Please join us here if you have lost a parent and need support (3)

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again on a brand new thread,hopefully we can all move on a bit to a more accepting phase in our lives.

Sorry to hear this kat, I hope you are getting to spend as much time with her as possible.

We are getting to that time of year can't believe that I won't have seen her face for a year, made her a bru or rescued a mouse from her demon cat. feeling glum today

crazykat, I'm so sad to read that. Really hope your mum will be kept comfortable and pain free and that you're able to spend some time sitting with her and holding her hand. Hard times :(

supermario What date is the anniversary? I know people say time heals but in some ways it must feel harder as time goes on.

crazycat, I also meant to add: keep talking to your mum, if you feel able to. With both of my parents, it was very unclear at the end as to whether they could hear us, but the hospice staff told us that the hearing is the last thing to go. I saw little glimmers and signs that they might be listening (tiny movements on their faces), so I talked to them when I could, or read or sang to them. If nothing else, it made me feel like I was doing something good for them. I told them how much I loved them, I told them happy and funny memories and thanked them for who they were and the lives they'd led.
I feel for you- it's such an overwhelming and exhausting thing to go through. Keep putting one foot in front of the other; it's all you can do.

And so it continues. Had a text at 7.15 am this morning, my friend has had a stroke and is in hospital. S far this week. My aunty died Monday night. Another friend had op on tues. and now this I was only with her yesterday and she seemed fine. They are saying she has a clot in her brain. What a terrible week this is turning out to be. It is her second one.

kat, I'm so very sorry.. Try to treasure the time left with your dear mum, hopefully you'll be able to draw some strength from this in the future.

feeling down here too, think its the "happy" time of year with everything thinking about xmas and the rubbish weather.....we all need a week in the sun girls.

got my appt for cruse tomorrow, but its with a man...I wanted a woman....don't know how I feel about this......

there isnt a woamn available on that day, so its a man or nothing...what do any of you think of that?

men just seem a different breed sometimes

Lin...so much to bear in such a short time.
I am thinking of all of us today as we walk this weary road together x

ssd I think that men can be by sympathetic and I would go to your apt. I havea male doc and would rather see him than the woman doc we have at our surgery. I'm sure it will be fine and he is obviously a caring person because he wouldn't be doing the work he does, go for it !

Sorry to hear your news mummy linn it is awful all these things at once. I agree that the men are easier to talk to often than women. anniversary is the 16th keep being told should mark it somehow but unlike her birthday I don't see the day as her death as anything to celebrate in her honour rather something to ignore and just get through.

thought of you guys today and got a pack of envelopes so have packed the robins up so far written mummylin and badvocs envelopes. still have some more robins if anyone needs or wants. :)

All the best ssd! Thinking of you and with ya all the way. I'd see how it goes. I've spoke to you already. But I'd def go for it. (((Hugs)))

Thanks everyone. I was there all afternoon yesterday but had to leave to feed the DCs. I went back up last night for a while once she was in the new bed downstairs. I stuck photos of the DCs to the wall next to her and she looked at them straight away so I know she's still there even if only a little.

The doctor who arranged the bed and carers has left a prescription for morphine at the surgery so we just have to phone and a nurse will bring it out.

I've seen her today and was talking to her but she's very sleepy. I'm trying to sort out my parents bills as my dad has never had to - he went straight from home to the army then was married so bills have always been sorted by someone else.

Thinking of you Supermario. It was my BIL first anniversary last month and it was hard. Like you say it's a day you just want to get through. We did let balloons off with a message attached which seemed to help SIL and nieces.

Waterlego, we keep talking to my mum when she has her eyes open and my dad has been signed off work by the doctor so he can be with her all day. It sounds awful but I wish my youngest two were at school so I could be there more. I go up when I've dropped off/picked up the DCs and I'm hoping I can get up there when DH gets home.

Mummylin what a horrid week you're having. It never rains but pours, I hope the rest of you're week is better than the beginning.

Ssd, I know what you mean about preferring to talk to a woman as it seems easier. Could you go to this appointment and see how it goes then request a woman for next time?

Here's hoping for a better end to the week than we've had at the beginning

I am hopeful that next week will be better, but it's the same for all of you. One thing after another in the past week. But sometimes life is like that I think, now hopefully there will be a calm period . That's 5 things since oct 30th , mums Memorial Day .
I hope my friend will be ok , I'm sure that stress has bought it on. I actually thought she was heading for a breakdown this is the friend who came to me a couple of weeks ago for help. It's very complicated and obviously I can't repeat everything cause its not my place too. But lets just say its been very very stressful,but she never listens to anyone

Hope you are all getting through the days as best as you can. Kat thinking of you at this very traumatic and sad time.

Hi everyone.
I'm sorry to ask for advice when we are all so burdened but I know you guys will understand/tell me if I am being an idiot.
As you know my estranged uncle died last week and it's his funeral next Friday. It's in London where my aunt lives.
My mum and aunt have arranged between themselves that we will go down on Thursday and stay over at my aunts and then come home Friday.
The thing is I really do not want to do this. Nor does my sister. We both have young dc and it's tricky with childcare etc. Also - and his is just me - this is the aunt that upset me so much when dad died (I won't rehash everything she did and said, but she was a nightmare and I was deeply hurt.)
I simply cannot stay at her house. I would rather sleep on the street.
So...dh has arranged to have Friday off and we can drive down, go the funeral and come home.
Sis is very happy with his.
But mum isn't.
She has been very PA to me all day and said things like
"Well I'm on my own now and have to do what other people want"
And
"Your aunt was crying about your dad...if he was here we would be there"
Now...she has been offered a lift on Thursday so she can stay over.
She has been offered a lift there and back on Friday.
She has also been offered to stay for a week til they take my uncles ashes back to Ireland.
Apparently none of this is acceptable.
To top it all off the council have messed up and her application to buy the house has not been passed onto the building company and so the scaffolding will either have to come down til after the valuation or mum needs to withdraw her application.
I told her to sleep on it.
She then said, and I quote
"I need to speak to someone about it. I will phone Ireland and ask some advice"
Aibu to feel like she kicked me in the chest?
I have done EVERYTHiNG for her since dad died. Anything she has asked I have sorted out (including applying for a valuation for the house)
I left the house. I am so upset and angry.
I am not going to my uncles funeral. She can do what she likes.
And as for advice and help she can go to my sis and bro in future.
I am obviously not good enough now.
I know she is punishing me because I do not want to stay over at my aunts house.
She is nit close to her family..they all left home when she was you and she left Ireland at 18...but their advice is worth more than mine.
I am ridiculously upset.

badvoc, I don't blame you. FWIW I think your mum is being unreasonable here. Of course she is grieving but so are you, and to put this burden on you on top of everything else is cruel. I remember well you talking about your aunt when your dad died, she reminded me of my sister and the only advice I can give is don't go if you don't want to. Certainly I wouldn't sleep at her house, it would take all my time to show my face at the funeral. I know more reasonable people would say think how you would feel if you didn't go, that's true as well. If you want to go, go and drive there and back on the day. I wouldn't be staying with her and giving her support, she never gave you any and for me that's that, she burned her bridges with her behavior.

As for your mum phoning Ireland for advice, well let her. You;ve done your bit and tried as hard as you could. If she doesn't want to take your advice then let her ask someone else. Of course this hurts you deeply. Its not fair and its not what you'd expect. But maybe your mum needs to learn that you're hurting too and you've tried really hard for her and if its not enough then you'll take a back seat and put your own needs first for a change.

I've became a lot harder since my mum died and my blood family treated me like it didn't matter, I believe at the end of the day folk suit themselves no matter what we do, so sometimes we have to put no.1 first, instead of always last.

hugs to you xxx

Thanks ssd.
My sister was very shocked when I told her what mum said to me.
As she said
"Who on earth will she ask!?"

badvoc I don't blame you one little bit for not wanting to stay at your aunts. If you feel so strongly about it, then don't go you have a family of your own to consider a d they must come first.
I think your mum is turning on the one who has done the most for her , but I think that sometimes people forget all the help that you have given. If she wants to phone Ireland them let her. You know the saying " you always hurt the one you love " and I think probably your mums judgement is being very clouded at the moment
If you don't go it won't affect your mum , especially as she can have a lift there and back.
Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to You have a life too and can't always do things to please other people. And let your siblings now take on what you have been doing for the last few months. You are not the only one who lost your dad. They did too and as such should also shoulder some responsibility towards your mum. It always seems to fall on one person which is very unfair. I am sorry that you feel upset, but don't worry about going to the funeral

reminds me of my mum, for years she refused to move to sheltered housing, but she couldn't manage the stairs in her old house, she thought she;d just phone the council and they;d get her a new house as soon as she asked! I said to her "and who on the council will get you that straight away" and she said "I'll phone someone!"

you have my sympathies x

Thanks Lin.
I dint know what to do re the funeral. Will see what my sister is doing I think and go from there.

See how you feel a it nearer the day. You may change your mind, you don't have to decide for a couple of days

It's just such a Smack in the teeth. For my sister too.
She also thinks mum should buy the house...it's a no brainer tbh.
But she obv trusts her random relatives who she rarely sees to us.
Fair enough.

Not even sure if my sis is going now...

It's difficult to. See why others can advise her more than you after you have been there all the time. But people never do what we think they will . I would. Def go for the house if I was your mum, but maybe she is having second thoughts about it. If you do decide to go to the funeral I would def try and get back home home the same day rather than stay overnight .

I have just been to visit my friend in hospital, the same one that my mum was in. I couldn't help but look up to where she was when we went past I can't believe I have two friends in hosp at the moment. Both in different hospitals ! Dosent make for easy visiting ! Friend I saw tonight recovering from her op well . Other friends still waitin g for her CT scan

Hi everyone. Its been a sad week on this thread.

I'm sorry to read so many of you have lost more loved ones and crazy your Mum I hope she and you feel peace soon xx

Saturday is my Mums 1 year anniversary. I have a large family and my Mum had lots of friends. We are all meeting at the family home on Saturday, we are going to light candles, play mums fav music and raise a glass to her. I am trying to put a positive on the date rather than the awful day Mum was taken from us. I'm hoping we all get the strength to keep it together on the day and do our Mum proud.

Really struggling to keep it together this week, this day last year was the last time I heard my Mum speak. Mum had ovarian cancer she was at home being taken care of by us and palliative care.

One day she was sitting up in bed talking and then within 12 hours she was unresponsive and passed away 2 days later.

I miss her so much, I feel like getting into my car now and driving away forever