Please join us here if you have lost a parent and need support (3)

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again on a brand new thread,hopefully we can all move on a bit to a more accepting phase in our lives.

I don't understand it either Lin.
My aunt lives a 1 minute walk from the cemetery. She has never been to her husbands memorial plaque. In 18 years. His mum used to go every day until she went into a home.
I guess some people just don't feel the need?....either me, my sister or mum go every day to dads ATM. It's very close to where she lives...in fact you can see it from her back bedroom windows! It's About a 4 min walk.
My nephew has chosen some new flowers and we have got a new plant...the rain has damaged the old one.
Headstone should be up by end of the month.

Yu will feel more settled when the headstone is done. Until we had mums up it felt unfinished, but we had to wait six months for the ground to settle because she is in a burial plot , even though she was cremated. It jst takes half an hour to drive to crem. Replace flowers , wipe stone over and get back home , surely they could manage that even if once a month . I don't know. I give up trying to work people out. Even my own family ! Apart from this we are all very close luckily and I don't want to spoil our relationships by getting angry at them.

I think I'll spend the rest of my life trying to work my family out x

Ha! Me too ssd!

Hi all it's been a while since I posted, I've been trying to get my final assignment finished for my course and then I couldn't find the new thread. Hope everyone's managing okay or as well as you can.

My mum has had another scan to see how things stand and she gets the results today. We're hoping for the best and that the cancer hasn't advanced much but it's very hard to stay positive. I keep changing from wanting to know and just wanting to carry on not knowing, she's well outlived expectations, DS2 was only 4 weeks old when the doctor gave her 2-3 months and he'll be 1yo in 10 days.

I don't know how I'll go on when she's gone, I thought I'd got used to the idea of not having long with her or at least not thinking about it constantly but this new scan has brought it all back. I just don't want to think about it coz than maybe it won't be real. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that else nothing bad would ever happen.

Ah handholding crazycat when you feel up to it, let us know how the scan goes

We're yet to choose a headstone for mum (she has a burial site) which I'm not looking forward to, remembering how it was for my sister ..

I think some family don't visit the cemetery because they find it too difficult emotionally? I know I was guilty of this early on for my sisters grave, I just couldn't cope with visiting and spent time circling the cemetery but not getting to the grave side. I think I was scared and how it felt so strangely final. I go now with the rest of my remaining family but I still find it so hard and am yet to go alone

It is hard snoozy, no doubt about that.
Did you feel better after you had been to your sisters? Or did you get no closure at all? I hate that word - closure - but I can't think of a better one!
So sorry Kat x

Badvoc I almost 'like' (wrong word?) going to the cemetery now as I find it peaceful so I suppose that's 'closure'? I still find the thought of going alone overwhelming though, I hope to be able to do this in time..

I know what you mean.
I find when I go on my own I tend to "let" myself get upset' where's when I go with family I tend to be the strong one iyswim?

That's exactly it badvoc I'm able to be so much stronger when other people are with me ..

I find I only cry if I am alone.
If I am with others I don't...or maybe I don't feel like I can...who knows?
My aunt - the mad one who upset me so much before dads funeral - is coming up tonight from London with her son.
She is going back tomorrow, thank god, but I will have to go and see her tonight.
Dreading it :(

Maybe it's a bit of both badvoc

It's understandable you're dreading seeing your aunt, here's hoping things go ok for you this evening let us know if you need any support at all !

I am finding it really hard today. I can't stop crying

Hello friendofdorothy it is a very sad and difficult time fr you. You have had a terrible shock only days ago, it's quite normal how you are feeling. You will have lots of days like this but you will notice that the times between crying bouts gets further apart the more that time passes. Eventually you will have whole days without tears. Then even a week or two. But for now you just need to get through each day.you have to give yourself time to grieve.
I hope that you get RL support ans that you and your sister can support each other. How is your dad ?

snoozey I too seem to " enjoy* going to the cemetery. I think it's because I know my mum is there and it gives me pleasure to take her flowers. I have in my mind that she knows I go there
Hello to everyone else, I am a bit behind on the thread today but will catch up tomorrow, a quick hello to crazykat
Sending you all comforting vibes

Dad is amazing but so sad. I just catch him every now and then looking really lost

Well it will be like losing half of himself . Must be very hard to adapt to suddenly being on your own when you have had so many years with your wife. It's difficult because everyone tries to be brave so as not to upset anyone else, when really everyone is actually feeling so sad. Does he live close to you ? Wll you be able to see him quite often or are you quite far from each other

We live very close, only about a mild away so we will see plenty of each other.

A mile I mean!

Oh that's not too bad then. I was talkin to my sis in law today and we were saying how even when we have just lost someone, we still cook. Eat, do the washing etc.god knows how but somehow we do get through it all.

FOD...my mum and dad were married for 42 years and she was so reliant on him for everything...it scares me tbh.
She is also lost without him. I am sure your poor dad is the same.
10 weeks today for us :(
My aunt Didn't get to mums til late so I will go and see her this morning.
As Lin says...we just get on with it. Today I am stripping he beds and re making. Then sorting out the groceries, then making flapjacks for ds1...it's a harsh truth that life does go on. It has to. But, god, it's hard :(
Thinking of you x

Hi all.
Having a tough morning - lots of little things have snuck up on me that I haven't done and should have. Haven't bought my nephew a birthday present or sent a card - his birthday was last week. Paperwork remains undone, the house is a mess, and I haven't been to the cemetery for two months to sort out the flowers. Seem to be living life at a trillion miles an hour at the moment - visiting Dad regularly, supporting a friend who recently lost her job, keeping on top of work which just gets busier, doing stuff with DD and all the family stuff that sneaks up too (Mum used to be brilliant at remembering birthdays, sending new baby presents and things - I'm crapper than crapper than crap at it and I know it's missed - nobody expects Dad to do it but I can't help but wonder if they're suprised I don't make the effort). I'm supposed to be writing something for our local newsletter but can't face it at the moment.

I feel so bad that I don't go to the cemetery (Dad hasn't been yet, but it's kind of different as I don't find it difficult emotionally and I know he does), Dad's fine with it and just says "Life gets in the way". He's right, but it makes me feel terrible - like some awful yuppie who has to "find a window" for everything. Can't really outsource anything apart from plonking DD in front of the TV far more than I'd like to.

Oh, vlad.
Gosh, you are being hard on yourself!
I think - and hope - that people would have some compassionate and understanding wrt gifts and cards etc in the aftermath of a bereavement.
And it is and aftermath???I feel as though I have been in a war zone.
Saw my aunt this morning...not too bad, although she did try and give me the hats that they were giving out at the wedding (you know, the wedding we didn't get to cos my dad died at the hotel??)
Ffs.

Have done some shopping for my aunt who is ill.
Made flapjacks for ds1.
Didn't sleep well so back to bed for me this afternoon.
Dh says my sister and I have to make some sort of rota for seeing mum...I am so very tired. I will speak to her about it.

vlad it seems to me that you had too much on your plate to cope with, you cannot do everything. You have had a rough ride so give yourself a break and don't take on too much. I have to say that there are many birthdays where I now don't know the date as it was my mum that always reminded me too. I know my brothers but never remember any of my sis in laws. Luckily others in the family can tell me.
If you feel guilty about not taking flowers to the cemetery, put some flowers by your mums photo at home.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Not only did my Mum die last week, now my little kitten has been run over and killed :(