Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent ( 5 )

[mummylin2495]

Here we are , our new home

Ah waterlego very powerful and I truly believe this for your parents with their hand in the tree. X the words are prominent. I hope it gave you some comfort. Nice to hear from you, I think of you often x
Natalie - will be thinking if you please come and chat with us anytime. I couldn't imagine what you are going through. X

My hero, my first love, my Dad died on 5th April after a year long battle with oral cancer. My brother and myself were with him when he died. My Mum has advanced Alzheimers and lived with us for a week after Dad was taken into hospital. We got her into a local nursing home after the week but it was the hardest thing I have ever done trying to look after her.

I feel like a 5 year old at the moment. I miss my Dad so much xxx

shabbs I am so sorry that you have had to join this thread. It is a very very sad and distressing time for you and all the family. I hope that you have some RL support and we will do what we can to help you. We can't stop your grief but we can hold your hand through it. You have the added worry of your mum which I'm sure is also so distressing for you. For what it's worth you have probably done the right thing regarding the nursing home.what a terrible dilemma it must of been for you. Do you have siblings to help you or do you have to sort everything yourself ? Just get through each day as best as you can, if you want to cry then do, if you want to rant then do that too ( we are quite good at that on here sometimes ! ) please post whenever you feel like it, someone always comes along. Take care of yourself.
natalie I am sorry you are going through a nightmare scenario. Not knowing what is happening must bevery hard for you. You are welcome to post here whoever you want to.
waterlego what a lovely post from you and I dothink your parents have had a hand in making the tree grow so well and the words are very apt I think.
T hope you feel a bit better after Friday. It's hard not to go over the bad days all over again isn't it ?
ssd hope you have had at least some enjoyable time over the weekend, I know it's very difficult for you at times.
biscuits sm and everyone else , hoping you are all ok
Lovely sunny day here after horrific rain yesterday, washing blowing away merrily

Thank you all for your kind words.

I am so sorry for all of you for your loss. It has really helped me today just reading through some of the posts here and knowing that what I'm feeling is normal. I wish none of you had experienced this pain but it does help knowing that others understand how I am feeling.

Its lovely how you have all supported each other through such awful times.

natalie it is sometimes very difficult to speak to RL people about things, it seems to make them uncomfortable so this thread has certainly been a lifeline for me, it helps to chat to like minded people.
shabbs I have only just realised who you are ! I know w hat you have already gone through, but I also know that you have a love of 60,s music !! We were once on the same thread together. And I'm not sure but did you lose a sister the same as I did ? I am sorry you have to face this yet again.

Mummylin (not seen you for ages!!) thank you for your very kind words. I have a brother who is four years younger than me.....we are very different personalities Resentment is building up inside me and I am struggling to keep it hidden.

Two of my four sons died (32 and 22 years ago) and I thought that was the worst thing that ever happened and felt life would never be the same again BUT without my Dad I feel very alone and lost. He was always there if I needed a cry about my sons, always there to kick me up the bum if I needed it.

I also know that 'time is a great healer' - I used to hate that expression but it is very true. xx

sorry cross posted there mummylin. I lost one of my twin boys when he was 7 months old due to congenital heart problems and my DS3 when he was 7 years old was knocked down off his bicycle by a reversing lorry and died from the crush injuries. xxx

Yes I knew about the loss of your sons shabbs must of been unbearable for you.i know haw my mum was when my sister died , but for to go through it twice is unthinkable.
But it's different with a parent, they have always been there to protect and help us,babyhood, teens etc and the good times and bad, then one day they are no longer there and it's almost inconceivable, how can it be ?
I think I resorted to being a young child when my mum died, I just wanted my mummy, and I still do.
On a different note it's nice to see you !

Shabbs. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better. I really wish I could. I lost my dad a year ago and I knew all the usual sayings. The thing that I learnt was that grief is so, so personal. We will be here. Ready to listen and hand hold if and when you need.

Water what a lovely story.

hi Lin

yeah all ok here felt a lot better i really feel my mum was there for me that day, i was seriously spouting some venom at dh!! Luckily i still had a marriage at the end of the day! lol

Hope everyone is going along ok, we went to the lake today and the swans were eating out of our hands!! xx

Natalie- I know what you're going through. Its virtually the same story as mine but mine started 8 mths ago when my dad was diagnosed with cancer of the stomach. I took it very badly when we were told that it was inoperable and there was no cure and for him to go home and have a quality of life. Its a very difficult thing to go through and I know just how painful it is. I cried every day for weeks, then managed somehow to be strong at times and tried to spend as much time with him as we could. I agree with waterlego, sometimes it is harder to come to terms with it before the death itself and the grieving process started for me the day I was told they couldn't do anything for him.

So we've had mum staying with us and its not been easy for me. She doesn't seem to be grieving at all. All shes done is read and sleep. She started a book on Thursday and finished it today and in between reading shes been napping on and off on the sofa. Ive tried to engage her in conversation but she just hasn't been very interested and doesn't seem to want to talk about dad at all. Shes just wanted to sit and read her book. I want to talk about him but I feel guilty mentioning his name. Ive tried to ask her how shes coping but she just says shes fine. Im worried shes internalising it all and it will come out in some other way or it will hit her like a ton of bricks later. Also, my sister is acting very strangely. We all went for coffee this morning and she just wasn't there, she seemed like she was on another planet. I was really worried about her. I caught her staring at me across the table and when I looked at her she had a really odd look on her face and she gave me a dirty look and looked away. My sister in law and I had been talking and laughing and it was almost as if she was annoyed with us for having a conversation, meanwhile mum just sat there in silence. Its such a strange time at the moment. Sorry to offload, just needed to get it all out!

Thanks all for your kind words. I know that some of you have strong spiritual beliefs, and I admire that. I envy it sometimes. But I find it impossible to believe in a spiritual life after death, so the growth of that tree atop my parents' remains is a very physical way for me to feel connected to them and I shall treasure that. Who knows, perhaps in time my belief in the spiritual will change- I would certainly never rule it out :)

Hello shabbs, we don't 'know' each other, but I recognise you from other threads, and have felt deeply saddened by the tragedies you have experienced. I'm so sorry you now find yourself here, having lost your darling dad. Such heartbreak for you. Take care of yourself.

Natalie I'm glad you've found a welcome here. I wanted to add to my earlier post (and hope it doesn't sound patronising): please try to look after your physical needs as best you can. You are in for a very tough and exhausting time, and if you can do your best to eat and sleep well, to get out for fresh air and exercise when possible- it will help a tiny bit. It won't ease any of your emotional anguish, but I know from experience that not taking care of your basic needs can make a tough time even tougher. Many of us here have struggled with health problems during our times of stress and grief, to some extent perhaps it is inevitable that such emotional trauma will affect our physical well-being, but I think the damage can be minimised a little by looking after ourselves.

I know only too well the bewilderment of not knowing how long your dad has left. Weeks? Months? Years? It was the same for my mum for a while and that was one of the hardest parts of the whole experience. When she was first diagnosed, we thought she might only have days, she was so very poorly. But then she rallied a bit and things looked more hopeful- we began to wonder if we might get a year or so. Then it came crashing down and she was admitted to hospital and again we thought it would be a matter of days. But then she picked up again and came out of hospital, put on weight, started eating again, and we thought perhaps 6 months or so might not be outwith the realm of possibility. And then she went downhill again very rapidly.... As you can see, cancer can be (and very often is) an insane rollercoaster ride. People will try to tell you not to look too far ahead, not to ask 'how long?' But it is inevitable that that question will be at the front of your mind a lot of the time. I hope that you will have days and hours with your dad in which time seems to stand still and all that matters is that precious moment. We had moments like that with mum, and it gave us brief respite from that big ticking clock hanging over us all.

Forgive my waffling. Much love to you all.

Littlepink, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I can imagine how hard it must be worrying about your mum and sister because that's is one of my big concerns, how my mum will cope.

I guess everyone copes in their own way and I'm sure it is a big comfort for your mum to be staying with you. Just be there for each other, that's all you can do.

Waterlego, thank you for the good advice, I am trying my best to carry on as normal, while I can. Although Dad is not great he is doing quite well at the moment so I am just trying to focus on each day.

Again, I'm so glad I have found this thread it feels like a lifeline already.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

I think it must be a very difficult time, to star grieving whilst your loved one is still here. Almost unbearable counting away the days and weeks. My friends lost their little boy which we knew was coming, but he held on for about six weeks longer than exoected and so we began to think that the docs had made a mistake and he would recover after all. When the inevitable day came, the shock was immense, even though we had known the outcome for weeks. It was terrible to see him wasting away, but still asking when he could go back to school. But despite all the information we were still not prepared when he did eventually die.its an awful time for anyone to see a loved one suffer and know that eventually , they will leave us.
pink it must be very hard to know hw to treat your mum if she seems to of switched off from what has happened. All you can do really is to be there. Your sister is probably grieving differently from you and dosent understand that all people grieve in their own way. I have to admit I am a bit like this with a couple of my siblings, I can't understand how they cannot go to the crem and take my mum flowers on Mother's Day and like yesterday on her birthday. But I suppose they don't feel the need so much and have moved on with their lives after we lost mum. I of course don't feel like this at all . But I'm not going to say anything or cause any arguments about it. I will do what I do and they will do the same I guess.
This is a very odd post, with mixed up stuff but as I'm typing its just coming out from somewhere !

Oh shabbs, im so very sorry to read of the loss of your dad, sending you a big hug its just awful isn't it. please come and chat with us any time we are here for you. xx

Hi little pink its all so very surreal with peoples emotions after they lose someone. Im very sorry for your loss. xx We all knoiw what this is like with siblings at one point or another.
all you can do is be there for your mum like you are doing. is she talking about her loss or how she is feeling? Sometimes you can just go numb, i think the first year and a half is some what of a fog, but my god when that fog lifts and the realisation hits it is horrendously sad, still is some days, and some days too painful to even think about. But then some days ill have a chat with her I have been to a psychic so i have had a fair bit of clarity of what i heard I do have a spiritual belief with my mum that she is still around and i get odd things happen, little things i get messages and ways of connecting and this does give me comfort at times and if i really am a bad day i really feel my mum helps me through but then other times it doesn't as i miss her tremendously physically. We are all different though and do what we can to get us through! xx

thinking of everyone on the thread and sending love xx

actually when you are in that fog at the beginning it is horrendously sad x but to add we still like to keep her spirit alive by doing small things in her memory and keep her legacies going and little things so would like to do and have a laugh at some of the stories sometimes we remember. The other day we were playing Daniel o donnell for her, she loved him!!

As did my mum T we played his version of you raise me up at mums funeral. She saw him several times and just loved his music

Ah maybe is getting together they are together over a cuppa and Daniel o donnell still. Yeah my mum had raise me up too. My mum loved west life too so we had flying without wings x

Thanks t875. I feel very depressed this morning. I cant stop crying and its only 9am! Need to stop because I have a 22 mth old and she hasn't a clue whats going on and I need to take her to a play group. I just feel in a state of panic today. Panic that im not going to see him again and what am I going to do without my dad. Before he died he said he didn't want us to be distraught and I keep reminding myself of that but it still doesn't stop me feeling distraught. I keep remembering him saying just before he died, he was in a coma and at times it would seem like he was awake and I heard him say "this shouldn't be happening". He didn't want to go and I keep thinking if only he'd just had a few more years, maybe it would have been easier to let him go.

Oh dear, my little girl has just said to me "mummy crying. Wake up!" and wiped my face. This is too much to put on a toddler but is so hard to keep it in when it hits. I feel bad now for not being stronger around her.

Oh I forgot to say thanks to mummylin and natalie too for your responses xx

Oh Pink, it's so hard. For me the mornings are the worst, it hits me each morning and I struggle to get going for the day but once I do it eases. I have a toddler too and she keeps asking me what's wrong even when I'm not crying, it's impossible to hide everything from them.

I know my situation is different to yours so I wont pretend that I know what to advise you, I'm sure many of the others on this thread will be better at that.

Just try to get through each day or even each hour one at a time.

Sending you hugs xx

littlepink, even with a hundred more years it would never have been easy to let your dad go, we're never ready x

Oh little pink. It's very hard isn't it. You go with your emotions. My youngest just kept getting me a piece of tissue and eldest would just hug me it is horrendous at the beggining and we all do what we can to get through.

I found mornings very hard. Homes under the hammer was my friend. I had to get straight up it was hard laying in bed. I also as we all know the distraught panic feeling I was talking to my mum literally the day before then she went to bed. And gone. The void is still horrendous some days.
We are here for you talk/ rant anything you need to do.

I also phoned CRUSE bereavement generic phone line which really helped at times at the beggining.

I really feel what your saying. It does get a little easier because we unfortunately have to accept that they aren't here. I absolutely hate it. And will always miss her physically. Hugs to you xx