Miss my son so much

[LilyTheSavage]

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

Thank you very much Mojito. I have to say that I'm actually feeling a little stronger and more positive today. I feel full of plans for the garden and stuff that I want to get done, which is a massive improvement on just sitting on the ground and not wanting to move. I know it won't last but I have to make the most of this moment and get as much done as I can right now.

I'm making plans for Paddy's anniversary and my boys (and daughter-in-law) will be coming here to join us in France, and also my darling cuz, her husband and their toddler will be with us which will be lovely. I want us to have a lovely time and I hope that I can keep some of this positivity (horrid word, sorry) and feeling of strength.

Just knowing that you're at the other end of the thread really helps. Thank you. XXX

Just checking in. Hope all is ok.

Hi Mojito.

Thank you for your message. I'm still ok but had a wobble a couple of days ago and had to leave what I was doing and just come home and go to bed. I am meeting another friend today who I met on MN recently. I think it will be hard and lovely.... all at the same time.

Those damn wobbles can really catch you unawares. I hope your catch up is good.

It was lovely to meet the other mum and talk to her and know that I'm not actually going mad. I sometimes think I'm losing my mind. I can't remember things, what I've said/done. It's frightening as I"m normally so organised.

Those wobbles creep up and mug you from behind when you're not looking. There's no rhyme or reason to what is going to send me back down that spiral. Once I'm going down it's so hard to climb back up to anywhere where I can function. Quick phone calls to family and friends are good because you can put the mask on for a short time. I do know that there are some people I can only tolerate for very short periods because they just drag me down. I have to be selfish. I have to look after myself so that I can be there for my family.

Having said all that, I've kept myself very busy for the last few days and have been doing lovely creative things which I do find satisfying. Makes me feel a bit better to be doing something positive.

You are amazing. With all you have to cope with you keep on getting back up and going forward not just for yourself but for others. Always remember that.

PTSD can make you forget things. Have you been diagnosed with anything like this? The shock and trauma of what you have been through will affect you in so many different ways and memory is just one.

I do tapestry which is my version if meditation. I find it so relaxing and therapeutic it really helps me cope. I understand what you mean about the creative aspect helping.

I'm sure I don't have PSTD, just common old grief.

I feel weighed down today and I'd thought I was doing so well. I think I shall just go back to bed and sleep.

Maybe doing something constructive later (like cleaning) will cheer me up!

Take care.

I just thought of my boy and now feel so rotten that I'm going back to bed with a cup of coffee. No use to anyone like this. Just feeling very sad.

Lots of love lily. I read your thread and my heart goes out to you x

Thinking of you to lily.

thank you very much sunshine.

I've been thinking about grief and decided that the mask I have in place at the moment for most of the time is very heavy, but it's actually easier to keep it in place than to let it slip and expose my grief for anybody else to see. I need to do that in private. There are very, very few people that I feel I can share this with. I think most people feel I should be "over it" by now as it's almost a year since my darling boy died. It doesn't mean I love him more than the other two. Not at all. If I didn't love the others so much I wouldn't stay, but I can't let them think I don't love them enough to stay. 'That's the bottom line.
I do have moments when I am enjoying myself, and then I suddenly think of Paddy and almost pull myself up and feel guilty. It's as if I shouldn't have any pleasure because I can't be missing him and grieving at the same time. Very confusing. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad, but this sadness is so overwhelming it takes over all sense and reason.

Hi Lily, I have been thinking of you and Paddy as the 10th approaches.

Hi Heavenly.
Thanks very much for your message. Hope you're doing ok.

Lily, I don't think it helps much but I completely get how you feel. I don't know if people think we should be over it by now as I'm sure there are so many who wonder how we get up each day and keep going. We do it for those we love as much who remain with us.

Having MN has helped me enormously as this is where I feel free to grieve and it's through all the stages - those times the weight is so heavy you don't feel you can go on, those times you find pleasure in life that catches you unawares and so on. I don't share publicly at all either. It is just easier to fall apart when you are alone and deal with the emotions as they roll over you.

Continue to take care.

Be kind to yourself this month lily. Let the tears flow if you need to.

Thanks as always Mojito. I am feeling very low and fragile. I'm trying hard to snap out of it but it's hard.

always helps!

I have been thinking of you lots as Sunday approaches, we are in the middle of a holiday in France, am not enjoying it as I know that Pips would have adored this gite, but you know......I have a bottle of wine in the fridge ready to raise a glass to Paddy on Sunday, am also hoping that it might make Elliott sleep through. Sending strength and love.

Some times it is just so damn hard.

All my thoughts are with you at this time lily. Will raise my coffee cup to paddy and yourself tomorrow when it will be the 10th.

Thank you both very much. I'm in France too cathpip and it's very hard being here, but it was where I was when I last saw Paddy alive, and it's where I was when I got the news. At least my other two DS are here and also my husband and more family.

It's so hard.

I just wanted to say so sorry for your loss. Keep posting on here as there are many strong and inspirational women who will be here for you.

Thinking of you, Lily. Lots of love and hugs for tomorrow. X xx

Remember
?Remember me when I am gone away,
?Gone far away into the silent land,?
When you can no more hold me by the hand,?
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.?
Remember me when no more day by day?
You tell me of our future that you planned.?
Only remember me.
You understand ?It will be late to counsel then or pray.?
Yet if you should forget me for a while
?And afterwards remember, do not grieve.
?For if the darkness and corruption leave?
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,?
Better by far you should forget and smile?
Than that you should remember and be sad

One year today. So sharp. So raw. So painful. Miss my darling boy so much.

I've read your thread and am thinking of you and your boy right now xxx