My beautiful son

[minmooch]

After nearly two and a half years of a fight with cancer my beautiful 18 year old son passed away this morning at 11:20 am.

I am humbled by his strength and humour that he has shown throughout his short life.

Oh Min..he sounds wonderful. I truly hope one day you might just find a note.

What an amazing child, and a blessing in his short life,you must be so proud to have raised your boy to be so adventurous and brave.
Hope you are having more luck in your allotment than I am on our plot, strawberries ok, peppers still tiny, and weeny little tomatoes is all I have so far.
have a sunny day, thinking of you x

He sounds amazing, thank you for sharing a little bit of him with us.
Your love for him shines through all your posts, I wish you peace and strength.

Thank you for giving us a glimpse of Will. He sounds such a wonderful young man, and the relationship between you both shines out as something very special

Oh min, I wish I had something helpful to say.

Will sounds just incredible; thoughtful, funny, mischievous, kind, inspiring, breathtakingly brave, fiercely - and gently - clever... which, I am sure, probably doesn't cover even a tiny fraction of it. He sounds awesome. And your love is quite clearly awesome to match. The magnitude of your loss must be stupendous. Incomprehensible. And unbelievably unfair.

I think of you and Will when I walk past our local allotments.

Gentle hugs from an internet stranger. Like the others on this thread, I am listening.

I was in & out of the sea in about 3 mins - it was fucking arctic!!

But I stayed in for 2 mins longer than I would have , just for you & Will.

I suspect know he'd have been in for ten mins.

My thoughts were with you, dearest min.

He sounds super. V glad you have lots of folk around you.

I think Will achieved and touched more people positively than most do in a long lifetime. His DB must miss him to so terribly.

Just passing by with a wave to you & yours, dear Min.

Thinking of you, min, and of Will, Alex, Katie and Anna. Sending love.

The ramifications of your death are so far reaching. It affects every part of my life.

The bereaved parent is a frightening thing and too scary a thing to take on. Life just got lonelier again and I know this is yet another isolating factor I have to live with. I talk about you, I frighten people off. I don't talk about you I feel as if I am denying you.

I need to find the right balance.

As if life were not hard enough as it is.

I love you my son. I will always love you. I'm just so fucking sad that this happened to you, to me, to all of us.

Your strong mum is feeling tired and weak. Send me your strength my love. I'm in need of some hope that life will be kind and gentle to me at some point.

Oh Min. I wish I could find words to comfort you. I can only offer a hand to hold from a distance.

Sending lots of love XXX

Thank you my lovely friend.

Will if you are around, if there is something beyond here, please look after your brother. He is struggling big time at uni and I want to weep for him.

It's so hard seeing those we love struggle. So painful. We'd do anything to take away that pain and bear it for them.

Hold on tight Min. Keep breathing. XXX

I'm so tired of being me. I'm tired of being a bereaved parent. I'm tired of putting on a brave face. I'm tired of saying it how it is. I'm tired of draining people. I'm tired of inspiring people. I'm tired of feeling angry, sad, bitter, hopeful, happy, guilty, exhausted. I'm tired of trying hard. I'm tired of being lonely. In tired of knowing that this is forever. I'm tired of knowing that this has ramifications way beyond you just dying. I'm tired of finding the right balance for everyone, me included. In tired of worrying about my other son. I'm tired of worrying if I will ever be happy, find peace, find acceptance. I'm frightened that the only solution is to put you in a box and pretend you never happened.

I'm tired of me.

Min, I've been away & far from the internet .

I can't begin to understand all the emotions from your last post as I've never been where you are.

But I know you will never put Will 'in a box' - you may feel you want to but I just can't see you doing that.

I remember the exhaustion when my mother died - she had Alzheimers & I had to deal with that for about 3 years (the worst, final stages).

I remember feeling so fucking tired all the time for a long time & that no one could begin to understand the remorseless exhaustion of carrying on & putting one-foot-in-front-of-the-other.

I can't pretend to know how much worse it is for you & all I can say is keep coming here to your 'strangers on a page' place when you need to vent.

That's all I can offer you & I don't ever, ever, ever, expect anything back from you - I don't want to be inspired by you, you don't need to try here at all.

I will always check in here & if you aren't here it doesn't matter - there is no obligation.

I read & send this from a desktop in an upstairs room where the window face West & I always look out the window & send my thoughts to you.

And every time I see the sea (almost daily) I think of you, Willl, ALex , Anna & Katie.

With much love from someone who is but a stranger on a page.

(((xxx)))

Thank you Magi for your lovely words.

I feel lost, vulnerable. Have no idea where my life will go. I don't really belong anywhere and now have no need to be anywhere specific (ie no need to be near a school).

This is mixed up with one DS dying, one DS starting uni. I have no direction. It all feels very scary and I feel very vulnerable, very alone.

Min, dear Min,

I am not at all surprised you feel as if you are in limbo. Taking aside the loss of Will (which I know you can't & wouldn't want to & I am in no way trying to diminish that) you are now no longer a full time Mum, with Alex off at Uni & leading his own life. It's quite a normal reaction when all your children have fled the nest & it's not easy to recalibrate yourself to not being a full time (even if working etc) Mum who is at home for every bedtime (even if in bed yourself & waiting for them to come in)

I don't think I'm putting this over as well as I'd like to but what I am trying to say is that your feelings atm are very normal, as normal as if Will were still here & off at uni & then your last child had left.

I know for you it is so different, a million times harder & beyond my imagination but a bit of what you are feeling is what every parent feels when the last one has spread their wings & gone.

Give yourself some time (& I know how easy that is to say). Alex is in his first term at uni (?) so it is very early days for all that adjustment for you.

I so hope you can get what I'm trying to say - I'm looking Westwards & really wish you were at my door & we could sit with a & chat because I would find that so much easier than trying to get over what I mean via a keyboard.

I hope you can get my gist, I hope I haven't crossed a line too far.

You are in my thoughts every day

(((xxx)))

Dear min.

I too am not minimising your truly terrible losses for a single second, but I agree with magimedi when she says that some of your feelings are normal when a child goes away to uni. When my youngest went away (even though it was before DS2 died) I felt strangely bereft. Your loss is obviously very different but all your sorrow and grief over Will's death has been all stirred up with Alex's start at uni as well. No wonder you're feeling so low. And the onset of bloody autumn doesn't help either.

Please be gentle with yourself. I wish you were here with me now and we could just sit and talk. I hope I haven't offended or upset you saying that. I wouldn't upset you for the world.

Sending you lots of love.

I'm so lost. So lonely. I don't know how to navigate my way. I miss you my darling boy. I love you. You are my past, my present, my future. Yet you are not here.

I'm lost, so lost.

I am so sorry that you are in such pain, I can't help you with that, but just know that someone else is thinking of you at this time. I have read your threads about your dear son and your love for him shines through.

I don't know what to say but am here with you, thinking of you.

He'll always be with you op, but without pain and suffering. Sending love and light to you and your family.

Min, have also followed this sad journey of yours and am reaching out to you as much as I am able as a stranger on a forum. But know that he is always your beautiful wonderful son, and even though he is not here in person he is always with you

Min, I have had so can not reply with any words that would be good enough for you. I am breaking my own rule about never posting post and can only offer you an enormous, huge hug from a stranger on a page.

(((xxx)))

And will post tomorrow when not under the influence.