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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My dm died today

92 replies

Lavenderhoney · 10/10/2013 16:31

I could really do with some help. I don't know what sort of help tbh, maybe something to guide me through what I am feeling. I am am either sobbing or completely still and watching a show on the iPad, sort of displacement on what has happened. With the dc I am serene, if that's a good word. With dh I am angry and irritable.

I have been freezing cold all day, and I know the house and I are warm.

I am quite frightened of how I feel and all the memories crowding in as it makes me feel out of control iyswim. I expect I will look at this later and think " what tosh, and self indulgent" and then burst into tears.

I don't know what to do to get through it. What do you do?

OP posts:

zimbomaman · 21/10/2013 11:30

How are things today? I hope that the weekend went without any more nastiness from your H.

Flowers can be organized with a local florist too - you can look up one on the yellow pages online and the either phone through an order or order from their site.

How is your DD? Her illness sounds terrible and the last thing you need when feeling so fragile. I hope that she's on the road to recovery.

Hoping, too, that your friends find the right words when responding to your mail.

cjel · 21/10/2013 13:28

phew', wouldn't want to cause you more stress. Did you get hold of the florist and funeral director.
Hows dd doing?

Original poster

Lavenderhoney · 21/10/2013 14:39

Hi, the dc seem ok now, which is good as dh doesn't know where the doctors is. I'm going to have to give him a cheat sheet aren't I?

Wreath is ordered, so that's done.

Just back from pick up, and a mum I was quite friendly with who I just couldn't manage more than a few words to, but sent her an text later that night saying I had had some bad news.

Today she was breathtakingly rude, causing me to walk backwards and leave the room. We were discussing the school, and I mentioned something about Christmas, she said ( she is American) we call it a winter holiday, and I said " oh, it will always be Christmas hols for me" and she said if I didnt like what the school called holidays I should take my dc away. I was completely lost for words, infront of all these mums.

I really want to call my mum but I can't. I miss Christmas in the UK, I miss being able to call her and see her, and I want to go home for good.

Dh was quite nice, apart from not coming home til 4 in the morning thursday, until I realised he was being nice as we were seeing his ex boss and he wanted to knee up the illusion, I asked him and he just does this big sigh that makes me so pissed off. He says stuff like" lets try to be happy today shall we? mummys never happy" And I just want to push him out of the car.

I have realised I don't actually have any friends I can rely on. Very upset with my oldest friends, every moment that goes by I realise they are ignoring me and hoping it all goes away. Doesn't help living so far away, I suppose

OP posts:

cjel · 21/10/2013 15:15

Can't believe the cheek of that woman! its not winter holiday its christmas for goodness sake.

After the funeral it may be a good time for you to start to build a life with people who do like you and care for you,You may not have met them yet but there are people out there who will care for you.
Arrannge some counselling for yourself so you can build your self esteem.
So please that things are going ok re funeral arrangements and dcs health.x

marriednotdead · 21/10/2013 22:28

Hi Lavender

I've been lurking but not always posting but totally agree with cjel's last post. There are nice people in the world, you're not the only one. And when you let go of the dross, you will have room to have them enhancing your life x

Original poster

Lavenderhoney · 25/10/2013 11:33

Back from the funeral - fucking harrowing:(

Dh didn't bother to contact me on the day. He says it was because he was busy with the dc.

He has now taken the car to be cleaned and is going out to a party tonight. He did ask if I wanted to go. I said no, having just done 2 long haul flights in 48 hrs, plus attended my dm funeral. He said ok, and could I help him with what to wear. I said no. He has gone out and left me to take the dc swimming.

Is it me or is he a nightmare? I don't even want to have him comfort me. How dare he, when he left me to it yesterday.

I feel exhausted and hopeless

OP posts:

telsa · 25/10/2013 17:53

Your DH is being so unreasonable. He is behaving in a rotten manner. take care of yourself and gather your strength.

marriednotdead · 25/10/2013 23:32

You don't need anyone to tell you that you're married to a twat

Use the time he's out to rest and plot your escape

Original poster

Lavenderhoney · 26/10/2013 04:17

Yeah, well I did a bit of snooping and it seems he didn't go alone. Thought not.

OP posts:

happy2help · 27/10/2013 10:15

Lavender,

What marriednotdead said.

My God you are an amazing woman!

I haven't posted before but I need to tell you that you seem to be coping amazingly well.

happy2help · 27/10/2013 10:16

How are you feeling?

zimbomaman · 27/10/2013 16:00

Just checking in to see how you are.

Sorry to learn that your H is continuing his twattishness. Keep any 'evidence' from your snooping - you may need it in the future, no matter what you decide to do.

Hope the little one is fully recovered too.

Original poster

Lavenderhoney · 27/10/2013 16:53

You're all so nice:)

I don't feel amazing, I feel shattered and old.

I have started a thread in relationships, as I wanted to separate the problems I have. I'm going to join the other thread as suggested below.

My db is being ok, and my fabulous niece is in my corner. Plus she really is scary- she is tiny and chic and has the most amazing thousand yard stare. Plus she takes no prisoners on the relationship front, and gave me advice! Me! And I sat quietly and listened! She is 15 years younger than me, and I was in awe of her. Just sent her a gift:) I gave her mil advice, so we are equal:)

I have made contact with my dm secret brother, so sad she kept the misery of her marriage from him. He would of helped her, he loved her so, and knew her his whole life. She didnt want to worry him, and so I kept it from him, he would be distraught if he knew.

Its all coming in waves, the sadness. I cry at anything and am avoiding the photos thing. Keeping busy with the dc and my car crash of a marriage:(

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 27/10/2013 19:30

How you feel now is not WHO YOU ARE.

We see a lovely person who is currently being ground down by shit she doesn't deserve. It won't always be that way.

Big hugs

Original poster

Lavenderhoney · 28/10/2013 07:59

Thank you married

I am carrying on as you do, but dh and I had a talk this morning, and it did not go well for him. I have updated on my other thread.

Going to contact people from the funeral today.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lavenderhoney · 18/01/2014 23:00

I wanted to come back to this about my dm as now I am away from my dh, its got very very hard.

I have no one to talk to about it, dh was useless as anyone who read my thread knows and I can't talk to others - I don't want to. I don't know why.
I don't mention her to the dc but they keep talking about her which is nice in one way but my voice wobbles.

I think about calling her a lot and I can't. She was the only person who was genuinely interested on the dc apart from me. Now its just me.

Ds says out of the blue " I can only just remember nannys voice" which threw me as I can't really.

And we went to a forest school and the leader was a lovely old lady who reminded me of my dm, and my dd (4) took her hand and asked her to tell her what some plant was, and they walked off away from me and it looked so like my dm and dd/ds I couldn't stop the tears. So embarrassing but luckily I don't think anyone noticed. I just walked off a bit.

Dd has become very questioning and worried about death. I don't know why.
Dd - and I don't know what you say- but I clearly fucked it up- was in bed and suddenly asked about how nanny died exactly so I said old age and she said no, what exactly happened when she died and did it hurt?" And I said " no, no she fell asleep in her lovely bed and didn't wake up"

There was a horrible silence and both dc stared at me as it was bedtime and dd was in bed. Then they laughed at the look on my face as I realise what I had said and triec to back track.

But today she kept on and on about who cuddles you when you die and if you are old when you die, when she is old I will be dead and who will cuddle her? It was horrible and I found it very hard.

I don't talk about death, they don't watch scary dead stuff and its very distressing.

I feel very alone, and I can feel my heart hardening even more against dh as I realise how he has let me down and not offered any kindness which you would expect.

I have looked at the other thread on here for support that has been mentioned but I find it too distressing I am sorry.

OP posts:

Horsemad · 22/01/2014 08:34

Don't beat yourself up about the falling asleep bit. I always told my DC that people die because they're very very old and their bodies wear out, or they are very ill and the doctors can't make them better. You could try saying something like that if/when the conversation moves to death.

I'm sure there are some good helpful books on bereavement for children. I've seen the charity Winston's Wish mentioned here - maybe try them?

Hope you are settling into your new place.

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