My beautiful son

[minmooch]

After nearly two and a half years of a fight with cancer my beautiful 18 year old son passed away this morning at 11:20 am.

I am humbled by his strength and humour that he has shown throughout his short life.

Oh minmooch, I wish I had some words which could help even a tiny bit.

It's ridiculously unfair, and plain wrong, and so very very sad, that Will isn't with you. And that you have to suffer in this way. I'm not surprised that you're fucking angry.

Sending love and cyber hugs, and wishing that I could do more.

I have buried three of my children. My identical twin girls still born 6 years ago. My 18 year old son in February. It's too much to bear. Too much pain. Too much loss. If the pain doesn't kill me the loneliness will. I try very hard but sometimes I haven't the energy to keep trying. It doesn't get any better.

Min mooch - holding your hand. I'm so sorry. You have every right to rail at fate/god. Sending you thoughts and love.

minmooch, I didn't know that you'd also lost twin girls. May I ask their names?
No wonder that it feels too much to bear.

Reaching out a hand, always.

Oh min - you have had so much pain.

There is nothing I can say except we are here to listen when you want to rage & scream.

Thinking of you.

Clock my daughters' names are Katie and Anna. In one respect I am at peace with their loss. My littlest one looked like she may have suffered brain damage. If both babies had survived I could have had a severely disabled 3 year old to look after as well as another 3 year old as well as looking after Will when he was diagnosed and his brother. It would have been even more immeasurably difficult. But I still loved them, still had hopes and dreams for them, gave birth to them.

Today is the start of a new week. Hopefully the crushing waves if grief will subside and I will live a little. I promised my Will that I would live, not just exist, but it's very hard work when you are exhausted.

Thank you Magi. It helps to relieve the pressure to let it out.

Katie and Anna are such lovely names.

I'm so sorry.

Do you have specific plans for this week, min? In any case, please be gentle with yourself. Thinking of you.

If my DS had been a DD he would have been Anna.

Thinking of you & I look at this thread every time I come on MN so if you want to scream you will be heard.

(((xxx)))

Thinking of you, Will, your DS2, Katie and Anna.

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words.

A good friend of my lost her toddler son in a horrific accident four years ago, and her blog, which she now updates annually, may resonate with you if only to hear how she managed to keep going.

hlennonmaki.blogspot.co.uk/search?updated-min=2010-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2011-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=5

My darling boy. 3 years ago this precise moment we were sitting in A&E. Against your wishes, you protesting I was over reacting. Me knowing something awful was happening. The neuro team Drs coming in and out of the cubicle testing your reflexes, your co-ordination. Seeing before my eyes your deterioration. Waiting for the CT scan. The dreadful words I'm sorry but we have found a large tumour in his brain. Trying to keep calm and strong for you. Trying to breath. Three years of horror, hope, devastation, anger, tears, pride, so much pride, love, laughter, tears, hope, horror, death. I love you with every breath I take and with every beat of my heart.

I am so sorry that you are suffering such intolerable grief. Your heartbreak is clear to see and as the mum of a son I can't imagine what awful pain you must be in. Your son Will sounds a lovely , remarkable boy. A Son to be so proud of.

Oh, Min - as I've said before I have no words to comfort you but I am glad you have this space to let go in.

Oh min. I weep with you. I weep for our darling boys. I know how heartbreaking it is. How do we keep going? As mothers of other children we have no option.
Sending you love and strength. xx

Oh min, I've only just seen your thread about your beautiful son and your beautiful girls. Have you anyone in real life who you can talk to? Please could I pass you on the details for my friend who lost her son to a brain tumour too, she has set up a charity in his name to offer support to families and bereaved parents and I know she'd be there for you to talk to and she will understand your journey.

Her name is Nicola and she can be contacted at [email protected]

Thinking of dear Will and you today min.
You are so often in my thoughts.
X

Thank you all for your kind words. It helps to say it as it is and not have to pretend.

Madcat we must have a mutual friend in real life. Only yesterday another friend directed me to Reuben's Retreat.

Min my heart breaks for you. It's wrong, just so so wrong. It's incredibly difficult to grieve for one son (and two daughters) whilst trying not to burden your younger DS with being 'the only one' and to help him grieve, yet enjoy his life guilt free... it's all so so hard & so so draining :( I wish there was a way to bear some of the pain for you.
Lots of love and strength
xx

We must min. Honestly contact nic, she's amazing. X

My darling boy you were joined last night by one of my friends who loved you too. I hope you find each other ......

My heart breaks for you Min.

I'm so sorry for your awful losses. Life Is so fucking cruel. Your boy sounds amazing.

My darling beautiful boy I miss you so. Tomorrow is your birthday, you would have been 19. But you will forever be 18. If I could do it all again I would just so I could have you back here with me. It's all so very wrong. I don't want to live in a world without you but I have to for your brother. I love and miss you with every beat of my heart and with every breath I take.

Min - Birthdays are so hard.

I had seen another post from you that tomorrow was Will's birthday.

I will be thinking of you & him & all your family.

I know I am but a stranger on a post to you but I think of you every day & check in here.

Weep & rant here all you want, I can't begin to fathom the pain you must be in.

(((xxx)))

Thank you Magimedi for your continual support.

It hurts to be without him. To know that it is forever. As in I will never see him again, never hear him call me 'Mum', never hold him. It's too much, just too much. I couldn't protect him from cancer and I wish it had been me and not him. My poor child deserved to live.

My boy ...... My precious boy .... You should be here with your family. This time 19 years ago my waters had just broken and your Dad and I were so excited to meet you. Never did we imagine such intolerable horror for you and us. You were so brave, such an inspiration, I am humbled by the way you dealt with such a devastating disease. I miss you ......