Please join us here if you have lost a parent and need support (3)

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again on a brand new thread,hopefully we can all move on a bit to a more accepting phase in our lives.

Oh you are all so sad today.agnesmum it sounds like a beautiful service held for your mum, glad your brother managed to get through the eulogy, my brother did the same. I hope you took some comfort from the people who came to pay their respects to your dear mum , she sounds a dearly loved person.
supermario it will indeed be a sad day, especially foryou and your mums dh. Will you be seeing him tomorrow. Life is so cruel to snatch away happiness.
badvoc as you say you are needed at home and you don't feel comfortable going, I'm sure your mum will be ok .Very glad to hear she as been discharged from hospital, it's been a few months hasn't it.
ssd I think it hits home when you see all the families out together mums and daughters especially, we long for it to be us.
I heard today my aunts funeral will be next Friday, the service at a church, but then as I have mentioned to the dreaded crem.i am really worried about going there. I will be ok if it's a different room than my mums service was held in , but if its the same one I don't know if I can face it. But I will have at least two of my brothers with me, so that is something

I hope it is in a different room for you mummy linn least then you won't be reliving each bit of the service. probably won't see him tomorrow but maybe if he's off work

mummylin hope it isnt the same room for the crem. Will be thinking of you.

Well my contract is coming to an end and a new one is starting in a few weeks, temping is hard as I meet great people but oh well moving on again!

Thank gawd its sunny! Meant to get snow though next week!?! Certainly cold enough!!

Enjoying my day off catching up on the soaps, i mean housework
Hope everyone is ok today the best you can be.
Thinking of you ssd and Biscuits, here anytime.

hugs supermario do something you know your mum would like you to do, hope the day goes the best it can.

xx

I know that feeling Badvoc. This week has been so hard. It will be dd2's 3rd birthday in four weeks and I'd normally be planning what cake I'm going to make her but just can't get the enthusiasm for it.

Having a bad day today. I feel rubbish, miss my mum and have a heavy cold, just feel rotten.

I think it's starting to sink in that she's really gone now that all the phone calls have been made and the funeral mostly arranged. We can't have the funeral till Tuesday week, it gives us longer to sort things but it just seems so far away. I just want my mum.

Kat...the waiting is awful. It was 2.5 weeks for my dad and that last week was utterly desolate.
Sorry you feel ill - it's very common to get viral illnesses after someone has died apparently - something to do with the immune system being suppressed due to the stress?
Hope you feel better soon x
Ds1 has come home from school upset - can't gets. Thing out of him. We have been down is road before years ago and he was being badly bullied :(
Feel sick :(

The waiting is horrible we had such a long weight felt like we were in limbo. sorry I've not been posting much really struggling with these anniversaries. saw mums husband today it's not fair he should be on holiday or out for a meal planning his retirement not visiting his 45 yr old wife's grave. I am firmly in the "life can be a total and utter pile of bollocks" camp tonight when usually I put on a happy face

wait even stupid predictive text. The boys tv has just completely given up the ghost and I've split my shoes in half standing on something sharp today is not going well

Supermario I've been in the "life stinks" camp today too. I've mostly been okay this week but now most things have been sorted I just feel lost. Hope things get better for you soon.

Badvoc sorry your DS seems to be having a rough time. I hope he's not being bullied, I was for a long time and its hard.

I've been the worst mum today, have no patience with the kids. Everything seems so desolate now most of the phone calls and arrangement have been made. I'm trying to think of songs for the crem, I can't think of one for the end.

My mum didn't have any life insurance or funeral cover and neither me or my dad have any money. It's awful trying to arrange mums funeral but everything having to cost a little as possible. I want the best if everything for her but we don't even have the money for a funeral car to go behind the hearse . I hate it so much.

they are so expensive aren't they. I hope you find a way, there is a Bereavement fund I believe towards the funeral of a certain amount although I think it is only 2000. it is hard to believe that this time twelve months ago I was in the Christie hospital entrance with all mums various bags going home to tell ds she had died felt like an orphan standing there with all these bags it's surreal looking back on it that no-one batted an eyelid at the 5 of us leaving there in the state we did. that place must see a lot of sadness

Oh Kat :( :(
Look, the funeral is for the people left behind. It's not a case of the more £ you spend the more you loved the person. So please don't worry about that.
I am sure the funeral will be a fitting send off for your dear mum. You have nothing to reproach yourself for.
Ds is ok - ish. I said to dh last night that he was either being bullied or coming down with something and lo behold he had a fall out with his best friend yesterday and woke up this morning with tonsillitis! :(
So, need to go on a calpol run tomorrow.

My dad did have an insurance policy but it only paid for just over half of the final cost.
That's a good point about the bereavement fund...would your dad qualify for that? (has to be next of kin to apply I think)

you have to be on certain benefits to qualify for the bereavement fund. I did qualify, but as I had siblings who are on no benefits at all then this cancels out me qualifying, it was expected the bill would be shared amongst the siblings who could pay, so I got nothing and I paid the bill by myself, they didnt offer to help. (why is no one surprised at this eh .)

Hi all.kat you really don't need a second car. My mum hated the thought of funeral directors making money from her and would of been pleased that we just followed the hearse in our own cars. my neighbour had no money to pay for her dh,s funeral and got it paid for. She even had a certain sum allocated for flowers. But as ssd has said I'm not sure how people qualify for this, it's certainly worth a try. Your mum wouldn't mind how you do things , all she wanted was your love and she has that in bucket fulls.we were lucky that mum had some money on the bank so we could pay almost straight away but we would of struggled otherwise.
Sorry that you are unhappy supermario it's very understandable at the moment, things will get better.
To everyone. Hope you are all doing as well as can be expected and still just getting by day by day.

Crazy I'm so sorry to read your news. I agree with the others that it doesn't matter what you spend or whether you have a funeral car...all that matters is that you will be there to honour your mum in the best way you can. It will be a very hard day, but you will get through it. And I think that some of us have found that the funeral, although very draining and exhausting and surreal, can be a lovely day too, in a strange sort of way.

ssd That is just shite, I can't believe you had to pay for it all without help. :(

Hello everyone else, hope you are all getting on as best as you can.

I always made sure mum had enough money to pay for this, but I should have been able to get the help as I qualified....my mum got this when my dad died. crazy, look up bereavement help on the www.gov.uk website, but if there is money being left to anyone, or money left in the account of your loved one, or you have siblings who dont qualify you dont get any help. It is shite!

I have had a really sad day today too. It's now 7 weeks since Mum died and I think the realisation is only just setting in now.

I have cried on and off all day. I miss her so much.

Am sad to hear that FriendofDorothy. I have found that the realisations come and go. A lot of the time I am just going about my life as best I can, with the constant awareness somewhere in the back of my mind that my parents are now dead. And then every so often, the realisation comes back afresh and it almost paralyses me. I find myself wondering where they are and how it could be that they have gone.

And in some ways, I am finding it harder as time goes on, because my memories of them alive and breathing and speaking are getting further and further away. Now it is photos and things in boxes; that is what remains of my parents. I can no longer say to myself 'I hugged him/her 2 weeks ago'. It is 14 weeks since dad died and 4 weeks since mum died.

I have been feeling very angry this week. The Tesco advert- as mentioned upthread- made me feel sick with rage and despair. I have felt resentful of people with parents, or even one parent. I don't want to be angry or jealous but it's just how I feel at times, so I will let those feelings pass through with an understanding that they are just my reactions to my huge losses.

Sorry Friendof, I just intended to reply to you and not witter on about myself but sometimes it all just pours out. I'm sorry today has been hard for you, and sorry also to say that there will be plenty more of those...BUT, there will be good days too, and lots of 'ok' days. We just have to go with the flow.

feel just the same as you both , especially ou waterlego, am insanely jealous of anyone with a parent let alone two. It doesnt go away, dont know if it ever will

Don't think the feelings will ever go away, but our acceptance of the situation becomes easier and we learn to live our lives without them. I have no idea how long this takes, but I am sure that eventually we will all learn to laugh again and love life once again . It is hard when you are in the pits of despair to think how can we possibly ever have a "normal" life without them in it. But in a way we owe it to our deceased mums/ dads to have the best life that we can. This is I am sure what they would want for us all. I'm sure we will always talk about them, but eventually it will be without the pain that we are all feeling now.like you all say. The feelings catch you unaware sometimes and it's like a real physical pain that wont go away. We will all get there.
ssd that is utter shite that you were left to foot the bill on our own, your siblings should feel ashamed of themselves, very angry on your behalf

friend of Dorothy 7 weeks is no time Hun. The quandary of emotions and feeling life's crap and howling I want my mum through god knows how many tears, be kind to yourself surround yourself with people who won't stress you and take each minute, day, as it comes. Try to do something you like.
I've learnt over time grief can make me very ill. Dark, depressed and also angry.
Some days even now I can get angry but I can smile about a memory and also I talk to her she will always be with me.
But at 7 weeks I was exactly the same as you.
I feel like that a bit less now but it's been over time this has got easier. But I miss her like mad. And I know though she was kicking me up the arse to get out of bed and get on in the very dark life's crap days.
Massive hugs to you it is absolutely awful.
I'm at the stage where I have to not think about my loss too much as its too painful and will bring me down big time. But I remember her and talk about her light hearted
But she's tucked in mine and my family's hearts xx

Ssd- that is terrible what your siblings done! My brother will know it big time! I guess from the beginning I've kicked his arse to split being there for my dad as I know I was being taken for granted. I think I still am a bit.
But I'm used to being there more for my dad.
Ill pm Hun x

Badvoc - hope ds is better soon and can get it sorted.
Kat - will be thinking of you I echo the sentiments about the cars. My dad has actually said for us to follow in ours. Tbh I wouldn't be able to follow in a hurse after my mums it killed me the pain of that was unbearable.

Fod - I forgot to say I had 4 sessions with cruse and I really think they helped me as I was in massive shock as what happened to my mum was completely out the blue. She was totally fine when she went to bed. I also phoned the he generic cruse helpline when I was really bad a few times.

Hi to water Lego ( still thinking of you ) and supermario
Biscuits - hope things are going ok, my thoughts are with you and here anytime. We're catch up before Christmas hopefully x
Mummylin , Agnes mum and anyone I've missed
Love to all x

Thinking of you all on here, feeling so sad for you but hope you get some comfort from the support on here, I certainly am. However kind people are, unless they have been through something similar, they find it hard to understand. Every now and again I think of my Mum and shed a ear, still feels unreal that she has gone. It has been three weeks now since she died. I am putting on a brave face and trying to get on as normal which she wanted. Looking after my dad too which is keeping me busy. She will always be in my heart and she knew how much I loved her.

By the way we didn't have a separate car to follow the hearse, my Mum thought funeral cars a waste of money and I think she was right. She wanted to have the cheapest funeral ever , she did and it was lovely.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice about mums funeral. I feel a lot better now. I just want the best for her but I know deep down she wouldn't have wanted me and my dad to get into debt for her. My dad will get a bereavement payment which will cover most of the cost thankfully.

Badvoc I can't believe your siblings left you to pay for everything. I'm an only child but I think I'd find it very hard to be the same with siblings after that.

Today has been a better day - partly thanks to everyone's kind words about the funeral having to be on a tight budget. My dad is going back to work tomorrow, I think it will help him to have something to do as he's never been good at just sitting around - over 20 years in the forces will do that. It will be hard not having anyone to phone during the day for a chat .

Agnesmum its so hard in these early days without your mum, I keep picking up the phone to tell her something and then remember she's not here anymore. I hope each day gets a little easier for you.

Having a huge wobble. Lost dad over 20years ago and mum2 years ago. Relationship with (d) h rubbish. He actually asked me on the day of my mums funeral why was I crying? Feel so alone.

Incidentally I have siblings but they see me as the strong one. (Despite being the youngest). They really have no idea how hard things have been for me,