My dm died today

[Lavenderhoney]

I could really do with some help. I don't know what sort of help tbh, maybe something to guide me through what I am feeling. I am am either sobbing or completely still and watching a show on the iPad, sort of displacement on what has happened. With the dc I am serene, if that's a good word. With dh I am angry and irritable.

I have been freezing cold all day, and I know the house and I are warm.

I am quite frightened of how I feel and all the memories crowding in as it makes me feel out of control iyswim. I expect I will look at this later and think " what tosh, and self indulgent" and then burst into tears.

I don't know what to do to get through it. What do you do?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your DHs behaviour is unacceptable. It doesn't matter what he thought of your DM. He should be supporting you. Take care of yourself.

Dh asked me why I was crying yesterday. I said it was because my dm had just died. He just looked at me.

He was quite mean with ds twice which I pulled him up about - he kicked ds bottom as he was faffing - I went ballistic as I hate anything like that. He tried to say " it was just touch" but I don't care, I don't want ds treated like that. Dh stormed off and refused to come with us, as " I was always right, he was fed up with me etc etc"

He left me to take the dc swimming. In fact, he has been really useless. The morning I found out I still took the dc to school. H stayed home and had his coffee. It was a teacher who asked me if I was ok and I said my dm had just died. She asked where dh was and I said at home. She looked horrified and now spilt see why.

I can't deal it all. I want to leave him and take the dc away. I am so unhappy and I miss my dm. I want to g home, but there is no home.

You are having such a bad time, and your DH is making it so much harder. You are going through so many emotions right now, and your DH is not supporting you.
He clearly doesn't understand how you are feeling. Show him this thread.
Things do get easier, my DM died almost 4 months ago, but suddenly something catches me off guard, and I dissolve in to tears. Your DM was amazing to have organised and paid for her funeral! That takes supreme courage, to acknowledge you are dying and discuss all the details of your final rite of passage with a stranger...takes real strength.
Do show this to your rather unsupportive other half. He needs to know you need some love and care.
Take care of yourself have some and put your feet up today, you need to rest.

I'm so sorry, both for you losing your dear mum, and for the horrible realisation you are coming to about your DH. I have lost both my parents, dm in my early 20s and df last year. Both times my partner (a bf with dm and my dh at the moment) have surrounded me in a cocoon and done absolutely everything for me, staying up all night if necessary. I hope that's the right thing to tell you, because actually you need to be focussing on your grief right now, it's completely FINE for the children to know that you are bereaved and sad, and give you lots of cuddles. It's completely fine to lie around robbing and watching rubbish DVDs (which is what I did - mindless, emotionless watching followed by back breaking sobbing).

I also spent a lot of time in bed. I think you need to show your dh this thread or buy him a book or SOMETHING. Death is a life chain gin event - after my dm's I left my bf, my job, I even left London for another town - be aware that you are on a very different path emotionally right now... Look after yourself xxxx

Changing

Are there no relatives where your Mum was Lavender? I'm so angry with your H that I want to come round and shake him to be honest, where are you? (((((Hugs))))

I can't show dh this thread, he would feel I was being very disloyal posting on a forum!

I have relatives in the UK, but not close at all, they are scattered over the country. I think the last time I saw any of them was a family wedding about 8 years ago. My dm and df were not very family orientated people, they just liked each other really.

I have a db and dsis who I have been nc with for years. This is making me very stressed for the funeral and having to see them or have them speak to me. I am hoping a friend can come with me, I would even hire someone to come tbh.

I have heard finally from my two old friends. One is keen to help and be supportive, the other would love to but her life is too difficult at present ( just left her cheating LTR) I would like a call with her but she says no.
At least she is honest she has nothing to spare in terms of emotional support.

My dh is being a twunt still. I still want to leave him. He is carrying on as normal, expects me to do everything although he did cook dinner. He hasn't asked me how I feel or anything. Surely he can't be this stupid and thoughtless. How on earth did I end up married to him. My dm thought he was perfect and I never said anything so didnt worry her.

OK, scrap what I said about my dh, he was nothing like as bad as yours!
He is being a Class A twunt. Is he like this about other things? Does he ever support you?

Lavender, I'm so sorry, I don't know what to suggest, there is just no support from him at all. I was hoping there was somewhere to come back to here, but there's not.

Maybe this will be like a turning point (my parents death was) to change things, one thing it taught me was life is too short to be unhappy. It sounds so lonely at the moment, your h does not deserve you by the sounds of it. Get the funeral over with, surely he will be there to support you? And then, are you in a position to leave?

lavender I am very sorry for your loss. Please if / when you feel up to it come and join us on our thread
here
You will be very welcome. We are all in your situation

Lavender - so very, very sorry to read this thread. You deserve so much better from your H.

I lost my DF two years ago and it was awful. Memories come flooding back in high definition at all times of the day and night. Passport problems and having a three month old didn't help with the emotional stess but the one thing I did have was a DH who showed compassion and understanding.

Here supporting you,
Zimbo

Lavender, I'm so sorry. Is your DH usually unemotional? I think my exH found it very difficult, he really had no map of what to say or do.
Do yoy have to travel home for the funeral, is he coming with you?

This is so very hard for you. Are you north? South?
Maybe there is someone who lives near you who can just hold your hand. I am south East if that helps?
No one knows how tough it is to loose a parent until it happens, our mums & Dads seem invincible. Their time comes, our time will come too. We have each other now though to help us through, we hold tight to those who understand.
Please pm me, If you want a chat,
Take care
X

The worst thing is with all this from dh, I can't think about my dm. Its getting worse as I haven't been able to get the time mentally and I am quite frightened of being upset so just endlessly read books or sit with dc.
I think if I start crying I won't stop. Its very hard to take deep breaths and force myself to be ok.

I am living abroad at the moment, so I have to leave the dc with him to go to the funeral. I don't want to leave the dc with him, he wont bother to take them to school, like last time, and he is so bad tempered with them.

I can't afford to bring them, plus its a long haul flight, we have no where to stay except a hotel and my original plan was in and out in 2 days. Its too much for the dc. plus i dont want then at a funeral either. Dh says I am not taking the dc as I won't come back. He is right, unfortunately. It would be a real struggle to get on the plane to come back to him.

Her household effects are being removed and sold, just personal possessions left that she hasn't shared out already. All the jewellery has been done and anything else portable of value like that, she left her wishes. Its just the house and bank left.

I keep wanting to call her and I can't, not to discuss any of this, she knew nothing as I didnt want to worry and upset her for years because of her illness and she was housebound so nothing to do but worry. There is no one except me who wants to hear about my dc and how wonderful they are. Genuinely I mean, not polite interest.

D told me how nasty I was last night and how he didnt realise until now. This is because I told him how unhappy I am, and how I want things to change as I can't live like this. He says I am selfish and all about me to want to leave. He says he does nothing wrong and its all me.

I said I had talked to a friend today, and she didnt think I was nasty just wanted to change things. He shouted and said he thought I would be blabbing our personal stuff across town. I have to talk to someone, to validate and he says I am mental and need help.

Fuck what a mess

He sounds awful, just awful. Please tell you are not going to carry on living like this...have you a plan to leave?

My H told me for years I was mental and needed help when I asked for support or a hug.

YOu are neither my lovely and him not wanting you to 'blabb' is so you won't find out the truth about your lovely self.
I don't know why you are nc with siblings but would it be possible to reach out to them now? perhaps you could talk about dm together and then it wouldn't be so hard to meet them at the funeral.

Hang on you will get through this, its sounds like you have started to confide in some of your new friends as well so they may help you feel better.

when my mum died - i felt exactly like you. but my dh was a rock. I can't imagine being in your situation. he sounds like a complete utter wanker. utter toss potting wanker.

i am so very sorry for your loss xxxx

Thank you for your replies, I'm very grateful.

I am nc with siblings for years and there is such a difference of opinion it will never be ok. They are a lot older than me too, so we don't have a shared childhood either.

I am dreading the funeral and seeing them. I don't know what happens after a funeral. I don't want to g back to their houses at all, and I will be alone and they with dh/ dw and their grown dc, so it will be doubly difficult. If my sis in law has been drinking she will be loud and abusive. I feel quite sick at the thought and haven't booked my flight yet. It will be very emotive and they are all very volatile.

Other relatives won't come as they are too old, in hospital themselves etc. it also seems that my dm didn't tell everyone i was nc with siblings, and I have already had one auntie talk about family, and putting things in the past! I don't think so! I've been mucked about too much.

I suppose I will go to the funeral, then go to a hotel and wait to fly back. If it wasnt long haul I would do it in a day. I wish I had someone to go with.

What happens about wills and things? My db is in charge, so I assume he will do it all, whatever it is. Will I have to sign anything?

Dh is pretending nothing has changed. He is totally useless. I feel so indifferent towards him and its horrible when you don't care what someone thinks of you. So leave then:, if I'm so awful - ( but he won't.

Mummylin, I had a look at that thread and I am far too miserable, I would be like a big wet black dog hanging round.

Cjel, my new friends are happy to send little texts, but I think anything else is to much to ask of new friends - plus I don't know them well enough to tell things. The lady I told a bit has ignored me since we met up:) clearly I scared her off!

Sorry this is long.

long is good! you won't make us fed up. do you think that your friends may want the chance to get closer to you and help. I have made three lovely friends who I didn't know when I was with H, they are in contact with me day and night if I need it and its two way , they are also going through stuff I didn't know about and we have really made great company for each other. Don't assume its too much to ask, reach out and take the risk that they like you!!
Sorry about family you may find new friends with db and ds children if they ae grown up, I bet they would like to know their aunty.

and ((hugs)) for you. I'm sorry life is so hard right now.

Oh lavender, I am disgusted with your H on your behalf. How dare he be so inconsiderate! How much you got on with your mum is almost irrelevant - she is your MUM, you only get one, and once she's gone you don't have one around any more! (Sorry I know that sounds a bit bloody obvious but sometimes it helps to have it stated plainly).

Re. your nc siblings - I sympathise, being nc with my brother as well. It is a real shame that you have no one to go to the funeral with, unless the friend who HAS contacted you with support would be able to go with you?

I think it is perfectly reasonable to just go to the funeral service and then leave again, lots of people do. But there are all sorts of considerations - will you expect/be expected to travel in the family cars laid on by the funeral director? You can choose not to, just take a cab or get a hire car. Will you expect/be expected to speak at the funeral service? Do you know who the funeral director is, or indeed your mum's solicitor, because since you are nc with your sibs, you need to speak to someone who can give you the relevant information and the funeral director will (or should) know most of the answers, or be able to direct you to someone else who will.

Ignore your aunt. I had a well-meaning friend tell me that I should talk to my brother at my wedding, to which he amazingly came, but when I tried he just blanked me effectively so there really wasn't any point (but I suppose I could say I'd at least tried to be the bigger person and had it flung back in my face). Meh. That's just the sort of person he is.

When you say your brother is in charge of the Will, is he a solicitor? If not, even though he might be an executor, there should still be a solicitor involved (I know not always but there SHOULD be) so you probably will not need to worry about him doing all he should, as the sol. will make sure that it is done as it should be.

It does sound as though your H simply couldn't give a shit about your feelings as he's making no effort to understand them at all - perhaps making plans to leave him as well and start afresh would be a good plan. Do you know if you're likely to inherit anything from your DM, because it could be the escape fund you need.

And condolences on the loss of your mum - the serenity you're feeling is shock, I believe, so when it wears off expect some of the other stages of grief to kick in. ((((hugs)))) and and for you. xx

just wanted to say you are not alone. what a sad and stressful situation . Will pop back. x

How are you today Lavender? Keep your DCs close and feel their love.

Family politics is awful at the best of times. Allow yourself the time at the funeral to think of your Mum, to say your bye-byes and to reflect on the future.

Thinking of you.

Lavender, it seems that this has brought to light much deeper issues. Get through the funeral as best you can, but when you are feeling stronger again you may want to consider your longer future, as it sounds intolerable. I feel so sorry for you, because you sound lovely and do not deserve to be treated like a doormat.

Lavender I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum. Expected or not, close relationship or distant there is no preparation for grief and how it affects you.

I still have both my parents but have experienced grief in losing twin girls in late pregnancy. My eldest DS has also been very ill with cancer for the last two years. My ex h (stepfather to my two ds') was extremely cold, dismissive and mentally cruel whilst my DS was (and still is) desperately ill. I remember looking at my ex-h and thinking how could anyone be so cruel to their wife at such a hideous time. He then told me he could offer me no emotional or physical support and he resented the financial implications of me being in hospital with my DS. I knew that whatever the outcome for my DS I would never be able to forgive my ex-h and I started divorce proceedings against him. It was like my eyes suddenly saw the real him and no matter what else I was going through I did not want to spend another day of my life with him. Compared to the devastation of my son fighting cancer divorce was nothing!

Grieve for your mother as it feels right to you. You will find the strength to look at your relationship with your husband and start making plans to make it right or to leave him. I knew I could never forgive my ex-h so there was only one option for me.