My dm died today

[Lavenderhoney]

I could really do with some help. I don't know what sort of help tbh, maybe something to guide me through what I am feeling. I am am either sobbing or completely still and watching a show on the iPad, sort of displacement on what has happened. With the dc I am serene, if that's a good word. With dh I am angry and irritable.

I have been freezing cold all day, and I know the house and I are warm.

I am quite frightened of how I feel and all the memories crowding in as it makes me feel out of control iyswim. I expect I will look at this later and think " what tosh, and self indulgent" and then burst into tears.

I don't know what to do to get through it. What do you do?

Thank you again. I spent the day with dh and the dc, keeping as busy as possible.

thumbwitch, i don't know what questions I should have tbh. My dm said the house sale would be split between us siblings, and my db would get all off her bank balance, which could run to thousands. I have no intention of contesting anything. She said she had not used a solicitor as they were too expensive and my db would execute, he also got her the will form from the post office or wherever it was.

I have been told when and where the funeral will be, so I will fly in and out in a day. Dh said i didn't have to go if it was too much- it is very expensive and we can't really afford it.

. I will arrange a wreath tomorrow to go to the crematorium I guess.

Min mooch I have just read your post again and it sounds dreadful, what you have had to deal with. I hope your ds is doing well.

In fairness, if it's a long way to go and too expensive, AND there is no one there who you would care to see, then I kind of think it might be ok to give it a miss.

BUT it's a case of thinking about it in terms of regret - would you regret NOT going? Would you feel guilty about missing it? If so, then hang the expense, go anyway.

Is your H suggesting you miss it out of concern for you, or because he'd rather you didn't spend the money?

He says its up to me, and I think its a bit of both tbh. He said I should save the money and take the dc on a lovely holiday instead. I hate flying and don't want to go, but I think I should go and I think if I don't I will regret it and people will think how horrible i am and i will think how horrible i am. Dh would prefer I didn't go and is delaying booking flights. So I have to push him.

I spoke to my db and he said he wasn't happy to discuss the terms of mums will over the phone or on email incase someone was listening. He is quite friendly on the phone. He and his wife plan to buy dm place and sell theirs, I don't see how they will afford it tbh, but that's his lookout. Unless he wants it cheaper, I don't know.

I know my dh is being a twunt. I have never told anyone what he is like, as its easier not to. I would have to do something then and they thought exhausts me and I have no money. He has come up with a plan that I live in the UK and he stays abroad so we might go for that, and dc see him and me holidays. It sounds really lonely though. And the dc would miss him and he them, so I feel very selfish even thinking it.

I started crying at the shops yesterday and he was quite nasty, saying I always spoilt the day. I can't manage. A very old friend wrote and said she knew I was unhappy and did I want to write and tell her anything? I said yes, but when I started the email I can't tell her. I just can't. There is nothing she can do, it will just be worrying her when she can't do anything. I feel pretty stupid anyway.

Hi Lavender - I think you should go to the funeral and if you can afford it bring your children too. This is your mother and a funeral is saying goodbye. Where do you live? Here in the US they have therapists who deal with loss. My friend lost her mother 3 years ago after losing her father when she was a small child. Her mother died a week after her wedding. My friend saw someone twice a month for six months. It cost her $500.

I think your DH is another problem that you need to address. He clearly doesn't want to be married to you. Is there a reason he doesn't want a divorce?

Wanttibesuoermum, I don't want my young dc at a funeral, at all. They didnt have a close relationship with my dm as we lived abroad so making them do longhaul flights, and cope with a funeral and me, plus the thousands of pounds to bring them too, doesn't make sense to me.

Its upset me re reading this thread that the only option for me is to leave - I don't think I can manage with the idea my dh doesn't want to be married to me but won't divorce me. Is tha why he is so horrible? he never used to be like this. I can't think straight. There seems to be no safe subject I can think of without sobbing.

I'm hoping after the funeral everything will be alright.

Oh Lavender ((((hugs)))).

You have to do what is right for you as well as for your DC, but you can only do what you can manage.

Go back, go to the funeral, but try to see any good friends you have left there as well. Tell them - you might find being able to talk to someone face to face will help clarify things for you, and they might be able to offer practical help.

Re your brother trying to buy your DM's house - this sounds very concerning (we are at the, hopefully, tail end of 8 years of dealing with a shared house and various Wills/probate - it's been bloody awful) and may result in you losing out. If he has control over the sale, then he, if he's that sort of person, could fiddle the price to one he can afford and only give you a percentage of what you're actually entitled to. But I agree that you shouldn't contest it, galling though it is, because it will just cost you more money longterm and drag everything out longer, to say nothing of the stress of it!

Give yourself some time and space to deal with the immediate fall-out of your mother dying before you start worrying about anything else - but yes, it probably would be a good idea to start making contingency plans to leave your H.

I am so confused. I don't want leave my dh as I'm sure if we both try harder it will be ok. We used to be great. Can you go back ( or forward)?

I don't like living abroad. I have done it for 5 years and I have tried everything and I just don't like it. Our lifestyle and family life is different to what it would be if we were in the UK but maybe we would have the same problems I don't know. Here, we are just saving money, and life is passing us by, dc are getting older, and so am I.

I don't think moving back to the UK is a magical solution and dh doesn't want to though he said I could go and he would see us at holidays but he would miss the dc. He said he would stay and extra 2/3 years to save as he earns more here, and a significant amount than if we were in the UK.

I hadn't thought that about dm house. Its in a very wealthy area, but the house needs a new kitchen, and redecorating. Dm kept up the gardener so its not bad outside. My db says its not worth much though, needing that work.

I don't know what to think or do for the best. Probably nothing. Been like this for a few years now. Dc want to look at photos later, which I am dreading.

Lavender - as I said, don't think about it now, you're in a very emotional place with just losing your mum, the thought of another loss right now could be too overwhelming for you.

I hope that you and your H can work things out - but really you need to, LATER ON, sit and discuss things.
A few questions you might like to think about then: Why is he so keen to stay where you are? But happy for you to go back to the UK? Is it just the money or does he have more of a life outside the family home that you don't share?

If you were to go back to the UK, do you have a set place you would return to or would you be starting from scratch again? Because in reality, it sounds like you are lost and lonely, and moving to a new area in the UK won't improve that.

Anyway, look, I've suggested you leave all this until you've at least got the funeral out of the way and started to at least come to terms with losing your mum, so I'm not going to add any more questions, or ill-timed commentary now - come back and start another thread about it if/when you feel like it.

In the meantime, best of luck with all the travel to the funeral etc. and have another (((hug))).

Lavender Big hugs... I didn't see that you had young children. You should def go. Try not to think of your relationship issues right now.

I have decided to go. I am waiting for dh to book it. He is taking his time. My niece is going to come and look after me, and give me a bed for the night. She is very sensible and doesn't take any crap off anyone,plus has a high powered job in London so we are all a bit in awe of her:)

Letting her help me when I am used to doing everything myself is a first for me. Normally I would instantly refuse help as I always would rather manage alone, car hire, hotels.. . I just can't be arsed this time. Is this a sign of age?

I am putting dh on the back burner. Rather too much to deal with, plus the tell friends I have told, one has ignored me since and the other is of the opinion I should suck it up for the kids. As she is.

I haven't written to my oldest friend. I have tried to start emails and can't put it down in words very well. Plus what can she do? She lives in the US as well. Single:) not one for LTR. And no dc. Not really a good choice of confidante perhaps. I think I am finalising realising how stupid I am tbh, in almost everything I do.

"I think I am finalising realising how stupid I am tbh, in almost everything I do."

Lavender - again, not the time to be beating yourself up, but please please please DON'T think that. You may or may not have made good decisions, I can't tell, none of us can at the moment - but you made those decisions with the information you had at the time, that does NOT make you stupid. It makes you the same as most of the rest of us!

Kick your DH up the arse to make the booking asap - the longer he leaves it, the more likely it is to be even more expensive! Also, stupid question, why can't YOU book it? do you not have a credit card?

Hurrah for your niece! If your H continues to be an utter arse about booking your flight, is there any chance she could do it for you and you pay her back? That way at least you would know it was done (if you really can't do it yourself).

As for the friends whom you have already told about your situation, the one who has told you to "suck it up" - well, that's what she's doing so of course she won't want to see you do any different! Doesn't mean you can't though, at some point in the future, should you decide that's what you want.

I'm sorry there is all this going on , but I want to say you are no way stupid! just because one woman has chosen to live in a miserable marriage doesn't mean its right or she is more clever?. But for now concentrate on getting through today. Make no decisions about your future life. Do what you need to to take care of yourself todayx

Thanks again:)

I am going to concentrate on the funeral and worry about dh after. He's not going to go away, and I suppose we will have yet another big talk after.
Rather strangely, today he started to pick on me, then abruptly stopped and apologised. Makes me wonder if he has been on mn or seen an email. Its so unlike him I wondered what had changed. I have a sinking feeling he might be having an affair tbh, but that can wait as well.

Been thinking of you Lavender and hoping that you've been coping.

Going to the funeral is a good decision - no regrets and, who knows, maybe renewed ties with more distant members of the family.

How did looking at the photos go? Soon after my DF died I clicked on our 'images' and up came a photo of him wearing his silly Spamalot tshirt with the words, 'I'm not dead yet', written on it. He was grinning like an idiot in the photo. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Take care .

We didnt look at photos. Dh didnt want to. He has been staying out late and getting drunk, or of course falling asleep on the sofa watching dreadful tv.

I said I have had enough, but he says if I leave I have to choose a child. This won't happen will it? I can't do that. He did say later he would move back to the UK but he would make sure I realised he didn't want to. He doesn't seem to get I don't want him with me. He is an idiot. He is very successful in his professional life. How can you have a great business reputation but be such a twunt in your personal life?

I am trying to concentrate on DM and the funeral. I am more worried about him with the dc. H is a impatient man. He has never done bedtime. He isn't interested in their routines and says it will be fine. He shouts at ds if he wets the bed. I stopped him hitting ds in the car park by when he raised his hand I shouted " no hitting kids" really loudly. And he stopped and hissed " people are looking, why did you shout that" anything to stop him.

He went out last night and didnt come home until 3.00pm, and drunk. He is unhappy but because I am too demanding and never happy. Lovely.

When you are through with the funeral, and have time to catch your breath, I guess you will need to look again at your future.

It has to be better than your present, and you deserve so much more

Dd is ill now. She is very poorly. I can just see the drama unfolding as I have to fly this week. She has breathing problems and needs to be nebulised, often in the night. She has vomited as well, which she last did last year when the dc got d&v and I had the joy of 5 nights Chinese laundry and up all night. Dh is watching telly. He told me to pull myself together. I told him to fuck off.

An I haven't ordered a wreath. Where do I do that? I want To do it online. I emailed the funeral company and haven't heard back from them. Ffs.

I still haven't heard back from my old friend, so I can only assume they have no idea what to say, and so will say nothing. Or, and I hope not, their df has gone downhill even more ( advanced stages alzeimers) and they too are in abject misery and in no place to reply.

I am incredibly pissed off with myself for telling them I had a problem ( major dumping email, i read again just now and cannot believe i sent) as I miss the jolly banter between us and now I can't even escape with that as they now know I am very unhappy and have been using them as an escape.

Send friends that last para as you just wrote it here. Be honest and open to them and say you wish you hadn't moaned so much
You've nothing to loose!

hope dd is better quickly, H isn't helping is he? email funeral directors again.

How you feeling?

Oh Lavender. I'm so sorry for everything you are going through.

Bit numb really. I know my dm would be pissed off I left the dc and flew to the UK for her funeral. She was of the opinion men couldn't be trusted with dc anyway.

I will wait til Monday to contact my friend. That allows for travel, them worrying what to write, etc, and me calming down with the panic at all this stuff being out there. Shit, what was I thinking! I even gave examples and it ran to pages.

perhaps post here instead!! You have few days before travelling and dcs pick up so quick so keep hopingxx

Cjel, I took your advice and sent a little text. Sat on my hands waiting for a reply- They said they were thinking of a reply which owing to the length of my email was taking longer than usual

Oh god, its bad enough when mn posters advise to ltb, but a rl person who you can't nc and ignore is much harder. Hence the flapping from me.

I'm going to call the funeral place tomorrow, and see what to do about flowers.

Ds is up now. He doesn't feel well. Dd is asleep. Fingers crossed ds and dd are ok as they can be in the morning.

made me very nervous to read you were taking my advice. Glad it went ok -phew-
Hope your dcs sleep well tonight so you get some rest.
Its sunday here tomorrow so funeral directors may not be open?x

Cjel, don't be nervous, I wanted to anyway:)

The funeral directors are supposed to be 24 hr, so I'm hoping they answer and can help. Then I guess it will be interflora.

Dd is at home from school today, docs later. She is on the sofa very poorly and sad.