Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent ( 5 )

[mummylin2495]

Here we are , our new home

I agree with you. It's really a case of either you get well or you don't. The determination to live has no bearing on how the terrible illness progresses. I wish they could find a cure for all. I'm feeling tired already, I'm determined to have a lie in tomorrow. Not going to do much housework and no dinner to cook as my ds taking us out as part of my birthday gift. Going to the place where you cook your own meat at the table on hot stones. It's fun

I don't do FB or twitter for exactly the reasons you state SM.
Ds going into school this afternoon - fingers x!
My nephews are both off again - lots of nasty bugs going around :(
I am thinking if taking ds to a local cafe to see if I can tempt him to eat...
Going to see my aunt this afternoon then to cemetery with mum.

"It's really a case of either you get well or you don't. The determination to live has no bearing on how the terrible illness progresses."

Thank you Mummylin and SMS for voicing my thoughts on this so well. I have been a member of a couple of groups specific to my Mum's cancer, and even some of the members have responded to me in terms of "so sorry your Mum lost her fight".

But she DIDN'T lose. She didn't lose for the following reasons:

1. Her particular cancer was always going to be terminal. There was no "battle" to be had in the first place.
2. She fully intended to have life prolonging treatment, but things just progressed too fast between Christmas and New Year. If she had made a conscious decision to not have treatment, that would have been just as brave.
3. Once she was finally made aware of the dreadful prognosis, and that she couldn't have treatment, she accepted this with the utmost courage and dignity.
4. She was utterly determined to keep her independence for as long as she possibly could. She was still being helped out of bed to spend time in her sitting room 2 days before she died.
5. She bore the most appalling symptoms, right to the end, with such strength.
6. I truly believe that her character and determination helped her to a peaceful death. Once she had decided enough was enough she did not linger. She was on the end of life care plan for mere hours before she died, defying everyone's expectations. THAT is how her determination and courage won through in the end. She had the courage to accept that her time had come and to die surrounded by her family, in her own home, on her own terms.

Knowing all of the above, if anyone tried to tell me that it equates to "losing her fight" I would not be responsible for my actions.

Yes.
My aunt is one of the bravest and most stoic people I have ever met.
In all my 40 years I never saw her cry til we lost my dad last year.
She has planned her funeral, made her will and has endured lots of nasty invasive tests and is coming to the end of her life in the way she wants.
I hope when my time comes I can be half as brave.

Hi again. This might seem like an extremely odd question, but it is bugging me. I'm wondering about positing in the Religion topic about it too.

The thing is that my Mum was pretty much unconscious for most of her last day, certainly the last 6 hours or so, but she kept muttering - to herself? I don't know. A lot of it was unintelligible, but on three occasions she clearly said words to the effect of "I'm not sure" or "I don't know". I didn't "feel" anything at the moment of her death - I suppose I hoped I might. I'm not a particularly religious person but I would be comforted by the thought that she was living on in some other way. So I want to believe that those words she spoke imply she she was preparing to "move on", maybe even be asked if she was ready. I also know that it could well be as simple as her talking to herself in a vivid dream.

The CD player also inexplicably stopped when I played the song she wants at her funeral, the day after she died. Slightly weird I thought.

I just wondered if any of you had thought similar things or had similar kinds of experiences?

Yes I did GS.
The week after dad died I was on errands in the village (sorting out paperwork for mum etc) and I got back in the car and one of dads favourite songs came on the radio.
It's not a song that is played often (it's quite old)
I sobbed in the car all the way home.
I would love to think it was a "sign" from dad. I really would. I don't know.
It's happened a few times since. Sings that he loved that aren't played often (the beach boys, Gerry rafferty etc)
My faith has been sorely tested this past year. I am not sure I have any left tbh but I know many others find huge comfort in their faith.
They are very friendly on the religion topic and will give you their honest thoughts x

Mine too Badvoc. But you know some strange things happened in the lead up to Mum's death that have challenged my own lack of faith, if that makes sense? For example I went to sit in my local church one lunchtime, and I was disappointed that I didn't really feel anything (unlike when I'd gone to sit in my old family church and felt what I can only describe as a warm embrace, mentally speaking). And yet later that day a thought popped in my head, and to this day I have no idea where it came from. A thought to do something which we subsequently did (I cannot believe how quickly it came together after I tentatively mentioned it) and it gave the whole family such treasured memories. Was that divine intervention? A few short months ago I would have snorted at the very idea. Now I'm not so sure.

I think I will pop over to the religious topic at some point - not somewhere I usually frequent!

I am not religious at all , but in saying that I do believe that someone comes to help the dying person cross from this life to the next. So maybe it's possible that your mum was speaking to someone that you couldn't see. I just don't know. I know when my gran had a brain tumour and was very ill she used to see her parents at the bottom of her hospital bed. We were lucky and my gran recovered and we had her for another twenty years. But there are lots of things in this world that are unexplained. It gives me some comfort to think that one day I will meet up with past family members , most of all my mum and my sister.

gaelic, I know exactly what you mean, you'll find some of us here have had "weird" experiences or just co incidences that cant easily be explained away...esp in the few months after we experience the loss of our loves ones and are aching for them. Personally I believe they feel this ache and respond to it in funny ways they know we will get, be it a song on the radio, a co-incidence only we would get, a smell, an experience, I dont know, just something so personal to us it blows us away and makes us question things we;d never have thought of before.

This is my experience, FWIW. And I think if it gives us some comfort its not a bad thing.

just to add, I'm not religious in the least, I believe its the person who has passed helping us, or failing that someone else dear to us, I also believe when we pass on people are waiting for us.

I appreciate this is just my personnel beliefs, I'm not trying to foist it on anyone.

and I didn't ever think this way, even when my dad died a few years ago, it wasn't till my dad and I felt so alone things happened and my way of thinking changed totally.

sorry meant to say there it wasnt till my mum died ^^

Hello guys, my word how will I catch up!! Hello and welcome to Fay ? and any others that have had to join this thread, we are here for you and as you have seen such a friendly crowd and here for each other, to rant, shout, chat, share.

gaelicsheep - I massively believe, if you want to look back a few pages i went to a psychic and the lady picked up my mums name (which wasn't common, she said my mum was spelling it out to her) and loads more other things, but ive always believed as far back as losing our beloved dog of 14 years like our baby, he was before the kids, and the day he passed we come home and there was a fluffy white feather on his rug indoors,
since my mum ive heard my name called, smealt perfumes, random 1p pieces and feathers, and also strange coincidences and songs on the radio.
like ssd though i don't shove that belief on anyone as we are all different, but this does give me comfort i couldn't imagine thinking she is gone, although i want her here physically i guess this is all i can take with me, i keep her close to my heart and i know she is with me especially after seeing the psychic. But Also know this is not enough some days and i want to give her a big hug and talk to her and she talk to me and do our craft stuff together. Thinking if you and so very sorry for your loss xx

I am very sorry i am way behind, thanks ssd always hun always thanks for yours too xx
biscuits hope things are going along there best they can be, let me know when you get the chance

will be back in a bit, off to slimming world and can imagine i have put on! ack! xx

Is it wrong to think I've lost my parents because they don't speak to me anymore?

Maybe a different type of bereavement, don't know, still miss having parents and cry over it - I have tried, didn't work out

oopsadaisy what a sad post. All I can say is that your parents are the losers. They are missing out on their dd,s life. Personally I can't ever imagine being so cruel to my children, no matter what the circumstances. Do you want to talk to us about it ?

mummy i'd just cry lol - going through a breakup aswell at the mo, but;

Have two beautiful boys, thinking more positive, and things will get better (not any worse hopefully lol)

I just miss having a mum or dad to talk to right now, and maybe just knowing their out their right now but don't want to talk to me can be like a bereavement, or slightly worse, I don't know -

Can you get adopted at 34 lol x Got some kids here that are missing out on grandparents, I have tried, but not even a christmas or birthday card for them - have even said hate me if you want, but my kids, please

Sorry, crying

I'm sorry daisy.
I wish I knew what to say x

Oopsadaisy - I'm so sorry to read this how unbelievably sad. Huge hug again don't know what to say but we're here for you to rant too and talk. X

Thinking of you all on the thread xx

Oh, don't feel too sad, I'm trying to get things together and be positive - people far worse off I'm sure, thank you so much x

Just wish I had people, that's all - sure it will get better xxx

I just would say this oops you know the situation an if its likely to get any better in the future. If you don't think it's likely to happen, then concentrate on your two lovely children and try and get on with your life. One day your parents may wish to make contact again but until then, just do the best you can. One thing though, can I just say that having no contact is not the same as a bereavement. You may have the chance to see your parents at some point in the future. We on this thread know that can never happen for us. I would rather have no contact with my mum than not have her at all, which is what I've got now
That is not to say I don't have a lot of empathy for your situation, but whilst there is life you still can hope that " one day " !

Mummy I understand, and I'm very, very sorry xx

I wish you a happier future. You can always come and chat to us.

No sleep at at!! I'm beyond tired got to go to the hospital for my dad today he is having the camera down his throat. Praying that's ok. They think he might have an ulcer!!

Me and hubby celebrated v day and it was lovely but my god I felt for my dad!

How are we all doing hope going along best you all can. How was the wind for everyone? X

Oops chat to us anytime. Personally I would get a meeting organised and chat. It won't be easy and loads of mud slinging will prob happen but maybe give it a try or family counciling might get you all together. X

What a horrendous night, still very windy here, but no rain . In fact we have sunshine ! I thought we had lost fence panels but its next door but one that has suffered. Very sorry for everyone who has been flooded and very sad for the people who have lost their lives in the storms

sorry but I have to disagree a bit here.

I think what oops is experiencing is worse than bereavement. Her posts remind me of how I feel about my siblings. I felt when mum died they died for me as well. I know I lost more than my mum when she died. I lost my family, as my siblings aren't family to me anymore. But they are still there, like oops's parents. And whilst they haven't said they hate me or anything, their complete disregard for my feelings since mum died has shown me how much importance they put on me. They just feel indifferent towards me, much like oops's parents sound. And to me that is worse then bereavement. When mum died I thought, I may have a crap sister but at least I had a nice mum. And I know my mum loved me and I was important to her, in her life. I can't say the same for my siblings at all. Its worse than rejection, it's like you just don't matter and they have never bothered getting to know you cos its not important enough. I think this is how oops feels, just deep down really hurt. And trying to get on with life and forget it only lasts so long, but at 4 in the morning it all bubbles to the surface. Or for oops when you see a thread about other mothers missing their mums. I think what shes suffered is worse than bereavement as we know we'll never see our mums or dads again but we were loved by them, she wasn't and there's nothing lonelier than that.

I'm sorry for how you feel oops, I really am .