Please join us here if you have lost a parent and need support (3)

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again on a brand new thread,hopefully we can all move on a bit to a more accepting phase in our lives.

I was going upstairs till a minute ago, n to bed but to go on ,y comp, nw dh as gone up there to do some paperwork so I will stay here now. I usually fall asle in the armchair and wake about 2 or 3 am , then go to bed ' was gone 8 wen I woke this am. Came down, made a cupp went back to bed with it and hen fell back to sleep till eleven ! My hours are all wrong.

Was back up daft early again. ds being a horror this morning . He has been put to buddy a child in class and since then is being a bloody nightmare

I don't know if I feel better after seeing cruse mummylin, but it did open my eyes a bit. I literally cried the whole time about my siblings lack of support. I just cant understand it. The cousellor said he could tell they'd grown away from mum but I didnt realise that.But the way they've gone back to normal life after mum dying has shook me to the core, they havnt been there for me at all, but going over how its been in my family for so long I dont know why I expected more. I just expected them to know how devastated I was after mum dying, but it all passed them by. I dont think mum would have been surprised, I think she knew where the land lay. But I dont know why i cant get over it, I'm really shook by it and consumed by it. I just expected more, them being family. But I was wrong. It makes me feel even more alone than just losing mum. The counsellor said this himself. Reading all about families and the close ties they have (which to me is completely natural) makes me feel so isolated. I need to get over this feeling, the counsellor said loasing mum blew my feelings about my siblings sky high and brought it all out, he's right.

I'm not sure what to think now, just keep mulling it over and over in my head, being told just to forget them doesnt work and telling them, not yet, am far too fragile for that yet. And none of it affects them in the slightest.

It's obvious that you were the one who was closest to your mum ssd and that's why you have felt it all the most.But it's a hard thing to realise that not everyone feels the same way and feels it so badly. To a lesser extent I am the one who was closest and the one who can't get on with ,ife properly, but unlike yours my siblings have been great but they all have been able to get on as normal. What position in the rank of siblings are you ? I am the oldest of 6. I suppose it's difficult to think that the rest of the siblings have virtually just left you to get on with things . But you hold your head up highssd you are the one who did it all after your mum died etc.

How about writing a letter to them saying exactly what you want to say, no holding back.You. don't have to post it but it may help you get your thoughts in some sort of order to see the written word and may help you to get rid of the things you want to say but can't .

was thinking more about this taking the dc's to school there. and I realized the reason they haven't been there for me is because they aren't missing anything. they haven't had a bond with me or mum for years so when she died life just carried on for them. they aren't missing the family bond I crave so much as they haven't had this for years. this has been a revelation for me. I could never understand how they could leave everything about looking after mum to me and never ask how I was, or worry about mum, it just never occurred to them. The feelings were never there. and I think deep down my mum knew this, although she never said, she just accepted it. my cousin told me I need to face reality and shes right, its just hard to undo years of conditioning where you think your older siblings will care about you. it feels like a hard lesson to learn but I need to do it to stop caring about all this.

I'm sorry everyone, I'm not usually so me me me, I just need to get my feelings out here as its the only place I can. I feel so much for all of you too, I'm not just ignoring everyone, I know how much you are all suffering out there .

I'm the youngest by 14 years mummylin, my siblings had the best of mum and dad health wise but I was always the closest. The letter is a great idea, thanks. In some ways my siblings were like another version of mum and dad for me, they did things with me your parents would do, they werent like siblings, more like another mum or dad sort of. Then when mum and dad got old and needy they became invisible, left it all to me, who had a young family and short of money, they had good careers by then and grown up kids and could travel the world when it suited them, having an old needy mum wasnt part of their plans, too much work for them, best to leave it to ssd, shes always there , meanwhile I was driven daft with kids in primary and a mum on her eighties and no help with either of them. But c'est la vie. I suppose this sort of stuff is what makes the world turn. When mum died her warden told me she felt loved and that made me glad, I couldnt have bared for her to feel like a burden or someone who we visited once in a blue moon between foreign holidays and big careers. She was worth so much more than that.

There is your answer then ssd you are the one who had the closest bond so you are the one who would feel it the most. I do think your siblings should of been there for you but it was probably easier for them to let you get on with things.you know that you did the best that you possibly could for your mum. Before and after she died . They can't say the same. They probably haven't given a thought to how you feel / felt and maybe think you feel the same as they do. They don't actually know how hurt you have been by their indifference towards you. It's all very sad but I think you have to accept this is how it was for them. Don't let yourself suffer because of their short sighted ness and lack of empathy towards you. Feel proud that ^youwere the one who was there for your mum, which I'm sure she appreciated so much. We are all heressd*

My ds2 was a bit of a nightmare this morning too SM. Dh is away for 2 days from today and he let me have a lie in...sadly I came downstairs @8 am and ds2 hadn't even had breakfast yet!
So he has hardly eaten anything and I got all stressed and upset with dh.
Great start to the day :(
Feel like a pretty crappy mother today already :(
I am the eldest of 3. I have always had a different relationship with mum and dad than my siblings. My brother hardly ever goes to mums now. Prior to dads death he was there everyday. I can't imagine how that must make mum feel. My sister and I try our best but we can't be there 24/7. In fact my sister has stopped going as much as she did. I don't know why.
I think I know how you feel ssd. I have siblings who, in fact, live closer to mum than I do, and yet at the same time I feel so alone with it all.
Dh tries to understand but of course he can't, not really.
I feel ill today (period) and am not going to mums this morning and I am sat here feeling very guilty...sigh.

thanks mummylin xxx

and badvoc x

Ooh I just had a delivery supermario thank-you so much, it will take pride of place on my tree . It's really sweet ( and doesn't have 3 legs ) how lovely to get something though the post !

that was super quick post. I actually wrote supermariossister on the back incase you all wondering what the hell it was. just outed myself to your postman

Sorry it's been a while.
Kat I'm so sorry to hear your news. I didn't stop either when my mum died - people were offering to do all sorts of things for me but I didn't dare stop as I kind of needed all the activity. Hope your family are being supportive.

ssd glad the counsellor heolped you talk through some things - I think the letter is a great idea. The fact that your mum felt loved and cared for in her last days is something you can really feel proud of - all the more so because you were the only one who was there to do it.

supermario did you get your bin back?

Badvoc as ever I can completely relate! DD is becoming a horror with night wakings and refusing to get up in the morning; then at the end of the day I get complaints about how she's 'tired' and 'doesn't listen' at nursery. Feels relentless at the moment. Hope you feel better soon.

I've had tests this last week to work out why ovarian cysts were causing me so many problems; fortunately after a couple of nerve-wracking weeks and many tests it seems that they're benign after all, which is good news. Dad came with me to the final scan in order to look after DD and I couldn't stop thinking 'what on earth can I say to him if this is cancer?" - less worried for me experiencing it than for him having to go through the whole thing again. I'm quite irritable (and sore) these days and had a shouting match with DH this morning which is not like me at all - just feels like I need looking after and it isn't going to happen any time soon. DH "really needs" his assorted sports so he can relax; while I have to ask him to look after DD while I check on Dad or go to the cemetery. Would just like something fun back, it feels like this year has been sorely lacking in it.

Vlad...yep. I was a shouty ranty nightmare this morning :(
I would love someone to look after me for a bit. Just a bit. But with Dh away for 2 days it ain't happening any time soon!
Oooh! Postie has just been! Got my lovely little robin :) I will post a pic when we decorate the tree :)

I would come and look after you all I like to look after folk hope you feel better soon it is hard when health problems occur it is easy to get scared especially when we have seen what we have. I'm so glad the robins have arrived safe

Hi all
Kat I'm so sorry to hear about you mum, thinking of you xx

SuperMario is it too late to ask for a Robin please? They sound lovely :-)

Ssd your session with cruse sounds like it was hard going. Well done for sticking with it, when's your next appointment? I guess we go to these things expecting a miracle cure but these things will take time to work through, you have lost a huge part of your life. That's so nice of that lady to tell you your mum knew she was loved.

T well done for telling that woman how it is! People just don't realise how much they'll miss those phone calls. Hope you're having a good week, I'll get back to you soon.
Hi to everyone else, mummylin, badvoc, Vlad and anyone else I've missed xx

nope I've still got quite a few I had a Robin making session haha. Just pm me your address I'll post it Thursday when I go to town

Thanks supermario, will do x

Just written out the the envelope whilst waiting for ds friends batman stocking to dry. no Christmas shopping today but I keep checking the bargain thread how is everyone

I am busy putting all my meaning stuff away in my new bathroom cupboard, never had one before, just have to clean the top half of window but now I can't reach it ! Will have to get a stool. I hate being such a shortarse sometimes. So much stuff so little space !

Hahaha meaning = cleaning

vlad glad to see that you are ok health wise. It's scary isn't it and we always tend to think the worst .and I agree with you about the looking after. We are expected to look after everybody else, but who s there to look after us ? No-one we just get on with things as best as we can. I think when something so life changing has happened it's normal to get irritated by the small things. No - one understands the impact that bereavement has on us unless they have been through it themselves.

supermario, I got my robin too, thank you so much! I already know where I'm putting it, in my handbag where I keep mums keyring, it'll feel like a link to this thread and a link to mum. thank you so much xxx

vlad, am so glad things arent what they might have been, thats great news for you, such a relief for you xx

badvoc, I hope you feel better soon and you get a chance of a bit of rest, if you were nearer I'd babysit to give you a night off!

bisuits, yes it was hard going, the next one is friday, dont know if I'll go but feel I've nothing left to lose so might as well. Just hope I get a bit of feed back from the counsellor, I'm no good with empty silences I just chat and chat or rather cry and cry!! Would appreciate his feedback on it all but as he said he's not there to judge or give opinions, just listen.

mummlin, thanks for you advice, as always xx

t875 hope the job is not to bad and your going along as best you can xx

feeling the love today guys glad you all like the robins