street, was Pippa.

And I assume you feel the same. :(

I went into town today to get some things I have needed to get for ages but if I'm honest, I just haven't wanted to leave the house, much like yourself really. I saw Pippa a lot today.

I see my mum everywhere I look some days, she's in my head the moment that I wake and yet other days, she doesn't enter my mind until I hear a song we both loved or something comes on the tv that we both used to watch. Triggers can be good or bad.

The thing is, it's the memories of Pippa, even the times when she did something she shouldn't have, that can become funny tales of "Do you remember when........"

You need to have times (meltdowns) of utter despair, tears, anger, fear, guilt, and the feeling of absolutely sickening pain, simply to start to help you to heal. Gently. Slowly.

Not to forget. Not to let go of her. Not to 'move on'........... just to always have happy thoughts about Pippa. Nice memories to share with people who want to share her life with you all.

The only thing that you should try to forget, is the way she looked when you saw her afterwards. You know that wasn't 'your' Pippa. You can forget about that.

There will never be another Pippa, but the Pippa that you had and still hold in your hearts, will remain with you and everyone whose life she touched forever in the form of very 'happy thoughts' :)

There is no time limits, no hard and fast rules where grief is concerned. No path that you have to take. Just why?

Trust your own instincts and hold the people that you love as much as you can. Lean on those around you when you need to, accept the help that's offered if you want to, don't if not, no-one will be offended, everyone understands.

Just do what feels right.

Mouse xxx

We as a family have had a lovely weekend enjoying camping and walking in the North York Moors, going into the dales is too much at the moment, Pippa seems to be everywhere there. Now it's Monday and I feel guilty for enjoying the weekend and the start of another lonely week filled me with dread so I have kept Aubrey home from school, I just need noise around me today... It's been just over 5 weeks and I feel that I am forgetting things, her voice, her phrases and even how tall she was, this upsets me more as I don't want to forget anything about her. Aubrey also asked when she was coming back from heaven as he misses playing with her. It's all just very very wrong.

Hi Cathpip

Throughout what you're going through, you need times of respite. I know the guilt of which you speak, I still struggle with it and frequently will burst into tears after having a pleasant time.

But respite is just that, it's not forgetting, its not denying, it's just changing your circumstances to give your body and mind chance to recoup. (That's what I keep telling myself anyway).

Guilt is always present whether you want it to be or not, sometimes you have to let it be there, along with all the other feelings, sit alongside them (I struggle with that too).

Pippa will always always be part of your life, although not in the way you want her to be, she will be there.

Have you thought about writing down the little things you remember about her, what she said, funny things she did? Not a novel just one lines or words, I've been doing that about all the things I remember. No pressure, only as and when they come up.

You're right it is so very wrong and unfair.

I hope you don't think I was trying to offer advice or tell you want to do - I was only speaking from my experience and everything you've said really resonated with me, I struggle with what you mentioned and wanted to say how I try to cope with it.

I hope you have a gentle but noisy day with your DC

xxx

I wish there was something I could say. I've read this whole thread and am now crying. I don't know you or your family, cathpip, but my heart goes out to you. Blessings on your beautiful little Pippa. There are people all over the world thinking of you, and her. xx

TheDayMyLife - A beautiful post :) xxx

You describe exactly how Cath has told me she feels. And also myself when I lost my triplets. It's the emptiness, the guilt, the silence. The desperate need to remember and hear the sound of Pippa's voice is what Cath can't get over.

I hope she won't mind me saying.

I totally understand why Aubrey asked when Pippa was coming back, Nemo my son with SN/LD keeps saying that Pippa has been gone too long now and he's worried that she might get lost trying to get back to her house and her mummy and daddy.

It's killing me listening to him telling me that. Pippa was his little playmate, more of his age group because of his additional complex needs. She was and will always remain in our hearts as a bright little spark, a pretty little princess who loved pink, princesses and all things Disney.

The guilt comes and goes, washes over you, like waves of uncertainty, you feel so wrong, so guilt that you have had a good day, which is something that is almost 'normal' and therefore you feel like shit because you've enjoyed your day instead of sitting in her room sobbing your heart out.

Wishing Pipps to be back. I'd give anything to have her back sweetie, I really would.

Thank you for my post! And thank you for putting me up.

I love you all so much and will be back soon to see you all again, after my Pain Management Course.

Take it a day, minute, moment at a time, do what you have to, live each day as best you can. You are amazing my darling friend. You are keeping afloat even though you really just want to run....stop the world and get off from the pain hitting you..... I'm so sorry darling lady, you are a wonderful mother. You can see Pippa anytime you like, just close your eyes my darling, just close your beautiful eyes.

We'll speak soon Cath,

Mousey xxx

I am so sorry for the loss of Pippa. I lost my DD Celia's who was 3.5 in August 2011. She died in an accident falling from a building. My elder son was 5 at the time and I had a 4 month old baby. I have so much I have learned. Things that have helped and things that have hurt. If you feel that it would be helpful I am very happy to chat on the phone. Otherwise, I have just put a summary of what worked for me on LilytheSavage's thread about the loss of her son. I'm not sure how to link to it though.. Love and strength to you today xx

Strangely, we also used the money from Celia's funeral for something for our village playground too. We now have a beautiful little house there with a sign that says Celia's House and a boat and a train too. We applied for a local authority grant which doubled the money we had raised.
It was a very sad day when it all arrived but once it had happy children playing in it all it did help and for me has been a more personal and fitting memorial for our playful 3 year old than a gravestone.

A lovely week with my sister and nieces has ended with a call from the coroners office saying that Pippas post mortum report and full death certificate will not be finalised till mid/late July, when we were told end of May. No real explanation either which left me upset and angry, luckily I used to work for a coroner and he has explained all -only 2 neuropathologists in country, so 4 months is about right and we should not have been told 6 weeks......
Days are becoming blurred, some fly by others drag on. Sunday was a bad day for dh, myself and ds got the brunt of his snappy short temper which I didn't need as i long for the weekend so we can all be together and the house can feel full and loud.
We are off to Scotland tomorrow for some much needed family time, I hope the weather holds!

Cathpip, you're in my mind a lot because my friend had a baby and the next day her 3 year old daughter died. She had been unwell for a few months.

We have never forgotten her because she is still so much a part of us today - more than 20 years later.

My heartfelt condolences to all of those who've suffered the worst loss possible.

I have really struggled this week, I did not think that my eldest's return to school would hurt so much. The quietness and loneliness that has descended on the house again is frightening, and has given me dreadful flashbacks of that awful night and morning and her funeral. I hate the mask that I have to wear when I leave the house, I hate the fact that when random people coo over Elliott and ask if he has siblings I lie and say Pippa is at nursery, I hate that I can be fine one minute and then a crying mess the next with no warning at all. See not a good week, the only lovely thing that has happened is a neighbour dropped round a bottle of my fave fizz and said "just to let you know we are all still thinking of you, you and Pippa have not been forgotten" cue floods of tears from me......
Sorry for rambling, I needed to get that down.

How any parent copes with the death of a child is beyond me.

Your world must come to a grinding halt whilst, outside the window, others carry on as normal as if nothing has happened - which for them it hasn't.

I remember after the death of my father I wanted to shout at people to stop carrying on as if nothing had happened. Didn't they know that I was grieving????

I hope and pray that as days go on you find more strength to cope with the fact that Pippa has gone. Your pain must be so acute and raw that, at the moment, no-one can say or do anything to really help. Gestures like that of your neighbour are so thoughtful as they show that people do care - but they often don't want to ask outright "how are you doing" as they don't want to upset you.

Hugs and warmest wishes from an internet stranger xxx

Aw Cathpip, it must be so awful feeling like the world has moved on without you. Makes me think of that poem 'Stop all the clocks, tell the dogs not to bark….'

Thank god for lovely neighbours.

Another hug for you from an internet stranger xxx

I am struggling, big time. I keep seeing my husband in a heap on the hospital floor and Pippa in the bed, she looks asleep apart from the tube in her mouth, I know that image will always be there in my memory, but I really don't want it, I can't handle it. Life at the moment is utterly shit....