Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My dm died today

92 replies

Lavenderhoney · 10/10/2013 16:31

I could really do with some help. I don't know what sort of help tbh, maybe something to guide me through what I am feeling. I am am either sobbing or completely still and watching a show on the iPad, sort of displacement on what has happened. With the dc I am serene, if that's a good word. With dh I am angry and irritable.

I have been freezing cold all day, and I know the house and I are warm.

I am quite frightened of how I feel and all the memories crowding in as it makes me feel out of control iyswim. I expect I will look at this later and think " what tosh, and self indulgent" and then burst into tears.

I don't know what to do to get through it. What do you do?

OP posts:
WonderBarbara · 10/10/2013 16:34

Hi Lavender, I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and try to take each day at a time. I haven't lost a parent, so I can never understand, but couldn't read and run. Hoping you find some comfort soon. Thinking of you x

looseleaf · 10/10/2013 16:40

I don't think there's any right or wrong way to deal with something so big, just what helps you and be easy on yourself. I'm so, so sorry. And the last thing it is is self indulgent as I think grieving must be natural and important and presumably only just beginning.
Hopefully others will have advice but thinking of you

chickydoo · 10/10/2013 16:45

Oh you poor love, my DM died this year too, it is awful isn't it.
The bereavement boards here are wonderful, and thanks to the likes of Mummylin etc, they managed to steer me through.
Would it help you to tell us about your DM?
Just say whatever you want, sometimes it helps.

halfthesize · 10/10/2013 16:49

Thinking of you Lavender sorry I dont really have advice but agree with Chicky sometimes it helps to share.

JustBecauseICan · 10/10/2013 16:50

So sorry.

Please know that day or night there will be someone here to handhold.

Flowers
BellaVita · 10/10/2013 16:51

I am sorry Sad

Levantine · 10/10/2013 16:53

I'm very sorry. It hurts a lot I know. If it were me I would try to get outside to somewhere with positive associations on my on. But that's me. Xxx

OneStepCloser · 10/10/2013 17:00

I`m so sorry, Its so painful I know, all you can do is to take one day at a time. x

WowOoo · 10/10/2013 17:01

Sorry to hear your news LavenderHoney.

I know what you mean about being 'serene'. My dh described me with the same word. I was actually in a surreal daze. I thought I might wake up and find none of it was true.

I think going over memories is normal. Our brains are amazing in the small details they have stored away. Your brain is working hard now, so please try to get some rest too.

Would you like to talk to people who knew her well or would you rather be alone? Do whatever you think is best.
I don't know what to advise.
I wish I could give you a big, big hug. x

sisterofmercy · 10/10/2013 17:03

Whatever you do, try not to be hard on yourself or critical about what you should be doing or feeling. At this time you could be feeling lots of ways at once, or totally shocked and blank, or both - there's no predicting it.

It feels intolerable but somehow, goodness knows how, you will manage even though you fear the worst.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 10/10/2013 17:07

Oh I'm so sorry. There's no way but your way and that you will find very slowly. I think, forgive me, you are still in shock even if you knew it might be coming.

Shock anger resentment and finally acceptance I think are what you might pass through but how long it takes is your personal path.

Wish you well x

BadRoly · 10/10/2013 17:18

I'm so sorry you have lost your mum.

My dad died 18mths ago. My experience is that there is no right or wrong way to be/react and everybody experiences grief differently. I found it easiest just to accept whatever emotion I felt at each moment. Still do to be honest.

Would second the poster who recommended the bereavement forums on here, even if you just read and lurk x

Original poster
Lavenderhoney · 10/10/2013 18:30

Thanks for all your replies, so helpful.

I can't bring myself to look at the threads on bereavement yet. I clicked on one but it made me feel so sad after reading a couple of posts I had to get off it.

I am strangely serene. Its very odd. I also left the dc to it and had a bath earlier and just sat in it. Surrounded by bubbles and toys. I never have baths and I don't consciously remember thinking ooh, I'll have a bath. I think I ran it for dd really and just pinched it.

My dm was very poorly. She had been house bound and very limited in what she could do, plus in and out of hospital. She wanted to die at home but ended up in hospital. She was at the end of the illness. I last saw her in the summer as we live abroad, and we spoke a couple of days ago, but after that she was always asleep when I called.

My dh hasn't really covered himself in glory today in his expectation of me and I am very upset with him, but its quite delayed- I know when I have finished with my grief over dm I have to worry about that. He didnt approve of how my childhood was so doesnt seem to get it. He says he is too tired to support me today and will be better tomorrow. But your dm doesn't pass every day.

My two bf who I left messages for haven't bothered to call or email.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavenderhoney · 11/10/2013 07:30

Still no word from so called friends.

My dh is carrying on as normal, ignores any discussion about my dm, snaps at me for being miserable and shouted " what do you want me to do or say?"

I don't know what he should do, I don't know what I should do:(

Dh is carrying on as though nothing has happened and its a blip in his life to be ignored, an irritation. I am really shaken by his behaviour is it normal? If it was his dm I would be kind, want to talk about it, and her.

He seems to be hoping I will forget about it today and pretend everything is fine. Its not though. I so unhappy, her dying and him being so nasty.

OP posts:
thekingfisher · 11/10/2013 07:39

Lavendar couldn't read and run - but I'm guessing your DH hasn't had a parental bereavement - my dh really really just didn't know what to do or what was expected of him and honestly I couldn't really tell him - I just knew it wasn't what he was doing ( ie nothing much)

Its only 18months down the line when we talked about that time that he admitted that he just couldn't get his head round the whole situation and found it completely overwhelming... he was better once the first few days were over.

All I can say is look after yourself - do what you need to do - do you have siblings or other family you can speak to to talk things through at all.

I found my dais the best person even though we have never ever got on - the situation brought us closer and we were able to share memories/feelings/thoughts. My Dfather had also been very ill before he died although still active ( and it was an accident that killed him not his illness) but that also created an odd conflict in my head as I knew the future was so awful for him it was kind of blessed release for him to die - BUT that just seems so wrong to wish him dead!

I wished him back as he had been - vibrant, funny, sensitive and handsome. Smile

Look after yourself - thinking of you and don't be too hard on yourself or those around you - its a scary place to be and others may not be brave enough to hold your hand. xxx

thekingfisher · 11/10/2013 07:40

should say dsis

telsa · 11/10/2013 08:55

I am sorry you are not getting support, except for this virtual kind. Some people just can't handle it, or they really don't get it if it has not happened to them. Some people say you join a club once this happens, one you really don't want to be a member of....but there it is. Perhaps your DH is scared or unable to express emotions. you say he disapproved of how you were brought up....strange, for it made you the person you are, with whom he fell in love. It sounds as if he is a little immature.
Grieve in your own way. Know that there are those if us who understand and hold your hand in our thoughts.

extracrunchy · 11/10/2013 09:03

OP I'm so sorry to hear this. You're not being remotely self indulgent. Hope you're ok.

Original poster
Lavenderhoney · 11/10/2013 10:54

I don't want to have to make allowances for dh, and worry about making him feel awkward. I haven't got the emotional space for him. He doesn't get that he isn't coming first right now.

I don't have any other family.

OP posts:
OneStepCloser · 11/10/2013 11:01

Your DH is being spectacularly crap tbh, it should not be your problem if he cannot handle what you are going through at the moment, he should be there to give you his unwavering support, this isnt about him, and I feel for you Lavender, you need support at the moment.

Whats happening with the funeral arrangements?

WowOoo · 11/10/2013 12:12

Your Dh really may not know what to do or how to behave. It sounds insensitive and utterly selfish of him. You are right to think about yourself and dc now. What is it with some people?!

Your friends may also not know what to say or do. I really hope they turn up to see you or call you soon.
Hope you are just about coping today Lavender.

Original poster
Lavenderhoney · 11/10/2013 12:50

The funeral arrangement are all done. Dm sorted it all out a couple of years ago, paid for it, and its all being arranged and dealt with. Funeral has a date as well.

All her affairs are up to date, no surprises but I have yet to look at her papers. The worse bit is going to be her handbag:)

Neither of my friends have contacted me, so not much point wasting time with them anymore.

I have heard from a couple of new friends, who are so new I nearly didnt say anything and they have been great, so that's nice.

Dh bought me a bunch of lovely flowers home just now, but didnt say anything, and he says he is tired so will be going to bed early. I would like to chat about my mum when the dc have gone to bed, but he just yawns all the time and when I ask him not to he says he is tired. He also doesn't listen and I don't want to tell him how I feel when he doesn't care.

I'm afraid I said that I hoped he would get the same level of support when his dm finally passes away, and he said it was different as she was a nicer person than my dm. My dm was a nice person, just different, private and let us live our lives without interference. Plus she has been seriously ill for 2 years so although its not a surprise its not easy.

OP posts:
SalmonellaDeGhoul · 11/10/2013 13:31

dh was not great when my Dad died. I think he didn't know how to react.
But when our dd died, his parents were rubbish, so I kind of figured that as a family they just are useless in a crisis!
And that thing, not understanding that despite their imperfections they are still our parents and we are still devastated when they die, dh was a bit like that, even though he got on very well with my Dad.
We moved on but a part of me has never really forgiven him for it.
I'm sure your Mum loved you deeply, Lavender, even if she wasn't an involved in-your-face Mum. A lot aren't xx

WowOoo · 11/10/2013 14:31

Because she was nicer?!
A mother is a mother, people are different.
At least he gave you some nice flowers - but I know they are not what you need right now

Can you write stuff down Lavender? Get it off your chest.
You can re read it at a later date and burn it on a fire if you wish.

OneStepCloser · 11/10/2013 14:45

The flowers mean hes trying, but its difficult because you do need to talk about it, its important to. You can always chat to us! I remember people I knew, worked with etc doing everything in their power not to mention my parents after they died, it bloody hurt.

It took months to look in my mums handbag, and then I found a congealed bag of mint imperials, I desperately didnt want to throw them out, but sense took over Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread